My wife is dying

Ken.

Mod- I'm sorry that this has to happen but given the high level of trolls around AH I have to lock this till we can confirm that the op is the op(If you get me).

This thread is what makes me proud to be a mod and proud of the members of AH. There are people here who wouldn't piss on each other if on fire but everyone put that sh!t aside to pull together for Play To kill and I'd hate for it to be sullied.

Will reopen as soon as possible.

Ken.

Mod- The op is the op. Reopened. My apologies for the delay.

Henry Ford III

After darkness comes the light.

I hope the pain of your loss lessens and eventually is replaced by happier memories OP.

Stay busy, but not too busy. There are plenty of really good people out there who will listen, and understand. They'll encourage you.

Best of luck.

NSAman

Youstarted this thread when my own family were going through hard times with my father. I have followed this thread from day one. I suppose in many ways, your bravery at starting it was a lead to which lead many people (especially my own family) into what we were and have experienced also.

This guilt associated with a loved one dying is something we went through with our mother. Even today, five years later, she beats herself up over something silly she said out of exhaustion the day my father died. This woman looked after him for years and I mean everything, washing, changing, shaving, turning, being his complete partner and carer. She loved him and it was obvious he loved her.

The day he passed he was agitated and she was absolutely exhausted. She asked him to quieten. That silly thing has haunted her ever since. She could have done nothing more for him, yet she beats herself up in so many ways about this silly thing.

We have all talked and cried and explain this to her. She just wanted him to be there still and thinks she caused him to die. She misses him immensely even still (as we all do). The thing is, she was a superhero for him, for all of us. No one could have done as much as this woman did for her man.

Almost 6 years later, after many many tearful discussions with all of us, she still has this guilt which we understand will always be there for her. Its irrational for us as we know what she did. To her it is real, it’s called love.

Your posts have really hit home with me personally. They have expressed a deep unspoken loss which is real for all who go through the loss of a partner. While some of us have not been through this we cannot understand this, but we can observe and experience only. My mother put it “ you lost your father, I lost my life, my partner, my best friend”.

Talking with support of those who love you is the only way to open up and deal with this.

Believe me when I say, you are braver than you know. This is so personal, so raw, that discussing it, has been to me, an honour. Your wife chose well. It is obvious that you loved her.

I cannot solve this issue, and don’t want to sound condescending, but please be good to yourself. You did nothing wrong and just wanted the best for her.

sparksfly

This thread has brought out the best in people. Sometimes AH topics can envoke comments of a self-righteous, bitter, and insulting nature but when a fellow boardsie needs some support, people show their true colours. I hope the OP has felt lifted by these wonderful unknown and unseen individuals who have shown genuine concern and affinity.

Dalomanakora

I've also followed this thread from the beginning on a different account.


You never wished death upon your wife. It's so, so clear how much you loved and still love her.


You wished for an end to her pain, and unfortunately the only way for that to happen was for her to leave this world.


That doesn't for a second mean you wished she'd die. Just like when she asked you to kill her, she didn't want to die. She wanted the pain to end and that was the only way.


You're a brave, strong man. Your wife knew how much you loved her, even us reading this thread can feel the love in your writing.


You never wished death upon her. You wished for an end to her pain, and unfortunately that meant her passing.


Be gentle to yourself. X

commuterbelt

Dear Northam... Ive only come upon this thread this week. I dont normally post here. 4 yrs ago my wife died in a hospice after several years with cancer... I feel blessed that she died peacefully minded, without pain.. & yet because the awesome intellect Id known for 17 years was already gone I lay beside her & told her to let go...that her work here was done & that her young son, myself & everyone that loved & would miss her gave her permission not to hang on to a life that was not the vibrant fulfilled one she had known... to wish someone that you love to go from this life.. to end their pain, is a gesture of unconditional love....I hope its not presumptuous to say so, but in your wife's last consciousness she would have felt this... people who mean well may tell you what they think or what they think they want you to hear but its your grief, your loss so take what works & ignore what does'nt... but as others have wisely said here .. reach out to people.... to professionals or to others who knew & loved your wife... there will be others who maybe are waiting for permission from you to reminisce & celebrate her life. seek them out. Tomorrow my young son & I will lay a flagstone at the spot where we scattered my wife's ashes in 2015 ... having ignored conventions of marking a grave a year after a death etc. I'm unable to post link but if you & other kind people on this thread google "grief waves old man" you will find a sentiment that might (as it did for me) capture well the process of grieving. We'll be thinking of you in the morning when we lay our flagstone ....

SirChenjin

Sir Oxman wrote: »

I wished the same when my mother was on her deathbed.
She had battled cancer for 6 years and when she was finally taken into the hospice she was expected to last barely a few days.
Two months later she passed away - at the final stages I remember whispering to her when she was in a coma to just let go.

I can look back and remember that without any feelings of guilt now
I did replay it over in my mind in the aftermath but eventually my mind made peace with it.
Where such wishes comes from for me, you and every decent human is only ever from a good place.

If this is still crippling you, then please see a professional.

But remember, that wish only ever came from a good and decent place.

+1 to this. I am not religious at all but found myself some years ago praying for a family member to die. Someone suffering so much and for whom there was no hope of recovery.
Looking back, I feel privileged - for want of a better word - to have been with them in their final hours.

OP, I want to just give you a very gentle hug and wish you well. Mind yourself. You have been through so much. There are people who can help, be they family, friends or professionals.
I remember your thread from the first time around. Heartbreaking.