Your most embarrassing sex story

Daveysil15

manlad wrote: »

Just as shes about to talk there is what I can only describe as a 'splat' sound. She looks at me horrified and I look at the ground beneath her. In between her legs on the wooden floor was a rather large pile of jizz. She begins laughing frantically and I spit my coffee everywhere from laughing as well.

Ahh here, it must have been an almighty load for it to make a 'splat' sound. Even a direct cum shot would be unlikely to make such a noise.

DeanAustin wrote: »

Also was with a hooker and paid for an hour thinking I was the world's greatest stud. She broke me within a few minutes and as I was getting my shoes on she said "You've paid for the hour, we can do something else".

You mean you paid for the hour and you didn't even go for round 2? :eek:

happyviolet

Jarrod wrote: »

That happened a friend of mine too.

Unrelated, but my friend had a pet snake and for months, he kept waking up with the snake lying next to him. After a while he got a bit freaked out waking up with the snake stretched out next to him so he went to the vet. The vet said that the snake was sizing my friend up to eat him and that he was just checking if he was big enough yet.

**** that is so weird, because the exact same thing happened to my sister's friend too! God snakes are creepy. :eek:

ButtersSuki

happyviolet wrote: »

**** that is so weird, because the exact same thing happened to my sister's friend too! God snakes are creepy. :eek:

Urban myth BS.

Now if you're talking Trouser Snake, the story is getting better!

DeanAustin

Daveysil15 wrote: »

You mean you paid for the hour and you didn't even go for round 2? :eek:

After barely getting off my stool before being KO'd in round 1, I thought it best to quit while I was behind.

Serious overestimation of my stamina. In fairness it had been 3 months since I'd had a shag.

smurgen

Ex gf fainted when we were riding in the shower before,nearly ripped my dick off!

Daveysil15

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tdA_hgmKAqo

Paddy Cow

Brego888 wrote: »

I love these it was my "friend" not me stories.

Ha! I knew someone would think that I was the "friend" but I'm not. I'm a woman and I've never peed on someone (or myself) before. Maybe women won't admit to it but I've heard loads of stories of guys being drunk and peeing in places that are socially unacceptable (this was the worst though).

ButtersSuki

smurgen wrote: »

Ex gf fainted when we were riding in the shower before,nearly ripped my dick off!

Anal?

Whoops, just re-read that. You said "fainted", not "farted"! :rolleyes:

Brego888

ButtersSuki wrote: »

Anal?

Whoops, just re-read that. You said "fainted", not "farted"! :rolleyes:

I read that as farted too!

fussyonion

jockeyboard wrote: »

I demand clarification of this....how was poo in there?! Or was it just in her knickers? Also was that really you?

Wasn't me. I dunno how poo got there, she said it got squashed or something. Either way it's gross.

GalwayGuy2

Wasn't me. I dunno how poo got there, she said it got squashed or something. Either way it's gross.

Wait do you mean got pushed out and then went back in.

Or stayed in and went...through?

fussyonion

GalwayGuy2 wrote: »

Wait do you mean got pushed out and then went back in.

Or stayed in and went...through?

Surprisingly I didn't actually ask for any more details, I'd heard enough!

Galwayguy35

I must be very square, no interesting stories like others here have.

Only thing I can think of happening was getting a BJ from this wan in the car of a pub carpark and an ould fella on his was home looked in the window.

lau1247

fussyonion wrote: »

Wasn't me. I dunno how poo got there, she said it got squashed or something. Either way it's gross.

Poo + ham = kidney infection yaaay

Did she have that, cos it would explain a lot, still funny story

Daveysil15

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

I must be very square, no interesting stories like others here have.

Only thing I can think of happening was getting a BJ from this wan in the car of a pub carpark and an ould fella on his was home looked in the window.

Sorry about that. My new years resolution is to stop looking in car windows.

eigrod

Galwayguy35 wrote: »

I must be very square, no interesting stories like others here have.

Only thing I can think of happening was getting a BJ from this wan in the car of a pub carpark and an ould fella on his was home. looked in the window.

The importance of those last 4 words

Daqster

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wq5wvLwD5Nw

Eoin247

manlad wrote: »

So this isn't really a sex story involving me but a former room mate. I lived with a random girl for a few months when I started a new job in Dublin. Anyway, we got on pretty well and were fairly comfortable around eachother. She brought some guy back after a night out, and the next morning as I was getting ready for work I could hear them going at it. As I sat at the kitchen table drinking my morning coffee, my room mate walks into the kitchen with a dressing gown on. Just as shes about to talk there is what I can only describe as a 'splat' sound. She looks at me horrified and I look at the ground beneath her. In between her legs on the wooden floor was a rather large pile of jizz. She begins laughing frantically and I spit my coffee everywhere from laughing as well.

That from one guy? Are you sure there weren't at least five other guys in the room?

franknrol

after the pub one night, an hour into what can only be described as treadmill sex (all go and getting nowhere), the ex dried out a little too much and i felt a snap and a burning sensation raced through my flute. pulled out, only to reveal me knob covered in blood and the banjo string split. god i hate drunk sex.:o

kunst nugget

franknrol wrote: »

after the pub one night, an hour into what can only be described as treadmill sex (all go and getting nowhere), the ex dried out a little too much and i felt a snap and a burning sensation raced through my flute. pulled out, only to reveal me knob covered in blood and the banjo string split. god i hate drunk sex.:o

Christ, I won't be able to uncross my legs for the day. I'm having phantom pains just reading that.

suicide_circus

franknrol wrote: »

after the pub one night, an hour into what can only be described as treadmill sex (all go and getting nowhere), the ex dried out a little too much and i felt a snap and a burning sensation raced through my flute. pulled out, only to reveal me knob covered in blood and the banjo string split. god i hate drunk sex.:o

This "loose" girl in college was notorious for this, she was rough (in every sense of the word) and broke more banjo strings than an epileptic hill billy.

kfallon

suicide_circus wrote: »

This "loose" girl in college was notorious for this, she was rough (in every sense of the word) and broke more banjo strings than an epileptic hill billy.

Well played sir, lovely darts there!!!

Daveysil15

kfallon wrote: »

Well played sir, lovely darts there!!!

She has had more pricks than a second hand dart board.

jockeyboard

Was doing a em sexy 'dance' type of strip thing for my husband.... He likes looking at my ass alot as its super sized so i got a fright when i turned my back to him wearing just my thong and bent over as he looked disgusted.....

I had a 'tail' of tissue paper coming out of knickers....thankfully clean.

Slightly embarrassing. Luckily i can just laugh at that and get down to business.

bud1970

Not so much a sex story, but remotely connected... i was in hospital after a fall, and because i couldn't bath myself, a rather pretty young nurse helped me. needless to say, his lordship rose to the occasion in style!! i looked up at the nurse, with a crimson red face, and said "i'm really sorry about this". she smiled, and said, "thats ok, i can sort it out for you". she then reached into her pocket, pulled out a ball point pen, and smacked himself right on his head. he dropped like a stone into the water!! still makes me laugh thinking about it to this day....

irish_goat

bud1970 wrote: »

"thats ok, i can sort it out for you".

*cue porn music*

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

syklops

FizzleSticks wrote: »

Not mine but this made me laugh

http://thoughtcatalog.com/christine-stockton/2013/10/50-people-on-the-most-wtf-thing-someone-did-while-hooking-up/

being the terrible drunk I am I conned him into having sex

I call shenanigans on that story.

Sir Arthur Daley

To this day i cannot talk about it but moral of the story is "When the rivers red take the dirt track instead!"

syklops

WikiHow wrote: »

To this day i cannot talk about it but moral of the story is "When the rivers red take the dirt track instead!"

Or hop in the shower.

getzls

bud1970 wrote: »

Not so much a sex story, but remotely connected... i was in hospital after a fall, and because i couldn't bath myself, a rather pretty young nurse helped me. needless to say, his lordship rose to the occasion in style!! i looked up at the nurse, with a crimson red face, and said "i'm really sorry about this". she smiled, and said, "thats ok, i can sort it out for you". she then reached into her pocket, pulled out a ball point pen, and smacked himself right on his head. he dropped like a stone into the water!! still makes me laugh thinking about it to this day....

Reminds me of a friend telling me a similar story.

He was getting examined and rose to the occasion and the door opened and in walked a group of medical students.

Bit of sniggering went on, which he didn't mind.
The only problem was one one the medical students was a girl who
lived next door to him.

Jawgap

getzls wrote: »

Reminds me of a friend telling me a similar story.

He was getting examined and rose to the occasion and the door opened and in walked a group of medical students.

Bit of sniggering went on, which he didn't mind.
The only problem was one one the medical students was a girl who
lived next door to him.

Had a serious accident in my teens and spent a few months in hospital. The nurses would bring the trolley around to do the bed baths and there was always this fairly large dessert spoon in a plastic tumbler with ice. One day I found out what the spoon was for........no need for violence or striking, just a second of a touch was all that was needed - after that just the sight of the feckin' thing was enough to keep things under control

And this happened to a friend / colleague I worked with.....

Got a phone call one morning asking if I could give him a lift into work as we lived fairly close together. I went and picked him up and saw his car was not in the drive so I asked him if it was in the garage. In the course of the drive to work he explained that he longer had a car it had caught fire.

He offered to give a girl who we worked with lift home the previous evening. He then persuaded her to go for a meal and at the end of the evening he dropped her home, but things got a bot hot and heavy outside her house and in throes of lust someone put their foot on the cigarette lighter and held it there until it began to smoulder......then the dash went up..... then the car went up!

There was an interesting dynamic in the office that morning.

And the real shame was the fact that his car was beautiful, special edition Alfa Romeo!

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

He was a special edition Romeo too, getting your one all hot and bothered in the car.

Jawgap

LexieOnRale wrote: »

He was a special edition Romeo too, getting your one all hot and bothered in the car.

I'd like to think at some point while going at it hammer and tongs, she said "I smell something burning" to which he replied, smugly, "Thanks very much!!"

LOSTfan57

Jawgap wrote: »

Had a serious accident in my teens and spent a few months in hospital. The nurses would bring the trolley around to do the bed baths and there was always this fairly large dessert spoon in a plastic tumbler with ice. One day I found out what the spoon was for........no need for violence or striking, just a second of a touch was all that was needed - after that just the sight of the feckin' thing was enough to keep things under control

And this happened to a friend / colleague I worked with.....

Got a phone call one morning asking if I could give him a lift into work as we lived fairly close together. I went and picked him up and saw his car was not in the drive so I asked him if it was in the garage. In the course of the drive to work he explained that he longer had a car it had caught fire.

He offered to give a girl who we worked with lift home the previous evening. He then persuaded her to go for a meal and at the end of the evening he dropped her home, but things got a bot hot and heavy outside her house and in throes of lust someone put their foot on the cigarette lighter and held it there until it began to smoulder......then the dash went up..... then the car went up!

There was an interesting dynamic in the office that morning.

And the real shame was the fact that his car was beautiful, special edition Alfa Romeo!

"Sex on Fire" I now understand the song totally

Daveysil15

FizzleSticks wrote: »

Not mine but this made me laugh

http://thoughtcatalog.com/christine-stockton/2013/10/50-people-on-the-most-wtf-thing-someone-did-while-hooking-up/[/QUOTE]

Some good ones on that site actually:

I had sex with a friend from college, middle of the day and before I finished she told me I can cum wherever I want so I came on her face. She swallowed all of it then took out her phone and called her friend and just said “Face, I win” and hung up. I’m still puzzled as to what the **** happened.]

In college I went home after a night of drinking with a random girl from the bar. She told me the next morning that I had passed out on top of her the second after I finished. Apparently she struggled to get out from under the dead weight of my body.

irish_goat

getzls wrote: »

He was getting examined and rose to the occasion and the door opened and in walked a group of medical students.

Bit of sniggering went on, which he didn't mind.
The only problem was one one the medical students was a girl who
lived next door to him.

That's when you lie back and say "lookin's for free, touchin's gonna cost you something."

astonaidan

Daveysil15 wrote: »

You mean you didn't find her attractive? :eek:

Haha no I could tell she was attractive, just didnt float my boat

jamezy

This thread is hilarious!

dgt

How did I miss this thread?! Some of those are absolutely epic stories!

I couldn't live up to most of those stories but a few of mine:

-Goes down on me, takes it out just as I go off and straight into her ear as shes turning to look at a noise she heard
-In her bed, right in the middle of it, while I'm on top I turn to my left only to see her dog sitting there, looking at us. How we laughed at that!
-Recently in a car park, pitch black, we got intimate :pac: and in the process a chap ran past the car, how weird, thought no more of it. Finished up, started the car, began to drive out. Suddenly, an old fella starts pointing at me and the car. Then out of nowhere a garda car appears, blues and 2's ablaze, blocking the exit and racing out of the car :eek: 2 of us thinking oh sh*t, we've been caught! Turns out the fella who ran past my car was after trying to rob some house nearby and was stumbled upon by the old man, who chased him towards out direction..... Once again, a lot of laughing at the whole thing ensued further down the road :cool:

Ah, good times

Chazz Michael Michaels

So, I was with a lady this morning, after the night before. I was feeling a bit "gassy", but we got frisky and started having sex. Through the whole thing, I was holding in a fart, it was a titanic struggle. Cut to the end, the special moment arrives with a rush and as it begins I involuntarily expelled the most ENORMOUS fart, and more followed with each muscle spasm. I tried to cover it up with loud groans, but I definitely couldn't mask it.

She said nothing, but I'm still morto. :-)

Daveysil15

Chazz Michael Michaels wrote: »

So, I was with a lady this morning, after the night before. I was feeling a bit "gassy", but we got frisky and started having sex. Through the whole thing, I was holding in a fart, it was a titanic struggle. Cut to the end, the special moment arrives with a rush and as it begins I involuntarily expelled the most ENORMOUS fart, and more followed with each muscle spasm. I tried to cover it up with loud groans, but I definitely couldn't mask it.

She said nothing, but I'm still morto. :-)

Fargasm?

Chazz Michael Michaels

It happened again, this morning. Is this what getting older means? :-D

Cupcake_Crisis

Did you know that the Odeon cinema has little tv screens around the lobby that display infrared footage of all the goings on in the screens? I didn't..... but I do now.

Also, things got a bit carried away in the kitchen one time, hands everywhere. In walk my folks, so we both try to rearrange ourselves as quickly as possible and look like we were just having a casual cup of tea. My dad, being a gent, offered to shake the guys hand and say hello......

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Cupcake_Crisis wrote: »

Did you know that the Odeon cinema has little tv screens around the lobby that display infrared footage of all the goings on in the screens? I didn't..... but I do now.

Good lord you know when you get such a fright the blood rushes to your nose and makes your eyes water?! I just got that right there, til I realised its ok we go to IMC

Dexter Whelan

most embarrasing sex story, great first post. anyway

be 18
wahoolegalage.jpg
with a girl for the first time,
she's never put a condom on before. hmmm. understandable.
ok, show her how its done, she gets it. make her do it.
she rolls it half way then pulls the condom rolled up bit at the bottom too far away annnnd
twang
like getting hit with an elastic band on the co*k
she leans over to say sorry, catches it with her thumb ring annnnnnnnd
twang
like getting hit with an elastic band on the c*ck twice.
no sex was had that night.

Timmyctc

Dexter Whelan wrote: »

most embarrasing sex story, great first post. anyway

be 18
wahoolegalage.jpg
with a girl for the first time,
she's never put a condom on before. hmmm. understandable.
ok, show her how its done, she gets it. make her do it.
she rolls it half way then pulls the condom rolled up bit at the bottom too far away annnnd
twang
like getting hit with an elastic band on the co*k
she leans over to say sorry, catches it with her thumb ring annnnnnnnd
twang
like getting hit with an elastic band on the c*ck twice.
no sex was had that night.

Why didnt you just... put the condom on.. yourself?

Cupcake_Crisis

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Good lord you know when you get such a fright the blood rushes to your nose and makes your eyes water?! I just got that right there, til I realised its ok we go to IMC

They probably have them there too, I'd be too embarrassed to check. I can never show my face in the Odeon again.

Aphex

Dexter Whelan wrote: »

most embarrasing sex story, great first post. anyway

be 18
wahoolegalage.jpg
with a girl for the first time,
she's never put a condom on before. hmmm. understandable.
ok, show her how its done, she gets it. make her do it.
she rolls it half way then pulls the condom rolled up bit at the bottom too far away annnnd
twang
like getting hit with an elastic band on the co*k
she leans over to say sorry, catches it with her thumb ring annnnnnnnd
twang
like getting hit with an elastic band on the c*ck twice.
no sex was had that night.

:rolleyes: Better luck next time stud.

Jimoslimos

Dexter Whelan wrote: »

most embarrasing sex story, great first post. anyway

be 18
wahoolegalage.jpg
with a girl for the first time,
she's never put a condom on before. hmmm. understandable.
ok, show her how its done, she gets it. make her do it.
she rolls it half way then pulls the condom rolled up bit at the bottom too far away annnnd
twang
like getting hit with an elastic band on the co*k
she leans over to say sorry, catches it with her thumb ring annnnnnnnd
twang
like getting hit with an elastic band on the c*ck twice.
no sex was had that night.

You waited nearly 4 years to post that :eek: