Friday Funnies

MonkieSocks

At a Southern revival meeting, the Evangelist calls upon the audience for volunteers for a faith healing.

Two people come up on stage, a middle-aged man and an old woman on crutches.

"My name is Smith" says the woman, "and I've been paralysed from the waist down for years."

"My name ith Jonths" says the man, "and I've thpoken wif dis tewwibwe lithp thince I wath a widdel boy."

The Evangelist tells them both to go behind a screen while he and the audience pray for their full recovery.

He goes on and on, thumping the Bible and calling on Jesus, until the crowd has been worked into a religious frenzy.

"Now, then, Mrs Smith!" he bellows. "Throw away your right crutch!"

The crowd gasps in astonishment as the crutch comes sailing over the screen and onto the stage.

"Now, then, Mrs Smith! Throw away your left crutch!"

The left crutch comes sailing through the air as the crowd goes wild.



"Now, then, Mr Jones! Say something!"

Jones speaks from behind the screen:







"Mitthuth Smith juth fell on her ath!"

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One day, a highway patrolman pulled a car over for excessive speed.

When the officer asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and juggler and was on his way to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.

The patrolman told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and couldn't do it himself—if the driver would do a little juggling for him, the patrolman promised not to give him a ticket.

The juggler told him he had sent all his equipment to the venue ahead of him and didn't have anything to juggle.

The patrolman said he had some flares in the trunk of his car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler said he could, so the patrolman got three flares, lit them, and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his act with the lit flares, a car pulled up behind the patrol car.

A drunk got out, looked at the show, then went to the patrol car, opened the back door and got in.

The patrolman saw him do this and went over to his car, opened the rear door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk started crying and replied,

"Just go on and take me to jail.

There's no way in the world that I can pass that test."

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It's Stalinist Russia.

Two policemen are standing on a street corner in Moscow fifteen minutes before midnight.

A civilian runs by and one of the policemen shoots him.

"What'd you do that for?" the other cop protests.

"He had another fifteen minutes to get home before curfew."

The first cop shrugs. "I know where he lives. He never would've made it."

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A piano bar is advertising for a new pianist.

A man walks in and says he is interested in the job.

"Fine" says the owner, "let's hear you play."

The man proceeds to play a delightful bouncy tune the owner has never heard before, but which he cannot stop himself tapping his foot to.

When the man is done the owner says

"That was amazing!

I don't recognize that tune, who wrote it?"

"I did!"

"Amazing! What's it called?"

"That one is "Your tits look so nice bouncing up and down while I fook you!"

"Oh dear" says the owner "nice tune but we can't tell people its name.

Do you have any others?"

The man proceeds to play a beautiful melancholy song which quickly has the owner tearing up.

He is transported by the music and finds himself crying nearly uncontrollably at the emotions the music engenders in him.

Wiping a tear away, he asks "And what is that one called?"

"That one is "When I fook you doggy style I remember that the sun will rise tomorrow!""

Distressed, the owner hires the pianist with one caveat- he is never allowed to tell anyone the names of his songs.

Weeks go by and the piano bar fills with customers, all in turns moved to laughter and tears by the wonderful playing.

One night a female customer is overcome with passion from listening to the man play.

"I want," she whispers lustily, "to give you a small return for the pleasure you have brought into my life. I will give you the best blow job you have ever had."

So at the end of his first set the man leads the enthralled fan upstairs to the broom closet, where she undoes his belt and proceeds to take him in her mouth and tenderly and lovingly try to give him a blow-job to match the beauty of the music she has heard.

Meanwhile, downstairs, the crowd is growing restless.

Unaccustomed to being denied the talents of the pianist for such a length of time, the usual reverie of the crowd turns to anger.

Seeing that things are quickly going south, the owner rushes upstairs and starts banging on the closet door.

The pianist let’s himself go, finishing the act, then hastily exists the broom closet to be led downstairs.

As they rush downstairs, the owner notices that the pianist is in total disarray below the belt.

"Hey" he says, "do you know your fly is down, your dick is out, and you've got jizz on your pants?"



"Know it??

I Fooking WROTE it!!"