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Feedback on this?

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  • 28-11-2013 10:38am
    #1
    fredchest
    Registered Users Posts: 46 ✭


    Hi,
    Anybody like to share feedback on this? What are its weaknesses? I'm really new to this, so not sure, i could be way out!
    thanks!

    1st Verse

    Sometimes I feel I'm On the Ground
    With My head in the steps I hear them Loud
    The dust n Grime in my eyes feels like a Broken Lens.
    I just wish you were here now in my view to Fend
    Your'e getting closer now.


    Pre-Chorus

    Trying to move ahead
    Trying to Save What I Said
    Trying to have you instead
    Just Once…

    Chorus

    What can I do to Ease the Fall
    Just to Feel Someone Once More
    You Say my Life is the Cause.
    But Every day feels like a chore

    What Can, I do? Can I do
    What Can I do? Can I do
    What Can I do? Can I do
    Just to, Feel You Once More

    2nd Verse

    Looking Through the Wilting Blinds
    Finding a glow that stirs the Life..
    I Feel I'm no Longer glued to the Past
    Now I Know it was one Drawn out Act.

    Pre-Chorus

    Trying to move ahead
    Trying to Save What I Said
    Trying to have you instead
    Just Once…



    Chorus

    What can I do Ease the Fall
    Just to Feel Someone Once More
    You Say my Life is the Cause.
    But Every day feels like a chore

    What Can, I do? Can I do
    What Can I do? Can I do
    What Can I do? Can I do
    So that we can feel each other once more


    Bridge

    Did you know it wasn't always like this?
    There was a Time when I knew my own Niche..
    a place where time was on my side,
    Where I never Cried.

    What Can, I do? I do
    What Can I do? I do
    What Can I do? I do
    Just to, Feel You One Last Time


Comments

  • Options
    #2
    musicvine
    Registered Users Posts: 33 ✭musicvine


    Strengths: It has lyrical substance and gift. Maybe, but only maybe, a few words here and there rushed in before any surprise prose of the writer fully surfaced and that's often the best way to let the natural flow of a creative work speak anyway. We often see or hear the deeper thoughts or words emerge when we give ourselves some space with silence to draw from our creative well. See PM re 'a few words here and there'. The suggestion (and it's only a suggestion) will not affect your copyright on the above.


  • Options
    #3
    fredchest
    Registered Users Posts: 46 ✭fredchest


    Hi,
    I pm'd you. Sorry for delay


  • Options
    #4
    musicvine
    Registered Users Posts: 33 ✭musicvine


    No hurry. I'm not on daily so perfectly fine. Got PM. Thank you.


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