Your most embarrassing sex story

donutheadhomer

I was a bouncer in a night club and found a lad in the toilet with his willy trapped in the toilet roll dispenser - suppose you could call that an embarrassing sex story

found another lad sleeping in on toilet seat with his pants around ankles at the end of the night. I kicked the door to wake him up - he pewked into his pants with shock and pulled them up and walked our - 10 mints later a girl was sucking him off oblivious to the vomit in his pants

mattjack

A mate of mine was playing offside with a married woman whose fellah was off the scene for a bit.

One night he was havin' a slash in his local when yer ones husband followed him into the jax and knocked out his two front teeth during the row....



what ? some of the stories here in this thread are makey up too....

princess-lala

mattjack wrote: »

A mate of mine was playing offside with a married woman whose fellah was off the scene for a bit.

One night he was havin' a slash in his local when yer ones husband followed him into the jax and knocked out his two front teeth during the row....



what ? some of the stories here in this thread are makey up too....

That's not a sex story You could have made it a bit more exciting!

miamee

princess-lala wrote: »

That's not a sex story You could have made it a bit more exciting!

'Tis a scene from

last night's Love/Hate

and not even remotely sexy!!

saltyjack silverblade

mattjack wrote: »

A mate of mine was playing offside with a married woman whose fellah was off the scene for a bit.

One night he was havin' a slash in his local when yer ones husband followed him into the jax and knocked out his two front teeth during the row.... which made him come.


what ? some of the stories here in this thread are makey up too....

Fixed!

mattjack

princess-lala wrote: »

That's not a sex story You could have made it a bit more exciting!

miamee wrote: »

'Tis a scene from

last night's Love/Hate

and not even remotely sexy!!

saltyjack silverblade wrote: »

Fixed!

Alright so , I'm ringing Fran .......

calfmuscle

mattjack wrote: »

Alright so , I'm ringing Fran .......

FOR FCUK'S SAKE I HAVN'T SEEN IT YET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:mad::mad::mad:

donutheadhomer

The Big Smoke wrote: »

You must spend a fortune on tests.

are they not free in clinics?

RobFowl

donutheadhomer wrote: »

are they not free in clinics?

They are

Daveysil15

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Nothing too embarrassing but I once started crying during it, for absolutely no reason either. I was fine, it just started to happen. /shrug.

That reminds me of the scene from Grey's anatomy where Meredith starts crying while been shagged by George.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7JjqlR1OIg

I couldn't find the actual clip so this re-enactment may do.

mackeire

I was 15 and I was grounded. It was a Saturday night and I was sitting at home. I got a text off an older bird that I was kinda seeing saying that she was drunk and horny!!
Only problem was that I was grounded and she was 2 miles away! So anyway, I climbed out through the bedroom window and basically sprinted the 2 miles down to her.
After meeting up with her we were trying to think of somewhere to go that was quiet and the only place we could think of was the local football field but she had only bought a new jacket and didnt want to get it dirty so we ended going at it in a lane way that links the town to a housing estate. She was lying down and I was on top of her givin it loads.
After a few minutes I looked over my shoulder and there was a priest standing there looking at us. I whispered in the girl i was riding ear that the priest was there and she said to just keep going, so I did!!
After blowing me load, I looked around again and the priest was gone. The two of us got up and fixed our clothes and as soon as we were decent, two of my mates ma's and da's walked around the corner and stopped to talk to us. That could have been awkward!!
Made it back to me house without my parents finding out I had gone out so it was the best grounding of my childhood!!!

aujopimur

Fodo, fodo, myself and a pal were about 13 in his bedroom with a page from a girlie mag when his big sister walked in and caught us **** " I'm telling mammy " she said grabbing the page.
Nothing happened for about 3 days, until she walked into the bedroom with a friend, handed us the page and said "do the dirty thing for Frances or I'll tell mammy" so there we were **** away with Frances standing there speechless and the sister laughing her head off. I met the sister many years later and offered her a replay but she declined.

discus

What a ****ed up story. I'm glad my childhood was a bit tamer!

VONSHIRACH

Witchie wrote: »

I was in my early 30's but looked mid twenties and pulled this young lad in a niteclub thinking he was late 20's. We snogged and when he was walking me home we stopped in a doorway for a bit of a curt. I was about to be rather bold but asked him his age and when he replied that he was 19, I told him "zip up and go home to your mother".

I have better stories but you will have to wait to read them in my book some day.

Is that you Adele?;) ( aka Twink)

Legs.Eleven

One time I was about to have SEX with a MAN and he took off his trousers and his underpants and I saw his THINGY!!! I was mortified!

Daveysil15

donutheadhomer wrote: »

I was a bouncer in a night club and found a lad in the toilet with his willy trapped in the toilet roll dispenser - suppose you could call that an embarrassing sex story

found another lad sleeping in on toilet seat with his pants around ankles at the end of the night. I kicked the door to wake him up - he pewked into his pants with shock and pulled them up and walked our - 10 mints later a girl was sucking him off oblivious to the vomit in his pants

Maybe she taught it was pre-cum.

locohobo

lol at this.....

donutheadhomer

Daveysil15 wrote: »

Maybe she taught it was pre-cum.

perhaps or maybe she was hungry and didn't fancy a trip to supermacs (surely less expensive than a trip to A+E though)

karareilly

me and my boyfriend was fooling around experimenting with a vibrating anal egg he bought me , the string broke and the egg got stuck up there .... have to say that killed the moment!!! but was seriously funny and sore :P

bear1

How did you get it out?

Strada

My friend and I love sharing each others kinks and stories. oth of us are married and have played away, but what we both love is having mutual **** sessions while sniffing our wifes dirty panties that we rob from the wash, that drives both of us over the top. well its safer than getting caught shagging other women

bear1

Strada wrote: »

My friend and I love sharing each others kinks and stories. oth of us are married and have played away, but what we both love is having mutual **** sessions while sniffing our wifes dirty panties that we rob from the wash, that drives both of us over the top. well its safer than getting caught shagging other women

So.... you both cheat on your wives?

Strada

We have done, its called experiencing life man. Nobody gets hurt and its great fun

bear1

Strada wrote: »

We have done, its called experiencing life man. Nobody gets hurt and its great fun

Don't think I can agree but whatever lets move on

KCC

Strada wrote: »

My friend and I love sharing each others kinks and stories. oth of us are married and have played away, but what we both love is having mutual **** sessions while sniffing our wifes dirty panties that we rob from the wash, that drives both of us over the top. well its safer than getting caught shagging other women

If this story is for real, then I think you may have some serious issues...

swiftman

KCC wrote: »

If this story is for real, then I think you may have some serious issues...

agree, try reading his other perv story in aldi and following the woman home

The Dagda

Strada wrote: »

My friend and I love sharing each others kinks and stories. oth of us are married and have played away, but what we both love is having mutual **** sessions while sniffing our wifes dirty panties that we rob from the wash, that drives both of us over the top. well its safer than getting caught shagging other women

This post has so much HUH? WTF! and JUST PLAIN WRONG!

MUTUAL **** sessions?!!!

dees99

Not sure if this is a sex story but when I was in 6th class we were brought into the CBS next door to apply for secondary school. I found a condom (onopened) and picked it up not knowing what it was. I opened it and for some reason I thought it was a new type of chewing gum that let you blow bubbles with really easily. Despite the taste i thus proceeded to chew and blow up the condom in my mouth throughout the day until I got home and my mother ripped it out of my mouth! Didn't find out for a couple of years later what it actually was. Fortunately my classmates were as ignorant as me so never got slagged over it! ��

bear1

Judging by the amount of posts he has then I don't think he has the best intentions...

Strada

The Dagda wrote: »

This post has so much HUH? WTF! and JUST PLAIN WRONG!

MUTUAL **** sessions?!!!

Why are there some many prudes here. Life is for living and Im having the craic

bear1

Strada wrote: »

Why are there some many prudes here. Life is for living and Im having the craic

I'd say we all are prudes cause cheating on the wife is a pretty **** thing to do.
Wonder how you'd act if you knew the wife got it nice and good behind your back.
Have the craic before your married. Or failing that and your married... just shag the wife :rolleyes:

CdeC

dees99 wrote: »

Not sure if this is a sex story but when I was in 6th class we were brought into the CBS next door to apply for secondary school. I found a condom (onopened) and picked it up not knowing what it was. I opened it and for some reason I thought it was a new type of chewing gum that let you blow bubbles with really easily. Despite the taste i thus proceeded to chew and blow up the condom in my mouth throughout the day until I got home and my mother ripped it out of my mouth! Didn't find out for a couple of years later what it actually was. Fortunately my classmates were as ignorant as me so never got slagged over it! ��

The prize goes to....

That story made my day. Brilliant. What mothers go through. : )

speedboatchase

My ex and I went to Oxegen a few years ago with another couple and only when the two of us returned back to our tent later that night did we realise that we had the key to the other couple's tent too. So basically we went into our tent and did the sex, while I had my phone close by to answer it when the other couple came back and needed their key. In the middle of the sex my phone rings and I answer it without looking at the number, while inside my ex's vajay, and hear the voice of my mother on the other end . She wanted to give me a call to see how I was getting on. Goodbye, boner.

youtheman

CdeC wrote: »

The prize goes to....

That story made my day. Brilliant. What mothers go through. : )

Had a (slightly) similar condom-story. Washing Machine broke down at home. Fancy machine that diagnosed the problem itself (“pump or hose blocked”). Had several attempts myself to solve it myself, but was unsuccessful and had to ring the repair man. Wife was at home when he arrived. He arrived into the kitchen when he was finished. Could hardly contain his laughter “well I found the problem, it was a balloon…” and he proceeded to put the offending article on the bench. Wife looked at it and said “that’s not a balloon, it’s a condom”.
She rang me at work and it dawned on me that I would have to have a ‘difficult conversation’ with my oldest son (19 years old). When I collared him he denied all knowledge. I said to him “this can be a short conversation, and in fact I would respect you for having the cop-on to have protection”. But he still denied it. Then the reality hit me, I would have to have the same conversation with the second lad (16 years old). But he denied it also. Anyway, I eventually got to the bottom of it. The eldest son had been given a ‘packet’ of Jonnies at rag-week in College. Slipped out of his jeans in the wash (well that’s my conclusion anyway, and I’m not even to countenance any other explanation. Head firmly in the sand on this one).

Muise...

youtheman wrote: »

Had a (slightly) similar condom-story. Washing Machine broke down at home. Fancy machine that diagnosed the problem itself (“pump or hose blocked”). Had several attempts myself to solve it myself, but was unsuccessful and had to ring the repair man. Wife was at home when he arrived. He arrived into the kitchen when he was finished. Could hardly contain his laughter “well I found the problem, it was a balloon…” and he proceeded to put the offending article on the bench. Wife looked at it and said “that’s not a balloon, it’s a condom”.
She rang me at work and it dawned on me that I would have to have a ‘difficult conversation’ with my oldest son (19 years old). When I collared him he denied all knowledge. I said to him “this can be a short conversation, and in fact I would respect you for having the cop-on to have protection”. But he still denied it. Then the reality hit me, I would have to have the same conversation with the second lad (16 years old). But he denied it also. Anyway, I eventually got to the bottom of it. The eldest son had been given a ‘packet’ of Jonnies at rag-week in College. Slipped out of his jeans in the wash (well that’s my conclusion anyway, and I’m not even to countenance any other explanation. Head firmly in the sand on this one).

you have a fiendishly clever wife.

Daidy2011

Crooked Jack wrote: »

AHH AHH AHHH WHY?!? WHY!?!

Thank the Lord for circumcision

ruthloss

Not me but a friend of mine (true story)

Her little boy came back from a weekend with her estranged husband and said "Daddy has a big doll and it's hanging on the back of his bedroom door".

Maximus Alexander

Moved into an apartment a couple of years ago and after a night out and a couple of bottles of wine, the mood took us and myself and my girlfriend decided it would be a great idea to have sex on the balcony. It was only the next morning that I realised there was a CCTV camera at the front door of the building which was pointed right at us.

bear1

Post the tape or it didn't happen

Maximus Alexander

Hahaha, I didn't have access to the tape! I just hope nobody was actually watching and as a result it's long since been taped over. :eek:

bear1

Maximus Alexander wrote: »

Hahaha, I didn't have access to the tape! I just hope nobody was actually watching and as a result it's long since been taped over. :eek:

You need to start searching the relevant "adult" websites me thinks
Probably in the amateur section

Maximus Alexander

Ah to be fair it would have been a pretty awful tape. From where the camera was and it being night time you wouldn't have got any of the good stuff.

kylith

youtheman wrote: »

Had a (slightly) similar condom-story. Washing Machine broke down at home. Fancy machine that diagnosed the problem itself (“pump or hose blocked”). Had several attempts myself to solve it myself, but was unsuccessful and had to ring the repair man. Wife was at home when he arrived. He arrived into the kitchen when he was finished. Could hardly contain his laughter “well I found the problem, it was a balloon…” and he proceeded to put the offending article on the bench. Wife looked at it and said “that’s not a balloon, it’s a condom”.
She rang me at work and it dawned on me that I would have to have a ‘difficult conversation’ with my oldest son (19 years old). When I collared him he denied all knowledge. I said to him “this can be a short conversation, and in fact I would respect you for having the cop-on to have protection”. But he still denied it. Then the reality hit me, I would have to have the same conversation with the second lad (16 years old). But he denied it also. Anyway, I eventually got to the bottom of it. The eldest son had been given a ‘packet’ of Jonnies at rag-week in College. Slipped out of his jeans in the wash (well that’s my conclusion anyway, and I’m not even to countenance any other explanation. Head firmly in the sand on this one).

Someone's lying to you. One of them has to have had and open condom in their pocket, otherwise it would have been sealed in its little square pack.

422nd

Now taking bets. My money's on the wife being one of them sperm lovers. Was saving it for brunch, forgot it was in her pocket, went in the wash. The bad news is that all your clothes are now washed in the diluted sperm of another man.

eigrod

kylith wrote: »

Someone's lying to you. One of them has to have had and open condom in their pocket, otherwise it would have been sealed in its little square pack.

Or maybe the 2 boys ARE telling the truth and the other (adult) member of the family needs to be quizzed :eek:

bear1

youtheman wrote: »

Had a (slightly) similar condom-story. Washing Machine broke down at home. Fancy machine that diagnosed the problem itself (“pump or hose blocked”). Had several attempts myself to solve it myself, but was unsuccessful and had to ring the repair man. Wife was at home when he arrived. He arrived into the kitchen when he was finished. Could hardly contain his laughter “well I found the problem, it was a balloon…” and he proceeded to put the offending article on the bench. Wife looked at it and said “that’s not a balloon, it’s a condom”.
She rang me at work and it dawned on me that I would have to have a ‘difficult conversation’ with my oldest son (19 years old). When I collared him he denied all knowledge. I said to him “this can be a short conversation, and in fact I would respect you for having the cop-on to have protection”. But he still denied it. Then the reality hit me, I would have to have the same conversation with the second lad (16 years old). But he denied it also. Anyway, I eventually got to the bottom of it. The eldest son had been given a ‘packet’ of Jonnies at rag-week in College. Slipped out of his jeans in the wash (well that’s my conclusion anyway, and I’m not even to countenance any other explanation. Head firmly in the sand on this one).

I seriously hope that is the case or else I'm afraid there is only one other option

Gannicus

About 3 or 4 years ago I was out with the lads and we were in the Porterhouse having a few brews. We got chatting to these girls and they were pretty well on. I made a quiet exit with one of the girls back to her apartment and we were having a bit of fun and frolicks which took us to the bedroom.

I was going down on her (and from what I good tell doing a really good job of it) she threw her legs over my shoulders as she lay on her back with me at the end of her bed doing the do. Anyway started to arch her back moan. At one stage she arched up pretty high and had her feet on me back. When she dropped back down to the bed she farted right in my face. Not a queef or a bed squeak, a full blown fart. I had me mouth open and me tongue out so I got it in the mouth and between the smell and the taste I nearly puked into her snatch. It was awful.

I lost all will to continue on bar her requests for me to stay and her apologies. I got dressed all the while dry heaving and gagging and left. I went back down to the lads in the porterhouse who where still with the rest of her mates. Needless to say she never came back to the pub and it took every fibre of my being to not to tell them all what happened in case it spoiled the lads chances with any of the other girls. We ended up leaving the pub just the lads and I told them on the way home. It turned out me mate got one of the girls numbers during the night and texted her to tell her what happened me.

Bogwoppit

When I was in uni in England one of my housemates pulled a bird and went back to her place where she was still living with her parents.
He was a fairly big lad and the 2 of them were pretty hammered when I saw them leave the club.

He told me next day that he woke up in the bed with her the next morning and their energetics had caused a structural failure in the bed frame resulting in the mattress now resting on the floor.

This was bad enough and he couldn't decide whether to wake his conquest or to try sneak out unnoticed. Unfortunately his dilemma was answered for him when her father came into the room and woke her up asking whether she had seen the dog when she came in last night (completely ignoring my mate in the bed).

Frantic searching around the house and garden for the dog (small miniature thing) yielded no results until my mate tried to see if he could fix the bed.

Lo and behold, there was the dog, now slightly flatter and a lot quieter than before.

I met her in a pub a few weeks later and she confirmed it was true.

Poor dog

suicide_circus

Bogwoppit wrote: »

When I was in uni in England one of my housemates pulled a bird and went back to her place where she was still living with her parents.
He was a fairly big lad and the 2 of them were pretty hammered when I saw them leave the club.

He told me next day that he woke up in the bed with her the next morning and their energetics had caused a structural failure in the bed frame resulting in the mattress now resting on the floor.

This was bad enough and he couldn't decide whether to wake his conquest or to try sneak out unnoticed. Unfortunately his dilemma was answered for him when her father came into the room and woke her up asking whether she had seen the dog when she came in last night (completely ignoring my mate in the bed).

Frantic searching around the house and garden for the dog (small miniature thing) yielded no results until my mate tried to see if he could fix the bed.

Lo and behold, there was the dog, now slightly flatter and a lot quieter than before.

I met her in a pub a few weeks later and she confirmed it was true.

Poor dog

An urban legend surely

Duggy747

This thread reminds me of the Describe your first sexual experience using MSPaint one, that was hilarious.