Your most embarrassing sex story

kfallon

kunst nugget wrote: »

There's a technique nurses use to get rid of unwanted erections that involves a tap to the helmet iirc. It's the Spock pinch of foreplay.

A tap of the spoon :P

eisenberg1

adam88 wrote: »

What does happen with it ??

kfallon wrote: »

A tap of the spoon :P

Or a good smack with a biro.

Boom_Bap

eisenberg1 wrote: »

Or a good smack with a biro.

You know that scene in The Beach where DiCaprio punches the shark, that's another technique that is being trialled.

I've one or 2 stories.
When in Australia driving on a highway in the middle of nowhere, the 'horn' (that shall be expanded on shortly) took over and the ex started giving me head whilst I drove. After a while, I pulled the car over, pushed back her seat and reclined it and knelt in the footwell of the passanger side. I began the deed. She hurt her foot kicking the rear view mirror. So she adjusted her position and put her foot on the steering wheel.

Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep Beep

After the initial giggles, it was noted that this caught the attention of a mysteriously now busy highway compared to the deserted one it was a short time before.


There was another time with the same girl in a hostel in Galway where the bed was beside a window that appeared to have nothing outside.
Whilst on le job, there was a large hullaballo and cheering so I looked out the window. Turns out there was a balcony of an apartment that could see in and there was a party happening there. They all came out to cheer me on.

bud1970

Had a bad moment at a party years ago...got very drunk, shifted this wee doll, left her home and went back to the party at my place.. crashed on the sofa, and then decided to jerk meself off thinking of her... unfortunateley everyone was watching me perform my "solo" never lived that one down.............

colossus-x

bud1970 wrote: »

Had a bad moment at a party years ago...got very drunk, shifted this wee doll, left her home and went back to the party at my place.. crashed on the sofa, and then decided to jerk meself off thinking of her... unfortunateley everyone was watching me perform my "solo" never lived that one down.............

xtube link please? : )

warpdrive

Timmyctc wrote: »

Did he have sex with the snake then or what?

This is one of the funniest replies I've seen on boards, don't know why

Lisacatlover

Once had a guy ask me if it was in yet...

dinorebel

Lisacatlover wrote: »

Once had a guy ask me if it was in yet...

Had a girl ask me the same thing:o

anvilfour

My ex was one of those rare types who shared my vile taste for sodomy.

One Saturday morning I decided to flip her over and began bumming her eagerly much to her approval.

Unknown to us both her parents had been shopping nearby and decided to let themselves in by the big sliding bay window, into my living room.

Cue them sitting on my sofa while I in blissful ignorance carried on ploughing her anus as she spouted filth like, "Do me up the bum, Daddy!"

I came deep within her bowels with a loud roar, shouting that she was my "ass whore" as I did so - she went off to clean herself in shower while I staggered into living room in my boxers to fix a fry up for us both to show my appreciation.

Cue parents there sitting quietly. Dad had been gripping his knees firmly. Mum gives me knowing look.

Not knowing what to say I offered them a cuppa, only for them to say they must be going. Turns out Mum's brother was in hospital so once Mum knocked on bathroom door sand explained this to my ex, she departed.

We were all very red faced as you can imagine!

The ex's Mum later tried to make things worse by talking with her about anal prolapse, fortunately she was able to steer away from the subject!

anvilfour

My ex was one of those rare types who shared my vile taste for sodomy.

One Saturday morning I decided to flip her over and began bumming her eagerly much to her approval.

Unknown to us both her parents had been shopping nearby and decided to let themselves in by the big sliding bay window, into my living room.

Cue them sitting on my sofa while I in blissful ignorance carried on ploughing her anus as she spouted filth like, "Do me up the bum, Daddy!"

I came deep within her bowels with a loud roar, shouting that she was my "ass whore" as I did so - she went off to clean herself in shower while I staggered into living room in my boxers to fix a fry up for us both to show my appreciation.

Cue parents there sitting quietly. Dad had been gripping his knees firmly. Mum gives me knowing look.

Not knowing what to say I offered them a cuppa, only for them to say they must be going. Turns out Mum's brother was in hospital so once Mum knocked on bathroom door sand explained this to my ex, she departed.

We were all very red faced as you can imagine!

The ex's Mum later tried to make things worse by talking with her about anal prolapse, fortunately she was able to steer away from the subject!

anvilfour

My previous confession of being overhead sodomising my ex by her parents in next room reminds me of a similar embarrassing incident!

Visiting a friend of the family we'll call him John, who had celebrated his 22nd birthday the day beforehand, to give him a present because I'd been outside the country.

The present was an Android tablet and being two young guys we decided to put his broadband session to good use by looking up lesbian porn.

Cue John remarking casually that he practises mutual masturbation every now and then with a male friend of ours - I was shocked as he'd always been something of a ladies' man but told him if he needed to blow off some steam I'd be happy to help.

Unfortunately the dynamics of holding a tablet in one hand while tugging off someone else are rather complex - in the end, I told him not to worry about me - he lay on the floor looking at nasty lesbians on the tablet while I began pulling away at his peter.

This really hadn't been what I'd had in mind for a birthday surprise but decided to run with it!

As I was pulling him off his gf rang - I tried to stop but he held onto my wrist and gestured for me to continue.

They exchanged a few pleasantries with words to the effect that the gf was still in Spain on holiday but would be back on the weekend (this was a Friday).

I don't know if the excitement got to him of cheating or whether it was just time but he came all over my hand a few moments after hanging up.

I cleaned myself up and was happy to say no more about it but John kept saying he "felt selfish" and "always helps out his friends" - anyway the long and the short of it is that next thing I'm standing in front of John getting my first ever BJ from a guy.

Tbh I was quite excited due to the novelty of it plus he was quite effeminate with long hair. Just as I'm grabbing his hair to push myself further down his throat, in walks none other than the gf back from her holiday!

Turns out she wanted to surprise John but seems he surprised her instead! The funny part is that John had his back to her so her first reaction was, "Oh God, sorry!" Slammed door and run away.

It was only when she went up to the big house and spoke to parentals did she put two and two together and realise that it was in fact her boyfriend sucking off another bloke.

Of course I was long gone by then. Not much to tell about the aftermath - she stayed with him after he reassured her it was a one off but eventually left him after he cheated on her with a number of men and women.

Out of spite she told people I was gay, which actually improved relations with the ladies for a short time!

fullstop

^^^ A+ for creative writing.

anvilfour

fullstop wrote:

^^^ A+ for creative writing.

It's bad enough it happened without people like you being skeptical. If I wanted to make stuff up I'd probably invent one about a chance encounter with a Swedish girl in a sauna! 😀

fullstop

anvilfour wrote: »

It's bad enough it happened without people like you being skeptical. If I wanted to make stuff up I'd probably invent one about a chance encounter with a Swedish girl in a sauna! 😀

In that case, I think the 'girl' in your first story may have been a guy.

smash

fullstop wrote: »

^^^ A+ for creative writing.

I gave up after

I in blissful ignorance carried on ploughing her anus as she spouted filth like, "Do me up the bum, Daddy!"

Because it sounds like a badly written porno from a 14yr old.

anvilfour

fullstop wrote: »

In that case, I think the 'girl' in your first story may have been a guy.

It was my ex gf - it was a guy in the second story. Stop me if I'm getting too technical! :-D

anvilfour

smash wrote: »

I gave up after



Because it sounds like a badly written porno from a 14yr old.

I would hardly describe what happened as the fulfilment of a teenage fantasy, my gf was mortified!

anvilfour

I think some of you think you're doing something clever by saying that my experiences didn't happen but it's actually quite insulting. It takes a certain amount of humility and a sense of humour about yourself to admit to something shameful like this - it don't require any intelligence to sit there and say, "Yurr.. I dont tink dat happened."

smash

anvilfour wrote: »

I would hardly describe what happened as the fulfilment of a teenage fantasy, my gf was mortified!

"Do me up the bum, Daddy!"

Just read that quote...

PARlance

smash wrote: »

"Do me up the bum, Daddy!"

Just read that quote...

I just shouted it out loud. The other lads in the office decided on an early lunch.

razorblunt

smash wrote: »

I gave up after



Because it sounds like a badly written porno from a 14yr old.

It reads like one of those stories from FHM back in the day.

Stealthfins

I remember in my late 20's meeting a really attractive looking older woman in The Bodega in Cork.
She was maybe late 40's early 50's.
Really classy looking and well spoken.

Anyway the following morning I woke up in a posh house in Montenotti beside a woman who looked like Iggy Pop

Gave up drinking that year,been sober ever since lol

It was 2003

Hammer89

anvilfour wrote: »

I think some of you think you're doing something clever by saying that my experiences didn't happen but it's actually quite insulting. It takes a certain amount of humility and a sense of humour about yourself to admit to something shameful like this - it don't require any intelligence to sit there and say, "Yurr.. I dont tink dat happened."

I've been called a liar on here for re-telling certain sexual experiences too. I took it as a compliment because the better the story, the more cynicism it attracts. If you know it's true then nothing else matters.

kunst nugget

So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters…

Hammer89

kunst nugget wrote: »

So close no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters…

Maybe anvilfour's ex wrote that song.

One More Toy

First time sex was a joke. Met a nice bird out on the town back at college, she was far more experienced than i was. Didnt tell her i was a virgin though im sure she knew.

Anyway think of the scene from the inbetweeners with Will doing Charlotte for the first time.

Yep, that was me.

Bonus story of first bj, i came in her mouth, she sneezed and shot it all out

Yeah_Right

I originally put this post in a thread about socially awkward situations a couple of years ago and I thought it might be appropriate for this thread as well.


Years ago when I was 18, I was going to a party with my girlfriend (16). It was her friends party and she lived on the other side of town so I was going to spend the night at the GFs parents place in the spare room. There was a big rugby game the night on the other side of the world so kick off was at 3am.
We get home, her parents are in bed so we start watching the game in the spare room. Its not long before neither of us are paying any attention to the match (apart from the odd look when a try was scored). Anyway she finally goes to her own room after the game finishes and I fall asleep happy (my team won).
Next morning we are in the kitchen and her mum is making us some breakfast asking us about the night. She asks us what the match was like. Then says "it didn't sound like the 2 of you were really watching it". I spit my coffee all over the table and the daughter goes bright red. As the mum serves us breakfast "hope you were careful and you are lucky your father didn't wake up".
It was an awkward silent breakfast and a long time before I visited that house again.

armaghlad

A friend of mine (yes a friend) wouldn't be the sharpest tool in the box...

In his line of work he is provided with a company mobile phone which each person doing the "on-call" shift uses.

So one night he's on call, is feeling randy and decides to text Anouska (a prostitute with whom he has previously been acquainted with) and he decides to use the work phone instead of his own personal one. Like I said not the sharpest tool in the box.

Anyway he continues on with his endeavour and ends the shift and the phone is returned to the work place the next day. The perfect crime one would think.

Not so much for his colleague who is on call for the next night. He does his shift without incident and as such has no need to even look at the phone. Once he is off call he goes to sleep. As per procedure whoever is on call has to return the phone to the depot the next day; however for whatever reason this guy forget to do so and left the phone in his house. The wife, being a curious being had a quick nosey through the phone. Cue the poor guy getting ****ed out of the house as a result!

armaghlad

More a tale of endeavour rather than embarrassment but still worthy of inclusion...

Interrailing across Europe and we found ourselves in Prague. There happened to a party of girls from home some of the guys knew; and upon speaking to them they told us to avoid a particularly lively bar that we thought looked good, because it was "full of prostitutes". No prizes for guessing where we went that evening for a few jars...

Anyway one of the lads, we'll call him C, is particularly drunk and is also slightly frustrated; as he wouldn't be the best looking chap and as such sexual encounters would be few and far between. Anyhoo, he always had a particular fondness for oriental type ladies and there just so happened to be an Asian girl across the room.

After a while C is eventually drunk enough to build up the courage to approach this lady, and enquires as to how much her services would cost for the evening. An obvious language barrier means that this isnt exactly easy; and her accompanying friend soon realises what C is asking. She shouts at him, pushes him away and pulls her friend outside for a smoke, leaving C quite confused and dismayed at this rebuttal.

It soon dawns on him that this lady was not in fact a prostitute. The fantasy is over you'd think... Fear not. C is made of sterner stuff. He sees that the girls are smokers but their lighter is faulty. Using some quick thinking he immediately takes a lighter off from one of the lads and brings it to the girls. He then somehow manages to engage in meaningful conversation with the two females and weasel his way back into the good books. At this stage however, we are tired, and one of our other friends is paralytic and needs brought back to the hostel. We try to get C to join us but he has done far too much groundwork at this stage to give up now. He says he will join us later on and we leave him fighting what we thought was a losing battle...

Fast forward to 7am in the morning and I'm being woke up by one of the lads very quietly trying his best not to laugh. He points over to the bunk beds and there is the sight that I will never forget. A white arse and two red balls going at it like a dog on heat. They are oblivious to the fact that they have an audience and it isn't long before the girl's underwear is spotted on the floor and commandeered. Obviously we thought the logical thing to do was put the girl's underwear on our paralytic friends face who was still drunk from the night before who was sleeping on the bunk beside C. They soon finished up and your wan slipped off minus her under garments. C was pretty impressed with himself having clutched victory from the jaws of defeat; while we had a good chuckle at paralytic who was at this stage awake but still unaware that he had an Asian girls pink pants on his face

allibastor

armaghlad wrote: »

More a tale of endeavour rather than embarrassment but still worthy of inclusion...

Interrailing across Europe and we found ourselves in Prague. There happened to a party of girls from home some of the guys knew; and upon speaking to them they told us to avoid a particularly lively bar that we thought looked good, because it was "full of prostitutes". No prizes for guessing where we went that evening for a few jars...

Anyway one of the lads, we'll call him C, is particularly drunk and is also slightly frustrated; as he wouldn't be the best looking chap and as such sexual encounters would be few and far between. Anyhoo, he always had a particular fondness for oriental type ladies and there just so happened to be an Asian girl across the room.

After a while C is eventually drunk enough to build up the courage to approach this lady, and enquires as to how much her services would cost for the evening. An obvious language barrier means that this isnt exactly easy; and her accompanying friend soon realises what C is asking. She shouts at him, pushes him away and pulls her friend outside for a smoke, leaving C quite confused and dismayed at this rebuttal.

It soon dawns on him that this lady was not in fact a prostitute. The fantasy is over you'd think... Fear not. C is made of sterner stuff. He sees that the girls are smokers but their lighter is faulty. Using some quick thinking he immediately takes a lighter off from one of the lads and brings it to the girls. He then somehow manages to engage in meaningful conversation with the two females and weasel his way back into the good books. At this stage however, we are tired, and one of our other friends is paralytic and needs brought back to the hostel. We try to get C to join us but he has done far too much groundwork at this stage to give up now. He says he will join us later on and we leave him fighting what we thought was a losing battle...

Fast forward to 7am in the morning and I'm being woke up by one of the lads very quietly trying his best not to laugh. He points over to the bunk beds and there is the sight that I will never forget. A white arse and two red balls going at it like a dog on heat. They are oblivious to the fact that they have an audience and it isn't long before the girl's underwear is spotted on the floor and commandeered. Obviously we thought the logical thing to do was put the girl's underwear on our paralytic friends face who was still drunk from the night before who was sleeping on the bunk beside C. They soon finished up and your wan slipped off minus her under garments. C was pretty impressed with himself having clutched victory from the jaws of defeat; while we had a good chuckle at paralytic who was at this stage awake but still unaware that he had an Asian girls pink pants on his face

Best story ever!

cowboyBuilder

anvilfour wrote: »

I think some of you think you're doing something clever by saying that my experiences didn't happen but it's actually quite insulting. It takes a certain amount of humility and a sense of humour about yourself to admit to something shameful like this - it don't require any intelligence to sit there and say, "Yurr.. I dont tink dat happened."

you´re right, takes some balls to admitting **** of your mate

Unless your bi-sexual ....
WHY??????

armaghlad

Not really a sex story but one we took the piss out of for ages.

There used to be a country pub near us with attached disco when we were younger where we'd head to because we weren't of legal age. Due to the remote location, this place flaunted the drinking laws but it was also hard to get a taxi from back into town.

I had two friends and both are 2nd or 3rd cousins. One of them lived close-ish to the pub while the other lived in town, so one Saturday night he stayed over at the cousins house out in the sticks.

He wasn't overly familiar with the lay out of the bungalow as he had rarely been in it. So after a night at the disco he was in cousin's room when he wakes up in the early hours needing the toilet. Still drunk he gets up and finds his way to the bathroom, relieves himself and tries to make his way back to the bedroom. Finds the bedroom and climbs in to bed... beside none other than the da! Nonethewiser he's about to go to sleep before the da who had just woken tells him he's in the wrong bed! He didn't live that one down!

Stigura

Short and sweet:

" Stigura, you're in the wrong hole. "

'No, I'm not.'

" Yes, you are. "

'Mm. Yes. I s'pose you'd know best about that.' Shlip!

Bonzo Delaney

armaghlad wrote: »

Not really a sex story but one we took the piss out of for ages.

There used to be a country pub near us with attached disco when we were younger where we'd head to because we weren't of legal age. Due to the remote location, this place flaunted the drinking laws but it was also hard to get a taxi from back into town.

I had two friends and both are 2nd or 3rd cousins. One of them lived close-ish to the pub while the other lived in town, so one Saturday night he stayed over at the cousins house out in the sticks.

He wasn't overly familiar with the lay out of the bungalow as he had rarely been in it. So after a night at the disco he was in cousin's room when he wakes up in the early hours needing the toilet. Still drunk he gets up and finds his way to the bathroom, relieves himself and tries to make his way back to the bedroom. Finds the bedroom and climbs in to bed... beside none other than the da! Nonethewiser he's about to go to sleep before the da who had just woken tells him he's in the wrong bed! He didn't live that one down!

Was any body else expecting that story to go down the road of yer man pissing on to the folks bed or in to their wardrobe I've heard it happened to .....a friend ahem.

armaghlad

Bonzo Delaney wrote: »

Was any body else expecting that story to go down the road of yer man pissing on to the folks bed or in to their wardrobe I've heard it happened to .....a friend ahem.

Oh so you want a pissing story...

A group of friends in Galway about 4 years back for a jolly boy's outing... friend number one is particularly drunk and starts giving random people in the street abuse, including some elderly folk. Friend number 2 is livid but being as cute as a fox he bides his time. Later in the evening he pisses in friend number one's shoe and never let's on.

Friend number one only found this all out a few months ago.

astonaidan

Woke up in bed of girl I wasnt into but who knew had a crush on me, asked her if we did anything she said no, she didnt take kindly to my "Oh thank God"
What I learned dont drink and hang around stalkerish girls you have no interest in

ToddyDoody

But the most embarrassing one of all.....

*flop*

(and 'the lads' find out)

J Mysterio

armaghlad wrote: »

Oh so you want a pissing story...

A group of friends in Galway about 4 years back for a jolly boy's outing... friend number one is particularly drunk and starts giving random people in the street abuse, including some elderly folk. Friend number 2 is livid but being as cute as a fox he bides his time. Later in the evening he pisses in friend number one's shoe and never let's on.

Friend number one only found this all out a few months ago.

Nice friends.

Mister Vain

A cramp in the foot is a curse. It's even worse when it happens while you're doing it doggy style. You don't want to stop so you start stomping on the end of the bed to try and get rid of it and you end up looking like you're trying to start a motorbike. The cramp subsides momentarily but as you're about to change positions it comes back, resulting in your knee jerking forward and hitting her on the arse. You panic and immediately slap her on the other side of her arse to make it look like its part of the act.

callaway92

Mister Vain wrote: »

A cramp in the foot is a curse. It's even worse when it happens while you're doing it doggy style. You don't want to stop so you start stomping on the end of the bed to try and get rid of it and you end up looking like you're trying to start a motorbike. The cramp subsides momentarily but as you're about to change positions it comes back, resulting in your knee jerking forward and hitting her on the arse. You panic and immediately slap her on the other side of her arse to make it look like its part of the act.

This is a complete copy almost word for word of a post a few pages back.

Professor Genius

Heavy Pierre wrote: »

There is another mate of mine completely obsessed with his own schlong to the point he has no interest in chasing lasses (or laddies for that matter). He opened up about it one night in the pub. It's highly odd - he even has pics of his own schlong on his phone for **** bank material. He keeps it waxed and everything !

Ha ha ! Funniest one so far ! Thanks to who pointed me to this thread ! You know who !