Should I put up with his ex girlfriend fascination

gwetan

Hi all,
I'm in serious need of some advice and other peoples opinions if you have the time.

When I started seeing my boyfriend, 2 years ago it was very casual at the start, we met up about once a month. I had told him that I didn't want anything serious, because I was just out of a really long relationship with the father of my child and to let me know, if he was getting involved or anything was going on with someone else

He took this as an open relationship and about 6 months in, slept with one of his ex's. I was gutted, but he insisted he didn't realise that I wanted a 'monogamous' relationship. so we got over that.

Then, on a good few occasions when drunk, he would call me by the name of a different ex, he also kept on getting confused my childs name with her childs name. When I got upset over this, he said that he can't fall out of love with people, that he still loves her and that I was filling her space and thats how he was getting confused with the names. He also said that it was one of the worst relationships he was in and their was nothing to worry about.

Last Christmas a year ago he lied to me about what he was doing and went on a drinking session with her, told me about it 2 weeks later. We argued over it a good bit.

Since, his kept on saying that this girl is his friend and every now and then he needs to see her but insisted that I meet her and go down with him in the interest of our relationship. he asked me to go down a few times since the summer.

So 10 days ago at the weekend I went down with him to her house for a drinking session. Although the night started ok, a lot of reminiscing over their past relationship, which btw was 10 years ago, it quickly turned to him getting very drunk. I might as well not have been in the room. He kept on calling her baby, despite her pointing out that she wasn't and I was in the room, he told her he loved her, tried hugging her, fell all over her a few times...it was an awful experience to sit through!

Because it was so late, I waited till first light and got the bus and left. I sent a txt, telling him I wasn't interested in playing second best, that he obviously still loved this girl and by the looks of things had a chance with her and he should take it.

He arrived at my door at 8 o' clock that night. I hadn't slept, I hadn't eaten, I was barely able to talk at this point. He told me he doesn't remember any of it, but does believe me and that I should just forget about it, 'blank it' he said. He said he was sorry once, that that was it!

so what should I do? Should I just pretend it doesn't matter? I believe his heart belongs to her. He can't bring himself to tell me he loves me, he says his worried that it's like a contract, whatever that means!

If it wasn't for his ex's and a few other small, insignificant things, we would actually have a good relationship. I'm lost, I don't know if I'm being over sensitive?

Please give me some advice, tell me what you think

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

GalwayGuy2

This might be better in personal issues?

TO give an answer, from the story you gave us, it sounds like he is completely hung up on his ex. Getting to the point of drunk and calling you his ex's name, frequently and not rarely, is a serious thing. The hugging story was also iffy.

I dunno, and this is my opinion, but he is going out with you now? So, he should be talking about you? Remembering your exes is one thing, obsessing over them to the detriment of your current relationship, is another.

eviltwin

Are you both on the same page re where you're relationship is at? Does he still think of it as a casual thing?

Amirani

Mod

Hi gwetan, I'm moving this to the Relationship Issues forum. You should be able to get more advice there. Best of luck!

gwetan

Thank you, I'm brand new to this site and hadn't noticed the personal issues forum!

Tasden

Until I read that he acted that way with his ex in your company I was on the fence- but calling her baby, and in front of you- that's not respectful at all. Obviously doing it behind your back would be no better but to have the cheek to behave that way towards her when you can see and be hurt by it (when you have already discussed your concerns) is just disrespectful. I don't think he's in any doubt of the monogamous element to your relationship since you fought about it and agreed on moving forward. Honestly I think had he just slipped up with the names and stuff id be saying to give him the benefit of the doubt because let's face it people don't instantly forget their ex and may have some residual feelings, its natural, but his behavior is just not fair to you, and then telling you to "blank it"? He's not treating you right and not trying to assure you that there's nothing to worry about- if anything he's cementing the fears and confirming that you're right.
Move on and save yourself the hurt.

Also, just re read the part about him not saying I love you because he feels its like a contract or whatever- this is an indication that he isn't in it for the long haul no? I mean OK he shouldn't have to marry you or promise to stay forever but you've spent two years together and he won't say three words in case you take it as him making a commitment to you? Some people don't say it and that's OK, each to their own, its just his reasoning for not that would make me question why he has spent two years with you, and I'm assuming your child too, if he does not see himself committing to you long term.

gwetan

Yes, I think we're on the same page...We're both not looking for to get married or have kids, just a bit of fun and some companionship really, if that makes sense?

Babooshka

gwetan wrote: »

If it wasn't for his ex's and a few other small, insignificant things, we would actually have a good relationship. I'm lost, I don't know if I'm being over sensitive?

Please give me some advice, tell me what you think

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

...Gwetan, I think you should read your full post as if you're reading it like someone else wrote it, and then try to imagine what you would tell the poor girl. I read your post fully, and without trying to patronise you or be condescending, all I felt for you was pity, because that is not a relationship you're in, it's someone elses shadow, and I would kick the crap out of any bloke who thought it was ok to bring me to his ex's house and make passes at her in front of me. You need to get away from him and work on your self esteem some, because this isn't normal for most people.

For the sake of your child, as you mentioned also, it isn't healthy having someone who is not respectful to you around you. Your child will learn all of their future behaviours and take their cues from you. Please don't take any more crap from this saddo, leave him and let him do whatever he wants, most likely he will come running back insisting it's you he wants but it's most likely that he will see you've gotten some self respect and he'll want to get back in with you in order to stamp all over your feelings again. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh or condescending, but re read your post as though it's a close friend telling you about their partner, and you might see what I mean.

DeltaWhite

Wow.. I understand you 2 have your own way of doing things in this relationship but OMG, how can you stand that behaviour!!

I would crack up honestly! Fair enough you don't want the relationship to get serious i.e marriage etc. but how on earth can you continue with the way he goes on??

No way.. I'd be gone. I would have been gone after he carried on like a love sick puppy in his ex's house. In fact I would have been gone after the first time he slept with one of his ex's - unforgivable.

It's a personal opinion of mine, I could not continue that way with a smile on my face and act like it's all good!

gwetan

Thank you Tasden.
I'm sorry I don't know how to reply to these msg individually.
I'm worried that you may be right...i feel like his almost sabotaging the relationship, although I don't understand why since we give each other a lot of space and if it wasn't for this, things would actually be quiet good between us!

tcif

gwetan wrote: »

... he still loves her and that I was filling her space...

I find it very hard to say to anyone else they should end their relationship - it's a huge thing to advise to a stranger I know nothing about - so all I'll say is I'd be gone if someone said that to me. If he doesn't see you and love you for yourself, if he thinks of you as a space filler for someone else he loved and lost, he's no good to you. Life is too short to waste and you deserve better than that. We all do.

Tasden

But op if its just a bit of fun then surely you wouldn't be on a forum looking for advice. I mean that in the nicest possible way, you're being hurt by this man and the minute that happens it stops being a fun casual relationship and you're the one who will be left broken hearted.

I'm not trying to patronise you or be mean, I just don't think its going to end any other way.

Babooshka

gwetan wrote: »

Thank you Tasden.
I'm sorry I don't know how to reply to these msg individually.
I'm worried that you may be right...i feel like his almost sabotaging the relationship, although I don't understand why since we give each other a lot of space and if it wasn't for this, things would actually be quiet good between us!

Then, it's up to you, you don't really need people telling you what you're willing to accept or not, but it sounds like you may be willing to accept the crumbs from someone's table. if you're happy enough that's fine but obviously something is annoying you because you came her looking for opinions...mine is that he is extremely bad news and any woman deserves a level playing field when starting a new relationship, beginning with infidelities with the excuse "ah I didn't know we were exclusive" and "I can't tell you I love you, it sounds like a contract"....open your eyes girl, seriously, if you only want him for the odd shag grand, but he is not marriage material if that's what you're after, by the sounds of him. I'll leave it at that and the best of luck.

gwetan

Thank you Babooshka.
I don't think anybody is being mean, that's exactly why I came here so I could get some honest advice.
I do believe I have a lot of self esteem issues, although you'd never think it if you met me.

Babooshka

gwetan wrote: »

Thank you Babooshka.
I don't think anybody is being mean, that's exactly why I came here so I could get some honest advice.
I do believe I have a lot of self esteem issues, although you'd never think it if you met me.

That's true for lots of people with self esteem issues to be honest. I am not without some myself, but I would never ever let anyone treat me like that Gwetan. You deserve a lot more to be honest. Even if you're not looking for anything too long term, he sounds like he's playing you. I hope it works out and you get a partner who respects you and you only while he's seeing you. Best of luck missus.

Tasden

gwetan wrote: »

Thank you Babooshka.
I don't think anybody is being mean, that's exactly why I came here so I could get some honest advice.
I do believe I have a lot of self esteem issues, although you'd never think it if you met me.

Well then I think walking away with your head held high and telling him you and your child deserve better than to be her replacement is the best thing for you to do, he's only going to drag you down and lower your self esteem.

MugMugs

Walk away now and don't look back. Ever!

Dark Phoenix

Its a tricky one OP as from what you have said you want to have a totally manogamus relationship with someone but not the commitment and attachement that would normally go with one.

It does not defend his behaviour either though. Basically he has told you he feels its okay to be obsessed with someone else, call you there name and try to reignite things with them when you are sat in the room - because you are just 'filling a space' for him.

gwetan

Hi Dark Phoenix
Yes I want a monogamous relationship and I am totally committed in the now/present. I don't believe anything can last forever. Also previous to this relationship I was in a 14 year relationship and I have a 6 year old child from that, so any further commitments I would make, I would have to be 100% positive about it. Do you think that's wrong?

He hasn't per say told me it's ok to be obsessed with someone else...it is how it appears to me though

Meauldsegosha

gwetan wrote: »

...that he still loves her and that I was filling her space...

gwetan wrote: »

... he told her he loved her, tried hugging her, ...

gwetan wrote: »

He can't bring himself to tell me he loves me, he says his worried that it's like a contract, whatever that means!

These would all be red flags for me. He can tell his ex of ten years he loves her but can't say it to his girlfriend of two years. I understand it started off as a casual relationship but after two years and the fact that he had met your child so it is not casual anymore. I wouldn't let anybody disrespect me the way he is disrespecting you.

Tasden

gwetan wrote: »

Hi Dark Phoenix
Yes I want a monogamous relationship and I am totally committed in the now/present. I don't believe anything can last forever. Also previous to this relationship I was in a 14 year relationship and I have a 6 year old child from that, so any further commitments I would make, I would have to be 100% positive about it. Do you think that's wrong?

He hasn't per say told me it's ok to be obsessed with someone else...it is how it appears to me though

Its perfectly fine to want a relationship on your terms, whether that's casual/open/short term, as long as its what you both want that's fine, but are you sure you are both on the same page? Are you telling him that you see no future/don't expect it to go anywhere and just want a bit of fun? Because if you are then maybe that's how he's treating the relationship in which case he thinks its OK to see you until he finds someone he wants long term, ie his ex. Have you discussed matter of factly where you both stand in this relationship?

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to commit to a lifelong relationship until you feel ready but that's not exactly the issue here I don't think, after two years though I think you should both have a full understanding of where you both stand.

gwetan

Hi again Tasden
Yes it's something that we are both clear on. I should explain. When we met, he told me he doesn't want to get into anything serious because his planning to head off travelling. He has been building a campervan since we met with that being the end goal. His told me on several occasions to not get attached because he is leaving. My reply has always been that, that is fine. We have agreed to just enjoying what we have now and not to worry about the future.

I guess, I got attached! Maybe he sees that and that scares him, i don't know

Big Bag of Chips

gwetan wrote: »

he said that he can't fall out of love with people, that he still loves her and that I was filling her space

He is telling you but you are not hearing it. He loves her. He has loved her for over 10 years. He has told you he is not going to fall out of love with her. He has told you that he doesn't love you BECAUSE he loves her. He has told her that he loves her, in front of you, but can't tell you that he loves you.

This is because he doesn't love you. You are "filling a space" as he so eloquently put it. You are filling a space until she decides if she wants him back.. if she told him tomorrow that she wanted to get back with him, he would walk away from you without a backwards glance. There would be no struggle for him to decide.

Now, if you are happy for that to be the status of your relationship, then that's fine. But it obvious, from the fact that you came here looking for advice, that you are not happy with it. It's ok for a relationship to start out as casual, and progress. Most relationships start out as casual! But after 2 years, he still sees it as casual, and you see it as something else.

I don't think his view on it will ever change.. because you are not the one he truly wants. You are, "filling a space", and if she or someone else comes along to that space, he will be gone.

littleblackDRS

I honestly don't understand what you are doing with him. He can't bring himself to tell you he loves you, but will tell you he loves her? He's told you you're just filling the space she left?

I would run, run very far, and very fast. You deserve so much better than this.

gwetan

Big Bag of chips you are killing me with your honesty!

You are correct in many ways, the only thing i can say to that is that the only times he has said those things, there's been a lot of alcohol involved. The rest of the time his told me that he thinks i'm amazing and the best girlfriend

I mean I don't know, personally I can hold my drink, but many people can't. Does alcohol excuse our behaviour?

I think you're right, but I think he possibly doesn't know it himself, or won't admit it to himself about this other girl...it's lodged deep in his subconscious

Tasden

gwetan wrote: »

Big Bag of chips you are killing me with your honesty!

You are correct in many ways, the only thing i can say to that is that the only times he has said those things, there's been a lot of alcohol involved. The rest of the time his told me that he thinks i'm amazing and the best girlfriend

I mean I don't know, personally I can hold my drink, but many people can't. Does alcohol excuse our behaviour?

I think you're right, but I think he possibly doesn't know it himself, or won't admit it to himself about this other girl...it's lodged deep in his subconscious

Well to quote someone who i accused of being drunk when he expressed his feelings to me "drink doesn't make you delusional when it comes to love, it gives you clarity", now you can also use beer goggles and plenty other phrases about drink making you be stupid as well, but at the end of the day in this case its looking like his true feelings are coming out when he's drunk.

Also, it seems from what you've said now that he's kinda been upfront from the start that this is just a fleeting thing til he moves on. And you've sort of given him the go ahead to think this by accepting that. Not that he has a right to disrespect you, but you've told him you're OK with not being his "one".

Also, regardless of whether his ex was around or not he has said its a casual thing til he moves on to travel or whatever so either way I think you're too deep and involved and would be best walking away now.

gwetan

Yes, i'm ok with our relationship till he moves on...to a different country though, for a better life, other women weren't in my head when I said that!

At the start, neither of us expected this to last as long as it has i don't think

The Corinthian

gwetan wrote: »

When I started seeing my boyfriend, 2 years ago it was very casual at the start, we met up about once a month. I had told him that I didn't want anything serious, because I was just out of a really long relationship with the father of my child and to let me know, if he was getting involved or anything was going on with someone else

He took this as an open relationship and about 6 months in, slept with one of his ex's. I was gutted, but he insisted he didn't realise that I wanted a 'monogamous' relationship. so we got over that.

Seriously? You didn't want a 'serious' relationship, but an undertaking to remain monogamous is not serious? Bit of a cake and eat it thing there.

But in fairness, a non-serious, open relationship is what he wanted all along. Still does, by the looks of things. To the cynic in me, he strikes me as a guy who specializes casual relationships with single mothers, keeping more than one on the go and periodically sleeping with all of them.

As Big Bag has pointed out, he's spelt it out to you; he still has feeling for her and views her romantically. He's even still keeping you at a certain distance by telling you not to get too attached, to keep things casual.

However, unlike Big Bag, I suspect he also has feelings for you too and is essentially polyamorous. He's probably telling her the same things.

Maybe you should have a chat with her?

gwetan

The corinthian,

I'll take all those points on board....Essentially I'm worried that you've hit the nail on the head there, but I just didn't cop on to it!

let me clarify what I mean by 'serious'. Some people want to settle immediately, get marrried and have kids. I already have a kid and am not looking for a replacement father. That can be very scary for some men. I am very independent and just wanted a bit of love and companionship in my life. Not an open relationship. He stated he never wanted kids and that is fine by me

Tasden

gwetan wrote: »

The corinthian,

I'll take all those points on board....Essentially I'm worried that you've hit the nail on the head there, but I just didn't cop on to it!

let me clarify what I mean by 'serious'. Some people want to settle immediately, get marrried and have kids. I already have a kid and am not looking for a replacement father. That can be very scary for some men. I am very independent and just wanted a bit of love and companionship in my life. Not an open relationship. He stated he never wanted kids and that is fine by me

You wanted love, but he's not really giving you that. Sometimes serious means different things to different people.

DeltaWhite

There seems to be a lack of communication been going on the past 2 years (or maybe not?) but from what you say, it seems that your preferences were not voiced from the start. Still doesn't give him the right to treat you as he has. But there are some men out there that will take all they can and string you along for the ride. This bloke seems to be one of them to me.

I fear maybe it has gone too far now to salvage and besides, if he is supposed to be leaving the country, do you not feel that you are best off removing yourself from this arrangement and saving yourself anymore headaches/heartaches?