Christmas Day Funnies

MonkieSocks

At 7 AM, a lone wife hears a key in the front door.

She wanders down, bleary eyed, to find her husband in the kitchen – drunk, with ruffled hair and lipstick on his collar.

"I assume," she snarls, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at seven in the morning?"




"There is," he replies. ‘Breakfast.’

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A stripper in a hurry to get home leaves the club with nothing on but a loose coat.

As she crosses the street, a drunk driver looses control around the corner and hits the stripper sending her flying into the air, landing unconscious on her back, with all her charms exposed to the world.

As a crowd gathers, a gentleman places his hat upon the stripper's crotch in order to minimize her exposure.

In the meantime, the drunk driver hardly aware he just hit someone, staggers over to see what all the fuss is about.

Noticing the near-naked woman lying exposed on the street, he points to the strategically placed hat and slurs in a loud voice,

"Well, the first thing we gotta do is get that guy outta there!"


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Frank always looked on the bright side.

He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism.

No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply,

"It could have been worse."

To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said,

"Frank, did you hear about Tom?
He came home last night,
Found his wife in bed with another man,
shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

"That’s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."

"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it have been worse?"

"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I’d be dead now!"

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A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he’d make a deal with his son:

‘You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.’

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said,

‘Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.

The boy said,

‘You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ~ and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.

You’re going to love the Dad’s reply:




‘Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?’