Your most embarrassing sex story

suicide_circus

suicide_circus wrote: »

An urban legend surely

Doesn't urban legend involving the dog have someone crapping the bed and blaming it on the dog? Then one of the parents thinks that it's time to have it put down because it's very old and them dumping inside is a sign they are on the way out.

Frank Black

Big Steve wrote: »

About 3 or 4 years ago I was out with the lads and we were in the Porterhouse having a few brews. We got chatting to these girls and they were pretty well on. I made a quiet exit with one of the girls back to her apartment and we were having a bit of fun and frolicks which took us to the bedroom.

I was going down on her (and from what I good tell doing a really good job of it) she threw her legs over my shoulders as she lay on her back with me at the end of her bed doing the do. Anyway started to arch her back moan. At one stage she arched up pretty high and had her feet on me back. When she dropped back down to the bed she farted right in my face. Not a queef or a bed squeak, a full blown fart. I had me mouth open and me tongue out so I got it in the mouth and between the smell and the taste I nearly puked into her snatch. It was awful.

I lost all will to continue on bar her requests for me to stay and her apologies. I got dressed all the while dry heaving and gagging and left. I went back down to the lads in the porterhouse who where still with the rest of her mates. Needless to say she never came back to the pub and it took every fibre of my being to not to tell them all what happened in case it spoiled the lads chances with any of the other girls. We ended up leaving the pub just the lads and I told them on the way home. It turned out me mate got one of the girls numbers during the night and texted her to tell her what happened me.

Obviously a made-up story.
Girls don't fart.

Bogwoppit

suicide_circus wrote: »

An urban legend surely

Definitely not made up, the guy was traumatised for months after.

Gannicus

Frank Black wrote: »

Obviously a made-up story.
Girls don't fart.

Fart, Fairy pop, call it what you want. It smelled like she had a dead animal up her jacksy

Wacker The Attacker

Timmyctc wrote: »

What is your most embarrassing sexual experience? I want all the nitty gritty details.

I heard a story from a friend (so take it with a massive dose of salt) But basically this lad who is now in oz pulled, to put it eloquently, a junkie, in a bar then later, during sex she suggested to insert a knotted rope into his back passage as it would "make the orgasm f***ing fantastic" in her words.

Anyways as he was about to finish the job she pulled the rope out and he shat everywhere, grabbed his clothes and paniced and started apologising only to see the junkie woman rolling around in his defecate. He promptly exited the premises and returned home before (for some unbeknownst to me reason he told the rest of the lads he lived with this story)

Personally my embarrassing experience would be I think when I was 15 an older girl wanted to have sex with me I think I unraveled a condom before trying to put it on. Needless to say I didn't lose my virginity that day.

Why didnt he stick a fist, vegetable or a piece of fruit up his arse like normal people?

Daveysil15

Frank Black wrote: »

Obviously a made-up story.
Girls don't fart.

Only because they don't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. :pac:

Runs for cover.

Strada

The embarrassing moment was with the unfortunate lady I was with one night we both fancied trying the 'jacksie' entrance. It was a first time for both of us. The first entrance was only mind blowing and created a total orgasmic experience for both of us. Well temptation was too much and after the equipment gt blood back into it again we went at it again. There I was banking away nicely lubed when a sudden 'whiff' started to rise. I looked down and the poor woman had dirtied herself and of course my equipment. She was Morto but I didn't mind and felt for her. I treatec her to dinner after and told her to forget it, those things happen.

RobFowl

Strada wrote: »

The embarrassing moment was with the unfortunate lady I was with one night we both fancied trying the 'jacksie' entrance. It was a first time for both of us. The first entrance was only mind blowing and created a total orgasmic experience for both of us. Well temptation was too much and after the equipment gt blood back into it again we went at it again. There I was banking away nicely lubed when a sudden 'whiff' started to rise. I looked down and the poor woman had dirtied herself and of course my equipment. She was Morto but I didn't mind and felt for her. I treatec her to dinner after and told her to forget it, those things happen.

Mmmmm I always love peoples surprise at ****e appearing in the anus ...

MadameGascar

Once upon a time was ridin' away, all the doors open in the house no one else there but the dog, she got wound up with the excitement and just at the very worst possible moment ran into my room & jumped up on the bed between us. Yes, my dog ended up covered in cells. Embarrassing for him and the dog, more hilarious for myself. :pac:

zcorpian88

One time just as we had finished our "intimate moment" I had an abscess on my backside, I don't know what happened but whatever way I moved in bed, the thing bursted or whatever and got a load of blood on the sheets. Once I seen the bed, I felt like melting into the floor...

But then the girlfriend realized her time of the month was due any second so I let her take the blame!

I was staying in her parents house, when the girlfriend came down to wash the sheets the mother taught we slaughtered a lamb in the bedroom!

rawn

zcorpian88 wrote: »

One time just as we had finished our "intimate moment" I had an abscess on my backside, I don't know what happened but whatever way I moved in bed, the thing bursted or whatever and got a load of blood on the sheets. Once I seen the bed, I felt like melting into the floor...

But then the girlfriend realized her time of the month was due any second so I let her take the blame!

I was staying in her parents house, when the girlfriend came down to wash the sheets the mother taught we slaughtered a lamb in the bedroom!

EWW

GreeBo

zcorpian88 wrote: »

One time just as we had finished our "intimate moment" I had an abscess on my backside, I don't know what happened but whatever way I moved in bed, the thing bursted or whatever and got a load of blood on the sheets. Once I seen the bed, I felt like melting into the floor...

But then the girlfriend realized her time of the month was due any second so I let her take the blame!

I was staying in her parents house, when the girlfriend came down to wash the sheets the mother taught we slaughtered a lamb in the bedroom!

riding with an abscess on your arse?
I think not. crying as you sit on an inflatable ring is more likely.

zcorpian88

GreeBo wrote: »

riding with an abscess on your arse?
I think not. crying as you sit on an inflatable ring is more likely.

Funny enough it was never ever painful, just bled the odd time when going to the bathroom, rarely gave me any major trouble except that one night!

minidazzler

Strada wrote: »

The embarrassing moment was with the unfortunate lady I was with one night we both fancied trying the 'jacksie' entrance. It was a first time for both of us. The first entrance was only mind blowing and created a total orgasmic experience for both of us. Well temptation was too much and after the equipment gt blood back into it again we went at it again. There I was banking away nicely lubed when a sudden 'whiff' started to rise. I looked down and the poor woman had dirtied herself and of course my equipment. She was Morto but I didn't mind and felt for her. I treatec her to dinner after and told her to forget it, those things happen.

Porn has really messed with peoples perceptions of Anal. Shit happens is the perfect way to describe it in real life.....

Either enema first, or you're gonna get poop on your willy. Thems the rules with Anal :pac:

bud1970

I was banging this cracking looking, middle aged lady, over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.

She said, "It's my husband! Quick, go through the back door!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers like that every day............

bear1

RobFowl wrote: »

Mmmmm I always love peoples surprise at ****e appearing in the anus ...

BURNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Sunnyisland

RobFowl wrote: »

Mmmmm I always love peoples surprise at ****e appearing in the anus ...

Nice user name

kylith

RobFowl wrote: »

Mmmmm I always love peoples surprise at ****e appearing in the anus ...

Went out with a guy a while ago and we decided to try anal. Afterward he said that he enjoyed but that his willy had been hitting against something. I asked him what he thought it might be up my arse, and he never asked for anal again.

Daveysil15

Strada wrote: »

The embarrassing moment was with the unfortunate lady I was with one night we both fancied trying the 'jacksie' entrance. It was a first time for both of us. The first entrance was only mind blowing and created a total orgasmic experience for both of us. Well temptation was too much and after the equipment gt blood back into it again we went at it again. There I was banking away nicely lubed when a sudden 'whiff' started to rise. I looked down and the poor woman had dirtied herself and of course my equipment. She was Morto but I didn't mind and felt for her. I treatec her to dinner after and told her to forget it, those things happen.

Those fecking bankers. Is there anything they haven't ruined? :mad:

Frosty McSnowballs

kylith wrote: »

Went out with a guy a while ago and we decided to try anal. Afterward he said that he enjoyed but that his willy had been hitting against something. I asked him what he thought it might be up my arse, and he never asked for anal again.

Aw jaysis

Auldloon

Anal's not all it's cracked up to be.

hungry hippo 4

minidazzler wrote: »

Porn has really messed with peoples perceptions of Anal. Shit happens is the perfect way to describe it in real life.....

Either enema first, or you're gonna get poop on your willy. Thems the rules with Anal :pac:

you don't just do anal, it takes preparation

truebluesac

Im in knots reading this thread ........��

Corvo

kylith wrote: »

Went out with a guy a while ago and we decided to try anal. Afterward he said that he enjoyed but that his willy had been hitting against something. I asked him what he thought it might be up my arse, and he never asked for anal again.

Awh leave it ou

Ihatecuddles

hungry hippo 4 wrote: »

you don't just do anal, it takes preparation

No it doesnt, Id say 1 in 100 times it gets messy!!

falan

Was staying at my mates house in the city after a night out...
My designated place to sleep was on the couch in the sitting room that had two entrances, to the kitchen and the hall.

So me and my friend went out and got wasted, he pulled, i didn't so we goes back to his and somewhere along the way we've picked up a few people . He goes to bed with his one and people start to leave...On the couch there is some couple kissing so i head out into the kitchen on my own.

I stayed there till about 7am absolutely freezing my balls off, i tried sleeping at the table, on the floor to no avail in just a t shirt in december...

I started to think of that couch (my bed)...And my hoodie and stuff sitting in the other room with the kissing couple..

I think to myself, its 7am they will surely be asleep or hopefully gone so ill just sneak in and get my hoodie at the very least and maybe crash in the chair...

Opened the door and walked in, the two of them were balls naked in the middle of the floor , candles lit she on top of him going like the clappers...My bag was the other side of the room and i thought i aint leaving without it so just mumbled sorry walked straight through grabbed my bag and a cushion and out the other entrance into the hall and back into the kitchen....

She was so stunned she barely even had time to cover herself...

When my friend got up around 9am, they were gone....He said he had no idea who they were, i thought he knew them, and he thought i knew them...

They must have got an awful shock when i spoiled their night:)

Mint Aero

falan wrote: »

Was staying at my mates house in the city after a night out...
My designated place to sleep was on the couch in the sitting room that had two entrances, to the kitchen and the hall.

So me and my friend went out and got wasted, he pulled, i didn't so we goes back to his and somewhere along the way we've picked up a few people . He goes to bed with his one and people start to leave...On the couch there is some couple kissing so i head out into the kitchen on my own.

I stayed there till about 7am absolutely freezing my balls off, i tried sleeping at the table, on the floor to no avail in just a t shirt in december...

I started to think of that couch (my bed)...And my hoodie and stuff sitting in the other room with the kissing couple..

I think to myself, its 7am they will surely be asleep or hopefully gone so ill just sneak in and get my hoodie at the very least and maybe crash in the chair...

Opened the door and walked in, the two of them were balls naked in the middle of the floor , candles lit she on top of him going like the clappers...My bag was the other side of the room and i thought i aint leaving without it so just mumbled sorry walked straight through grabbed my bag and a cushion and out the other entrance into the hall and back into the kitchen....

She was so stunned she barely even had time to cover herself...

When my friend got up around 9am, they were gone....He said he had no idea who they were, i thought he knew them, and he thought i knew them...

They must have got an awful shock when i spoiled their night:)

Ah now...now, now, now

7am? You knew they were in there....did ya not press your ear against the door first? yer one on top going like the clappers? You didn't hear that?

Ya dirty fecker

Ihatecuddles

Mint Aero wrote: »

Ah now...now, now, now

7am? You knew they were in there....did ya not press your ear against the door first? yer one on top going like the clappers? You didn't hear that?

Ya dirty fecker

It's like you have some mad eye twitch after every sentence.

castletownman

Brought a girl home last night and we retired to the boudoir. Both of us had being out that night so our performances didn't make the Olympic standard or anything. Anyway I was laminating my whoopy stick in the ham wallet but had a piss horn so couldn't.....finish the job so to speak. Kept at it anyway as she seemed to be enjoying it

Went to the bathroom afterwards for a pee. Came back to a bed and started spooning her. A few minutes later in the pitch dark she went under the covers to give me oral pleasure. I was kind of on a high not really noticing how the little man down below was re-acting. Next minute I felt that sensation but shouted "I'm coming, I'm coming" a second too late. "Deposited" the load all around her face and with her not really able to see in the dark, she screams "I'm wet everywhere". Poor girl was morto

Good night nonetheless

DamagedTrax

castletownman wrote: »

"Deposited" the load all around her face

i fail to see the problem here.

ted1

Mint Aero wrote: »

Ah now...now, now, now

7am? You knew they were in there....did ya not press your ear against the door first? yer one on top going like the clappers? You didn't hear that?

Ya dirty fecker

I'd be worried that the two if them were balls naked, sounds like a four ball to me

hungry hippo 4

mauzo! wrote: »

No it doesnt, Id say 1 in 100 times it gets messy!!

Do you just lob it in?

No, No you don't!

Ihatecuddles

hungry hippo 4 wrote: »

Do you just lob it in?

No, No you don't!

Yep!

hungry hippo 4

mauzo! wrote: »

Yep!

she must be a big one haha

Ihatecuddles

hungry hippo 4 wrote: »

she must be a big one haha

I'm the female. Thanks :pac:

Feisar

Pulled out a tampon with my teeth, a face like Dracula the next day.

Shagged a married woman (I didn't know she was married) in the ladies toilet of a hotel at a wedding reception after the residents bar with not a word spoken between us. Just locked eyes and the rest is sordid history.

Kept loosing my erection when trying to put on a condom, cue " it's al riii, you can riode me in the mornin'"

Nicked condoms out of my parents room, they were on hols

Spare room a mess when the parents came home early from hols

Got off a bird, puked, and went back to it

And that's off the top of my head.

Got offered a BJ from a married man. (Declined)

hungry hippo 4

mauzo! wrote: »

I'm the female. Thanks :pac:

ha ha, you must be gaping!

Ihatecuddles

hungry hippo 4 wrote: »

ha ha, you must be gaping!

Brilliant

and no Im not!!

hungry hippo 4

mauzo! wrote: »

Brilliant

and no Im not!!

no lube even?

Ihatecuddles

Feisar wrote: »

Pulled out a tampon with my teeth, a face like Dracula the next day.

:eek: Why?? Were you trying to be sexy?

Ihatecuddles

hungry hippo 4 wrote: »

no lube even?

Ah yeah he'd lube up, only done it once or twice without lube.

hungry hippo 4

mauzo! wrote: »

Ah yeah he'd lube up, only done it once or twice without lube.

lube is preparation!

Ihatecuddles

hungry hippo 4 wrote: »

lube is preparation!

Ah right, when I read preparation I thought you meant like..other stuff.

Carry on!

hungry hippo 4

mauzo! wrote: »

Ah right, when I read preparation I thought you meant like..other stuff.

Carry on!

Like starting with your pinky? haaa

suicide_circus

hungry hippo 4 wrote: »

lube is preparation!

And yet Preparation H is not lube...

Feisar

mauzo! wrote: »

:eek: Why?? Were you trying to be sexy?

Nah, was just heading down south and it was there, to be fair I was full of Guinness. And how the hell was that trying to be sexy!??

Ihatecuddles

Feisar wrote: »

Nah, was just heading down south and it was there, to be fair I was full of Guinness. And how the hell was that trying to be sexy!??

I couldn't think of a reason why anyone would do that, so I figured she was turned on by it or something!

Feisar

mauzo! wrote: »

I couldn't think of a reason why anyone would do that, so I figured she was turned on by it or something!

I'm sorta of the "whatever the funk" type so I was going down on her regardless.

On a side note girls do seem to be turned on by the reckless abandon type approach to sex in my experience.

seenitall

Feisar wrote: »

girls do seem to be turned on by the reckless abandon type approach to sex in my experience.

Really!? :eek: Who woulda thunk it!

Feisar

seenitall wrote: »

Really!? :eek: Who woulda thunk it!

Well at that stage I'm usually running on autopilot and not really thinking at all.