Carer...opinions please nursing home

tweety11981

Hi, just wanted some advice...I am a married girl in early 30s who moved into my dad's home 4 years ago. Dad is 78 and a bad type diabetic, slow walker but gets around, stays in bed a lot, mood up and down etc needs insulin injection daily,...other elderly relative nearly 90 in house also but health is good and she is independent. Not fair on her either...Have had a baby last year that is 12 months now, so the pressure of minding parents is getting too much, toilet floor can be wet after dad etc, not what I have to do for him per say bit the weight of minding him in general, I don't mean to sound cruel, and I'm always being watched going out, coming home etc etc no other help as only child .... Am considering nursing home for dad but he is in sound mind...am I doing the right thing? He is in hospital respite now and very content so that's a bonus, Hard decision but I can't do everything and want to live my own life... Thank you

lazeedaisy

Hi,

Not sure what you are looking for - You ask for advice on putting your dad in a nursing home - if he is in sound mind is it not his decision - I presume its his house?

Firstly - he can live happily in his own home and have the Public Health Nurse pop in - the HSE can give hours if needed to get him up and dress him and feed him, there is help there through the PHN - especially if he is in respite now is the time to get that all sorted.

Why is he in respite - who is the respite for - are any of you getting carers allowance for him?

He is just getting old - elderly people do suffer mood swings and that is normal - and there are a lot of diabetics who can manage to live alone - or in this case there is an extended family i.e. your wife to care for him - or does she work outside the home? or care for the other relative?

why would you feel you are being watched - is it your dad watching you - maybe he feels like he is being kicked out of his own home - have you considered that?

You say "parents" but don't mention your mum - what does she think?

You don't have to look after them - as I said the HSE is there to care for people who need help in the home and you would need to talk to the Public health nurse.

It is hard to give advice when the whole picture is not available - but your dad seems independent but how can you be doing everything for him - you don't say why you moved in - in the first place - Is it not possible for you to move out and have a carer mind them - that way you will not feel the resentment you do towards your dad who is just getting old and quite entitled to do so - especially in his own home.

A nursing home is not the answer in this instance - you need to talk as a family (no matter how extended) and get the public health nurse involved as decisions need to involve everyone and not a decision you can make alone. You don't say anything about cooking and cleaning arrangements etc etc - there are options available to keep your dad at home - and they should be discussed together and if he is in respite with the care team too,

You are not alone and this is not a decision to be made at this time - go talk to the people who matter, and ask your mum what she wants, and your dad, and the older relative living in the house too - you may get the advice you need - check out HISC.ie for some good downloadable resources - one in particular i found useful several years ago when MIL had a stroke and we had to live with her for a while was the 70/40 rule - they also have a book called "too close for comfort" living in parents homes or parents living with adult children.

Good luck but don't get overwhelmed,