Your most embarrassing sex story

Penny Tration

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

I also remember one time I got to riding my ex gf in the living room of a college house. All good and dandy. Maybe 2 days later when I arrived in from college a disgruntled housemate pointed at a teatowel beside the fireplace and asked that I lift it up. I wondered why but lifted it up anyway only to find the used condom from the night with her. Housemate went on a rant of how his mam and sister were visiting the previous night and he only noticed it half way through their tea and biscuits. He described how he had to stealthily drop the towel over it before they saw it but they might still have. And he also gave out that while they were there me and ex were squeaking away upstairs in the bed. He said he was never so mortified in all his life. We fell out for a time over it and I felt really bad about it. I often felt reluctant about sex when someone else was in the house but bitch ex pressured me into it. The more I expressed my discomfort the more she'd pressure me and then would intentionally make stupid noises just to piss off me/housemates. dumping that bitch was the best thing I ever did.

Jaysus, you don't sound bitter about your ex liking sex at all!

BattleCorp

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

II often felt reluctant about sex when someone else was in the house but bitch ex pressured me into it. The more I expressed my discomfort the more she'd pressure me and then would intentionally make stupid noises just to piss off me/housemates. dumping that bitch was the best thing I ever did.

Pressured you into it eh. :rolleyes:

Specialun

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

I also remember one time I got to riding my ex gf in the living room of a college house. All good and dandy. Maybe 2 days later when I arrived in from college a disgruntled housemate pointed at a teatowel beside the fireplace and asked that I lift it up. I wondered why but lifted it up anyway only to find the used condom from the night with her. Housemate went on a rant of how his mam and sister were visiting the previous night and he only noticed it half way through their tea and biscuits. He described how he had to stealthily drop the towel over it before they saw it but they might still have. And he also gave out that while they were there me and ex were squeaking away upstairs in the bed. He said he was never so mortified in all his life. We fell out for a time over it and I felt really bad about it. I often felt reluctant about sex when someone else was in the house but bitch ex pressured me into it. The more I expressed my discomfort the more she'd pressure me and then would intentionally make stupid noises just to piss off me/housemates. dumping that bitch was the best thing I ever did.

She pressured you into..lol just lol

Chemical Byrne

She mocked me for being uncomfortable about sex in a squeaky bed with people downstairs. Then I couldn't get it up with the upset of it and then she'd mock me for that too. To get her to give over with her ****e it was easier to just try stuffing it up her completely soft to shut her up. Proper bitch in general that one.

Penny Tration

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

She mocked me for being uncomfortable about sex in a squeaky bed with people downstairs. Then I couldn't get it up with the upset of it and then she'd mock me for that too. To get her to give over with her ****e it was easier to just try stuffing it in soft to shut her up. Proper bitch in general that one.

Serious tmi

Buona Fortuna

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

She mocked me for being uncomfortable about sex in a squeaky bed with people downstairs. Then I couldn't get it up with the upset of it and then she'd mock me for that too. To get her to give over with her ****e it was easier to just try stuffing it in soft to shut her up. Proper bitch in general that one.

Gals can be so cruel

Specialun

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

She mocked me for being uncomfortable about sex in a squeaky bed with people downstairs. Then I couldn't get it up with the upset of it and then she'd mock me for that too. To get her to give over with her ****e it was easier to just try stuffing it in soft to shut her up. Proper bitch in general that one.

Wtf

DanielODonnell

I don't believe in promiscuous behaviour as I am a man of God, nowadays you would have to cross over to the Protestants to find good Christian girls.

Menas

DanielODonnell wrote: »

I don't believe in promiscuous behaviour as I am a man of God, nowadays you would have to cross over to the Protestants to find good Christian girls.

And yet you clicked in to a thread full of sex stories!!!

DanielODonnell

Menas wrote: »

And yet you clicked in to a thread full of sex stories!!!

That's like saying a moral person can't write a letter of complaint into an adult television channel

Sheep Lover

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

She mocked me for being uncomfortable about sex in a squeaky bed with people downstairs. Then I couldn't get it up with the upset of it and then she'd mock me for that too. To get her to give over with her ****e it was easier to just try stuffing it up her completely soft to shut her up. Proper bitch in general that one.

Like shoving a rope through a keyhole.

beks101

DanielODonnell wrote: »

I don't believe in promiscuous behaviour as I am a man of God, nowadays you would have to cross over to the Protestants to find good Christian girls.

Go home Dad you're drunk

fullstop

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

I also remember one time I got to riding my ex gf in the living room of a college house. All good and dandy. Maybe 2 days later when I arrived in from college a disgruntled housemate pointed at a teatowel beside the fireplace and asked that I lift it up. I wondered why but lifted it up anyway only to find the used condom from the night with her. Housemate went on a rant of how his mam and sister were visiting the previous night and he only noticed it half way through their tea and biscuits. He described how he had to stealthily drop the towel over it before they saw it but they might still have.

Yeah, that's pretty scummy.

Chemical Byrne

Like stuffing a turkey with raw sausages.

DanielODonnell

"riding my ex gf"
romance is not dead i see

I suppose she wasn't even wined and dined, just a drop of tae and a soggy bourbon.

Crooked Jack

Bogwoppit wrote: »

Wait til you see what I post in the new year!

AHHH why did you have to tell me, that's all I'll be thinking of now for the next four months

Medusa22

DanielODonnell wrote: »

"riding my ex gf"
romance is not dead i see

I suppose she wasn't even wined and dined, just a drop of tae and a soggy bourbon.

Not the only thing that was soggy from the sounds of it :pac:

Buona Fortuna

DanielODonnell wrote: »

"riding my ex gf"
romance is not dead i see

I suppose she wasn't even wined and dined, just a drop of tae and a soggy bourbon.

Good soggy biscuit joke - thought you didn't take part?

J Mysterio

DanielODonnell wrote: »

I don't believe in promiscuous behaviour as I am a man of God, nowadays you would have to cross over to the Protestants to find good Christian girls.

lol, post of the week

Firewalkwithme

I met this girl once in Coppers. Anyway a few pints later and we're back in her place and things are going well. Standard Coppers night.

Next thing she asked me to take a dump in her mouth. Turns out she was kinda into that whole scat thing.

Grand job love, no bother says I, just lay yourself down there and open your gob.

So I whip of the Tommy's and squat over her face, all lined up with the target, ready to drop the brown bomb but wouldn't you know it, I didn't need to go, I hadn't got it in me. Pushed and strained for a while, thought my head was going to explode from the pressure building up so I had to give up.

Best I could manage was a gassy fart. Morto!!

Things were a bit awkward after that. I tried to make small talk for a while to see if anything was coming from the colon but no joy I'm afraid. I left not long after.

The worst part of it was that about three months later I saw her out with her friends. She spied me and pointed me out, telling them that I was the guy who couldn't squeeze a log out for her. They were laughing and jeering me, I've never felt so humiliated in all my life.

I googled it, apparently there's a term for it, Faecal Dysfunction. Who would have thought it?

True story that.

endacl

Penny Tration wrote: »

Jaysus, you don't sound bitter about your ex liking sex at all!

Interesting username. Have you met Jenny Thalia?

Lucifer MorningStar

Cartoon_Head wrote: »

I met this girl once in Coppers. Anyway a few pints later and we're back in her place and things are going well. Standard Coppers night.

Next thing she asked me to take a dump in her mouth. Turns out she was kinda into that whole scat thing.

Grand job love, no bother says I, just lay yourself down there and open your gob.

So I whip of the Tommy's and squat over her face, all lined up with the target, ready to drop the brown bomb but wouldn't you know it, I didn't need to go, I hadn't got it in me. Pushed and strained for a while, thought my head was going to explode from the pressure building up so I had to give up.

Best I could manage was a gassy fart. Morto!!

Things were a bit awkward after that. I tried to make small talk for a while to see if anything was coming from the colon but no joy I'm afraid. I left not long after.

The worst part of it was that about three months later I saw her out with her friends. She spied me and pointed me out, telling them that I was the guy who couldn't squeeze a log out for her. They were laughing and jeering me, I've never felt so humiliated in all my life.

I googled it, apparently there's a term for it, Faecal Dysfunction. Who would have thought it?

True story that.

I find that story hard to believe. Especially the part when she's with her friends laughing at you because you didn't ****e on her

rawn

Lucifer MorningStar wrote: »

I find that story hard to believe. Especially the part when she's with her friends laughing at you because you didn't ****e on her

http://i1302.photobucket.com/albums/ag137/nelsonmonty/tumblr_inline_mfbf39CDBC1r9b21g_zps1d33e483.jpg

Lucifer MorningStar

rawn wrote: »

http://i1302.photobucket.com/albums/ag137/nelsonmonty/tumblr_inline_mfbf39CDBC1r9b21g_zps1d33e483.jpg

I was thinking haha. I really need to give up the booze :pac:

arayess

BattleCorp wrote: »

Pressured you into it eh. :rolleyes:

Cartoon_Head wrote: »

I met this girl once in Coppers. Anyway a few pints later and we're back in her place and things are going well. Standard Coppers night.

Next thing she asked me to take a dump in her mouth. Turns out she was kinda into that whole scat thing.

Grand job love, no bother says I, just lay yourself down there and open your gob.

So I whip of the Tommy's and squat over her face, all lined up with the target, ready to drop the brown bomb but wouldn't you know it, I didn't need to go, I hadn't got it in me. Pushed and strained for a while, thought my head was going to explode from the pressure building up so I had to give up.

Best I could manage was a gassy fart. Morto!!

Things were a bit awkward after that. I tried to make small talk for a while to see if anything was coming from the colon but no joy I'm afraid. I left not long after.

The worst part of it was that about three months later I saw her out with her friends. She spied me and pointed me out, telling them that I was the guy who couldn't squeeze a log out for her. They were laughing and jeering me, I've never felt so humiliated in all my life.

I googled it, apparently there's a term for it, Faecal Dysfunction. Who would have thought it?

True story that.

people like you ruin what is an excellent thread.,

go away

Penny Tration

endacl wrote: »

Interesting username. Have you met Jenny Thalia?

No, I've heard she's a wonderful lady though :P

dubstarr

Jenny Thalia *penny drops*:o:)

Buona Fortuna

dubstarr wrote: »

Jenny Thalia *penny drops*:o:)

Yes - it took me a good while too

smurgen

Glued my hands to a Brazilian girl's tits.thought it was baby oil.turns out it was hair extension glue.

RainyDay

smurgen wrote: »

Glued my hands to a Brazilian girl's tits.thought it was baby oil.turns out it was hair extension glue.

Where can I buy this glue?

themissymoo

When I was 12/13, my friends decided to nickname our friend Dodie "Dodildo." I hadn't a clue what a dildo was, and used the nickname when referring to her while telling school stories to my family. She was also called it in front of the teachers, and I decorated my A4 pad with "Amy, Kelly, Dodildo, etc BFFs forever."

The mortification when I found out what it was was unbearable. I still feel sick!

Joe prim

Buona Fortuna wrote: »

Yes - it took me a good while too

Ehhhh....I don't get it, is Jenny Talia a pal of Penny Drops or something?

kfallon

Joe prim wrote: »

Ehhhh....I don't get it, is Jenny Talia a pal of Penny Drops or something?

Jenny Thalia and Penny Tration know each other YEARS!!!

Joe prim

this girl I know was having a threesome , and one of the guys turned out to be BONO, so she asked the other guy to take a picture of them with his iPhone, and when she got home and showed the pic to her ma, it turned out the other guy was BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN...she was only morto, actually she's a cousin of mine, or rather, she works with my cousin, well, he's not really my cousin exactly.......

KERSPLAT!

Brought a girl back to my mams house when I was about 20, was still living there at the time. Mams car was gone so thought, happy days, this should be fun. Got down to business with a bit of a loud finish.

Had work the next morning so told the girl I'd walk her home. Just as I walk out my bedroom door I hear a voice from my mams room:

"KERSPLAT, what the hell are you doing!!??"

Me: "AH bollox, quick, get out!!!"

Spoke to her when I got back and apologised profusely, she was not a happy camper, was the last time the girl i brought back spoke to me too

arayess

my mate brought a girl back once while his parents were asleep

post sex he nipped out for a piss and ran into his dad on the landing outside the jacks.
"who's that in there?" demanded the dad

panic stricken he decided to say it was "sarah" his mates long term gf and said she was pissed and needed a place to stay. using her name would ok cos his parents knew her.
unfortunately his parents had heard his entire sexual adventure and his dad was so angry that he went behind his mates back that he boxed him full force in the face and said my mate was all sorts and to get that tramp out of the the house.

anyway mate got girl out , still unseen by parents as the dad went back to bed. apart from a swollen cheek he was ok.

few weeks later the real sarah rang on the house phone looking for my mate only to be met with abuse from his mother calling her a slag and a tramp and her not knowing wtf was going on.

poor girl.

Penny Tration

Joe prim wrote: »

Ehhhh....I don't get it, is Jenny Talia a pal of Penny Drops or something?

I suppose you could say we're so close, we know each other inside out!

galljga1

This one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy.

syklops

galljga1 wrote: »

This one time, at band camp, I stuck a flute in my pussy.

Wow, a new, fresh joke.

syklops

arayess wrote: »

my mate brought a girl back once while his parents were asleep

post sex he nipped out for a piss and ran into his dad on the landing outside the jacks.
"who's that in there?" demanded the dad

panic stricken he decided to say it was "sarah" his mates long term gf and said she was pissed and needed a place to stay. using her name would ok cos his parents knew her.
unfortunately his parents had heard his entire sexual adventure and his dad was so angry that he went behind his mates back that he boxed him full force in the face and said my mate was all sorts and to get that tramp out of the the house.

anyway mate got girl out , still unseen by parents as the dad went back to bed. apart from a swollen cheek he was ok.

few weeks later the real sarah rang on the house phone looking for my mate only to be met with abuse from his mother calling her a slag and a tramp and her not knowing wtf was going on.

poor girl.

Another " my mate" story. Anyone else need a pinch of salt?

serenity_now

So I was at a party in college and met a cute girl, one thing lead to another and I got a bj in the kitchen during which in the throes of passion I nearly took my eye out on a press door and ended up in casualty. No permanent damage thankfully, just a black eye.
Fast fwd 6 months and I'm happily going out with another girl and on a night out we meet up with one of her cousins. Needless to say
we had already been acquainted. I eventually told the new girlfriend the story and we are married now and together 16 years.

dubstarr

Joe prim wrote: »

Ehhhh....I don't get it, is Jenny Talia a pal of Penny Drops or something?

Genetalia,and penetration:D

Mint Aero

arayess wrote: »

my mate brought a girl back once while his parents were asleep

post sex he nipped out for a piss and ran into his dad on the landing outside the jacks.
"who's that in there?" demanded the dad

panic stricken he decided to say it was "sarah" his mates long term gf and said she was pissed and needed a place to stay. using her name would ok cos his parents knew her.
unfortunately his parents had heard his entire sexual adventure and his dad was so angry that he went behind his mates back that he boxed him full force in the face and said my mate was all sorts and to get that tramp out of the the house.

anyway mate got girl out , still unseen by parents as the dad went back to bed. apart from a swollen cheek he was ok.

few weeks later the real sarah rang on the house phone looking for my mate only to be met with abuse from his mother calling her a slag and a tramp and her not knowing wtf was going on.

poor girl.

I've read this twice now and still no idea what it's about. But I'm drunk on sherry, so...

Birneybau

Mint Aero wrote: »

I've read this twice now and still no idea what it's about. But I'm drunk on sherry, so...

Reads pretty straightforward to me.

Penny Tration

dubstarr wrote: »

Genetalia,and penetration:D

Yes, I enjoy both of those.

IvaBigWun

smurgen wrote: »

Glued my hands to a Brazilian girl's tits.thought it was baby oil.turns out it was hair extension glue.

I hope you did the right thing and stayed there for 3 days.

arayess

syklops wrote: »

Another " my mate" story. Anyone else need a pinch of salt?

nah , no bravado in said story .
nothing to gain .,.
but no was my mate , still is a good mate...was his best man a few years ago

Mint Aero wrote: »

I've read this twice now and still no idea what it's about. But I'm drunk on sherry, so...

ah ,man
i'm drunk too

basically
guy brings girl back to parents
has sex - parents hear.
dad meets him in toilet post sex and asks him who lady is
he is afraid they freak cos he brought random girl home so says she is a girl who his mate is seeing thinking since his parents know her it'll be cool. but the parents heard the sex.
dad is angry cos my mate was shagging his buddies gf. (even though it wasn't her) dad punches mate .
the real mate's gf rings a few weeks later and my mates mam calls her loads bad names cos she thinks she had sex with my mate behind his pals back.

ok if that doesn't make sense i can't help you...i'm too drunk to do better

Joe prim

dubstarr wrote: »

Genetalia,and penetration:D

Errr...thanks , but I actually got it, I was pretending to misunderstand for comic effect...obviously I failed......miserably, but, thanks again....:mad:

J Mysterio

Joe prim wrote: »

Errr...thanks , but I actually got it, I was pretending to misunderstand for comic effect...obviously I failed......miserably, but, thanks again....:mad:

We thought you were both prim... And proper.

iamtony

Just read all 67 pages lol! It took me all day but it was fun.

Anyway best I've got it is me and the missus missionary when we were only together a while and I had my heAd beside her Head breathing heavy when all of a sudden I inhaled her hair and I nearly choked to death!
Afterwards we kept going while laughing to each other.
Ah the memories! Tame but I really felt I had to contribute after reading all those years of excellent stories!