Your most embarrassing sex story

citytillidie

canadianwoman wrote: »

There is that one story about me, 2 guys and a raccoon in a tent deep in a wintery Canadian forest but none of you want to hear about that.

It's too close to thanksgiving for that story.

Legs.Eleven

Timmyctc wrote: »

Arah go on and finish the story there

You snapped it. Blood all over the gaf. Morto.

sea_monkey

sea_monkey wrote: »

have a story about me and a puppy actually lol, rainy days eh?

It's not cheating if it's your dog.

Muise...

fell asleep.

I'm sorry *****, I'm sure you were really good.

KeithM89

A few years ago i was out in a club with a few friends, the night was nearly over, we were all really drunk, when one of them came up, said he pulled and didnt have any condoms so gave him one, a few minutes later i pulled too, ran into the bathroom to get some johnnys from the vending machine and went off with her.
Eventually get back to her place, just about to do it when i reach into my pocket and instead of a condom, pull out a packet of Poppets.

exador

My first time was embarrassing...

After we had finished I looked around and her Mother was standing there looking at us...There was akward silence and nobody spoke for what seemed like five minutes..... And then eventually the silence was broken by he mother..

She just went Baaaaaaaaaa

cantdecide

Super-Rush wrote: »

A friend eh?

Thread is useless without a 'A friend' amnesty!!

Osborne

Keith wrote: »

A few years ago i was out in a club with a few friends, the night was nearly over, we were all really drunk, when one of them came up, said he pulled and didnt have any condoms so gave him one, a few minutes later i pulled too, ran into the bathroom to get some johnnys from the vending machine and went off with her.
Eventually get back to her place, just about to do it when i reach into my pocket and instead of a condom, pull out a packet of Poppets.

Mint or toffee?

At least your pocket got a good rattle. Noisy b*stards.

KeithM89

Osborne wrote: »

Mint or toffee?

At least your pocket got a good rattle. Noisy b*stards.

Toffee.
I offered her one and she wasnt impressed. She wouldnt even suck me off so just walked home and ate the rest.
One of my more successful nights in fairness.

Itwasntme.

I got with a guy I really liked. I had a panic attack mid-action. I dressed up really quickly while trying concentrate on breathing and legged it. I've been trying to get him to talk to me since but it's never going to happen .

Mr. CooL ICE

Back when I was 18, I pulled in a nightclub and myself and herself left and went down an alley. She gave me a hand shandy. We later went to supermacs where I thought I had spilled ketchup on my pants. But it wasn't ketchup. She had been wearing a sharp ring which had caused damage

Mocha Joe

Couldn't get it up. The end.

Witchie

I was in my early 30's but looked mid twenties and pulled this young lad in a niteclub thinking he was late 20's. We snogged and when he was walking me home we stopped in a doorway for a bit of a curt. I was about to be rather bold but asked him his age and when he replied that he was 19, I told him "zip up and go home to your mother".

I have better stories but you will have to wait to read them in my book some day.

BonsaiKitten

Witchie wrote: »

I was in my early 30's but looked mid twenties and pulled this young lad in a niteclub thinking he was late 20's. We snogged and when he was walking me home we stopped in a doorway for a bit of a curt. I was about to be rather bold but asked him his age and when he replied that he was 19, I told him "zip up and go home to your mother".

I have better stories but you will have to wait to read them in my book some day.

I don't think I want to know what this is!

Mocha Joe

BonsaiKitten wrote: »

I don't think I want to know what this is!

It's my new favourite word. That's what it is.

Witchie

Did ya never go curtin? Jaysus! Shur its as good as a shift.

monkeysnapper

Witchie wrote: »

I was in my early 30's but looked mid twenties and pulled this young lad in a niteclub thinking he was late 20's. We snogged and when he was walking me home we stopped in a doorway for a bit of a curt. I was about to be rather bold but asked him his age and when he replied that he was 19, I told him "zip up and go home to your mother".

I have better stories but you will have to wait to read them in my book some day.

I want to hear more stories, you can pm them to me. I can help you with your book as well if you want

BonsaiKitten

Witchie wrote: »

Did ya never go curtin? Jaysus! Shur its as good as a shift.

Oh I see, it's one of these mad culchie words :P
A shift, pssh, where I come from it's a score.

Witchie

BonsaiKitten wrote: »

Oh I see, it's one of these mad culchie words :P
A shift, pssh, where I come from it's a score.

You yung wans with your fancy pants words. Is a score not drugs?

BonsaiKitten

Witchie wrote: »

You yung wans with your fancy pants words. Is a score not drugs?

Omygod roysh that is so totes uncool?
A score is what da boiz say when they get some hot luminously orange young 'un wearing a belt and little else...the other kind of score is something else

keith16

Witchie wrote: »

You yung wans with your fancy pants words. Is a score not drugs?

A score is twenty money.

"Gis de lend of a score" = Please may I borrow twenty of your monies.

Witchie

Thanks for educating this old fart on the nuances of modern day lingo.

Mocha Joe

A morning after story rather than a sex story. This girl I spent the night with in her place went to get us chicken fillet rolls in the morning. I ran off while she was doing this and went home. Only to realise I had left my phone there. She text a mates number to say what happened and he met up with her to get my phone back. He said she asked a couple questions about me and said she had put her number into my phone so I can get in touch again. Bit mental. I was an asshole though. Pretty embarrassed about that.

Smidge

Mocha Joe wrote: »

A morning after story rather than a sex story. This girl I spent the night with in her place went to get us chicken fillet rolls in the morning. I ran off while she was doing this and went home. Only to realise I had left my phone there. She text a mates number to say what happened and he met up with her to get my phone back. He said she asked a couple questions about me and said she had put her number into my phone so I can get in touch again. Bit mental. I was an asshole though. Pretty embarrassed about that.

You ran out on a chicken fillet roll that SHE went out to get you :eek:
You need help

Itwasntme.

Mocha Joe wrote: »

A morning after story rather than a sex story. This girl I spent the night with in her place went to get us chicken fillet rolls in the morning. I ran off while she was doing this and went home. Only to realise I had left my phone there. She text a mates number to say what happened and he met up with her to get my phone back. He said she asked a couple questions about me and said she had put her number into my phone so I can get in touch again. Bit mental. I was an asshole though. Pretty embarrassed about that.

Why didn't you just tell her you wanted to leave instead of bailing? I am not judging. I am just curious.

Mocha Joe

Smidge wrote: »

You ran out on a chicken fillet roll that SHE went out to get you :eek:
You need help

The last thing this girl needed was a chicken fillet roll to be honest.

antodeco

After waking up on my own one morning, I decided to watch a bit of sexy action on the interweb. As most men do, my sock was the chosen vessel for my ejaculate. Off it pops and then I fall asleep. Waking up an hour later I hop up and run out the door to the shops. Its only then I realise that I'm wearing the same sock of that mornings love fest.

Mocha Joe

Itwasntme. wrote: »

Why didn't you just tell her you wanted to leave instead of bailing?

Awkward because she seemed really into me and I wasn't into her at all. Too much drink involved. I was 19 and a coward. I'm a bit more grown up now.

Mocha Joe

antodeco wrote: »

After waking up on my own one morning, I decided to watch a bit of sexy action on the interweb. As most men do, my sock was the chosen vessel for my ejaculate. Off it pops and then I fall asleep. Waking up an hour later I hop up and run out the door to the shops. Its only then I realise that I'm wearing the same sock of that mornings love fest.

Do most men do this? I don't see the appeal of using a sock for that at all. Disgusting.

ringadingding

I was living in Wexford when I was around 17, and went back to a colleagues with his mrs and her sister, the girls were fairly pikeyish in fairness, but the sister was all over me like a rash after we got wasted drunk, we went back to her folks bungalow, bad move. But anyways.

Got there, heavy petting, bit of a bang off her and the house, we had no condoms so I pulled the ' you give me head and I'll return the favour ', which she did, and I returned the favour.
Laid her down on the rug, pulled down her knickers and started to kiss her nethers.
Jaysus, the smell was horrific, I gagged and started retching and vomiting on her belly, she screamed and her da came running out of one of the bedrooms to find his 16 year old daughter on the floor and some trouser less chubby feller apologising and walking out the house.
He gave me a awful clatter to the back of the head, I got into the car and drove home.
Trouser less.

I've never been able to touch smoked fish to this day

antodeco

dingding wrote: »

I was living in Wexford when I was around 17, and went back to a colleagues with his mrs and her sister, the girls were fairly pikeyish in fairness, but the sister was all over me like a rash after we got wasted drunk, we went back to her folks bungalow, bad move. But anyways.

Got there, heavy petting, bit of a bang off her and the house, we had no condoms so I pulled the ' you give me head and I'll return the favour ', which she did, and I returned the favour.
Laid her down on the rug, pulled down her knickers and started to kiss her nethers.
Jaysus, the smell was horrific, I gagged and started retching and vomiting on her belly, she screamed and her da came running out of one of the bedrooms to find his 16 year old daughter on the floor and some trouser less chubby feller apologising and walking out the house.
He gave me a awful clatter to the back of the head, I got into the car and drove home.
Trouser less.

I've never been able to touch smoked fish to this day

You are aware thats actually statutory rape, based on your ages!

anncoates

Some of these should be moved to the creative writing forum.

scudzilla

it involved my banjo string......and a lot of blood :(

ringadingding

antodeco wrote: »

You are aware thats actually statutory rape, based on your ages!

Meh, it was Wexford, lucky we didn't have a couple of kids from a previous marriage

Smidge

ringadingding wrote: »

I was living in Wexford when I was around 17, and went back to a colleagues with his mrs and her sister, the girls were fairly pikeyish in fairness, but the sister was all over me like a rash after we got wasted drunk, we went back to her folks bungalow, bad move. But anyways.

Got there, heavy petting, bit of a bang off her and the house, we had no condoms so I pulled the ' you give me head and I'll return the favour ', which she did, and I returned the favour.
Laid her down on the rug, pulled down her knickers and started to kiss her nethers.
Jaysus, the smell was horrific, I gagged and started retching and vomiting on her belly, she screamed and her da came running out of one of the bedrooms to find his 16 year old daughter on the floor and some trouser less chubby feller apologising and walking out the house.
He gave me a awful clatter to the back of the head, I got into the car and drove home.
Trouser less.

I've never been able to touch smoked fish to this day

You had colleagues at the age of 17?

biko

I was going to type it all out but you can just read my blog instead
www.tuckermax.com

ringadingding

Smidge wrote: »

You had colleagues at the age of 17?

Yeah, came over straight from school in the uk, started work straight away, my first job.

stoeger

A girl my wife works with walks in to her brothers room to find him fast asleep with his lad in hand playstation controller on his lap and tome rader on on the tv

zenno

I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms, indulge every whim, ignore the consequences of my actions, mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally act like a raging dickhead.

Someone must have read my brain, That's me to a T.

cantdecide

I actually feel so sad for the nice girl with two chicken rolls and no one to share them with

ColeTrain

cantdecide wrote: »

I actually feel so sad for the nice girl with two chicken rolls and no one to share them with

From what the poster hinted, she probably would have been happy out having the two rolls for herself

Smidge

ColeTrain wrote: »

From what the poster hinted, she probably would have been happy out having the two rolls for herself

She probably got more enjoyment out of them than the poster gave her too.

.Henry Sellers.

ColeTrain wrote: »

From what the poster hinted, she probably would have been happy out having the two rolls for herself

One Roll for eating and the other for eh...... a future embarrassing sex story.

ColeTrain

Smidge wrote: »

She probably got more enjoyment out of them than the poster gave her too.

I think that's a given

ColeTrain

Smidge wrote: »

She probably got more enjoyment out of them than the poster gave her too.

I think that's a given

Smidge

ColeTrain wrote: »

I think that's a given

No need to say it twice, I heard ya the first time

Also, wasn't complimenting the posters eh "technique" lol

ColeTrain

Smidge wrote: »

No need to say it twice, I heard ya the first time

Also, wasn't complimenting the posters eh "technique" lol

Ha on my mobile. One for each chicken fillet roll

Smidge

Is anyone else craving a chicken fillet roll now?
It's just me, right?

ardle1

Timmyctc wrote: »

I was joking. It was a joke. Please don't hurt me again.

We trusted you and you lied to us how can we ever forgive you.... I suppose you wanna hear my story about the time me and my fiancé were in bed together doin what we do did (best) her on top, anyway we didn't realise her friend had sneaked into the room and was standing at the door watching us, I thought it was hilarious, needless to say we got her back a few days later:cool:

JyesusChrist

Heard that same story from someone else.