Should I put up with his ex girlfriend fascination

The Corinthian

gwetan wrote: »

I'll take all those points on board....Essentially I'm worried that you've hit the nail on the head there, but I just didn't cop on to it!

Don't take it as gospel; it's just a gut feeling, not a reasoned deduction, and thus should only be taken as a possibility in absence of any stronger evidence.

let me clarify what I mean by 'serious'. Some people want to settle immediately, get marrried and have kids.

Yeah, the 'check-list brigade'. Mad as bicycles and best avoided.

I already have a kid and am not looking for a replacement father. That can be very scary for some men. I am very independent and just wanted a bit of love and companionship in my life. Not an open relationship. He stated he never wanted kids and that is fine by me

You don't have to be monogamous to have love and companionship in your life. TBH, if someone said to me they didn't want a serious relationship, I'd probably presume monogamy wasn't part of it - after all monogamy is a pretty serious commitment. Probably you should have been more clear with him.

As for the rest of what you said, this is why some guys prefer single mothers; no biological clock screaming to settle down and start a family, more realistic expectations and happy to take things one day at a time. I've seen it before.

LegacyUser

After 2 years together you deserve more than this. He told you he does not want a relationship as he is going traveling but he expects you to be available to suit him.
Meanwhile when you mert him you had come out of a long relationship that ended badly so you did not want a serious relationship.

I have to be honest here, if he got a text/phone from his ex and she asked him to meet her he would be gone to her. He would not tell you this but in time you would find out from someone you both know.
After 2 years of being together you deserve better than this waste of space.
I know it is hard to have a relationship when one went wrong in the past. If you don't don't put some value on yourself, your wants, your needs and your own long term happiness no one else will.

Also if you have a child they will notice what you do, say and go out with.
Do you want your child to think that any man/woman is better than no other half?
Do you want your child to know that there mother is a doormat?

In your case I would tell him it is over so he can run back to his ex. I would look for some counselling to build up your self estem. You sound like a nice person who has had some bad luck but at this stage I would spend some time on your own, build up your self estem and in time you will meet a man who deserve you not a user like this idiot.

thefeatheredcat

The only reason I can see why he insisted on you meeting the friend/ex is to validate the existence of her in his life. He previously had to lie to you in keeping her secret. But now he needs to validate her in your relationship with him. To create an existence of her in your life. So that leaves you in a relationship with 3 people. He is really creating a situation that can be summed up in his head that it is ok for him to continue to stay in the past about the ex and for you to live in her shadow, in validating her.

As for the going off traveling and campervan........... He's not going traveling. He is not leaving or going traveling. I would see it that the campervan is really the same as you, a means of a way to fill the void, the shadow of the ex. If that campervan ever gets finished, and you're still together, I would doubt he will be leaving. He is not going anywhere in it unless the ex is in it with him. I would take him saying he is going traveling as a way to not get too involved with him ..... only because he is waiting for his ex to take him back.

He has been quite direct in not wanting to get that involved with you, but at the same time is happy to use you as a stand in for the ex. He wants the benefits of a relationship but not in a real relationship, not with someone who wants a relationship but that can settle with being in a relationship with 3 people. She is always going to be in the picture. He is giving you lots of reasons just by behaviour alone such as the drinking session with his ex for you to push him away, which is really what he wants, because he will never have the balls to just end things with you himself. He's creating scenarios that either lead to you accepting the relationship of 3 or you pushing him away based on being hung up on his ex and forever hoping something will change with her that equates to them being together. Either way, he will never really end things with you, he doesn't want to be the "bad guy" and adding to his predicament he is already in, as in, he doesn't want to be the one directly responsible for you being or getting hurt in ending things with you completely, it is more the case that he wants to be off the hook in saying things like going off traveling, don't get attached, etc so that if you get hurt he will see himself as blameless as he did warn you.

I would advise Gwetan, to hold yourself up high and walk away. This is a guy who either is going to wreck your head by his behaviour, his obvious love for his ex and the need for her to be a part of his life and in needing you to validate her in both your lives, or is going to hurt you really badly through humiliating you further and leaving you high and dry at some point. I don't think you are ever going to be his girlfriend on a real term in his head; you're a safe stand in that he does not need to hold himself and his behaviour accountable to (as he has warned you he is leaving, not to get involved, keep things casual, etc) and in his view, can walk away from tomorrow if the ex wanted him back. If you wanted love and companionship in your life, this guy will never give that....... to you.

The Corinthian raised a great point, maybe he is saying the same things to the ex, maybe he said all those same things and was hung up over someone else while in a relationship with her. Maybe she has been in the position you are.

As for the question though, should you put up with the ex fascination? I wouldn't. I wouldn't entertain going out with someone for 2 weeks never mind 2 years that is so obviously hung up on their ex, even if it's just while drunk. But she is still a huge part of his life and trying to have you validate it, trying to encourage it. Even if the rehashing the relationship only comes up when he is drunk, than like anyone I've ever met that has specific issues that only rear their heads when drunk - and never in a sober moment - they are best encouraged to deal with those negative emotions and issues sober and work through the issues.

CaraMay

Op he loves someone else?!?!?!? It's really that simple.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

Sadderday

OP, poor you.. it really doesn't sound all that much fun....? so if you are looking for a good time... you can still find that with someone that will show you a little more respect. If you were single... would you have these worries? so why spend your time and thoughts on somebody that really isn't adding much to your life.... when you weigh up the pros and cons. If you decide to let go now and walk away you can hang onto your dignity.

Big Bag of Chips

gwetan wrote: »

Big Bag of chips you are killing me with your honesty!

You are correct in many ways, the only thing i can say to that is that the only times he has said those things, there's been a lot of alcohol involved. The rest of the time his told me that he thinks i'm amazing and the best girlfriend

I mean I don't know, personally I can hold my drink, but many people can't. Does alcohol excuse our behaviour?

No, alcohol doesn't excuse behaviour. You are making excuses. So "the rest of the time" he thinks you are amazing...? So when he is not drunk he tells you he loves you???

Have you heard the phrase "in vino veritas"? When he is drunk he lowers his inhibitions and tells you, and her, exactly how he feels. When he is not drunk he has a bit more sense and the capability to hide it from you.

Do you love him? To the point where, even if you are second best, you prefer to be with him than not? If so, that's fair enough. Only you can decide what you are willing to accept in your relationship. What might have others running for the hills, could be perfectly fine to another person. Neither is necessarily right or wrong.

But.... A relationship is supposed to make you happy and feel good. If it doesn't, what's the point? Being with someone, anyone, rather than being single? You are the only person who can decide what your limit is. My limit would be being humiliated in front of his ex, by him acting as if they were the couple, while I sat on the outside feeling like I was intruding in their "relationship".

Edit: Scrap that. my limit would have been when I discovered my feelings for him were growing, and he told me he couldn't fall out of love with his ex, and I was "just filling her space".

Just as a matter of interest - you asked "Should I put up with his ex girlfriend fascination" - did you expect any reply saying "Yes"?

heretochat

CaraMay wrote: »

Op he loves someone else?!?!?!? It's really that simple.

Having read the whole thread, I think this post sums the situation up to a tee..

Drink is not excuse as others have said and to behave the way he did in front of you is inexcusable and shows a complete lack of respect for you.

If someone did that to me I would have walked out the door and left them to it..

You are a filler for him and if his ex ever came back looking to take him from you he would go in an instant..

Emme

OP, I would walk away. I know some people are advising you to talk to the ex but what's the point? Are you happy to play second best to her? You're not in an official polyamorous relationship. If you were then the ex might be the primary partner (the one uppermost in his mind) and you the secondary partner. Is that what you want?

Even if you want a casual arrangement this doesn't mean you have to accept second best. In polyamorous relationships all concerned might be serious and committed or there might be one primary partner and several other partners but all know about each other and are open and honest with each other.

This is not the case with your bf.

Cut loose and find somebody who treats you with respect.

aidan24326

gwetan wrote: »

Hi again Tasden
Yes it's something that we are both clear on. I should explain. When we met, he told me he doesn't want to get into anything serious because his planning to head off travelling. He has been building a campervan since we met with that being the end goal. His told me on several occasions to not get attached because he is leaving. My reply has always been that, that is fine. We have agreed to just enjoying what we have now and not to worry about the future.

I guess, I got attached! Maybe he sees that and that scares him, i don't know

Of course you did, it's been 2 years, not just some 2 month fling.
And as much as his behaviour has been out of order, you haven't helped the situation yourself.

What is the point in just coasting along with a guy who is planning to move away, when there's no future in it? In that situation you either accept that it's just a bit of fun or you knock it on the head and head and admit that you want something more meaningful, more stable (which seems to be the case).

Either way this relationship is going nowhere. He is fixated on his ex for a start, and the reason he won't tell you he loves you is because he doesn't. That's pretty obvious from his actions. And that stuff about it being a 'contract' is awful nonsense. But again (and I'm sorry to be harsh) you are partly the orchestrator of your own downfall here because I really can't see where you ever expected this to go.