The 'Funny (ha, ha)' side of religion

AstraMonti

silverharp

PopePalpatine

I feel like there's a "goddamn" missing. :pac:

robindch

Pushtrak

Worztron

Worztron

robindch

^^^?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKCmyiljKo0

smacl

^^^^^

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99DhQQ5DxO8

Worztron

Worztron

AstraMonti

Hotblack Desiato

robindch

http://newsthump.com/2017/05/24/donald-trump-and-pope-agree-110bn-arms-deal/

New Thump wrote:

The Vatican has defended signing a huge arms deal with the USA this morning, saying Donald Trump can be 'unexpectedly persuasive' when you're in the same room.

Trump's meeting with Pope Francis was expected to be an opportunity for His Holiness to question the President's policies and methods, leading to his agreeing a purchase including reaper drones and helicopters being regarded as an unexpected outcome. Trump described the deal as a 'huge win' for both America and the Vatican, and he looked forward to the Pope joining military operations against Islamic State within months.

"I'm not sure what happened there, really", Pope Francis said after the meeting. "I went in there intending to take him to task on climate change, the poor, Mexico, building walls, war, redistribution of wealth, the culture of plutocracy inherent in his administration, the rights of women and minorities and the dangers of nepotism. So when I came out wearing a MAGA hat and chanting 'USA! USA! USA!', nobody was more surprised than me."

Consulting a check list of purchases, he added, "Lord knows what I'm going to do with 'forty integrated air missile defence units and one hundred fixed-wing anti-insurgency resolution devices' whatever those may be. Can they be used to deliver food aid packages, do you suppose?"

Donald Trump's next meeting is with the G7 this weekend, where his aides have told them to bring cheque books in readiness.

silverharp

Worztron

magicbastarder

Woman who claimed sheep are ‘sacred’ banned from taking cases

http://www.irishtimes.com/news/crime-and-law/courts/high-court/woman-who-claimed-sheep-are-sacred-banned-from-taking-cases-1.3101921?j=h

AstraMonti

robindch

Lithium93_

Worztron

robindch

The Popemobile used during his visit to Ireland can now be hired for Stags and Hens

http://www.irishexaminer.com/lifestyle/features/the-popemobile-used-during-his-visit-to-ireland-can-now-be-hired-for-stags-and-hens-451686.html

Irish Examiner wrote:

IF you're designing a special vehicle to transport the Pope, you have to think of everything... including a place to store a gun. That was the task handed to Matt O'Brien and John Mulhare for the visit of Pope John Paul II to Ireland in 1979. Matt and John ran OBAM Vehicle Builders and were given the job of designing the Popemobile for the first visit of a pontiff to Ireland 38 years ago.

Among the papal entourage was US Archbishop Pail Marcinkus and Matt recalled: "He carried a gun by his side. He was a tough guy. We had to put in a seat for him with a pocket [for the gun]." That year, it was revealed that the Archbishop, who was President of the Vatican Bank, had been a target for assassination by a far-left Italian terrorist group, the Red Brigades. Three years later, in 1982, Archbishop Marcinkus thwarted an assassination attempt against Pope John Paul II in Fatima, Portugal, when a deranged priest attacked the pontiff with a bayonet. The pocket for a gun was just one aspect of the Popemobile that Matt and John had to introduce for their special papal vehicles.

Now in their eighties, the two men, close friends since they started out in CIE in the late 1940s, recall the exclusive commission which helped put their name on the map.

[...]

They retired early - Matt at 58 and John at 60 - closed down the business and sold off land connected to it. As for the Popemobiles, Ford returned them to OBAM after the visit, instructing the company to scrap them. But Matt and John wanted to preserve an example of their work for Ireland's first ever Papal visit. So one of the Popemobiles still exists today and is on view at the Dublin Wax Museum. It?s for hire for stag parties and hen nights and still contains the original "Pope's Chair."

Hotblack Desiato

Presumably nobody thought to question how a US visitor could legally carry a handgun in Ireland?

Hotblack Desiato

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Presumably nobody thought to question how a US visitor could legally carry a handgun in Ireland?

Like that matters, same with the SS (sorry, secret service) agents

Peregrinus

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

Presumably nobody thought to question how a US visitor could legally carry a handgun in Ireland?

Sovereigns and their entourage have immunity from (among other things) gun control laws. (So do diplomats.)

I suspect the Marcinkus/gun story is a bit of colourful flim-flam, but the pope is generally accompanied at public events by an armed security detail from the Swiss Guard.

smacl

CabanSail

Not sure if this has appeared in this thread before. An oldie but a goodie.

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well-groomed, nicely-dressed couple. The man spoke first:

John: “Hi! I’m John, and this is Mary.”

Mary: “Hi! We’re here to invite you to come kiss Hank’s arse with us.”

Me: “Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who’s Hank, and why would I want to kiss his arse?”

John: “If you kiss Hank’s arse, he’ll give you a million dollars. If you don’t, he’ll kick the **** out of you.”

Me: “What? Is this some sort of shake-down?”

John: “NO! Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank OWNS this town. He can do whatever he wants, and what he wants is to give you a million dollars, but he can’t … unless you kiss his arse.”

Me: “That doesn’t make any sense.”

Mary: “Who are you to question Hank’s gift? Don’t you want a million dollars? Isn’t it worth a little kiss on the arse?”

Me: “Well maybe, if it’s legit, but …”

John: “Then come kiss Hank’s arse with us.”

Me: “Do you kiss Hank’s arse often?”

Mary: “Oh yes, all the time.”

Me: “And has he given YOU a million dollars?”

John: “Well no. You don’t actually get the money until you … leave town.”

Me: “So why don’t you just leave town now?”

Mary: “You can’t leave until Hank tells you to. If you leave early, you don’t get the money, and Hank kicks the **** out of you.”

Me: “Do you know anyone who has kissed Hank’s arse, left town, and gotten the million dollars?”

John: “My mother kissed Hank’s arse for years. She left town last year, and I’m sure she got the money.”

Me: “Haven’t you talked to her since then?”

John: “Oh, no. Hank doesn’t allow that.”

Me: “So what makes you think he’ll actually give you the money, if you’ve never talked to anyone who got the money?”

Mary: “Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you’ll get a raise, maybe you’ll win a small lotto … maybe you’ll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street.”

Me: “What does that have to do with Hank?”

John: “Uh … Hank has certain ‘connections.'”

Me: “I’m sorry, but this sounds like a con game.”

John: “But it’s a million dollars! Can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don’t kiss Hank’s arse, he’ll kick the **** out of you.”

Me: “Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to him, get the details straight from him ….”

Mary: “Nobody sees Hank. Nobody talks to Hank.”

Me: “Then how do you kiss his arse?”

John: “Sometimes we just blow him a kiss and THINK of Hank’s arse. Other times we kiss Karl’s arse, and he passes it on.”

Me: “Who’s Karl?”

Mary: “A friend of ours. He’s the one who taught us all about kissing Hank’s arse. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times.”

Me: “And you just took his word for it when he said there was a “Hank” – that Hank wanted you to kiss his arse – and that Hank would reward you?”

John: “Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here’s a copy; see for yourself.”

FROM THE DESK OF KARL:

1. Kiss Hank’s arse and he’ll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2. Use alcohol in moderation.
3. Kick the **** out of people who aren’t like you.
4. Eat right.
5. Hank dictated this list himself.
6. The moon is made of green cheese.
7. Everything Hank says is right.
8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9. Don’t use alcohol.
10. Eat your weiners on buns, without condiments.
11. Kiss Hank’s arse or he’ll kick the **** out of you.

Me: “This appears to be written on Karl’s letterhead.”

Mary: “Hank didn’t have any paper.”

Me: “I have a hunch that if we checked, we’d find this is Karl’s handwriting.”

John: “Of course! Hank dictated it to Karl.”

Me: “I thought you said no one gets to see Hank.”

Mary: “Not now. But years ago he would talk to SOME people.”

Me: “I thought you said he was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the **** out of people just because they’re different?”

Mary: “It’s what Hank wants, and Hank is always right.”

Me: “How do you figure that?”

Mary: “Item 7 says ‘Everything Hank says is right.’ That’s good enough for me!”

Me: “Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up.”

John: “No way! Item 5 says ‘Hank dictated this list himself.’ Besides, item 2 says ‘Use alcohol in moderation,’ Item 4 says ‘Eat right,’ and item 8 says ‘Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.’ Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true also.”

Me: “But 9 says ‘Don’t use alcohol,’ which doesn’t quite go with item 2, and 6 says ‘The moon is made of green cheese,’ which is just plain wrong.”

John: “There’s no contradiction between 9 and 2; 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you’ve never been to the moon, so you can’t say for sure.”

Me: “Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock.”

Mary: “But they don’t know if the rock came from the earth or from outer space … so it could just as easily be green cheese.”

Me: “Not knowing where the rock came from doesn’t make it cheese.”

John: “Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes. But we know Hank is always right!”

Me: “We do?”

Mary: “Of course we do, Item 7 says so.”

Me: “You’re saying Hank’s always right because the list says so; the list is right because Hank dictated it; and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That’s circular logic. It’s no different from saying ‘Hank is right because he says he’s right.'”

John: “Now you understand! It’s so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank’s way of thinking.”

Me: “But … oh, never mind. What’s the deal with weiners?”

Mary: [She blushes.]

John: “Weiners. In buns. No condiments. It’s Hank’s way. Anything else is wrong.”

Me: “What if I don’t have a bun?”

John: “No bun, no weiner. A weiner without a bun is wrong.”

Me: “No relish? No mustard?”

Mary: [She looks positively stricken.]

John: [Shouting] “THERE’S NO NEED FOR SUCH LANGUAGE! Condiments of any kind are WRONG!”

Me: “So a big pile of sauerkraut with some weiners chopped up in it would be out of the question?”

Mary: [Sticks her fingers in her ears.] “I’m not listening to this!!!! La la la la la la la la …”

John: “That’s disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that!!!”

Me: “But it’s good! I eat it all the time.”

Mary: [She faints.]

John: [He catches Mary.] “Well, if I’d known you were one of THOSE, I wouldn’t have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the **** out of you, I’ll be there, counting my money and laughing, you bunless cut-weinered kraut-eater!!!”

With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off

evolving_doors

Jesus Vs The Surgeon

Worztron

robindch

Real Housewives of ISIS - and the Guardian wrings its hands a little

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHGgv6p7uVI