The 'Funny (ha, ha)' side of religion

robindch · 21-08-2014 10:42am

shruikan2553 wrote: »

Please tell me Im not the only man who thought of making his penis a 3rd class relic?

Third class? Why not first class - behold the manly magnificence that is the Holy Prepuce:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holy_Prepuce

Not that people know where it is though:

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/faithbased/2006/12/fore_shame.html
http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2014/01/29/who-stole-john-paul-s-blood-and-christ-s-foreskin.html

#awkward

smacl · 21-08-2014 12:15pm

shruikan2553 wrote: »

Please tell me Im not the only man who thought of making his penis a 3rd class relic? Despite the weirdness of rubbing it on holy objects being able to tell a woman she'll think its a first class relic when Im done with her is worth it.

Reminds me of this one...

An elderly couple is watching a preacher on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV and the other hand on the part of your body that ails you, and I will heal you." The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television and the other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and the other hand on his groin. With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, I know he's a miracle worker, but today's miracle is healing the sick, not raising the dead."

smacl · 21-08-2014 12:24pm

robindch · 21-08-2014 1:16pm

^^^ Comma fail.

More of this needed.

wp_rathead · 21-08-2014 2:26pm

smacl · 21-08-2014 3:17pm

robindch wrote: »

^^^ Comma fail.

More of this needed.

Erm, apostrophe actually, why's being a contraction of why is. I think you can safely get the grammar Nazis to stand down.

robindch · 21-08-2014 3:36pm

smacl wrote: »

robindch wrote: »

^^^ Comma fail.

Erm, apostrophe actually, [...] I think you can safely get the grammar Nazis to stand down.

Nope, comma fail - there's one missing after "If god did exist". One could also wonder why, in England, somebody's being so crass as to use "ass" in place of the excellent "arse".

Grammar-fetishists will never stand down!

Worztron · 21-08-2014 4:50pm

robindch · 22-08-2014 10:19am

Catholics get noticeably more upset about fetishizing a biscuit than child abuse and reach for the lawyers.

http://www.catholicnewsagency.com/news/black-mass-organizers-face-lawsuit-over-stolen-host-96131/

CNA wrote:

Oklahoma City, Okla., Aug 20, 2014 / 11:05 am (CNA/EWTN News).- Organizers of a satanic black mass slated to take place in Oklahoma City next month face a lawsuit on grounds that the consecrated Host used for the sacrilegious event is stolen. “We are honored to represent Archbishop Coakley in this fight against the desecration of the Blessed Sacrament,” attorney Michael W. Caspino told The National Catholic Register. “The archbishop should be lauded for his courageous stance against the enemies of the Church.” “Our legal theory is very simple,” he continued, “a Consecrated Eucharist belongs to the Church.”

“The Church has exercised dominion and control over the Eucharist for 2000 years. The Satanists procured the Consecrated Host by illicit means, by theft or fraud. We are simply asking the Court to return the stolen property to its rightful owner, the Roman Catholic Church.” The lawsuit was filed in Oklahoma City District Court Aug. 20 on behalf of the local archdiocese by Busch & Caspino. On Sept. 21, a black mass is scheduled to take place at the Oklahoma City Civic Center music hall.

Connected to witchcraft and demonic worship, a black mass is a sacrilegious ceremony structured as a parody of the Catholic Mass. Invoking Satan, the ritual is centered around the desecration of the Eucharist, which is generally done by stealing a consecrated host from a Catholic church and using it in a profane sexual ritual, or defecating and urinating on it. The event organizer Adam Daniels said the purported Eucharistic Host was “mailed to us by (a) friend.” “As far as I know, the host mailed to me is consecrated,” he told the Catholic news site Aleteia Aug. 6.

In July, an official with the city music hall defended the decision, citing the hall’s neutrality policy. She told CNA that as long as no laws were broken during the event itself, the city hall was not concerned with whether laws may be broken in obtaining a consecrated host ahead of time. She said that similar events scheduled in previous years had poor or no attendance. Archbishop Paul Coakley of Oklahoma City has called on the civic center to reconsider hosting the event, which he described as “grievous sacrilege and blasphemy of the first order.”

Black masses, he told CNA in July, revolve around “taking what is most sacred to us as Catholics, and mocking it, desecrating it, in vile, often violent and sexually explicit ways. It's obviously horrendous…what they intend to do with that consecrated Host is offensive beyond description.” Archbishop Coakley and other bishops in nearby dioceses have called for novenas of prayer and fasting to stop the black mass.

A similar event scheduled by Harvard Extension School’s Cultural Studies Club in May was “postponed indefinitely” amid protest among students and the local community.

sbsquarepants · 22-08-2014 10:27am

robindch wrote: »

taking what is most sacred to us as Catholics, and mocking it, desecrating it, in vile, often violent and sexually explicit ways.

Sounds much like what your shower was doing to children arch bishop. At least the Satanists only do it to a fúcking biscuit. Clown!

robindch · 22-08-2014 12:26pm

Worztron · 22-08-2014 12:32pm

smacl · 22-08-2014 2:41pm

Al-Qa’ida To Sue ISIS For Copyright Infringement Love it!

Hotblack Desiato · 22-08-2014 5:52pm

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jQf5jL3a4iU

W123-80's · 22-08-2014 9:40pm

Worztron · 23-08-2014 1:09pm

Kivaro · 24-08-2014 12:43am

Worztron · 24-08-2014 9:51am

Mr. CooL ICE · 24-08-2014 8:59pm

Worztron · 25-08-2014 8:53am

Cabaal · 25-08-2014 3:22pm

Worztron · 26-08-2014 8:59am

Cabaal · 26-08-2014 12:07pm

http://waterfordwhispersnews.com/2014/08/26/holy-water-30-less-holy-than-a-decade-ago-reveal-experts/

A CRACK team of Catholic Church experts have revealed that over the past decade holy water has as much as 30% less holiness in it. The discovery has caused wide spread shock in the Catholic faith and is yet another blow to the Vatican as they try to rehabilitate their damaged image.

“Holy Water, Jesus Juice, A splash of sweet Mary mother of God, whatever you want to call it, we’re down by 30%. The purity of the holy water distributed to churches around the world is on the decline. We don’t know the reason why yet but when your priest blesses that water something has gone awry,” explained chief holy water expert Fr. Johnny Franks.

“What many people fail to realise is that the church exports millions of barrels of holy water directly from the Vatican to churches around the world on a daily basis,” added Fr. Franks.

Local priests interviewed by WWN here in Waterford admitted they suspected for a while that their holy water was weaker than in previous years but were afraid to speak out.

“I knew something was up when I burned a little fella’s head at a christening there recently, I told the parents sure that just happens from time to time, it shows he’s being absolved of the sins and that, sure I didn’t have a ****ing clue what was going on,” Fr. D’Arcy, local priest explained.

The Vatican has acted quickly, in a move completely out of character with how they’ve handled previous scandals, to get to the bottom of the problem. Reports suggest that the Pope has hired leading scientists who seems to have no problem in taking money from believe who dismiss science when it suits them and who also want to know why their water is 30% less holy.

“You’ve got to ask where has that 30% of holiness gone? It’s clearly being siphoned off by some rogue priests,” queried lapsed-Catholic and conspiracy theory enthusiast Ronan Mulhern.

Investigations which are currently underway suggest a cabal of high ranking Catholic Church figures have been adding the missing holiness to their church pensions in the hope that it will stand them in good stead once they ascend to Heaven or descend to Hell depending on their differing degrees of immorality.

While this scandal is damaging it is not the first time holy water’s holiness has been called into question. In 1981 the church was rocked by claims that it was running low on holy water supplies and so was instead using toilet water as a replacement.