Children not allowed keep they're gifts

Daisy33

Hi All,
I have a sad dilemma with my children.. Myself and their Dad split when they where very small, they are now 7 and 5.
Anyway their dad lives with his parents and twice a month the children visit him there. Ever since we split up, every Christmas and Birthday gift the children have recieved HAVE to stay in that home. I totally appreciate that certain gifts should remain there such as large items, ie: bikes/scooters for convenience etc.. But all of the gifts..??
My kids have arrived home from these post-Christmas/ Birthday visits feeling very sad as there Grandmother and Dad is telling them no they cant take their gifts home. I feel so bad for them, I have raised this subject with their Grandmother and Dad and lm being ignored or basically being told (in a roundabout way) to just put up with it..!!
So 10 days ago when the kids came home from their Christmas visit they both got very sad that as usual and the older one literally asked me why do those people give me presents and then keep them and she had tears in her eyes too.. I decided once and for all to send the text to stop this for good. In my message I said this behaviour toward the children Is cruel and that I cannot accept them being treated as so. This message was ignored too. Legally I dont think there is anything i can do on behalf of my my children. And I desperately want them to not have this bull in their little lives. I don't want to send my children to an environment that plays with there mind's like this. They are supposed to be visiting there next week and I don't know what to do.. I know to some parents this post may seem somewhat frivolous.. Please someome with good knowledge advise me.. Thanks for reading

MissFlitworth

Can you not make a positive of it for them? The gifts stay in their Dad's place so they have toys/presents/nice clothes in both of their homes. It could possibly be the reason that their Dad asks them to leave gifts in his place. He could just be being difficult but if he is one of you needs to be the adult in the parenting relationship and turn it into a positive for your kids, if you are really upset about it/make a big deal of it they will too. (I'm not a parent but my parents were separated and from my experience you really do need one parent to suck it up at times even if they really don't want to & especially if a situation is causing upset for kids when possibly it doesn't have to be if someone just backs down)

kidneyfan

So he'll just have an empty room no children and no sign of children? Is it him that only wants them twice a month or is it someone else?

syklops

I decided once and for all to send the text to stop this for good. In my message I said this behaviour toward the children Is cruel and that I cannot accept them being treated as so.

The text? :rolleyes:

Ring the Dad and tell him that until their "policy" is changed the children will not be staying over. As you say it is cruel. I can understand an xbox or a bike, but at 5 and 7 they will have gotten little things which they might want to keep around like teddies or lorries or whatever. I can't imagine being in that situation myself, but it can't go on.

Confront the issue front on with a phone call and meet the Dad(or the grand mother depending on who is calling the shots) and state in very plain terms, that this ends. Communicating over text is fine for "can you get milk on the way home". For matters like this, phone or face to face is the only way to go.

eviltwin

It's petty of him to insist, surely bringing something home is okay. I don't understand his logic. Keep the visit for next week as planned, don't play games with access. It's not going to help and is unfair. Can you talk to him in person, pick maybe one toy the children can bring back.

Ash.J.Williams

I'm a bloke in the same boat and i don't send my child home with anything in case it gets thrown out.

syklops

Ash.J.Williams wrote: »

I'm a bloke in the same boat and i don't send my child home with anything in case it gets thrown out.

Is there a precedent for things being thrown out?

Chattastrophe!

Think of it this way - how would you feel if the gifts that you gave them for Christmas were brought to his house, and left there?

He only sees them twice a month, I think it's understandable that he'd like to have nice things in the house, that they can enjoy when they're spending time with him.

You making a big deal out of it will only make matters worse. I really think you need to be presenting a united front on issues like these. If he wants the gifts left at his house (not unreasonable, in my opinion), then you should make it a positive for your children - so that they'll look forward to going to his house - you might privately disagree with his decision, but no point letting the kids know that, it'll only upset them more.

Daisy33

kidneyfan wrote: »

So he'll just have an empty room no children and no sign of children? Is it him that only wants them twice a month or is it someone else?

He wants them no more than twice a month. And his access isn't an Issue or the issue being discussed.

Daisy33

syklops wrote: »

Is there a precedent for things being thrown out?

Nope nothing would/ has be thrown out..

stevek93

Oh for god sake, all the father wants to do is have something for the children to play with when the come over to visit. Women are all the same, they will end up with a netigate attitude towards the father when they grow up.

syklops

Surely it doesnt need to be an all or nothing situation. The kids are 5 and 7. Im sure they got a teddy or an action man which they want to bring. Surely a compromise can be reached where they get to keep one or two items?

WHen I was 5 or 7 there was always one or two toys that came everywhere with me. Im sure if I was told one had to be left somewhere until 2 weeks time(which feels like a lifetime away when your 5), I would have been very upset.

Moonbeam

stevek93 wrote: »

Oh for god sake, all the father wants to do is have something for the children to play with when the come over to visit. Women are all the same, they will end up with a netigate attitude towards the father when they grow up.

Please do not generalise , all women are far from being the same in the exact same way not all men are.
Any more posts like this will result in infractions.

Electric Sheep

syklops wrote: »

The text? :rolleyes:

Ring the Dad and tell him that until their "policy" is changed the children will not be staying over. As you say it is cruel. I can understand an xbox or a bike, but at 5 and 7 they will have gotten little things which they might want to keep around like teddies or lorries or whatever. I can't imagine being in that situation myself, but it can't go on.

Confront the issue front on with a phone call and meet the Dad(or the grand mother depending on who is calling the shots) and state in very plain terms, that this ends. Communicating over text is fine for "can you get milk on the way home". For matters like this, phone or face to face is the only way to go.

This is VERY bad advice. You should never withhold visitation to get your own way in a power struggle.

biko

I can understand the father's parents wanting to have the presents they got for the kids remain in their house.
How about the presents from the father? Do they also remain behind?

looksee

Did the children take any presents from you with them? Did they come back to your presents? Children are adaptable and this really isn't that big a deal. Most people's grandchildren have a box of toys that live at gran's house, and stay there. If they come back commenting about presents left at their father's house just cheerfully point out that they are 'daddy's house toys' and distract them to the things that they have at home. Certainly don't make an issue of it in front of the children or they will learn to 'divide and conquer'.

LegacyUser

stevek93 wrote: »

Oh for god sake, all the father wants to do is have something for the children to play with when the come over to visit. Women are all the same, they will end up with a netigate attitude towards the father when they grow up.

I think that's unfair. I don't see anything in the OP that implies this us about her- it sounds to me like she is genuinely upset for her children.

A gift is just that and once it's given it now belongs to that person and shouldn't come with conditions (obviously parents may need to put in 'rules' about use etc but that's not what I mean here). The gifts I got from my parents when I went to them a Christmas came home with me, not left there to only use when I next go to visit.

Of course there may be some larger items that it would be more convenient to leave there to play with when they visit. But smaller things, that they were probably excited to get and show off to friends etc, why can't they be brought with them on visits?

ElleEm

OP,I think you are getting a bit hysterical about this. Understandably, your kids want all their toys in the same place, but their dad probably just wants them to feel at home when they stay with him. Can you understand that he wants their bits and pieces there instead of having to unpack everything from their bags when he has access?

Daisy33 wrote: »

Hi All,
I decided once and for all to send the text to stop this for good. In my message I said this behaviour toward the children Is cruel and that I cannot accept them being treated as so. This message was ignored too. Legally I dont think there is anything i can do on behalf of my my children. And I desperately want them to not have this bull in their little lives. I don't want to send my children to an environment that plays with there mind's like this. They are supposed to be visiting there next week and I don't know what to do.. I know to some parents this post may seem somewhat frivolous.. Please someome with good knowledge advise me.. Thanks for reading

Seriously, your use of language here is so extreme! Their dad is hardly being cruel by giving them gifts, and he is not "playing with their minds", he is allowing them to have their own toys available to them while he has access. I am not surprised he ignored your text, and the fact that you are even mentioning a legal issue is insane! Their dad wants their presents to stay in his home, no big deal!

Be mature, PHONE him and discuss it like a rational adult. "Hey X, the kids were a bit upset that they couldn't bring their new pressies back to my house. Can you chat with them about it and maybe compromise that they bring one small thing to this house? I can make sure they bring it back to yours if that is the issue.". When you begin a conversation/ discussion with demands and claims of cruelty, you are asking for a fight.

kunst nugget

syklops wrote: »

The text? :rolleyes:

Ring the Dad and tell him that until their "policy" is changed the children will not be staying over.

That is insane advice. Please OP, don't follow this.

havana

stevek93 wrote: »

Oh for god sake, all the father wants to do is have something for the children to play with when the come over to visit. Women are all the same, they will end up with a netigate attitude towards the father when they grow up.

I think that's unfair. I don't see anything in the OP that implies this is about her- it sounds to me like she is genuinely upset for her children.

A gift is just that and once it's given it now belongs to that person and shouldn't come with conditions (obviously parents may need to put in 'rules' about use etc but that's not what I mean here). The gifts I got from my parents when I went to them a Christmas came home with me, not left there to only use when I next go to visit.

Of course there may be some larger items that it would be more convenient to leave there to play with when they visit. But smaller things, that they were probably excited to get and show off to friends etc, why can't they be brought with them on visits?

Really good advice there from ElleEm.

syklops

Electric Sheep wrote: »

This is VERY bad advice. You should never withhold visitation to get your own way in a power struggle.

I wasn't suggesting she withold visitation "to get her own way". The situation is upsetting the children. A separation is hard enough for children without exacerbating the problem with giving them new toys at Christmas and not letting them keep them.

As I said, it doesnt need to be all or nothing but some kind of an agreement has to be made.

Electric Sheep

syklops wrote: »

I wasn't suggesting she withold visitation "to get her own way". The situation is upsetting the children. A separation is hard enough for children without exacerbating the problem with giving them new toys at Christmas and not letting them keep them.

As I said, it doesnt need to be all or nothing but some kind of an agreement has to be made.

The OP does not get to change the visitation schedule based on her perception that the kids should get to bring home toys. This is not her call to make. If she wants to change visitation, she should go to court to do so. I would imagine she'd be laughed out of the court when she gives her reason.

stevek93

havana wrote: »

I think that's unfair. I don't see anything in the OP that implies this is about her- it sounds to me like she is genuinely upset for her children.

A gift is just that and once it's given it now belongs to that person and shouldn't come with conditions (obviously parents may need to put in 'rules' about use etc but that's not what I mean here). The gifts I got from my parents when I went to them a Christmas came home with me, not left there to only use when I next go to visit.

Of course there may be some larger items that it would be more convenient to leave there to play with when they visit. But smaller things, that they were probably excited to get and show off to friends etc, why can't they be brought with them on visits?

Really good advice there from ElleEm.

The mother should put on a positive note for the children's sake let them know it is somethings they can look forward to when they visit there daddy.

OP are the children allowed take toys with them when they are visiting the father?

ElleEm

Electric Sheep wrote: »

The OP does not get to change the visitation schedule based on her perception that the kids should get to bring home toys. This is not her call to make. If she wants to change visitation, she should go to court to do so. I would imagine she'd be laughed out of the court when she gives her reason.

I know of a couple going through the courts about access to their son and due to their petty squabbles, the judge has actually stipulated that they SHOULD have everything separate in their own homes for the child. Nothing is sent to either of the houses, each parent has their own clothes, toys and toiletries and food for the child.

I completely agree about the access rights. I'm sure the children are not as affected about this as their mother is. The kids have a right to see their dad, as much as he has a right to see them. I can't imagine they are so distraught about not getting to take gifts home that they would forfeit seeing their dad and grandmother over it.

freshpopcorn

I can understand where the dad/grandparents are coming from they just want to have stuff in the house for the kids to play with when they visit because if there house.
If the kids did bring the toys home they would probably be left at your house and then they would have nothing to play with at the grandparents.
I think you need to be the adult here and explain to your kids that they have one set of toys for there dads house and one set for your house.

CaraMay

So you expect him to buy them new toys every time they visit him??? Firstly that is not realistic financially and secondly they will end up being very spoilt kids with new toys every 2 weeks.

I really can't see the issue here and think you are making a huge deal out of something practical. As others have said it's your job to manage your kids expectations which will be a good lesson for the for the future

Electric Sheep

syklops wrote: »

I wasn't suggesting she withold visitation "to get her own way". The situation is upsetting the children. A separation is hard enough for children without exacerbating the problem with giving them new toys at Christmas and not letting them keep them.

As I said, it doesnt need to be all or nothing but some kind of an agreement has to be made.

The children ARE keeping the presents. They are keeping them at their father's house. I suspect this situation is not upsetting the children half as much as it is upsetting the mother, and she is the one exacerbating the problem.

clairefontaine

It is a gift or it isn't.

So I guess they are not gifts and should not be presented as such. If he/they want them to stay at their home, they should be presented as things purchased so the kids have something to play with when they visit.

A gift is yours to take, leave, do what you like with.

eviltwin

clairefontaine wrote: »

It is a gift or it isn't.

So I guess they are not gifts and should not be presented as such. If he/they want them to stay at their home, they should be presented as things purchased so the kids have something to play with when they visit.

A gift is yours to take, leave, do what you like with.

This.


I can see where posters who say the toys should say are coming from but the man should allow a little leeway if the children are getting upset. I cannot see why allowing each child to bring one toy home with on the condition it comes back on the next visit is such a problem for him. It's not ideal when children have two homes, especially when they are so young, a bit of compromise on both sides is needed.

freshpopcorn

clairefontaine wrote: »

A gift is yours to take, leave, do what you like with.

Sometimes a gift has conditions tough.
I know people when they were 17/18 their parents bought them cars. The cars were belong to the kids but they had conditions such as not being allowed to have more than two friends in the car at the one time/not allowed to go to certain places.
This time the condition of the gifts is that they have to stay in the dads/grandparents house.

Electric Sheep

eviltwin wrote: »

This.


I can see where posters who say the toys should say are coming from but the man should allow a little leeway if the children are getting upset. I cannot see why allowing each child to bring one toy home with on the condition it comes back on the next visit is such a problem for him. It's not ideal when children have two homes, especially when they are so young, a bit of compromise on both sides is needed.

I suspect because it would be one toy each visit that does NOT come back. I agree he is being a bit of a hard ass about it, but I wouldn't make it a hill to die on. Crying wolf over small disagreements like this will make the OP much less credible when there are larger more important parenting disagreements.