My wife hoards things

Iderown

That just about says it. Her habit has become worse lately. There are now two bedrooms where access is very limited by piles and boxes of magazines, periodicals, reports ... Hallway and lounge are also affected now. In the past, some of the hoard had got trashed when moving house. We are in our 60s and we will not be moving house again.
We could use the rooms to accommodate the grandchildren who we dearly love.

Is there a reason known for hoarding behaviour?
Is there a solution which has worked for you or which you know to have worked?

Thank you

JaneeMack

Sounds like a classic case of OCD. Is she aware that she hoards things or does she deny it?

My dad is a hoarder and he denies it. His family was very poor when he was growing up and he has gotten the habit of overspending, buying stuff and hoarding it. Now that he has no income (retired), he doesnt overspend as much but if he gets extra money for whatever reason, he will spend it on useless things and piles them up in a room. It is a bit of a sickness to be honest.

Maybe you can talk to her and accompany into a counselling/psychotherapy and see where the need to hoard comes from.

Iderown

Thank you, JaneeMack. She is aware that she does the hoarding, but she does not acknowledge that it is (or is becoming) a problem. We recently found an infestation of silver fish under some of the piles of magazines. Any time that I suggest to her that she should sort the stuff with a view to trashing some, she becomes a bit angry and abusive towards me.

I suspect that she would need to fully acknowledge her tendencies before counselling would be a realistic prospect. I hope it is not me who is being too fussy about the situation. Would enlisting the help of her brothers/sisters be any help? Our daughter seems to have given up about this.

teelady

I come from a family of hoarders on my dad's side. Myself and my siblings are all minimalist as a result and they are all appalled

Joking aside, it's a very serious matter and is VERY stressful to live with.

Channel 4 in England have down a wonderful couple of series on hoarding - i can't remember the exact title but the word Hoarding is in it. You get an insight into why they do it and see the help they get from a psychiatrist - a lovely very very patient man!

You can view all these online for free. Go to www.channel4.com/od
- the od stands for on demand and look thru the a-z for it.

I hope that helps. The main themes are poor upbringings, unresolved grief about some trauma/death in childhood or early adulthood and anxiety ie a coping mechanism.

I hope i haven't offended and it helps,

Tee

JaneeMack

Haha i can imagine already. My dad's line is 'They will all come into use someday'. I don't know when that's gonna be and after one pen after another, he has a huge jar of new pens that he doesn't use and he keeps buying them. It is just one small example of stuff he buys and hoards.

I'm not a medical professional, but in my opinion, i think it has a lot to do with your upbringing and also the attachment issues. My dad hoards magazines and books as well - not much room in the sitting room to sit on which is a bit embarrassing when we have guests.

She may not acknolwedge that it is an issue for others (and possibly for herself as well) and I think this is where a psychotherapist can come in and make her understand/see what others feel. I think at the moment, just try to convince her to go to counselling/therapy together with yourself. If she feels like everybodys' ganging up on her, she might lose face and just gives up on the idea of counselling.

Typer Monkey

That show Teelady mentions above is called The Hoarder Next Door and it's very informative. It shows that people who hoard are suffering from a psychological condition and they really do need therapy to move past it. They rarely snap out of it or listen to well meaning logic from loved ones. You should check it out OP.

Faith

Hoarding generally results from an incorrect psychological attachment. The hoarder assigns misplaced emotions and importance to the hoarded items. In their minds, the items represent something very important (even if the items are literally rubbish) and they are fiercely protective of them. Hoarding often begins after a stressful life event that is not dealt with properly (death, trauma, divorce, etc).

It can generally be successfully dealt with through counselling. It's a slow process but you need to get your wife to agree to see a counsellor ASAP, before it goes too far. It will only get worse without treatment. It's already too much for you to handle without professional help, OP. Even if she won't acknowledge her hoarding yet, start her in counselling and let the counsellor know in advance that she is a hoarder. There are some psychologists and psychiatrists who specialise in hoarding behavior.

Good luck with it. It's a horrible situation to be in.

fillefatale

Hi OP, my mother is a hoarder and as due to financial circumstances I am living in the family home. It is difficult to understand and quantify as we see it as 'stuff' 'junk' (in my mothers case 3 rooms are filled with her belongings and 3 rooms we never use except for storage, like the spare room). Hoarders form an unhealthy attachment to 'things' and often do not acknowledge that a problem exists, arguments frequently begin as things are lost amongst all the stuff but it is never acknowledged as a problem. Anyway, I wanted to sympathise as I understand how difficult it is to live with (I grew up with it), it is like living with someone who has an addiction.

Here are some websites I found helpful - they include stories and advice from people who live with these circumstances - children, partners, etc.

http://www.childrenofhoarders.com/
http://www.helpforhoarders.co.uk/resources/
http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=4835961
http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=4835961

Good luck!

Iderown

Thank you all for the most useful replies. I'll have a look at the web sites and the Channel4 materials soon.

I'm pretty sure I know what the childhood problem was and she has talked to me about it - some time ago. If you don't mind, I will not go into detail.

There has been a minor breakthrough concerning one of the rooms. We have agreed that I make a start on re-decorating it. Needless to say, I will not trash the piles of stuff without her knowing. That would only result in angry words and further accumulations.

I'll update the thread if we have success without the need for professional help.

username123

Best of luck Iderown, I hope you are able to come to a successful and peaceful outcome.