What would you do if an accident left your partner mentally and physically disabled?

creep

It would have to be a nursing home, I wouldn't cope. No point in ruining two peoples lives with it. They would get better care and you can always visit.

COYVB

I don't know what I'd do in that situation, but if it was my wife who had to look after me if there was some sort of tragic accident I'd much rather she moved on with her life. I'd not be the person she married, regardless of what people would say

COYVB

Stained Class wrote: »

1 Not to be mushy or anything, but I love her & we're together till one of us dies(unless she gets fed up with me of course)

it wouldn't be the same person though, in reality

beks101

She's an astounding woman.

It's hard to contemplate really, no-one can possibly know how they'd deal with such an event. The complete turn-around in the terms on which your relationship stands would be jarring - from lover to carer, from partner to 'parent'. How would you deal with those needs that will no longer be met for the rest of your life - not just sexually but mentally, physically, emotionally?

Stained Class

COYVB wrote: »

it wouldn't be the same person though, in reality

True.

But there's many cases where there's partners of people with Dementia/Altizimers etc.

People in their '70s & '80s caring for somebody whose been the rock of their lives for decades, in some cases.

How can you let that go?

COYVB

Stained Class wrote: »

True.

But there's many cases where there's partners of people with Dementia/Altizimers etc.

People in their '70s & '80s caring for somebody whose been the rock of their lives for decades, in some cases.

How can you let that go?

at that age, it'd probably be different. but if i was in a car accident tomorrow and couldn't do anything for myself, i'd be pretty angry with my wife if she was silly enough not to move on

Frito

My honest answer is ambivalence, I am torn between wanting to do it and running for the hills.

Galwayguy35

Some people would adapt to the role of carer, I wouldn't be one of those people, if it happened to any future partner I would put her in a facility where professional people could look after her.

It might not be a popular thing to say but IMO they wouldn't be the same person any more and I wouldn't be able to cope with caring for someones needs 24/7.

Stained Class

COYVB wrote: »

at that age, it'd probably be different. but if i was in a car accident tomorrow and couldn't do anything for myself, i'd be pretty angry with my wife if she was silly enough not to move on

Old cynic that I am, I do believe that love exists.

I'd never abandon my wife ever, no matter what ever happend to her.

That said, I'm no saint. I just believe in doing the right things for the right reasons.

AckwelFoley

Clearly some people in AH have never being in love.

Head and heart are two different things. Love means the heart always wins. For better or worse...

Frito

AckwelFoley wrote: »

Clearly some people in AH have never being in love.

Head and heart are two different things. Love means the heart always wins. For better or worse...

And if worse means you as a carer are so burnt out your loved one is at risk?
Yes, the head and the heart are different, but equally necessary.

Your heart compels you to do it but your head makes sure you're able.

It's a disservice to your loved one to struggle to care for them properly, no matter how much you want to.

If I was discussing it with a partner I'd tell them not to think twice if they wanted to leave, just go for it. Only condition would be that they put me out of my misery first.

Tramps Like Us

To be honest I doubt I could cope with the caring if it was very bad, especially if we had kids, so I'd probably put her in a nursing home and visit every day or something... I wouldnt forget about her and move on or anything.

beks101

AckwelFoley wrote: »

Clearly some people in AH have never being in love.

Head and heart are two different things. Love means the heart always wins. For better or worse...

I think that's unfair. 'Love' is an abstract term that can have a very individual meaning from person to person.

Just because you're in love with someone, and perhaps choose to marry them, does not mean you can 'see' everything that's ahead for you as a couple, or have a full understanding of your own personal limitations - which may be pushed beyond what is bearable for you because of unfavourable circumstances.

Love usually gives you a positive perception of your own reality - but it can't change your reality. To some people, losing so much of what was familiar about their loved one, in addition to the practical implications on their quality of life etc, is a challenge too far.

I don't think we can really judge one another on something so complex. People will always love and will cope differently.

COYVB

Stained Class wrote: »

Old cynic that I am, I do believe that love exists.

I'd never abandon my wife ever, no matter what ever happend to her.

That said, I'm no saint. I just believe in doing the right things for the right reasons.

you wouldn't be abandoning your wife though, you'd be abandoning a shell that used to be your wife

AlanS181824

I can't look through this thread anymore, some of the answers are just...

Vicar in a tutu

I would do it.. the thoughts of being without him ..jayzuzzzz

Galwayguy35

AlanS181824 wrote: »

I can't look through this thread anymore, some of the answers are just...

Would you like to elaborate?

Chattastrophe!

AckwelFoley wrote: »

Clearly some people in AH have never being in love.

Head and heart are two different things. Love means the heart always wins. For better or worse...

Yes, but as far as I'm concerned, if someone is that badly mentally disabled, the person you knew and were in love with is basically dead, and I'd be grieving the loss of the person I used to know. And the relationship is over, so no, I certainly wouldn't be marrying them.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't be so heartless as to just abandon them. I'd do what I had to to make sure they were as happy and as comfortable as possible, and getting the best possible care for the rest of their lives.

But I think you'd only be kidding yourself to pretend you still have a two-sided relationship. Sure, you might still love the person unconditionally - but I think it would definitely change from a romantic relationship to a parent-child relationship.

Purely physical disability is different, and I don't think that in itself would make any difference to how I felt about a person. (Having said that, serious physical disability will certainly change a person a lot - and have a huge effect on the relationship - so I think it's impossible to say until you're in that situation. E.g. if I was the one disabled, and I was totally reliant on others' assistance, I would most likely insist on ending the relationship myself.)

Horrible situation to be in. I can imagine the "surviving" partner would be stigmatised by society to some extent if they ended the relationship and moved on with their life - even if it's what their partner would have wanted for them.

looking_around

look after them

My partner has a neck injury that could potentially fuck him bad in the future.
Kind of already prepared for the risk.

Sure, it worries me. And no one wants that. But I'd still be sticking around. I've had to look after family before, so it's not something I'm naive about, I know what it evolves and..yeah..I couldn't abandon him to be looked after by someone else.

In saying that, I fully understand that others don't feel the same way, cannot give up their life like that, find it too depressing/difficult etc etc.
It's one of those things, though, that you can't really say how you'd handle it, til you're thrown into that situation.

Cee-Jay-Cee

I think if I were in the exact same situation I would have left.

They were only together for a year before the accident and were not married. He wouldn't be aware that she had left him and so it would be easier to do. I didn't read the article so I don't know what family he has but I'm sure he has some and it should be their responsibility to look after him or have him looked after. I don't think it's fair that it's being entirely left to her to do.

I think she is being a bit of a martyr but it's her own choice and so a very selfless one.

Soft Falling Rain

There's a couple I know where the husband had a pretty serious stroke (which left him wheelchair bound) when their kids where just toddlers. She became his full time carer and reared a pretty great family at the same time.

You might say "well, she had no choice but to stay really" but he wanted to go into a care home, as he felt he was burdening his wife. She would not have that, and I've never once heard her complain, look for sympathy or act the martyr.

I'm not saying everyone should have to feel they should do the same as this woman, I'm just saying that this woman gave up a lot of things in life and made a lot of sacrifices, simply because she loved her husband. If nothing else, such people deserve massive respect, and not for their deeds to be dismissed as "martyrdom".

The very suggestion that someone would become a full time carer and take everything that goes with it just for the sake of sympathy is quite absurd to be honest.

The Big Smoke

You'd have to be one heartless, cruel human being to leave your partner purely on a disability. If you truly loved the person you would do anything for them.

On the flip side I would insist my partner fulfil her needs if I am unable to.

Penny Lane

It's a very tough question. I definitely don't think I'd stick around for a mental disability - he'd be gone like, wouldn't be the person I loved. As it happens my husband is dead - would I rather he was here and severely disabled to the extent that he couldn't communciate? Absolutely not. And we had always said if one of us did lose our minds the other would help to euthanise.

Watching the videos on this I am stunned that she stuck by him. They were dating for 10 months - she's very religious and obviously has great faith. I couldn't do it so respect to her.

osarusan

My wife's cousin had an accident about 5 years ago. Fell down while drunk and had some kind of haemorrhage. He had a wife and two young girls, abou 7 and 4.

His wife looked after him for a while, but once the doctors told her he would always need care - he'd never fully recover and be able to work again, etc., she decided to divorce him.

He has never seen his kids since. I can't decide if she was terribly cowardly or very brave.

(The rest of his side of the family had no trouble making up their mind though)

cloudatlas

I agree she's a lovely woman. I'm still struck by the fact that a judge allowed the marriage to go forward even though the guy can't consent. I know they were engaged before but it still doesn't seem right to me. Does it have any meaning for the guy?