Child not happy going to see father

sept09baby

Myself and my ex were in court earlier this year. We had already agreed on access and put the proposition to the judge and it was all formalised. There are other outstanding issues with the ex that are going to get messy but access was never an problem.

The issue is that over the past few months my son has been kicking up a fuss when going. Sometimes he's ok but a lot of the time I have to bribe/convince him to go with his dad. He's young enough at the moment that this is working but what happens when he gets a little bit older and flat out refuses to go?

I don't want to defy the order that was agreed in court but don't want to put stress on my son either. I don't want him associating time with his dad as a bad thing - I think it should be something he looks forward to.

desbrook

Can I ask what age is he and what is his chief complaint about going to see his dad ?

sept09baby

He's only 4. Sometimes he goes without a fuss but more often or not he says he wants to stay at home/dad's is boring/wants to go to his nana (my mother)/he hates it there.

It's getting harder and harder to convince him to go. Once he was so hysterical he wrapped himself around the leg of the kitchen table and had to be physically removed. Usually I can calm him down about going by promising him we'll do something nice when he gets back. I think at first it was a bit of a novelty seeing his dad's new place and the toys he had for him there but the novelty has worn off.

His father is aware of this - sees him crying when he collects him but doesn't do anything to make things better. Just tells him he doesn't have a choice and he has to go. His father doesn't ever do anything with him. Just puts on DVDs and lets him play with his toys. There's a playground 2 minutes walk away and he doesn't even bring him there. I've tried talking to my ex about it but he just shrugs and says he's fine.

I just hate that it's turning in to a negative experience for him

Taltos

OP if you want this moved to parenting please let us know, might be more suitable there.

Taltos

sept09baby

If you think it's more suitable that would be great thanks

wandatowell

Very surprised that this man who has very limited access to his kid is happy to sit the young fella in front of the tv for the duration of their time together.


Shocking parenting (from him) imo

sept09baby

It's always been an issue - even when we were together.

I was thinking (hoping) that after we split he would become more involved/active with our son when I wouldn't be there to do it. He sees him as often as he wants, currently twice a week. It's as if he thinks the act of taking him is being a good parent and he doesn't have to bother with anything else.

At this stage I don't think he'll change. I've tried talking to him and he takes no notice. Things are very messy in all other areas. He hasn't taken the break up well or really moved on with his life but access was the one thing that was never a problem - I don't want it turning in to one now as well as everything else!

Just don't know what's best to do for my son going forward. I can see it's becoming more of a problem as time passes. I don't want to have to force him to go with his father but want him to have his father in his life.

100200 shih

I had this with my two for a couple of years , the courts said that the kids had to go and tell their dad that they didn't want to stay ( it was supervise visit ), very messy, the courts wont listen to kids under 11 about what they want.

before anyone try to suggest the courts fair , I have been thro the family courts for 7 years , and now only seeing the light of end of said tunnel and the only reason why were not in court anymore is because my 2 kids are old enough to tell the Judge what they want.( legal aid been abuse in this country )

Taltos

Moved from S&D.
For anyone who has followed this thread across can I please ask you to read the charter her before posting.

Thanks and best of luck OP.
Taltos

sept09baby

100200 shih wrote: »

I had this with my two for a couple of years , the courts said that the kids had to go and tell their dad that they didn't want to stay ( it was supervise visit ), very messy, the courts wont listen to kids under 11 about what they want.

before anyone try to suggest the courts fair , I have been thro the family courts for 7 years , and now only seeing the light of end of said tunnel and the only reason why were not in court anymore is because my 2 kids are old enough to tell the Judge what they want.( legal aid been abuse in this country )

That's what I'm trying to avoid. I don't want him to get to the stage where it's like this. Just wondering if there's anything I can do to make it a more enjoyable thing for him or even just less stressful.

jellyboy

Hi op

Does your son pick up on your negative feeling and thought pattern towards his father? does he be around people that think ,speak positive of his dad?
What is the message that he hears about his dad?

I was thinking (hoping) that after we split he would become more involved/active with our son when I wouldn't be there to do it. He sees him as often as he wants, currently twice a week. It's as if he thinks the act of taking him is being a good parent and he doesn't have to bother with anything else.

this reads as your trying or hoping to change him,thinking or being there for him says that on some level theres an emotial attachment..its not up to you to tell him how to parent , in a realship its a team effort ,singular he has to discover what mistakes and doing the right thing is

At this stage I don't think he'll change. I've tried talking to him and he takes no notice. Things are very messy in all other areas. He hasn't taken the break up well or really moved on with his life but access was the one thing that was never a problem - I don't want it turning in to one now as well as everything else!

on some level you are making it into a problem ,maybe in your view he isn't a good parent ,and only you can parent son..maybe anything he does is wrong ? its not for you to assume that he will never change ,thats a fairly big assumption,and reinforces the idea that he isn't a good dad ..

Just don't know what's best to do for my son going forward. I can see it's becoming more of a problem as time passes. I don't want to have to force him to go with his father but want him to have his father in his life.

but you are doing all off the above ,you are bribing him to go with his dad that action alone says a lot about creating problems in the future ,and maybe is being used by the child to get what he wants? ,very soon the stakes will get higher ,i won't go to dad unless i get this toy or get a day out here etc etc
I'm sure that barnados can give some help in this area and guide you

..from your post theres a lot of thinking in the future being done ,and it reads negative .i would suggest that maybe some of the work that could be done would be with you ,and removing the negative view you have of the future surrounding your ex partners parenting skills? remember that there is no one book wrote on parenting

good luck op ,

wmpdd3

In my experience, this is a phase that kids at that age that are being co parented go through.

Does he go for one night or two? I think after the whole week they need a bit of down time too and feel they are missing out on this with you. Also at this age they probably only have playmates with their week day parent and none with their weekend one.

They also seem to feel like they have no control over the situation.

I get the bribing, you feel you have to make this arrangement work, you have no choice, your kids probably is picking this up.

I know it must be heartbreaking to see your child in so much distress and if it wa anything else causing this you would just say, enough, this is not happening. But just like you have a right to put your foot down when something must be done during the week, your childs father has a right to put his foot down and take him for the weekend.

The best you can do is try adopt a positive attitude to the situation, is there something that the dad could do with the child that can only happen on the day he has him, like football or swimming or GAA, could you ask him to consider doing something like this with him. Also I'd say try preparing him for the move earlier in the week, mentioning packing his bag etc, they you can talk about any bad feelings he has about it, but not when your are under pressure to get him into the other car.

Most of my friends are out the other side and have teenagers that have made their own of the situation, but they all went through the same feelings.

At the end of the day, the child must make peace with their own situation, once he knows both parents love him, he will get through anything.