Issue with Manager - How to deal

LegacyUser

Hi,

I was asked by the UK/Europe Manager to work on a new project which means working in another country in the sun for a few weeks! My boyfriend who works on another team - The manager mentioned being his manager - has been before and was going too (which is great!), together with the manager.

I worked hard on that project whilst there and continue to do so.

We returned to UK, the manager said that he needed me back later in the month to my boyfriend and not to me. I flew back. The first two weeks there he gave me no indication that I would be returning and talked to my boyfriend about the next visit plans, ignoring me completely whilst I was sitting there. He also asked my boyfriend to book his flights and hotel.

Then one evening, we were going for dinner, he jokingly asked if I wanted to go back and so I joked back in a nice way. He continued to joke that I didn’t want to go etc etc as the wine was drunk… I emphasised that I never said no. I thought this was not the time to talk work and, in hindsight, maybe I should have said this nicely.

After that, all that week, I felt I was being put down in meetings, ignored and undervalued by him. I did get very upset talking about it to boyfriend, and boyfriend did agree that his behaviour was odd/rude towards me but he said that's him all over...

Returned to UK. After a meeting, manager called me back and his head was bowed. He said, all the joking aside, I know I've joked about this, but do you want to fly out again. He said that he found I was really useful over there but that he also felt/noticed that I'd rather have been in the UK. To be fair, the last week I certainly wanted to be back in the UK as I thought he was out of order but before then I was quite happy being there.

What is going on and how do I deal with him on my next visit ? He is quite a high up Manager who I’ve never had to deal with directly until now. I am learning about him slowly but still pretty worried about the next visit....

Thank You.

tatli_lokma

What exactly is the issue?

The manager has acknowledged that his joking about your committment was out of order and has offered you the opportunity to go if you want. He is slightly concerned that you don't want to go - all you have to do is explain that you do want to go but that your demeanour in the last week was due to the joking and impression you got that you were no longer needed on the project and your disappointment at that.

I don't see what the issue is after that - you just need to remember that perhaps spending too much time with managers in a social setting where drink is flowing is probably not a great idea, and whilst you can be sociable, make excuses so as not to end up there later than you need to while others are getting drunk.

amanda10

Thanks for your reply.

I think the issue I have is a manager not being direct with me about this type of issue especially when I've worked extremely hard and long hours to be a part of making this project work. I therefore do not feel I am deserving of this type of treatment by a manager in his position ?

If me coming over was not on the cards to begin with, he should've been a little more tactful about it. He is the manager of the project and would know the resources he needs at this stage or what he may need and If not sure then he should've said that. He went from being rude and ignoring me, to then asking me jokingly a couple of weeks later if I wanted to go over, sober may I add, to then, after the trip, looking sorry for himself and asking me directly then if I wanted to go, taking on board my comments about my hesitation to go. However I didnt mention anything about his demeanour that last week...

The social meal I mentioned was a company meal in the evening with other team members and other teams. The drink was included by the company and I add that I didn't drink much. He did have more and did joke to Others that I didnt want to fly back again to which I emphasised to him and Others that I didn't say No. and left it at that.

I do not feel this situation was dealt with well by him, correct me if I'm wrong ?

Thank you.

tatli_lokma

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill to be honest. You had the opportunity to discuss it with him when he asked if you wanted to return, you didn't raise it with him. You have been offered the chance to return, which you wanted. If you feel he has an awkward demeanour at times, particularly in work situations then you need to learn to deal with that but other than that I honestly don't see this as a big issue

And just because an evening is organised by work doesn't mean you have to stay for the duration. Equally just because you are not drunk doesn't mean you need to stay if others are. Most of the really successful people I know go to such events but will leave early - knowing when to leave so you don't look like a boring **** is a skill that takes time to learn and usually you learn it from a more experienced colleague. My own experience means I usually leave about an hour after the meal, when people are mingling, say goodbye to a few people (not the 'party' ones, and few colleagues who will likely leave shortly after too) and then bow out. That way you stayed longer enough to have some social time and have a laugh but not long enough to be around when it starts to get messy. There have been times when the craic was mighty and it killed me to leave, but I just remind myself that it's a work function, not a night with my mates and that I'll be better served by leaving at the right time.

amanda10

Thanks for your reply.

I'm sorry, It is a big issue for me. This is the first time I've had to deal directly with a manager in his position. I've dealt with him mainly via emails before and face to face he's been fine. One of the issues I have is I'm not sure HOW to deal with him. Yes I agree with you to a degree, I'm going to have to learn and learn fast as I'm leaving uk this weekend to spend another 3 weeks on the project with him and boyfriend/colleague.

I certainly do not want to be in a position again where I'm upset by his behaviour to me and I think that will not happen again as l am learning. To be fair, I strongly believe we all need to be treated fairly in the office. It causes tension in work relationships and i certainly do not want tensions between him and me at this stage and further down the line. To me, it's a red flag.

I'm hoping now, if something else occurs,there will be a chance to sort things out then and there.

The work meal was just a meal on a work night. We had the meal, some conversation was had and also after the meal we chatted for about half an hour and we all left. I couldnt have left earlier.

I appreciate your replies and I'm seeing it from another point of view which I want. I am trying to be fair in all of this.

Mrs OBumble

You're gonna hate this, and some will disagree, but I think either you or your boyfriend needs to get a job in another company where you are not sexually inovolved with anyone.

The manager is most probably awkward about it because you're working directly with your partner - let's face it, next week he wil be the third wheel, even though he's senior to you. He wants you there because you're good at what you do, he doesn't want you because of the romantic involvement.

IMHO, "screwing the crew", yes even just one of them, is far more career limiting in a company than staying too long at work drinks. If your relationship is in any way worth being in, you will always have more loyalty to your partner than to your other colleagues or the company. Even if you are particularly careful to never engage in inappropriate behaviour in a work situation, there is always the possibiility that pillow talk is happening - even if it's not, people will believe that it is. You can just about get away with it if the two of you are in totally separate teams and don't have professional contact. But that's clearly not the case here.

amanda10

Thank you for your reply Mrs OBumble.

When I first read it, I didnt know what to think. Re-reading again, things have started dawning on me.
All the comments made etc during my time away from the UK that I didnt quite understand have started making sense now...

The 'third wheel' you mention, is quite apparent. For a time, I thought it was me that was the third wheel as I went there later
in the project....but no, he definitely feels uncomfortable with us at times. Believe me, it's really important to me that my B/F and I are professional at work and equally outside of work. It's the first time that we have worked closely together but nothing has changed to that effect. Also I always make sure that the manager is involved and centre of attention when we all go out for a meal after work and so does my BF but yes, something isn't quite right...

I have taken this on board and will think more before I go. When I'm out there I'll make sure I deal with situations a little better as well. I'm really glad I've posted as my career and my work relationships with colleagues/managers are important to me.

Thank you.

Irish_Elect_Eng

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

You're gonna hate this, and some will disagree, but I think either you or your boyfriend needs to get a job in another company where you are not sexually inovolved with anyone.

The manager is most probably awkward about it because you're working directly with your partner - let's face it, next week he wil be the third wheel, even though he's senior to you. He wants you there because you're good at what you do, he doesn't want you because of the romantic involvement.

IMHO, "screwing the crew", yes even just one of them, is far more career limiting in a company than staying too long at work drinks. If your relationship is in any way worth being in, you will always have more loyalty to your partner than to your other colleagues or the company. Even if you are particularly careful to never engage in inappropriate behaviour in a work situation, there is always the possibiility that pillow talk is happening - even if it's not, people will believe that it is. You can just about get away with it if the two of you are in totally separate teams and don't have professional contact. But that's clearly not the case here.

+1 Quite Simply a great post.

finisklin

The previous posts are all fair and well made.

I think your self awareness radar in this situation wasn't fully tuned in at the start. You now have a better understanding of what else is at play.

I do think you have good instincts and that the manner in which your manager communicated between the two of you was unprofessional - saying one thing to your other half, not saying anything to you and then discussing it in a social context at a later date.

Trust your instincts and stay professional.