Children not allowed keep they're gifts

December2012

How about the dad and grandparents maybe want to keep the toy there because they want to play with it with the children?

When I buy presents for my kids I want to see if they're using it, if it's a good toy, what does it do, can we play it together.

I buy so that we can enjoy them together.

I really think you're making far too much out of this and it seems as if you are projecting your own feelings onto your children's relationship with their father.

dixiefly

I think a key issue here is the fact that the kids are only visiting the dad twice a month. That means that they kids only get access to the toys twice a month. Also, if they are visiting the dad, grandma and grandad then there may not be much time to play with those toys.

I think the OP should try and speak to the dad and agree that some toys can stay there and some come home and offer to also facilitate bringing some during the changeover. Children go through different phases liking different toys and they should be facilitated using them in both places. Remember the time that many toys are applicable to children is short and parents and grandparents should facilitate the kids to get maximum use out of the toys.

Ask to meet the dad separately away from either home and try and explain that the kids are upset and that you should both facilitate the management of he toys.

Personally I think its a bit ridiculous that the kids aren't allowed bring their toys with them but I suppose if no toys are at the other house and it isn't home there is a possibility that the kids might gradually not want to visit them. You could also say its a 1st world problem. You should try and compromise, however difficult that may be.

eviltwin

Electric Sheep wrote: »

I suspect because it would be one toy each visit that does NOT come back. I agree he is being a bit of a hard ass about it, but I wouldn't make it a hill to die on. Crying wolf over small disagreements like this will make the OP much less credible when there are larger more important parenting disagreements.

same could be said for him, seeing as she is the one who has to deal with the kids distress it wouldn't kill him to try meet her halfway

clairefontaine

He's only making himself look like an asshole.

He should have just bought a couple of things for the house, and the other things given as gifts for them to take or leave.

looksee

The father is not involved in this discussion, its the mother - the OP - who has issues. There is no point us saying the children should be allowed one toy or whatever, he is not involved. Quite likely its the grandparents who are making the rules anyway.

I am going to make a very unfashionable statement. There is no harm in children not getting what they want every time.

They are apparently happy to go to their father, which is great. He needs to be involved. If he is making rules about the toys and the mother responds calmly and firmly the children will not be psychologically damaged or disturbed. They may well grow up remembering their father as being stubborn and a distant figure, but as long as they have two loving, if separate, parents, that is all that matters.

I believe that if the OP dealt with the situation as I said before, by not getting involved in the father/grandparent's rules, is loving and tolerant and encourages the children to enjoy their toys in their separate houses the children will accept it. They will only be distressed if the mother encourages them to believe they are being badly treated.

There will be much more important issues in their future, this should not be blown out of proportion.

cyning

My dad did this... And I was a teenager. My brothers however were not and it was awful... You cannot give a child (or a teenager!) a present and then expect them to be "ok" with only having it twice a month. Seriously having separated parents can be hard enough without worrying about whos toys clothes etc belong where.

Op withholding access is not the way to deal with it, and neither is texts. You need to come to an agreement with your ex, and remember that it doesn't mean you getting your way or him getting his way. It's about your kids. Maybe suggest that they can bring home x toy that they really want and send it back every visit without fail for awhile, until he sees that they won't come to your house and disappear. Also maybe send them with a toy they really like from your house too... It's all about compromise.

Big Bag of Chips

The impression I'm getting is relations between you and him are very strained. There is little or no communication, and if there is it's strained.

I think you are bring unreasonable, and if you were my ex and dealt with me like that, I'd be ignoring you (and keeping stuff at my house!) too. There is no trust between you two. He doesn't trust you to send toys over with them, and you don't trust that his motives are anything other than selfish.

Our children take their cues from us. If they are scared, we play it down, we reassure them that there's nothing to be scared about and encourage them to do whatever it is. If they are sad, we hug them and try explain a situation and cheer them up.

I don't mean this to come across as harsh, but it sounds like you are the one making the situation worse for the children. Children adapt and accept things a lot quicker than adults do. At 5 and 7 it should be very easy to explain, and as others have suggested turn it in to a positive thing, that the stuff is in Dad's house. And they can look forward to playing with it when the go over. I'm sure they have loads of stuff at home, so aren't really "missing out".

My kids regularly get upset over little things. I find if I explain it away, or make the situation out to be less than they think it is, that it is very soon forgotten, and they are quickly distracted by something else.

You are making this a big deal. That is why it is a big deal to them. Your language and demands are way OTT for the situation. You have a lot of years ahead of you with their dad in your life. If this is how things are always going to be between you, neither of you trusting the other, you have a long long road ahead!

SparkySpitfire

Why is everyone making this an issue of Mom Vs Dad?

As the child of separated parents, they're supposed to be looking out for their children not trying to play games of I win, you lose with each other.

I think a lot of the posters here are trying to side with either parent and are forgetting about the children in this situation. They are the victims. "Oh it's not a big deal", how long ago were you a child? Maybe some of their favourite toys are the ones dad bought them but they can never play with them cos they're stuck in dad's house which they visit twice a month. It's making them have a negative association with dad's house, which is probably the opposite of what he's trying to do. It's clearly upsetting the kids and for the posters who are pushing these feelings aside, pull yourselves together, it's not only the parents that get hurt in separations.

And if it is such a small issue then why is there such a fuss? Why can't there be a reasonable discussion to keep a good amount of toys in Dads and let them bring their favourite ones home with them? They can then bring them up with them when they visit dad's to play with them there. And likewise bring some from home. Some poster suggested doing it gradually which could build trust and that seems like a good logical idea.

TLDR: too much parental power playing and taking sides going on in the debates here, not enough focus on the children.

clairefontaine

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

The impression I'm getting is relations between you and him are very strained. There is little or no communication, and if there is it's strained.

I think you are bring unreasonable, and if you were my ex and dealt with me like that, I'd be ignoring you (and keeping stuff at my house!) too. There is no trust between you two. He doesn't trust you to send toys over with them, and you don't trust that his motives are anything other than selfish.

Our children take their cues from us. If they are scared, we play it down, we reassure them that there's nothing to be scared about and encourage them to do whatever it is. If they are sad, we hug them and try explain a situation and cheer them up.

I don't mean this to come across as harsh, but it sounds like you are the one making the situation worse for the children. Children adapt and accept things a lot quicker than adults do. At 5 and 7 it should be very easy to explain, and as others have suggested turn it in to a positive thing, that the stuff is in Dad's house. And they can look forward to playing with it when the go over. I'm sure they have loads of stuff at home, so aren't really "missing out".

My kids regularly get upset over little things. I find if I explain it away, or make the situation out to be less than they think it is, that it is very soon forgotten, and they are quickly distracted by something else.

You are making this a big deal. That is why it is a big deal to them. Your language and demands are way OTT for the situation. You have a lot of years ahead of you with their dad in your life. If this is how things are always going to be between you, neither of you trusting the other, you have a long long road ahead!

Very soon forgotten. That's what you might like to think.

Many a child of divorce remember and recount the petty and not so petty **** that went on between the two homes.

username123

What type of gifts are we talking about?

Big Bag of Chips

Posters are making it Mom V Dad, because "Mom" and "Dad" are making it Mom V Dad. There seems to be a power struggle going on here. "Mom" thinks "Dad" is keeping the toys to be petty (he might have his own completely different reasons OR he might be petty!) "Dad" probably thinks "Mom" wants to have the toys at home as some sort of control over everything he does. He might think, 'I pay her maintenance, and now she wants the extra things I buy for the kids too.' Both are diggig their heals in and NEITHER are really, genuinely thinking of the kids... Because they are too focused on "winning" and getting their way above the other parent.

If they were both genuine in putting the kids first, they would speak civilly face to face. But they are not. They are sniping, sending aggressive texts (considering if there's anything '"legally" they can do) and not engaging with each other at all.

Nobody said separation is easy. But too often parents complicate things and expect children to understand the complexities. Kids are kids. They don't need to be involved.

I don't think either parent here is necessarily right or wrong in their point of view... They are just VERY wrong in how they are dealing with each other about it.

People are replying to the mother on what she can do to resolve the situation. If the dad posted, he would probably be offered different advice. But the mother only has control over herself... So advising her to demand the toys be sent or whatever is futile, if the father has no intention of agreeing to it.

So the only advice people can offer is suggest sharing the toys between houses (but the dad may not agree, so that advice would be moot) or make the best of the situation and put a positive spin on it for the kids' sake.

Arguing amongst themselves will achieve nothing. And the kids will continue to feel upset unless someone makes a change in how they are handling it. If the dad doesn't (and he's not on here asking what he should do, so it's not looking likely that he's going to change anytime soon) then the mam has to. And the only thing she can change, at the moment, is how she reacts when the kids get upset.

angelfire9

My suggestion..
Buy each child a backpack
Make a rule that each child can put four toys in the bag at any one time
So going from Mothers house to dad they bring 4 toys max
Returning to mothers house after the weekend they bring 4 toys max
It shouldn't matter who bought what toy when
Kids chop and change favourite toys all the time
Sometimes toys bought by the mother will end up staying over @ dad's house and vice versa
Some toys are big some small so most kids will probably pick one big thing & 3 smallies for the bag
Less chance of big expensive toys getting lost too


What not to do:
1) Don't issue ultimatums you will get no where in the long run
2) Don't use this issue to change/vary existing access arrangements
3) never ever criticise your ex or his family in front of your kids.. Children are like elephants they never forget!

skit490

backpack is a great idea. def talk in person or on phone n explain your feelings thst the children dont understand being asked to leave their toys behind. can see the wanting to get to enjoy toys he bought (as they might be bored of he toys when next he see them) he back pack idea takes away the mum vs dads house toys which is good n gives he child ownership of th toys enablin him / her to leave them behind. also agree with others in no way should u deny access to punish yhe dad. in some ways not being adult enough to ensure you and the dad find a way to communicate for the kids sake is being cruel to the kids in itself.

angelfire9 wrote: »

My suggestion..
Buy each child a backpack
Make a rule that each child can put four toys in the bag at any one time
So going from Mothers house to dad they bring 4 toys max
Returning to mothers house after the weekend they bring 4 toys max
It shouldn't matter who bought what toy when
Kids chop and change favourite toys all the time
Sometimes toys bought by the mother will end up staying over @ dad's house and vice versa
Some toys are big some small so most kids will probably pick one big thing & 3 smallies for the bag
Less chance of big expensive toys getting lost too


What not to do:
1) Don't issue ultimatums you will get no where in the long run
2) Don't use this issue to change/vary existing access arrangements
3) never ever criticise your ex or his family in front of your kids.. Children are like elephants they never forget!

Xidu

This is just my opinion. I think when your kids cried to you, maybe you can tell them that next time when they go back, they can play with the toys again, its like new toys to them every time they go to their dad's house. Plus you have a lot of toys at home anyway. Try to bring up the bright side instead of feeling sad with kids. For long term ship, kids can learn how to cop on with things they dont like to happen.

Orion

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Nobody said separation is easy. But too often parents complicate things and expect children to understand the complexities. Kids are kids. They don't need to be involved.

This is exactly what I was thinking just reading the OP. If the kids are upset about what they perceive as Indian giving then tell the father that and see if it can be worked out to the kids' satisfaction. The only losers here are the children - but they could be the winners with just a little communication.

pwurple

That situation actually seems normal enough to me. Both sets of my childs grandparents gave her christmas gifts, and we left them all at their houses, as we always do. She plays with them when she visits, usually once a week or once a fornight. It's the same for the gifts they gave her cousins. Exceptions were clothes... But that's it. Books, games, toys, a bike... All stay there.

I suppose maybe because it hasn't always been the way for OP, but I wouldn't bat an eyelid at it.

silly

Bottom line is, if its upsetting the kids then something needs to be done.
You need to speak with the father and try and come up with a compromise - maybe let them take one or 2 toys with them each time, on the basis that they will bring them back on the next visit and take another one when going home.

Sleepy

Being a good parent sometimes involves upsetting children. I think that fact is forgotten far too often and can only see it resulting in entitled young adults who think they're the centre of the universe. What needs to be done here imo, is the mother needs to realise this and support the father in his decision.

OP: it's perfectly reasonable for your childrens father to insist that gifts he has bought them are to be kept in his house. What are they meant to play with when they're there otherwise?

My step-son would have toys that are kept in ours and others that are kept in his Dad's. Occasionally some toys might move between the two homes but it'd be the exception rather than the rule and there are some items (e.g. the tablet Santa brought him) that he would never be allowed to bring to his Dad's house. In the case of the tablet it'd be down to his Dad's girlfriend having a 3 year old that couldn't be trusted to be near such an expensive and delicate toy and neither of the adults in the house having the technical wherewithal to ensure that nothing unsuitable was accessed on that tablet (his girlfriend is the sort who'd give him the access PIN instead of reviewing what he was looking for etc.). On the other hand he'd have some huge jigsaws in his Dad's house that they build together which would never come down to our house as (a)it's become something of a father-son thing an (b) we don't have a dining table where they could be left out until they're completed (can sometimes take days etc.).

December2012

silly wrote: »

Bottom line is, if its upsetting the kids then something needs to be done.
.

Maybe it's the parents who are upsetting the kids with leading questions?

freshpopcorn

silly wrote: »

Bottom line is, if its upsetting the kids then something needs to be done.

Children do get upset from time to time. It would be very bad for the children to give into them every time they were upset because they will think that if they want something all they have to do is to be upset.

Big Bag of Chips

silly wrote: »

Bottom line is, if its upsetting the kids then something needs to be done.

That's a little bit simplistic. Obviously if kids are upset over something significant, then it needs to be addressed. Like if they only visit their dad twice a month, and the entire time they are there, he is gone to work/pub/out whatever that is something that would need to be changed.

But leaving toys behind isn't a significant "something needs to be done" scenario, in my opinion. You say, OP, that you separated from their dad when they were very small - so this isn't new to the kids. They have grown up leaving the toys in their Nanny's house. So at this stage, they should be getting used to the way things are, and so should you.

It's not like they are leaving fantastic toys at their dad's and coming home to an empty house staring at blank walls. Sometimes our kids will cry over things. Sometimes they will want something that they simply can't have. Sometimes we will upset them by saying "No".

When your daughter asked

Daisy33 wrote: »

why do those people give me presents and then keep them

it was the perfect opportunity for you to explain why her dad keeps them at his house - So that she can have a selection of toys in both houses to play with. And instead of bringing over toys from her own house that she is used to and might be getting a bit bored of, when she goes to her dad's house she can really enjoy those toys, because they will be something different to what she has at home "How exciting" (said very enthusiastically!!)

On an aside, did she use the phrase "those people" or did you paraphrase? It's just sounds strange that a 7 year old would use that sort of language about her dad and Nanny, unless she doesn't really know them at all.

But I think talk of "cruel behaviour" and "sending your children to an environment that plays with their minds" is you being over emotional about this, rather than the kids!

Electric Sheep

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

On an aside, did she use the phrase "those people" or did you paraphrase? It's just sounds strange that a 7 year old would use that sort of language about her dad and Nanny, unless she doesn't really know them at all.

But I think talk of "cruel behaviour" and "sending your children to an environment that plays with their minds" is you being over emotional about this, rather than the kids!

I wondered about that too, strange phrasing for a 7 year old referring to her father and grandparents.

Ash.J.Williams

i'm confused too, a 7 year old would be aware of the situation.

lucky333

If its a particular toy the child is upset about and wants that much why not just buy another to have in the child's home.
The dad bought the toys and wants to have them there for when the kids come up, understandable. Kids want the toys at home, understandable.. Nobody is right or wrong here. I would forget about fighting it and find a solution like buying the toys..

qdawg86

stevek93 wrote: »

Oh for god sake, all the father wants to do is have something for the children to play with when the come over to visit. Women are all the same, they will end up with a netigate attitude towards the father when they grow up.

The way you have a negative attitude towards women ?