Your most embarrassing sex story

kunst nugget

Smidge wrote: »

I really hate to be a killjoy but please say you still used a condom?

I think it's the blowjob after the anal that would be the killjoy.

Crooked Jack

kunst nugget wrote: »

I think it's the blowjob after the anal that would be the killjoy.

Or the cherry on the cake

Daveysil15

RobFowl wrote: »

When they get stuck like that often end up in AE needing to be put back. Before starting my first job in AE we actually got specific training on how to do it..

PS re Banjo string posts I feel your pain...

Some training on how to give proper head should be mandatory too.

ectoraige

Gongoozler wrote: »

Your first time was with a sheep?

For future reference.

WhatNowForUs?

The Big Smoke wrote: »

LMAO

Hate when a girl just lies there like a sack of potatoes though, they can do some of the work.

Multitasking is a myth!!!

Smidge

ectoraige wrote: »

Yes, if by "chicken fillet roll" you mean a big warm sliced demi-baguette filled with warm breaded chicken, accompanied with lettuce and tomato, and lashings of mayonnaise, then yes, I am.

You randy dirtbag, you.

Sadly, that's exactly what I meant

Smidge

ANXIOUS wrote: »

Killjoy

Yes, yes I am
Ah well, wasn't my Brenda Fricker so what the hey :P

Chairman Meow

lau1247 wrote: »

The word 'sadly' sounded like you actually prefer a ladyboy :pac:

Compared to the burd i was with at the time, any ladyboy wouldve been a welcome upgrade

DazMarz

Blitzkrieger wrote: »

Jebus! :eek:

Thankfully I've never had the problem but I would have thought that as soon as... things calmed down a bit, it'd be no problem to slide it back in place. I'm actually curious about how it becomes an emergency though - is it not just a bit sore? Or does the foreskin cut off the flow of blood away from the penis? Either way I want to hear more from that other user about how it gets fixed; that sounds hilarious and/or excrutiating.

It can cause gangrene if left untreated. Serious. Fúcking horrible thing. It's more than a little bit bad...

Bit of a graphic pic on the page:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paraphimosis

Crooked Jack

DazMarz wrote: »

It can cause gangrene if left untreated. Serious. Fúcking horrible thing. It's more than a little bit bad...

Bit of a graphic pic on the page:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paraphimosis

AHH AHH AHHH WHY?!? WHY!?!

Bum Bum

Hooked up with a tasty lass. Went back to hers. No lube. Used some butter. She had a cat in the gaff. The fecker went mad for the butter on me cock. Chased me out of the bed. Pussy after cock ! Ha !

pharmaton

Bum Bum wrote: »

Hooked up with a tasty lass. Went back to hers. No lube. Used some butter. She had a cat in the gaff. The fecker went mad for the butter on me cock. Chased me out of the bed. Pussy after cock ! Ha !

was she dry like toast or something?

Bum Bum

pharmaton wrote: »

was she dry like toast or something?

Bum Bum likes the back door. Lube ain't optional

nozzferrahhtoo

Not embarrassing so much as painful.

In my early college years I became known as "Traveling Uncle Matt" from the fraggles due to my addiction to live music and a penchant for picking singers I liked and following them on their tour.

In the early days of David Gray "before he was good" I saw him play 6 UK venues in 5 days ranging from Brighton and Glasgow. It was the heady days of being a college lad and I was proud of the fact that I managed to "bed" a different girl from the audience every night after the show (with the exception of glasgow when I ended up matching David Gray drink for drink through a bottle of whisky until we passed out in the back of King Tuts Wah Wah hut).

However back to the topic: After the london gig I brought a girl back to the cheapest of cheapy london hotels and we proceeded to do the things we got there to do. I..... achieved my end of the bargain and went down below to orally ensure she did the same.

So good was the experience for her (at least how I tell it) that she grabbed onto the cheap wooden headboard to help raise herself up to meet my administrations and at the point of climax.... for her.... said head board came off in her hands and...... due to the natural arc described by the average human arm that is pulling a piece of wood from behind their head in the general direction of the space in front of their head.... came squarely down on my head.

From MY perspective however it was a case of "YES.... YES..... Dont stop.... Oh here I....." "erm why am i on the floor and why did you just pour a glass of water on my head?" "Oh thank god you are alive!"

Ihatecuddles-old

sbsquarepants wrote: »

What exactly is the function of super sticky lube? Are you sure it wasn't glue?:D

I paid 88c for in Wal Mart, I mistook it for toothpaste once too. Went to the toilet, brushed my teeth, got into bed and couldnt understand why it felt like Id been eating PVA glue. Thought it was just me being drunk and having a dry mouth.

pharmaton wrote: »

this one time I had sex, the whole thing was just shameful tbh. bodies writhing nakedy against each other and love juices spilling out all over the place, not to mention the sex noises. Won't be doing that again for sure.

Bodies writhing naked, love juices all over the place, sex noises. Sounds like my kind of sex!

The Big Smoke wrote: »

LMAO

Hate when a girl just lies there like a sack of potatoes though, they can do some of the work.

seenitall wrote: »

AKA 'the Starfish'. :pac:

http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/im-a-girl-and-im-going-to-have-sex-with-my-boyfriend-what-do-i-do-spongebob.jpg

Muise...

Ihatecuddles wrote: »

Bodies writhing naked, love juices all over the place, sex noises. Sounds like my kind of sex!

there's another kind?

Ihatecuddles-old

Bum Bum wrote: »

Hooked up with a tasty lass. Went back to hers. No lube. Used some butter. She had a cat in the gaff. The fecker went mad for the butter on me cock. Chased me out of the bed. Pussy after cock ! Ha !

I've used butter before, along with many other things from my kitchen I should just use spit in future, or none at all like I often have. Why oh why did I splat dairygold on my hole?

bud1970

Mate of mine got caught badly one night. he was half cut and pulled this knacker that had been cadging drinks all night. we all knew what she was but he couldn't see it. was chatting of taking her home and all.. anyhoooo, to cut a long story short, they get out to the back seat of a car, she drops her knickers, spreads her legs, and says...(in best knacker voice) "Lob it on there boss!!" i swear you couldn't see his feet, he ran that fast!!!

Muise...

bud1970 wrote: »

Mate of mine got caught badly one night. he was half cut and pulled this knacker that had been cadging drinks all night. we all knew what she was but he couldn't see it. was chatting of taking her home and all.. anyhoooo, to cut a long story short, they get out to the back seat of a car, she drops her knickers, spreads her legs, and says...(in best knacker voice) "Lob it on there boss!!" i swear you couldn't see his feet, he ran that fast!!!

sounds like your friend scored an urban legend, fair play to him.

Muise...

Muise... wrote: »

there's another kind?

"Brace yerself luv im goin in dry" springs to mind.

Muise...

Deleted User wrote: »

"Brace yerself luv im goin in dry" springs to mind.

that doesn't ring a bell.

canadianwoman

Ihatecuddles wrote: »

I've used butter before, along with many other things from my kitchen I should just use spit in future, or none at all like I often have. Why oh why did I splat dairygold on my hole?

Get yourself some coconut oil. Best lube there is and you don't have to use up the butter.

up for anything

Crooked Jack wrote: »

Up the bum, no harm done

So true. Nobody ever picked up an STD from unprotected anal sex. :rolleyes:

fullstop

DazMarz wrote: »

It can cause gangrene if left untreated. Serious. Fúcking horrible thing. It's more than a little bit bad...

Bit of a graphic pic on the page:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paraphimosis

It is a shockingly painful thing!

herisson

Smidge wrote: »

I really hate to be a killjoy but please say you still used a condom?

Nope, both condoms we had ripped, i didnt have any, he just had his two.

Addle wrote: »

And why did she need the MAP?

See above, both ripped , i wasnt on anything at the time and i wasn't taking the chance, no matter how small of chance it was.

Engine No.9

up for anything wrote: »

So true. Nobody ever picked up an STD from unprotected anal sex. :rolleyes:

Nope. Specially not the gay lads back in the 80's :pac:

Smidge

pajopearl wrote: »

Nope. Specially not the gay lads back in the 80's :pac:

And they are not the ones with the increase in STD's

It's the damn hetrosexuals :P

DazMarz

For a lot of weird sexual stories, Mötley Crüe's autobiography, The Dirt is loaded with them. Proper sex, drugs and rock n roll shít. Some of the classier ones include:

-The lads all cheat on their respective girlfriends while gigging in L.A. and don't want to get caught. To "wash" the smell of another girl off their cocks, they buy burritos. They open the end of the burrito and stick their cocks into the burritos. Why their girlfriends wouldn't question why their cocks smelt like Mexican food is never answered, however.

-Making a girl sit naked on a champagne bottle backstage so she will get a chance to sleep with Tommy Lee.

-Having sex with a fan's girlfriend in a trailer, while he waits outside like a moron waiting for an autograph.

-Nikki Sixx having sex with an Olympic fencer's girlfriend, then having to avoid said fencer for ages lest he be stabbed to death.

Can't remember all of it now. But my god, they were sick fúckers back in the day. Not alone, though. Every rock band was at the same or worse back in the 1980's. Poison were fúcking notorious, as were Ratt.

seosamh1980

Pixie-Fairy wrote: »

Nope, both condoms we had ripped, i didnt have any, he just had his two.



See above, both ripped , i wasnt on anything at the time and i wasn't taking the chance, no matter how small of chance it was.

Much better to risk HIV, STI's, all manner of things. Good call!

Timmyctc

seosamh1980 wrote: »

Much better to risk HIV, STI's, all manner of things. Good call!

seosamh1980

In fairness, it's pretty ridiculous to say you don't want to risk getting pregnant but sure bring on the diseases anyway.

Timmyctc

seosamh1980 wrote: »

In fairness, it's pretty ridiculous to say you don't want to risk getting pregnant but sure bring on the diseases anyway.

Unprotected sex between healthy hygienic adults is possible too. Its not all AIDS and gangreney testicles

homemadecider

Pixie-Fairy wrote: »

Nope, both condoms we had ripped, i didnt have any, he just had his two.

See above, both ripped , i wasnt on anything at the time and i wasn't taking the chance, no matter how small of chance it was.

No worries about STDs, no? HIV is pretty scary stuff.

Ihatecuddles-old

seosamh1980 wrote: »

In fairness, it's pretty ridiculous to say you don't want to risk getting pregnant but sure bring on the diseases anyway.

I dont know why, but that seems to be a really common thing. The amount of my friends who dont use condoms because the girl is on the pill is crazy.

I stopped using a condom with my boyfriend, but I get tested regularly.

The Big Smoke

Ihatecuddles wrote: »

I stopped using a condom with my boyfriend, but I get tested regularly.

You must spend a fortune on tests.

Ihatecuddles-old

The Big Smoke wrote: »

You must spend a fortune on tests.

They're all positive so far, fingers crossed :P

The Big Smoke

Ihatecuddles wrote: »

They're all positive so far, fingers crossed :P

HIV positive?? :eek:

Ihatecuddles-old

The Big Smoke wrote: »

HIV positive?? :eek:

that was a joke, I thought you were saying I must spend a fortune on pregnancy tests, so I made a bad joke.

*whoosh*

The Big Smoke

Ihatecuddles wrote: »

*whoosh*

Must...resist...fanny joke...

Timmyctc

The Big Smoke wrote: »

Must...resist...fanny joke...

Echo....echooo....echooooooooo

herisson

seosamh1980 wrote: »

In fairness, it's pretty ridiculous to say you don't want to risk getting pregnant but sure bring on the diseases anyway.

homemadecider wrote: »

No worries about STDs, no? HIV is pretty scary stuff.

Where in my post did i say i wasnt concerned about STDs? I think its highly unfair that you assume i didnt care about getting them based on one drunken incident where the condoms failed.

I did in fact get checked out and i came back clean, no form of any std. It was a one time act without the use of a condom for anal sex. I always use condoms because i am concerned about my sexual health.

dipdip

Ihatecuddles wrote: »

I stopped using a condom with my boyfriend, but I get tested regularly.

Just out of interest, presuming your relationship is monogamous, why do you get tested regularly?

mojesius

Someone once tried to ride my left ear. I haven't been able to look that ear in the eye since.

Ihatecuddles-old

dipdip wrote: »

Just out of interest, presuming your relationship is monogamous, why do you get tested regularly?

Its not monogamous.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Nothing too embarrassing but I once started crying during it, for absolutely no reason either. I was fine, it just started to happen. /shrug

It was with my boyfriend at the time though, so I guess it would have been way more embarrassing if it was with someone I didn't know quite as well

Bum Bum

Anal and fanny farts while pumping away are always funny and somewhat pleasurable

up for anything

dipdip wrote: »

Just out of interest, presuming your relationship is monogamous, why do you get tested regularly?

Not referring to Ihatecuddles relationship but in general.

Ha ha ha ha ha....

Monogamous doesn't always stay that way. Better to be safe than sorry. I've known a few people to find out that their partner was cheating on them because they'd been diagnosed with an STD they couldn't have picked up any other way.

mfceiling

Bum Bum wrote: »

Anal and fanny farts while pumping away are always funny and somewhat pleasurable

What a user name...

Legs.Eleven

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Nothing too embarrassing but I once started crying during it, for absolutely no reason either. I was fine, it just started to happen. /shrug

It was with my boyfriend at the time though, so I guess it would have been way more embarrassing if it was with someone I didn't know quite as well

Pretty common after it.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-coital_tristesse

blacklilly

up for anything wrote: »

Not referring to Ihatecuddles relationship but in general.

Ha ha ha ha ha....

Monogamous doesn't always stay that way. Better to be safe than sorry. I've known a few people to find out that their partner was cheating on them because they'd been diagnosed with an STD they couldn't have picked up any other way.

Apt username.
Yes we all know some people will cheat, be unfaithful but you know some people are also capable of being faithful and think with their head rather than their dick/fanny.