I'm starting my own religion

lazygal

What should the tenets be? All suggestions welcome. Particularly headgear.

GLaDOS

Everyone shall worship the god Athe, and be known as Atheists*




*Shamelessly stolen from smbc

Quatermain

1. Turn ye not withershins 'pon Candlemass eve. 'Twill summon the devils to your door, and they shall spoil your milk and clog your drains with suet.
2. Capers be an abomination. There's an end to it.
3. Acceptable headgear includes deerstalkers, ushankas, and tricornes. Trilbies be the work of The Adversary.
4. When challenged in your piety, adopt the position of Guinevere the Saviour: smite them thusly with a frozen haddock.
5. Live life as thou will, but be not a damned fool about it. Thou must share this blasted rock with, like, six billion other people. They are likely to revoke your earth-habitation privileges.

Sarky

No Homers. You're allowed to have one.

dpofloinn

What ever the tenets are they should be vague and contradictory and open to interpretation by your most zelous followers so that they can use them to suit their own agenda.As for head gear maybe have various levels ie flatcap/scarf for the regular followers all the way up to top hats for the upper echelons for this new religion

Karl Stein

Capes.
Large hats.
Cake.

Brian Shanahan

lazygal wrote: »

What should the tenets be? All suggestions welcome. Particularly headgear.

Abominate Tipperary! Abominate it!

robindch

Something that declares celery, rose "wine", pineapple as a pizza topping, Daniel O'Donnell and Justin Beeber as anathemas.
Outside of that, well, you'll need a holybook, a male clergy and some silly, ineffable dogma...

Lemme see. Christians do a god in three pieces, so what about a god that comes in zero pieces, is called 'Null' or 'Void', but still exists? That should keep 'em guessing.

GLaDOS

Consumption of pork products is mandatory

Pherekydes

1 Recognise that the lord thy god is female.


No other rules necessary.

You should bloody well know what she means.

wp_rathead

Hatred of Fig Tree's is a must

Quatermain

Hootin' and hollerin' is strictly mandatory.

Kiwi in IE

robindch wrote: »

Something that declares celery, rose "wine", pineapple as a pizza topping, Daniel O'Donnell and Justin Beeber as anathemas.

I would happily join! Can brussel sprouts, turnip, orange fake tan and tacky garden ornaments (gnomes, statues of cutesy animals, etc) be added though?

Kiwi in IE

And those horrible, nasty marshmallow and coconut biscuits must be banned.

wretcheddomain

The Nine-and-a-Half Commandments

1. Thou shalt have only celibate female clergy permitted who elect an infallible female Pontiff.
2. Thou shalt not legislate for ordinary marriage; only same-sex marriages.
3. Thou shalt have mass on Friday nights with the local church becoming a late night wine bar.
4. Thou must undergo Public confessions with your crimes advertised on RTE.
5. Thou shalt organise a free laundry service for everyone in the country; a non-for-prophet business called Magdalene Laundrettes.
6. Thou shalt swear an oath of allegiance to the great Prophet Dawkins and his 3 angels; Michael Nugent, Michael Shermer...and Michael.
7. Thou shalt kill daddy long legs when they become a nuisance.
8. Thou shalt sign a pledge at 13 years old to commit yourself to drinking alcohol.
9. Thou shalt use boards.ie as a forum for discussing doctrinal matters.
9 1/2. In keeping with 1-9, thou shalt not break any of these commandments with the punishment of withholding alcohol and contraception for life hanging over you.

robindch

Kiwi in IE wrote: »

I would happily join! Can brussel sprouts, turnip, orange fake tan and tacky garden ornaments (gnomes, statues of cutesy animals, etc) be added though?

Yes, but not the sprouts - they're fine if they're quartered, flash fried in peanut oil with finely diced ginger and garlic, then drizzled with sesame oil + soy sauce, then served.

But boiled until you can't count them any more? Well, to hell with them.

Sonics2k

robindch wrote: »

Yes, but not the sprouts - they're fine if they're quartered, flash fried in peanut oil with finely diced ginger and garlic, then drizzled with sesame oil + soy sauce, then served.

But boiled until you can't count them any more? Well, to hell with them.

Gods dammit Robin, arguments like this I'd how all the great religions fall apart.

wp_rathead

robindch wrote: »

Yes, but not the sprouts - they're fine if they're quartered, flash fried in peanut oil with finely diced ginger and garlic, then drizzled with sesame oil + soy sauce, then served.

But boiled until you can't count them any more? Well, to hell with them.

The Reformation has BEGUN

pauldla

1. No peanuts
2. No dolls. They are a mockery of the Lords work.
3. Ministers of the faith are permitted to examine genitalia of the Faithful, but they must hold their breath while they do so.
4. Dancing on two feet is evil. Dancing on one foot is permitted, under observation from an ordained minister of the faith.
5. Lazygal's left ear is the centre of the universe. All celestial bodies orbit her left ear.
6. During the penitential season, the Faithful are required to listen to 1950's dowop music from sundown to sunrise.
7. Intoxication is compulsory AT ALL TIMES.
8. There is no rule 8. Eight is an evil number, as it reminds us of One Fat Lady, which is a perversion of bingo.

etc etc

smacl

You gotta have a pantheon. Monotheism is sooo boring, with the almighty doing this, and the almighty doing that. Really, who cares?? A bunch of old school teutonic gods fighting, shagging, and causing general turmoil would put your church right up there with Game of Thrones / East Enders. And maybe throw in some vampires and zombies and stuff. The undead seem to get a great following among today's youth, and definitely deserve a mention in any new religion.

gaynorvader

Make the week 5 days long with two holy days, that'll make the year have a nice, round number of weeks. Also make the leap day outside of all weeks and a week long holiday.
Churches should contain tea and coffee facilities with biscuits and cake, which is paid for by voluntary contributions. Any excess in these contributions at the end of the year will be given to charity. The church should also contain a little screening room where sermons are shown. These should be pre-recorded by the priests, so that they can wander around chatting.
If an authority figure is taking your photo, you must always cover as much of your body as you are allowed to.
Any and all other religious holidays must be taken as holidays by followers of this new religion too, else the gods get jealous that other gods are being worshipped while they are not.

Skrynesaver

robindch wrote: »

Yes, but not the sprouts - they're fine if they're quartered, flash fried in peanut oil with finely diced ginger and garlic, then drizzled with sesame oil + soy sauce, then served.

But boiled until you can't count them any more? Well, to hell with them.

Why is it that all recipes for "a tasty way to prepare sprouts" involve overpowering the taste of the sprouts or adding enough bacon to tip the balance from horror to indulgence?

Addressing the OP, I believe the gullible market these days is in historically* based new agey myths, so if you're after funds I would recommend a faux Celtic mythos, with new age type meditative practice tied into the consumption of mead, harvesting of mistletoe and paying tribute to yourself


* Hi Bannishidhe, by "historically based" I mean entirely invented based before recorded history alleging Iron age Celts practised a form of Feng-Shui and the wisdom of subsistence pre-agriculture hunter-gatherers will enlighten your world.

Absoluvely

I have a suggestion regarding the recruitment policy that might help boost your membership.

Rule:
You are able to irrevocably register people as members of your religion by performing a non-consensual ritual upon them without them even knowing.©

©Roman Catholic Church

robindch

Skrynesaver wrote: »

Why is it that all recipes for "a tasty way to prepare sprouts" involve overpowering the taste of the sprouts [...]

Have you ever tasted a brussels sprout?

Skrynesaver

robindch wrote: »

Have you ever tasted a brussels sprout?

Actually I've grown my own and am quite fond of them (I've been known to float when thrown into water so I must be a heretic), steamed and then stir fried w. bacon. Just an observation that at this time of the year people seem to feel the need to eat something they detest and I've heard every kind of accompaniment recommended including caramelising the little buggers in brown sugar.

Brian Shanahan

Absoluvely wrote: »

I have a suggestion regarding the recruitment policy that might help boost your membership.

Rule:
You are able to irrevocably register people as members of your religion by performing a non-consensual ritual upon them without them even knowing.®

*Copyright: Roman Catholic Church

Don't forget retroactively saving the dead!

®Church of Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Saints.

RobbingBandit

The Church of the Almighty Euro, Patron Deity Anglea Merkel.

Please note like all churches this is a business and our business is to keep our holy Angela happy with lots of bratwursts and kronenbourg1664, lest she decide to devalue our holy Euro.

Hotblack Desiato

RobbingBandit wrote: »

The Church of the Almighty Euro, Patron Deity Anglea Merkel.

Please note like all churches this is a business and our business is to keep our holy Angela happy with lots of bratwursts and kronenbourg1664, lest she decide to devalue our holy Euro.

I doubt she'd drink that shíte :pac:

robindch wrote: »

Yes, but not the sprouts - they're fine if they're quartered, flash fried in peanut oil with finely diced ginger and garlic, then drizzled with sesame oil + soy sauce, then served.

But boiled until you can't count them any more? Well, to hell with them.

Sprouts are lovely. Brussels Sprouts get tons of completely undeserved bad press, like maths and Richard Dawkins (and Brussels), so that people are convinced they don't bloody like them before they've even tasted them.

My two kids love veg (myth: BUSTED) and really love sprouts (myth: BUSTED)

Frozen ones are ok. Just don't overcook them.

Fresh ones - take a bit of effort to peel off outer leaves etc., but no need to be fancy in the cooking, just boil in bacon water until ever-so-slightly-firm and they're yum

kylith

Everyone, male or female, must wear a burka, and is prohibited from revealing their gender until they're married, for the sake of decency. Should make for entertaining viewing as everyone tries to make sure of their betrothed's gender without being able to talk about it.

[-0-]

There's enough religions out there. Take up a hobby.