Christmas Humor, Jokes and One Liners.

Xenophile

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

Q. What do you get if you cross mistletoe and a duck?
A. A Christmas Quacker.

Q. What do call Santa when he stops moving?
A. Santa Pause!

Q. Where does a snowman keep his money?
A. In a snow bank.

Q. Why do mummies like Christmas so much?
A. Because of all the wrapping!

mud

What's the difference between snow-men and snow-women?



Snow-balls!

Bootup

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It's Christmas, Eve !

How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve !

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ?
The letter "D" !

What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ?
Black mail !

Who delievers cat's Christmas presents ?
Santa Paws !

Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ?
Because it soots him !

Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents?
Elephanta Claus !

How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ?
Stacks !

Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve ?
Because he's Sooty !

Bootup

Two blondes traveled 2 hours from town and walked deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree. They were all warmly dressed from head to toe carrying their saw, hatchet and a rope to drag the Christmas tree back to the car. They had thought of every little detail planning this trip.

The two blondes were determined to find the perfect Christmas tree. So determined, that they searched for hours slugging through knee-deep snow, blistering wind and were'nt even distracted!


Finally, five hours had passed and the sun was beginning to set, so one blonde turned to the other blonde and said, "I GIVE UP! I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! There are hundreds of beautiful Christmas trees all around us. Let’s just cut one down whether it's decorated or not!!"

Bootup

I have a friend who every Christmas comes to dinner in his wife’s clothes. Once a year he likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

Bootup

I wonder what Christmas will be,

No merriment, good cheer or glee,

Now that Santa's arrested,

Because someone protested,

That he laid some doll under their tree.

Bootup

Why does Santa have such a big sack?Because he only comes once a year.



I got a sweater for Christmas. I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Achtung Maybe

I saw a festive classic James Dean movie that omitted Father Christmas it was A Rebel Without A Claus

Bootup

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are.
DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.
NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!
PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.
DEPRESSION - Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.
OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell... (YOU GET THE IDEA)
OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE PERSONALITY - The Twelve Days of Christmas (don't make me repeat that again)
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.
PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE - Silent Night

dxhound2005

Three Wise Men cartoons.

http://www.irreligious.org/2013/12/funny-three-wise-men-myrrh-pun.html

Xenophile

Bootup wrote: »

I wonder what Christmas will be,

No merriment, good cheer or glee,

Now that Santa's arrested,

Because someone protested,

That he laid some doll under their tree.

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus!

Santa Cruz

Xenophile wrote: »

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus!

Straddling him, she was!

JohnnyBananas

Bootup wrote: »

Why does Santa have such a big sack?Because he only comes once a year.

There's something I don't like about an old man going into my room on Christmas night to empty out his sack.