is it really that hard to find a good au pair

purplecat

we are on our 4th au pair.
when she started we gave her a book full of house rules incl. looking after the kids.
recently things have started to turn really sour. somethings within the house and others that make us worry about her safety.
one of the rules in the list was we buy all the food and it's treated as the whole families and is shared. shes been bringing food to her room most of the time asking first. but recently my husband had to go shopping and asked the au pair to come as she had mentioned before that she needed items. but anyway she threw a good few things in the trolley and my husband innocently told her not to bring one particular item into her room as we'd all use it. she had a sour face after that, so when my husband asked her what was wrong she questioned him on why he mentioned food in the bedroom. so when he got home after paying for all the items, she picks up a couple of packets of food ( all same) and was picking another packet saying she wanted to bring them all to her room. my husband told her no they were for the family as well. she expects 2 dinners a day even though she calls one a lunch even though it is a dinner.
another night i was talking to her, she said she was tired and was going to bed. about 3 hours later my husband arrived home. she had been on the net for all that time. you could say shes never off the net. shes on the net till 1-2 am every night then up around 8ish.
in the last while shes put her safety at risk, and been conned. we were hoping to go away and had asked her would she mind looking after them for a night, but after the two things mentioned above we're actually afraid to leave her alone at night time with them now.
we have bent over backwards for this girl but we're lucky if we get a thank you. at this stage it's stressing us out. for the last couple of weekends all we've done is argue and fight re. the au pair. i had to ask the hubby last night not the fight this weekend.
again i say recently it's all turned sour.
any advice anyone?

average_runner

purplecat wrote: »

we are on our 4th au pair.
when she started we gave her a book full of house rules incl. looking after the kids.
recently things have started to turn really sour. somethings within the house and others that make us worry about her safety.
one of the rules in the list was we buy all the food and it's treated as the whole families and is shared. shes been bringing food to her room most of the time asking first. but recently my husband had to go shopping and asked the au pair to come as she had mentioned before that she needed items. but anyway she threw a good few things in the trolley and my husband innocently told her not to bring one particular item into her room as we'd all use it. she had a sour face after that, so when my husband asked her what was wrong she questioned him on why he mentioned food in the bedroom. so when he got home after paying for all the items, she picks up a couple of packets of food ( all same) and was picking another packet saying she wanted to bring them all to her room. my husband told her no they were for the family as well. she expects 2 dinners a day even though she calls one a lunch even though it is a dinner.
another night i was talking to her, she said she was tired and was going to bed. about 3 hours later my husband arrived home. she had been on the net for all that time. you could say shes never off the net. shes on the net till 1-2 am every night then up around 8ish.
in the last while shes put her safety at risk, and been conned. we were hoping to go away and had asked her would she mind looking after them for a night, but after the two things mentioned above we're actually afraid to leave her alone at night time with them now.
we have bent over backwards for this girl but we're lucky if we get a thank you. at this stage it's stressing us out. for the last couple of weekends all we've done is argue and fight re. the au pair. i had to ask the hubby last night not the fight this weekend.
again i say recently it's all turned sour.
any advice anyone?

What's the harm with her going to her room and using the internet for 3 hours unless something bad she is doing?

Did ye agree to supply here with the food she needed at the start? If so there is no harm in her bringing it to her room, if not enough to share, just buy more.

Safety issue, well thats where I would worry

purplecat

average_runner wrote: »

What's the harm with her going to her room and using the internet for 3 hours unless something bad she is doing?

when shes not with us shes always on the net. some days it's 6,7,8 hours a day. most of the weekends is spent on the net. sometimes i would have to text her around 1am ish to keep the noise down as we're all trying to sleep.

average_runner wrote: »

Did ye agree to supply here with the food she needed at the start? If so there is no harm in her bringing it to her room, if not enough to share, just buy more.

yes for food but we also said it's for the whole family.most of the food is luxury items.. the more we buy the more we have to keep buying.it's got to the stage most of the time my husband goes with out dinners. to put it another way we're making 5-7 dinners a day.
a perfect example of what i'm talking about is a while back we bought chocolate spread, a couple of jars. the au pair brought one to her room, the other was for the kids which she was told. within a day or so she would come down and eat the kids one.

Moonbeam

I would make a no food in the bedroom rule.
SHe might be really lonely especially as there is conflict there and talking to her friends online.
Does she do many hours a week for you? does she just help or does she have the kids on her own?

lazygal

Maybe you need a different form of childcare.


Sorry, but moaning about chocolate spread isn't really making you sound like you're that interested in the au pair experience, more that it's a cheap form of childcare. And why would you text her when she's in the house, that's a very odd way to communicate.

carolinespring

I don't see what the issue is...

She wants to take snacks into her room and go on her laptop...so what???

What is the safety issue you are talking about? As lazygal said I think you need to revisit your childcare options. Au pairs should not be treated as a cheap childcare option.

I suggest you allow a extra 20/30 euros a week for her to pick snacks she would like to get. What do you mean she expects 2 dinners a day. Do you mean she is eating a main meal twice a day. A lot of Spanish and Italians do. Again I don't see why this would be a issue. Its a few extra chicken fillets, chops or whatever.

Paranoid Mandroid

edit: I'm deleting my message cause it wasn't very helpful.

2xj3hplqgsbkym

You don't mention how she actually is at her job, i.e. helping you mind your children. This should be your main concern.

Without knowing any details about the safety issue you mentioned, it seems like you are nit picking, about her eating too much and using the internet too much.

It sounds like she and you are both unhappy.

Perhaps as others suggested an au pair is not for you. I know I personally couldn't handle someone else living with me and my family. I could never fully relax and little things would annoy me, this seems to be the case with you also.
Perhaps you should consider a childminder or a live out au pair.

lazygal

Should an au pair be providing overnight care anyway? I was under the impression they're here to brush up on the English, babysit a few days/evenings and go to language classes.

purplecat

lazygal wrote: »

And why would you text her when she's in the house, that's a very odd way to communicate.

theres been a couple of times where she was almost shouting using some communication device at all hours of the night/morning. we did mention it a few times but other than knocking on her door the only way of letting her know was by yext

George Raspy Manure wrote: »

You don't mention how she actually is at her job, i.e. helping you mind your children. This should be your main concern.

she is fantastic with the kids and the kids love her. that we wont deny.

lazygal wrote: »

Should an au pair be providing overnight care anyway? I was under the impression they're here to brush up on the English, babysit a few days/evenings and go to language classes.

we asked her would she mind watching them one night. she did have choice in saying no and it was made quite clear to her if she didn't feel comfortable she could say no.
there are many questions here which i am unwilling to answer in the open.

lazygal

The overnight thing, I don't think I'd leave my children overnight with someone I didn't trust. As I said, I understand au pairs provide childcare for up 30 hours or so a week and go to language classes. Is it legal to have her provide overnight childcare?


You've had other au pairs, how did you deal with difficulties? Are you relying on this person for childcare or are you treating her as one of the family?

purplecat

lazygal wrote: »

The overnight thing, I don't think I'd leave my children overnight with someone I didn't trust. As I said, I understand au pairs provide childcare for up 30 hours or so a week and go to language classes.

hours tend to vary for au pairs. there are only guidelines, no set rules. hence different organisations calling for stricter controls.

lazygal wrote: »

Are you relying on this person for childcare or are you treating her as one of the family?

she has always been treated more as family than an au pair. this has been said to her many times.

Borboletinha

She's fantastic with the kids and they love her? Sounds like a good au pair to me. She's barely making any money why not let her have an extra jar of nutella, or an extra chicken breast??
I was an au pair myself several years ago in America and I can't praise the family
enough for being so generous with me. In my opinion working 30+ hours for little more than 100 euros a week and not even being able to eat as much as you like is exploitation. Now I don't mean to offend but I have been in her position and it's hard work and a lot of responsibility looking after someone elses children.

Moonbeam

Ok,
The background of what happened here has been explained to me and I do not think that this thread is going to help the op at all.
So I am going to close it.