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Is this feeling normal?

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    #32
    wallycharlo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 344 ✭✭wallycharlo


    AvonEnniskerry wrote: »
    ...As said before hand all they need to do is instead of taking her off me, allow me the time to hand her over on my own accord. I will do it. ...

    That sounds reasonable. Perhaps best to ask your husband to communicate the same to them?


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    #33
    Digs
    Registered Users Posts: 2,102 ✭✭✭Digs


    AvonEnniskerry wrote: »

    Digs you are spot on. It is all about my in laws approach. And I would love to just clear the air and sit down and talk about it. But this isn't an option as they will immediately get defensive and take offence. I have tried to explain myself before and this was met with smart remarks like: sure you can't raise a child like that...

    You have my sympathies I understand completely! Don't get me wrong she did get defensive etc but I got to the stage where I felt it better for my mental health to say exactly how I was feeling so there could be no confusion. She may not understand but at least she sees where I am coming from now. At the end of the day its my child, she mightn't do things how I would but then again I wouldn't expect to have an input into how she raises her three children unless explicitly asked for my opinion!

    It's definitely not easy, and my sister in laws heart like your in laws is in the right place but you have to do what causes you and your little family the least amount of stress possible. Like you say maybe the chat isn't an option in your situation but just know you are not alone in what you're feeling at all.


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    #34
    AvonEnniskerry
    Registered Users Posts: 354 ✭✭AvonEnniskerry


    This thread has been a huge help because they had me convinced that I was the problem. I started thinking maybe I have got post natal depression or something similar. Now I see I'm just a normal mother trying to look after myself and my daughter as best I can. Maybe I am a little over protective but this will improve with time. Thanks again


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    #35
    xzanti
    Moderators, Entertainment Moderators Posts: 10,439 Mod ✭✭✭✭xzanti


    AvonEnniskerry wrote: »
    This thread has been a huge help because they had me convinced that I was the problem. I started thinking maybe I have got post natal depression or something similar. Now I see I'm just a normal mother trying to look after myself and my daughter as best I can. Maybe I am a little over protective but this will improve with time. Thanks again

    I'm sorry now that I didn't write a similar thread myself when I was feeling this way.. it's nice to know that it is normal :)

    I got the 'PND' hints off my OH at the time too, and it made me so angry!! Talk about kicking you when you're already.. I won't say 'down'.. but out of your comfort zone and feeling so overwhelmed..

    I hope you find your mojo again soon :) it does pass.


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    #36
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    wallycharlo wrote: »
    That sounds reasonable. Perhaps best to ask your husband to communicate the same to them?

    I don't agree. You don't own a baby like a possession and as long as the baby is safe with the mil I think it's terrible not to allow her hold baby.

    I don't understand why you are making an issue out of the mil picking up the baby when you admit you will hand her over anyway.


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    #37
    wallycharlo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 344 ✭✭wallycharlo


    CaraMay wrote: »
    I don't agree. You don't own a baby like a possession and as long as the baby is safe with the mil I think it's terrible not to allow her hold baby..

    As I am reading it the mother-in-law is more or less expecting the child to be handed over immediately, whereas the OP would rather do it on her own terms; i.e. the OP is more than happy to have the mother-in-law hold the child, as long as it is done in such a way to make her feel comfortable.


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    #38
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    To make who feel comfortable? It's the child's grandmother?!?!? It's not like the postman is grabbing her. As long as the baby is comfortable and safe I don't see the issue. The mil is probably dying to see the baby as she doesn't see her every day. My parents want to see my little man everyday and I'm delighted as I want him to have a bond with then too. I would never try and control them holding their own grandchild.


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    #39
    Penny Dreadful
    Registered Users Posts: 3,041 ✭✭✭Penny Dreadful


    CaraMay wrote: »
    To make who feel comfortable? It's the child's grandmother?!?!? It's not like the postman is grabbing her. As long as the baby is comfortable and safe I don't see the issue. The mil is probably dying to see the baby as she doesn't see her every day. My parents want to see my little man everyday and I'm delighted as I want him to have a bond with then too. I would never try and control them holding their own grandchild.

    If someone was to come into your house and immediately take your baby from you and refuse to put it down or give it to you when its upset until the baby becomes hysterical then its wrong no matter who the person is.

    Babies are lovely and cuddles and kisses with them are great. Out of good manners I think you need to wait to be offered or ask permission first. As they grow up they seek to go to other people by holding out their arms and the like and in that way the baby is clearly asking to go to someone.


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    #40
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Penny Dreadful wrote: »
    If someone was to come into your house and immediately take your baby from you and refuse to put it down or give it to you when its upset until the baby becomes hysterical then its wrong no matter who the person is.

    Babies are lovely and cuddles and kisses with them are great. Out of good manners I think you need to wait to be offered or ask permission first. As they grow up they seek to go to other people by holding out their arms and the like and in that way the baby is clearly asking to go to someone.

    But did you read the first post - she is ok if people hold her once they don't expect to hold her?? There seem to be other issues with the in laws here which are manifesting now due yo this situation.

    I'll be the first to admit that as a 1st time mum I didn't always know what was the best thing to do but I took guidance from more experienced mothers including my mil and I would never have refused either set of parents a hug of my baby


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    #41
    Penny Dreadful
    Registered Users Posts: 3,041 ✭✭✭Penny Dreadful


    CaraMay wrote: »
    But did you read the first post - she is ok if people hold her once they don't expect to hold her?? There seem to be other issues with the in laws here which are manifesting now due yo this situation.

    I'll be the first to admit that as a 1st time mum I didn't always know what was the best thing to do but I took guidance from more experienced mothers including my mil and I would never have refused either set of parents a hug of my baby

    I did read it, my understanding of the situation is that the OP is happy to have her baby go to her inlaws once they wait to be asked or are in the house for a while before asking if they can hold the baby and that should the baby get upset or distressed and she (the mum) asks for her baby back that her request is respected and the baby is handed back.


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    #42
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    But why do they have to ask and wait yo hold their granddaughter. It's like they are being punished for years of not making an effort than for any other reason. I agree the child should be handed back if upset but wanting them to toe the line with holding the baby is not normal. Btw op it's their sons baby too not just yours. What does he say?


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    #43
    wolfpawnat
    Registered Users Posts: 6,124 ✭✭✭wolfpawnat


    CaraMay wrote: »
    But why do they have to ask and wait yo hold their granddaughter. It's like they are being punished for years of not making an effort than for any other reason. I agree the child should be handed back if upset but wanting them to toe the line with holding the baby is not normal. Btw op it's their sons baby too not just yours. What does he say?

    It depends on the grandparents too. I have a MIL that goes out of her way to ignore me and cause problems were there are none. If I said leave the baby, I would mean it. Grandparents are not as high on the food chain as parents, they need to learn their place too. Mom and Dad are the boss. I understand some people have great relationships with the grandparents, but if a mum has a young baby, she may need to be given a bit more respect in her wishes.


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    #44
    Digs
    Registered Users Posts: 2,102 ✭✭✭Digs


    CaraMay wrote: »
    But why do they have to ask and wait yo hold their granddaughter. It's like they are being punished for years of not making an effort than for any other reason. I agree the child should be handed back if upset but wanting them to toe the line with holding the baby is not normal. Btw op it's their sons baby too not just yours. What does he say?

    I have a brilliant relationship with my parents, they see my daughter regularly, my mum sometimes daily yet initially never did either one of them demand or expect to hold my daughter, my mum always asked. I would say to her you don't need to ask, because we are so close I'm of the feeling if I can't be with my daughter my mum is the next best thing (after my husband obviously) yet having been a new mum at one stage in her life she felt it respectful to do so, my aunties were all the same. Their attitude show the ops feelings are anything but abnormal.

    I don't think you are acknowledging the fact that the relationship Between the op and her in laws is a bit strained. If you haven't encountered it yourself you can't really understand what it's like. Like wolfpawnat said grandparent status doesn't just grant you all access rights to the baby. This lies with mum and dad end of.


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    #45
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    I suppose I don't understand because I would never want my parents or in laws to have to ask to pick up their own grandchild. I certainly would rely on my partners guidance on the issue given it's also his child (plus not wanting to cause problems between him and his parents at this special time)

    Each to their own but the op asked if it were normal and I don't think it is.


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    #46
    2xj3hplqgsbkym
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,181 ✭✭✭2xj3hplqgsbkym


    AvonEnniskerry wrote: »
    To be honest I disagree. If anything this thread will show how normal this behaviour is and I personally think it's shallow minded ppl like you that are the cause of these insecurities.
    My baby gets held by those I trust, family, friends,etc. I am not completely segregating her as I do not wish her to be totally reliant on us.
    However I too have a problem with my in laws who seem to totally disregard my feelings. I've been with my husband approximately 8years and they've never really put in the groundwork and now they have all these expectations. For example they made it clear the 3month rule did not apply to them. I get that they're doting grandparents but when they are around I feel a huge lack of control. My baby is taken off me and only returned to me or my husband if and when they cannot console her. As a result It makes me want to visit less, then as they see her less they are getting worse. It's a catch 22 but I don't really feel like I can discuss my fears with them without being judged. I think if we could all sit down and talk it would really help but it doesn't appear to be an option as they don't appear to care what our feelings are so long as their needs are satisfied...

    I don't see why suggesting counselling is shallow minded? The op obviously has concerns and is upset about the situation with her in laws and confused about her feelings so counselling is a good way to discuss her issues.

    There is a reluctance in Ireland to seek help regarding stress and mental health, which has contributed to our high rate of depression and suicide. People who think it ridiculous to seek help when there is a problem with stress or feelings are the ones who are shallow minded in my opinion.

    I agreed that other people have similar feelings but said I didnt, which is what she asked- should I lie or should only people with the same feelings be allowed to reply?


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    #47
    Sweet_pea
    Closed Accounts Posts: 204 ✭✭Sweet_pea


    CaraMay wrote: »
    I suppose I don't understand because I would never want my parents or in laws to have to ask to pick up their own grandchild.

    But you can understand that not everyone has a good relationship with the grandparents, yes? And that just because someone has the title grandparent, does mean they are actually fit to be a grandparent.


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    #48
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Sweet_pea wrote: »
    But you can understand that not everyone has a good relationship with the grandparents, yes? And that just because someone has the title grandparent, does mean they are actually fit to be a grandparent.

    Yes but what's the daddy's opinion on s this?


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    #49
    ted1
    Registered Users Posts: 23,540 ✭✭✭✭ted1


    Hannibal Smith wrote: »
    I had one rule. ..you can hold him...but if he cries give him straight back. The types who believe they are mother earth and who want to show off how great they are with babies by trying to sooth a crying one...my crying one...is a slap in the face to the new mother. Unless of course she's asking for help or a break...but if she's asking for her baby back...dont let her have to ask twice.

    I wouldn't agree, if a baby has wind or something there's nothing wrong with someone trying to soothe them


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    #50
    ted1
    Registered Users Posts: 23,540 ✭✭✭✭ted1


    AvonEnniskerry wrote: »
    This thread has been a huge help because they had me convinced that I was the problem. I started thinking maybe I have got post natal depression or something similar. Now I see I'm just a normal mother trying to look after myself and my daughter as best I can. Maybe I am a little over protective but this will improve with time. Thanks again

    Tbh from reading your post the first thing that sprung to mind was that you have post natal depression.

    Babies fed off their environment, if your stressed out a child will pick this up and will also be stressed.

    The three month rule sounds crazy. How is the baby sleeping!


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    #51
    2xj3hplqgsbkym
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,181 ✭✭✭2xj3hplqgsbkym


    AvonEnniskerry wrote: »
    To be honest I disagree. If anything this thread will show how normal this behaviour is and I personally think it's shallow minded ppl like you that are the cause of these insecurities.
    My baby gets held by those I trust, family, friends,etc. I am not completely segregating her as I do not wish her to be totally reliant on us.
    However I too have a problem with my in laws who seem to totally disregard my feelings. I've been with my husband approximately 8years and they've never really put in the groundwork and now they have all these expectations. For example they made it clear the 3month rule did not apply to them. I get that they're doting grandparents but when they are around I feel a huge lack of control. My baby is taken off me and only returned to me or my husband if and when they cannot console her. As a result It makes me want to visit less, then as they see her less they are getting worse. It's a catch 22 but I don't really feel like I can discuss my fears with them without being judged. I think if we could all sit down and talk it would really help but it doesn't appear to be an option as they don't appear to care what our feelings are so long as their needs are satisfied...

    I don't see why suggesting counselling is shallow minded? The op obviously has concerns and is upset about the situation with her in laws and confused about her feelings so counselling is a good way to discuss her issues.

    There is a reluctance in Ireland to seek help regarding stress and mental health, which has contributed to our high rate of depression and suicide. People who think it ridiculous to seek help when there is a problem with stress or feelings are the ones who are shallow minded in my opinion.

    I agreed that other people have similar feelings but said I didnt, which is what she asked- should I lie or should only people with the same feelings be allowed to reply?


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    #52
    Sweet_pea
    Closed Accounts Posts: 204 ✭✭Sweet_pea


    CaraMay wrote: »
    Yes but what's the daddy's opinion on s this?

    I have no idea.

    You asked in one post why they have to wait to be asked to hold the baby and so I was just trying to point out that not everyone has great grandparents.


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    #53
    Hannibal Smith
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,893 ✭✭✭Hannibal Smith


    ted1 wrote: »
    I wouldn't agree, if a baby has wind or something there's nothing wrong with someone trying to soothe them

    There's everything wrong with it. Give the baby back...if the mother, or father is asking for it. Unless they want you to help you're being extremely rude


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    #54
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Sweet_pea wrote: »
    I have no idea.
    .

    No as he hasn't been mentioned. There is no comment on how the baby's father feels about his parents holding his daughter. It's all one sided. A friend of mine had pnd and felt the same as op on her first child about the in laws having the baby. It did a lot of damage to her marriage and relationship with the in laws which has taken years to fix. Bottom line is that one person ie the mother does not have total rights over the child and second to that the child should not be used to punish the in laws for issues between adults.


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    #55
    Newstarter1
    Registered Users Posts: 33 ✭Newstarter1


    But the op came on here to discuss HER feelings - why would she mention her husband? What I understood from her post about her relationship with her in laws is that they've never been very close. She hasn't said anything about not handing over the baby to them. To me it sounded like she doesn't really know them well, and feels like she is on the back foot as soon as she enters their house because her child is removed from her before she even gets her coat off and not handed back until he/she is hysterical. Not really an ideal situation


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    #56
    ted1
    Registered Users Posts: 23,540 ✭✭✭✭ted1


    Hannibal Smith wrote: »
    There's everything wrong with it. Give the baby back...if the mother, or father is asking for it. Unless they want you to help you're being extremely rude

    The thing with new patents is that they generally believe that they have invented babies and no one has done it before.

    I've seen plenty if people who have asked for the baby back but were actually relieved that they got a break


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    #57
    Newstarter1
    Registered Users Posts: 33 ✭Newstarter1


    They probably did enjoy the break, that's not the point that's being made here. Most new mums or any parent for that matter would probably take issue with someone who wouldn't hand back their child when either the child got upset or the parent asked for them back. They may successfully bite their tongues and do a great bit of acting casual, but I doubt very much that they are 'actually relieved'.


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    #58
    ted1
    Registered Users Posts: 23,540 ✭✭✭✭ted1


    Newstarter1 wrote: »
    They probably did enjoy the break, that's not the point that's being made here. Most new mums or any parent for that matter would probably take issue with someone who wouldn't hand back their child when either the child got upset or the parent asked for them back. They may successfully bite their tongues and do a great bit of acting casual, but I doubt very much that they are 'actually relieved'.
    We'll have to agree to differ, for some new parents babies are a completely new thing and while original reluctant to get advice are thankful of tips and advice shown to new parents.
    Take winding for example, plenty of new parents get worked up when the baby cries and think the baby wants them. a relative or friend with experience can show them various ways to calm and soothe the baby such as a back run, knees up to the chin etc.


    Babies generally cry for three reasons.
    1. They are hungry
    2. They have wind
    3. They need a new nappy

    When babies cry for a parent and if they do it's usually for one of the above reasons.


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    #59
    liliq
    Registered Users Posts: 2,242 ✭✭✭liliq


    ted1 wrote: »
    We'll have to agree to differ, for some new parents babies are a completely new thing and while original reluctant to get advice are thankful of tips and advice shown to new parents.
    Take winding for example, plenty of new parents get worked up when the baby cries and think the baby wants them. a relative or friend with experience can show them various ways to calm and soothe the baby such as a back run, knees up to the chin etc.


    Babies generally cry for three reasons.
    1. They are hungry
    2. They have wind
    3. They need a new nappy

    When babies cry for a parent and if they do it's usually for one of the above reasons.

    Or because they're new and their primary need is their parent...
    (I'd say mother, but I'd probably get shot down for not considering the dad)


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    #60
    skit490
    Registered Users Posts: 65 ✭✭skit490


    liliq wrote: »
    Or because they're new and their primary need is their parent...
    (I'd say mother, but I'd probably get shot down for not considering the dad)

    so suprised at so many people saying the op has post natal depression. i would describe her feelings as perfectly natural. cant believe people suggesting she has issues. not handing the baby back when the mother wants her back is a disgrace. i myself dont like the can i hold her people either. i think all the thins mentioned above about undue stress with passing to n fro is true. but god people dont half make u feel guilty. babies are people not toys.


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    #61
    AvonEnniskerry
    Registered Users Posts: 354 ✭✭AvonEnniskerry


    Ok I don't know where to start, I will be the first to admit that I don't have the best relationship with my in laws. I think to a certain extent I feel like they've never listened to me or done much to make me feel comfortable around them but my main issue is that I suppose I expected it to be different when I bought their grandchild up to see them. To a certain extent I feel that they've had plenty of time to put in the groundwork but they never bothered and now they have all these expectations that I'm supposed to fulfill.
    At the risk of sounding contraversiol my understanding is that, in law, the grandparents have no rights to have access to their grandchild. I am providing them with access and feel My wishes should be respected in turn.
    My main concern is that if these issues are not addressed now, my distrust will continue and they will see less and less of their grand child. For example my mother in law dips her grandsons soother in brandy or lucozade or whatever else she's drinking. Personally I do not agree with this and my main fear is that if I was to leave them alone, my mother in law would take the attitude of well, the baby can't talk so I (the mother) will never find out.
    I also didn't mention that my mother in law isn't exactly well. So I would have issues with her holding her grandchild while standing or walking around as I would be worried she may fall whilst holding my daughter. Sitting is fine. I'm aware that anyone can fall and it would be an accident but in my mother in laws case it is more frequent and she does not appear to be able to break the falls, instead she would have a tendency to fall quite hard, usually breaking bones or doing damage. Again she is allowed do what she wants with her other grandchild but that's up to that mother. Personally I feel I should at least try to protect my child from these events taking place.
    My husband would certainly be easier going than me but understands the situation with his parents. He also understands that as a first time mother I am bound to be more protective than maybe I should be.

    I do not take issue with those who disagree, only those that suggest that yes in actual fact I do have something wrong with me when upon reading this post I have come to the conclusion that it is ok to feel like this.

    Again I think basic manners go a long way. My husband gets free reign of the child and I would never take issue with him having her. But when it is outside the two of us I believe people should not have these expectations but instead be glad of being offered the privilege to hold her. And it will be offered as I will feel comfortable enough around these people to offer.
    My final and biggest issue is those who demand to hold her. Say I've said no for the meanwhile (I will have my reasons). That should be it, end of. I shouldn't have to listen to people arguing my decisions.

    I don't think it's too much to ask for your wishes to be respected.

    I think a child also cries for the comfort of their primary carer and no matter how good someone is at 'mothering' it will not satisfy the child. Someone asked how my child is sleeping. The answer is great, so far she appears to be a happy, contented little child. Never had problems with wind, etc so I have been lucky.


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