School decision...different posts of the country

Stepping Stone

anmhi02 wrote: »

That's my initial gut feeling too, unfortunately my OH lives on the home farm with his elderly dad so it isn't possible for him to move.

Thanks so much for your reply

Is this possibly part of the reason for the upset? Your son will not only have to change school, leave family and friends but he will have to go and live in another person's house, with an elderly person, on a farm. This presumably will be a huge change for him.

I understand where your son and your OH are coming from, but I can all too well understand the panic and fear your son must be feeling.

lazygal

At your son's age I can see why he doesn't want to up and move. He's got a settled life and now he's not only seeing his mother with a new partner but moving into this partner's home town and family home. I'd find it daunting to move to a new place where I knew no one and had to not only deal with a new partner but to live in someone else's home with their extended family. I can easily see how a 12 year old think he's being moved from a life he's happy with to one where he's expected to slot into someone else's life.


Not sure what advice I can give OP but even as an adult I'd find it hard to have to up sticks and move in with someone's elderly parents in a place I had no connection too.

anmhi02

Again...thanks so much to you all for you're replies! My fiancée and I are going to the open night in the school here tonight, so hopefully today will change things in his mind. Just to clarify, I can't stress enough how great my son and OH get on, sometimes I feel like the outsider with them :-) . The same goes for my future father in law and the rest of my in laws to be. They couldn't be more welcoming our nicer to either of us. We are so so lucky I'm that regard so there isn't an issue with my son and my fiancé or his family.
I have to admit I am inclining towards letting him go to school here, I will stay in my house as often ad possible and when I can't he can stay with his grand parents and back up to my OH place at weekends, holidays etc. it'll be more or less like we are doing now...except I'll be married :-)

meeeeh

Where I am coming from the school choice is based on academic achievement and interests. Out of about 120 kids in my primary school three of us went to the same high school. Some picked a school that nobody they knew went to. This really isn't overly hard, you make new friends quickly. Plus if your son has no friends in locality, what will he do during weekends? It might happen that he will want to stay with grand parents all the time. The best for your son is not to keep old friends it is to successfully integrate into new environment.

Big Bag of Chips

meeeeh wrote: »

... if your son has no friends in locality, what will he do during weekends? It might happen that he will want to stay with grand parents all the time. The best for your son is not to keep old friends it is to successfully integrate into new environment.

That is a very valid point, OP. It may well end up that your son never moves in with you! That he never lives with you and your new husband? He will be going off to college in 5 years anyway. Personally, I would move and bring my child with me. As others have said - he'd be starting a new school anyway. There's no guarantee he will end up in the same class as his cousins/friends, so will end up making new friends in school regardless of whether or not his cousins and friends are there.

At 12/13 lots of kids move to a new school without bringing their friends and family with them.

If you are serious about being a family, then you all need to be in the same place.

_Kaiser_

I agree with Izzy above that it should be the OP making this decision at the end of the day subject to what's best for their family as a whole.

Kids adapt. When I was 9 we moved to Holland and while there I changed school 3 times. When we came home 3 years later I changed schools twice and then went to a different secondary school than the rest of my friends, but I made new friends.

While I think it's a good thing that kids are involved in these decisions, ultimately the final say lies with the OP and her partner and if it means her son has to move schools because it's the better choice for the 3 of them then that's life to be honest.

titchy

I can't advise you op, but I'll try to offer my views on kids as they get older.

At twelve a lot of kids are great and it's hard to imagine who they'll be once they turn 13 , 14, 15...,and so on. Noone has a crystal ball and it's very hard to imagine the changes that can occur in a couple of short years.

A very good point that was made too was about summers and weekends etc being spent with you and your new husband.
As they grow teenagers have great social lives, maybe your son will join a football club, gaa, scouts...join a band, take up a martial art, who knows ?

Then there'll be the trips to the cinema or
Birthday parties, or just hanging out playing xbox, he won't want to miss out on any of it.

It's a tough call to make the only advice I would give is if you are going to move him do it before he starts 1st year so everyone is going into new school new class all in the same boat.
Best of luck with whatever decision you come to.

Big Bag of Chips

No child is going to be happy moving house.. but plenty do it, and they adapt and get on with it.

Of course there will be tears, and he will be upset... I went to Irish college for 3 weeks at 12, 13 & 15 and cried like a baby going home each time, distraught at the thought of leaving all my new 'friends'! (I can't even remember most of their names now )

I know ultimately it is your decision, but you are allowing guilt to make that decision for you rather than common sense.

dianec401

I have to echo Big Bag of Chips advice.

I am not a mother but I too had to move a couple of times when I was a child and teenager and whilst it wasn't easy at the time, I did settle into my new home, connected with new people and importantly learned valuable life lessons in adjusting to change and making new friends (great skills when changing jobs etc).

Your parents might be very happy to mind their grandson now but over the next 5 years your son will change a lot. What happens if he starts playing up (as even the best teenagers do)? It's a much bigger 'ask' getting grandparents to negotiate with after a stroppy 16 year old who wants to stay out late for example. Will they be happy living with the tantrums and mood swings, the rudeness and lack of communication that most parents have to endure at some point during the teenage years?

You have met a man who you love and who seems to be a wonderful role model for your son with inlaws who are supportive and warm. You know your son and your circumstances best but I really think the ideal place for your son is with his mum and her husband to be. Some posters are concerned he will feel sidelined in this new chapter in your life - but just think how much worse it would be if he wasn't even living with you?

I think a compromise will only give you the worst of both worlds - you'll miss your son when he's staying with family, your husband may end up resenting all the nights you stay away (if you keep on your old house) and your son won't want to spend holidays or weekends at the farm - he will want to be town with his new secondary school mates, 40 miles away.

Whereas if you settle him into a new school now (perfect timing as so much will have to change for him anyway), he's living in a stable family home with you and your partner, with regular visits to all his cousins and family and a new gang of mates in the area in which he's living. I think it's worth a shot. No pain, no gain.

Good luck whatever you decide - I know it must be a very difficult decision for you and very hard to see your child upset. So I do understand how torn you must be about it.

amandaf675

Im not gonna give you advise because tbh I dont know what Id do in that situation but I will say that my brother, sister and myself all went to the schools our primary school friends were going to and I can honestly say, we dont spreak to any of them anymore. We all made new friends and our old friends made new friends so we just drifted apart as we got older! and I think if i could do it again, I would go to the school none of my friends wen to

Tim Robbins

Jaysus - this is a tough one. I wouldn't move. What you could do is head up there for weekends etc maybe your son might make a few buddies up there and then move up.

Otherwise - OH could come down at weekends or whenever suits and when your son is older and going to college or working you could move up.

Sligo1

Tim Robbins wrote: »

Jaysus - this is a tough one. I wouldn't move. What you could do is head up there for weekends etc maybe your son might make a few buddies up there and then move up.

Otherwise - OH could come down at weekends or whenever suits and when your son is older and going to college or working you could move up.

Gosh I'd absolutely hate to live apart from my husband 5 days of the week. What would be the point of getting married if you couldn't make a secure family unit under the same roof with your husband and child?

anmhi02

Morning all,
Once again thank you all so much for you're input and help. Update is that we have decided to send him to the school down here.
Many factors were taken into account but on further investigation the school up the county is an all boys school, it also doesn't do woodwork or metal work which I know my son loves, but the school down here does plus its a mixed school.
We have also decided that at weekend and holidays etc he will come up to my fiances home place. During the school week he will stay either in my house as I plan on staying at least two nights during the week down here after we get married and the other nights with my parents. My house is literally five mins walk from my parents and this is more our less what he does now anyway.
It will take a bit of fine tuning but WE, and not my son, have come to this decision. I do want him to be happy and thrive in school but also to be part of the new family unit but also keep in touch with his other family thathave been they're for him through the tough times.

Again, thanks so much to everyone for you're help and advice. Its very much appreciated x