Will it ever be socially acceptable to call someone overweight to their face?

AerynSun

Addle wrote: »

Is anyone really ok with being overweight?
I don't think so.

I must be okay with it, because I haven't changed it in a decade.

Sure, there's a part of me that knows I need to get it sorted... but honestly, just couldn't be arsed.

My friends know I'm tubby, and the ones who care about my feelings have never directly commented on my weight. Sure they've invited me to go walking, and I've taken them up on those offers. But weight loss needs a concerted effort once you've gone past a certain threshold, and the occasional walk in the park isn't going to do it, it needs a plan: regular exercise and healthy eating.

I've had one or two people say some very unkind things about my size over the years, and if anything that made me angry enough to eat another few donughts... so the judgmental direct route would be a counter productive strategy, in my experience.

mdwexford

I'd just tell him he's looking like a tub lord lately and cut out the takeaways.

Amuses me when some people look on fatness like an illness.

zenno

It basically comes down to the health and well-being of a person. Being too over-weight is not good for any-person, we know this but refuse to acknowledge it, especially later in life when we are not as young as we once were.

It's in each persons interest to keep themselves reasonably healthy, and this goes for weight as well.

SV

Czarcasm wrote: »

Lads ye'd want to get out of the gym more, there are plenty of people who are not just ok with being overweight, but are quite happy to be overweight.

I say because I was used to having te same attitude and pretending I didn't care. I don't know of anyone who is genuinely happy to be overweight or who, given a quick fix to be in shape would choose not to take it. They just don't want to put in the work.

Cienciano

OP, I think you nicely summed up the stigma of talking about depression in Irish society. You reckon he's depressed, but you think its more important to talk to him about his weight gain.

Femme_Fatale

mdwexford wrote: »

Amuses me when some people look on fatness like an illness.

Like the OP is doing?

zenno wrote: »

Being too over-weight is not good for any-person, we know this but refuse to acknowledge it

No "we" don't. It isn't good for someone's health but they are aware of that themselves and it's up to them to sort it out. Some people can feel uncomfortable with people pointing things out about their appearance when they don't feel great about it as it is. Anyone who's happy to just blurt out "Lol you look like a tub of lard" just enjoys being tactless.

I don't agree with complacency towards obesity, but I don't agree in giving people a hard time in relation to it either.

AerynSun

SV wrote: »

They just don't want to put in the work.

And why do you think the option of putting in the work and ending up thin and fabulous isn't getting the kind of uptake you'd think it should? Because fat people are just plain lazy? Riiiight... stereotyping like that just shows how little you understand what goes on inside the head and heart of a person who struggles to control their weight.

carraig2

Cienciano wrote: »

OP, I think you nicely summed up the stigma of talking about depression in Irish society. You reckon he's depressed, but you think its more important to talk to him about his weight gain.

A very good point. As a person who suffers from depression on and off I think this is the real danger to your friend's health and well-being

SV

AerynSun wrote: »

And why do you think the option of putting in the work and ending up thin and fabulous isn't getting the kind of uptake you'd think it should? Because fat people are just plain lazy? Riiiight... stereotyping like that just shows how little you understand what goes on inside the head and heart of a person who struggles to control their weight.

You're talking to someone who spent their entire teenage years and early 20s more than 10 stone overweight. So yeah I'm more than aware what goes on inside the head and heart.

Addle

AerynSun wrote: »

I must be okay with it, because I haven't changed it in a decade.

Sure, there's a part of me that knows I need to get it sorted... but honestly, just couldn't be arsed.

My friends know I'm tubby, and the ones who care about my feelings have never directly commented on my weight. Sure they've invited me to go walking, and I've taken them up on those offers. But weight loss needs a concerted effort once you've gone past a certain threshold, and the occasional walk in the park isn't going to do it, it needs a plan: regular exercise and healthy eating.

I've had one or two people say some very unkind things about my size over the years, and if anything that made me angry enough to eat another few donughts... so the judgmental direct route would be a counter productive strategy, in my experience.

If it would hurt your feelings to have it commented on, then you're not ok with it. IMO

uch

Addle wrote: »

Is anyone really ok with being overweight?
I don't think so.

I Am, I've been called fat uch since I was A Chizzler, why would it bother me now?

Addle

uch wrote: »

I Am, I've been called fat uch since I was A Chizzler, why would it bother me now?

Would you rather not be fat?

AerynSun

SV wrote: »

You're talking to someone who spent their entire teenage years and early 20s more than 10 stone overweight. So yeah I'm more than aware what goes on inside the head and heart.

You know what goes on for you, but you can't assume that every other overweight person ticks the same way. I'm curious: what kind of support did you get from the people around you, that helped you to lose the 10 stone?

Addle wrote: »

If it would hurt your feelings to have it commented on, then you're not ok with it.

I'm okay with my weight (as in, I've made my peace with my reasons for not doing anything about it), but I'm definitely not okay with people thinking it's their place to say mean or judgmental things to me about my weight in a bid to shaming me into conforming to their ideal of normal. There is a subtle difference.

uch

Addle wrote: »

Would you rather not be fat?

I've always been Large, so being labeled "fat" does'nt hit any chords, No

SV

AerynSun wrote: »

You know what goes on for you, but you can't assume that every other overweight person ticks the same way. I'm curious: what kind of support did you get from the people around you, that helped you to lose the 10 stone?

Ok, maybe not but I've motivated quite a few others into joining me and doing the same so thought there might be something to it.

I got pretty much no support apart from when I'd go on nights out and have people coming up to me drunk stating how good I looked compared to before. That was about all i needed to know I was making progress but I trained and dieted hard for about a year before anyone ever said a word to me.

zenno

Femme_Fatale wrote: »

Like the OP is doing?

No "we" don't. It isn't good for someone's health but they are aware of that themselves and it's up to them to sort it out. Some people can feel uncomfortable with people pointing things out about their appearance when they don't feel great about it as it is. Anyone who's happy to just blurt out "Lol you look like a tub of lard" just enjoys being tactless.

I don't agree with complacency towards obesity, but I don't agree in giving people a hard time in relation to it either.

I wouldn't give any-one a hard time about it either because I was a good bit over-weight and listened to a friend and done something about it, not that I really cared but done some serious walking every day for 3 months and it fell off me and it felt good and lighter moving around too.

But in the summer when it's hot, It really makes you sweat and feel like absolute crap with the extra weight. The summer is definitely tougher when you are heavier that's for sure. Better off than on I say. Walking is the best way in my opinion, it falls off very quickly.

Addle

AerynSun wrote: »

I'm okay with my weight (as in, I've made my peace with my reasons for not doing anything about it), but I'm definitely not okay with people thinking it's their place to say mean or judgmental things to me about my weight in a bid to shaming me into conforming to their ideal of normal. There is a subtle difference.

Have you ever judged anyone else on the choices they make that negatively affect their health, confidence or economic well being?

AerynSun

SV wrote: »

I got pretty much no support apart from when I'd go on nights out and have people coming up to me drunk stating how good I looked compared to before.

I'm glad you got compliments that helped keep your motivation up, that's always a great feeling.

Practically though... how did you go about your weight loss? Was it all your own idea? Did you take up an exercise regime? Did you change your eating habits? What did you do? And how did you figure out what would work for you? And how did you stay focused when things got tough?

I'm genuinely curious.

AerynSun

Addle wrote: »

Have you ever judged anyone else on the choices they make that negatively affect their health, confidence or economic well being?

I judge people all the time, in the confines of my own head. But I own those judgments as being about me more than about the people I'm judging, and I definitely don't be going up to people saying things like "You've already done way too much coke in your lifetime, aren't you ready to stop yet?"

Miss Lockhart

I don't think it will ever be socially acceptable to tell people anything insulting, no matter how true it may be.

Discussing issues like this with your friend will depend entirely on your relationship with him. Some people value honesty, some people will understand things being brought up out of concern, some people won't like it. Personally I would understand if somebody raised such an issue with me if it was genuinely out of concern but tbh I'd rather they just minded their own business.

SV

AerynSun wrote: »

I'm glad you got compliments that helped keep your motivation up, that's always a great feeling.

Practically though... how did you go about your weight loss? Was it all your own idea? Did you take up an exercise regime? Did you change your eating habits? What did you do? And how did you figure out what would work for you? And how did you stay focused when things got tough?

I'm genuinely curious.

(This may seem like I'm taking the piss but I'm dead serious)
I looked at a lot of rocky films and I did about an hour of cardio every day with a hoody on and made sure I sweated like a bitch. Hey if it worked for him..I also shadow boxed quite a bit and in general didn't have a clue what I was doing.
Nutrition wise I got it completely wrong too but I just went with an obvious calories in<calories out.

It was technically my idea I guess, when I seen a picture of myself with nearly a triple chin and a 19" shirt with buttons straining to burst at the seams then I kind of realised.


I gave in when things got tough. I didn't continue. Then I'd be invited on a night out and realise..I don't have anything I can wear.
I couldn't buy jeans from normal shops as they didn't stock my size, I had to buy them online and they were less than flattering, but it's hard to flatter a 46" waist. That would give me the kick in the teeth I knew I needed to go on.



Eventually I started going onto websites and looking up exercise plans and following them, and likewise with diet plans. Not easy when my diet used to be staple of chicken goujons, burgers and chips.
Eventually I got used to it and I still eat that kind of stuff sometimes, but in general I stick to fairly healthy eating and training as hard as I can and I love it. It's the best thing I ever made myself do, and I still have another stone or so to go before I'll be fully content but in general I'm very happy now.

zenno

There is only one miracle cure for losing weight very fast, and that is... focus on walking a good distance from your abode to a place of your liking and back again a few times a day and make it a routine without fail every day, no exceptions.

The last thing is this... under no circumstances eat before bed/sleep, It's evil, never allow it no matter if there is a nuclear bomb going to go off that night. No eating the tasty good stuff 3 hours before sleep. Give it at least 3 hours of no food when going to bed.

This simple routine will work if made a solid routine, no exceptions. Not too strenuous. All it takes is getting into the habit. No matter what any-one says, walking is the best form of exercise there is.

For any-one suffering from the ole depression like I once did, give it a try trust me, get out there and walk like there is no tomorrow and come home and relax and you WILL feel a lot better. Been there wrote the book.

AerynSun

SV wrote: »

...It was technically my idea I guess... I gave in when things got tough. I didn't continue.... That would give me the kick in the teeth I knew I needed to go on.... Eventually I started going onto websites and looking up exercise plans and following them, and likewise with diet plans. Not easy ... in general I stick to fairly healthy eating and training as hard as I can and I love it. It's the best thing I ever made myself do, and I still have another stone or so to go before I'll be fully content but in general I'm very happy now.

Fair play to you, I sincerely admire your resolve and resourcefulness in finding a way that worked for you.

I might take some inspiration from that now, and let this be the year I actually pick up where I left off in 2008 (I'd been doing my own walking and eating plan and I had lost some weight and was looking and feeling good... and then I was nearly mugged in the street when I was out exercising early one morning, and that banjaxed the motivation I'd had until then. That guy didn't make off with my iPod the way he'd planned, but he did make off with my sense of security and my will to get out and walk).

Czarcasm

zenno wrote: »

No matter what any-one says, walking is the best form of exercise there is.

Walking is only one form of exercise zenno, and not necessarily the best one for someone who is overweight as it can put a tremendous impact strain on already stressed joints.

For myself with my arthritis I find swimming to be a very good exercise, I can't walk distances without the aid of crutches, and I hate having to use the crutches. Swimming at least is a weight free exercise that allows me to exercise my muscles and free up my joints a bit at the same time.

The gym is just a non-runner (no pun intended) for me entirely because even with the best discipline and will in the world, I get bored very quickly doing "static" exercises like weights and rowing machine or treadmill work (I also hate tracksuit pants and runners! ).

zenno

Czarcasm wrote: »

Walking is only one form of exercise zenno, and not necessarily the best one for someone who is overweight as it can put a tremendous impact strain on already stressed joints.

For myself with my arthritis I find swimming to be a very good exercise, I can't walk distances without the aid of crutches, and I hate having to use the crutches. Swimming at least is a weight free exercise that allows me to exercise my muscles and free up my joints a bit at the same time.

The gym is just a non-runner (no pun intended) for me entirely because even with the best discipline and will in the world, I get bored very quickly doing "static" exercises like weights and rowing machine or treadmill work (I also hate tracksuit pants and runners! ).

Excellent stuff. That's great that you are a swimmer and it works for you. Swimming is one tough exercise indeed. I was just saying for people that are ok to walk without pain, say' like myself when I never walked anywhere much, and then walked but my back was in bits so had to sit down for 5 minutes and when I continued to walk the pain didn't come back.

If any-one ever finds they have this problem after a short walk and your back is sore, just sit down for 5 minutes and it will not be bad thereafter because the back muscles are just getting used to it.

Swimming is tranquil, another exercise I forgot to mention.

Daqster

Will it ever be socially acceptable do you think, to tell someone to their face that they need to mind their own fcuking business about other people's weight? Skinny all my life but yet it bothers the arse off me that people get so het up about this. I also no more believe the sanctimonious excuses for why they do it, than I believe the Queen is a shape shifting lizard.

Tayla

anncoates wrote: »

You're talking about the chap putting on some weight in the same fashion you would describe symptoms of a debilitating illness or outward signs of mental disorder.

but yet if someone obviously lost quite a bit of weight then most people would have no problem saying it to them and wondering was there a reason behind it such as a debilitating illness or mental disorder.

zenno

Daqster wrote: »

Will it ever be socially acceptable do you think, to tell someone to their face that they need to mind their own fcuking business about other people's weight? Skinny all my life but yet it bothers the arse off me that people get so het up about this. I also no more believe the sanctimonious excuses for why they do it, than I believe the Queen is a shape shifting lizard.

It doesn't have to be socially acceptable to tell people to mind their own fcuking business, every-one is free to say what they want, unless a person is afraid to speak their mind of course.

Once a person is healthy realistically speaking, then that's all that counts. It's more of a health-wise thing to be healthy. After all it's your body.


PS: The Queen is a shape-shifting lizard. It sure seems this is the case when I saw her eating the other day at the christmas bash. There are a few lizards in the Dail as well.

Miss Lockhart

Tayla wrote: »

but yet if someone obviously lost quite a bit of weight then most people would have no problem saying it to them and wondering was there a reason behind it such as a debilitating illness or mental disorder.

That's certainly at odds with my experience anyway. It's true that people will comment on weight loss much more easily than weight gain, but I have never heard of anyone commenting or asking why if there was any genuine concern for illness. Usually it's said as a compliment (rightly or wrongly many people perceive slimness and weight loss as something to compliment regardless of the feelings of the recipient of such comments) or sometimes out of jealousy or bitchiness.

Tayla

Miss Lockhart wrote: »

That's certainly at odds with my experience anyway. It's true that people will comment on weight loss much more easily than weight gain, but I have never heard of anyone commenting or asking why if there was any genuine concern for illness. Usually it's said as a compliment (rightly or wrongly many people perceive slimness and weight loss as something to compliment regardless of the feelings of the recipient of such comments) or sometimes out of jealousy or bitchiness.

A few years ago I was very stressed and lost weight, maybe about 10lb but It looked very obvious as I had always been slim and then dropped into the underweight category, while I did get several comments from serial dieters wondering how I did it, I got quite a few more from other female friends saying that i'd lost weight and wondering was I alright, followed by then telling me if I ever needed anyone to talk to or anything they were there and they meant well.

It was actually 2 male friends who were the most blunt about it, one said to me "every time I see you, you are skinnier, are you not eating or what"

and then another said to me "You look way too skinny now, what's wrong with you?"

But I suppose maybe it was just because I was underweight at that stage rather than still at a healthy weight.

zenno

Anyway folks, no matter if you are large, skinny, small or just tall, once you're happy that's all that counts, 'I was both large and skinny', so sing with me and don't worry be happy. ...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ho1lmkJdyXA

TJ Lazer

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

I have a mate who had gained about 2 stone the past year, I suspect depression but being a bloke etc we dont really pry into his life, he was a part of our social gang but lately he seems to be withdrawn and the weight gain is quite obvious. I was going to approach him on this the other night just a quiet conversation 1 to 1, but when the time came I just couldnt say it. I wasnt going to come right out and say "You are fat, sort it out", more like "If you want to join my gym or start hillwalking with me you are more than welcome and it might help you shed the weight", but I couldnt say the words, it just dawned on me that there is just no way to say that to another human being without being an offensive and horrible cnut..

I have heard "you have lost soooo much weight, its suits you" or "you lost too much weight, you could do with some food in you" but never the other way around (im not counting mindless scumbags who snigger or throw abuse from the car etc). Is there ever a way to tell someone that they are overweight without offending??

I don't have a problem with fat people only the ones who justify it.

It's all too common nowadays where in small towns fat people make up the majority and to be lean and healthy can draw scorn and ridicule.

I've seen instances where good looking healthy people have been bullied by fat people for this reason alone.

There is nothing worse than seeing a fat person holding their head high because society has become accustomed to obesity.

Being fat is a sign of being undisciplined and is nothing to be proud of.

zenno

TJ Lazer wrote: »

I don't have a problem with fat people only the ones who justify it.

It's all too common nowadays where in small towns fat people make up the majority and to be lean and healthy can draw scorn and ridicule.

I've seen instances where good looking healthy people have been bullied by fat people for this reason alone.

There is nothing worse than seeing a fat person holding their head high because society has become accustomed to obesity.

Being fat is a sign of being undisciplined and is nothing to be proud of.

As was said previously, in all fairness, getting into a depression state of which can't be helped sometimes, this can lead to over-eating of the nice stuff and just not being interested in anything anymore, and this can go on for years as you just don't give a fcuk any-more.

So there's more to it than just saying...that person is fat, lazy fcukers, but there can be a deep meaning to why this is the case with some folk.

Never just assume a person is like they are out of choice, that would be just narrow-minded. There are so many reasons why a person might be over-weight. And depression is the main reason in my opinion.

Just give some slack, never just take the laymans route in thinking.

jacksie66

This post has been deleted.

Czarcasm

Daqster wrote: »

Will it ever be socially acceptable do you think, to tell someone to their face that they need to mind their own fcuking business about other people's weight? Skinny all my life but yet it bothers the arse off me that people get so het up about this. I also no more believe the sanctimonious excuses for why they do it, than I believe the Queen is a shape shifting lizard.

That's always been socially acceptable, whatever gave you the idea it wasn't?

Many, many times I've told people, my friends, etc, to butt out, or to mind their own business, and they've told me the same, and we're still friends, and I've had people who told me butt out and mind my own business come back to me later and ask for my help, and it hasn't always been weight related either. I don't see why you'd get so worked up about it though, not sure I care that much to know either tbh.

zenno

jacksie66 wrote: »

Seems like another case of people worrying and caring about what other people do with their lives. Who cares what another person looks like or what weight they are. Who are we to judge? People should focus on their own lives and stop sticking their nose into other peoples business...

Exactly, there is no-one judging, as no-one has the right to dictate to another person.
Just advice and interaction in conversation. Nothing malevolent about it.

TJ Lazer

Education goes along way in combating obesity. The government has failed to publicise the dangers of processed sugar and alcoholic beverages and it seems at every corner sugar has creeped into our diets. Serious measures need to be put in place to combat sugar. That's the key to beating obesity.

zenno

TJ Lazer wrote: »

Education goes along way in combating obesity. The government has failed to publicise the dangers of processed sugar and alcoholic beverages and it seems at every corner sugar has creeped into our diets. Serious measures need to be put in place to combat sugar. That's the key to beating obesity.

Man are you serious ? the amount of chocolate dreams and snack-boxes and delicious foundations of happiness-foods out there are almost impossible to remove your mind from. Food is the biggest drug on planet earth. My fecking mouth is watering thinking about a big-ass apache pizza and a dinner-box.

But I know these spectacular foundations of food goodness is out there, but I decline under duress. Mind over matter folks, it's the only way.

Tasty though, but it's brussel sprouts, carrots,peas,brocolli and grilled tuna.

WilyCoyote

Right! Am going to have a few ORIOS and hit the sack!