3 Y/O Boy very affectionate with Strangers' Kids

xzanti

My 3 year old is a very loving and sociable little boy.. He's an only child and the youngest of all his cousins so he gets lots of hugs and kisses from them all the time, which is great..

The thing is, he's also very affectionate with kids he's never met before.. I've seen him go up to kids at the local play center and start trying to hug them, some are gracious and hug back but some get freaked out and can even push him away which as every parent knows, can be very unpleasant to watch.

He's in Play school 3 days a week since December so I'm hoping he'll just learn how to socialise in a more, refined manner

I actually had an incident earlier today that upset me, which spurred me to write this..

We were in our local takeaway and there was an older man with a little girl of around my Sons age, I'm assuming he was her grandfather.. as usual he went over to her all smiles and tried to shake her hand.. she was obviously a shy little girl and wasn't up for it.. but of course my Son kept at and took her by the hand.. very gently I might add.. not upsetting her or anything, she just looked a bit bemused..

Then the man started ushering him away from her I was mortified.. then he turns to me and says "They must have no girls in his school or something?

I'm not sure what the man thought my 3 year old was going to do to her that was so bad that he had to usher him away! But sure that's neither here nor there..

/Rant

Anyone else ever have this problem how do you teach a 3 year old to hold back on the hugs? I don't want him to think it's bad to be nice to people..

Help!

pwurple

Chalk that down to a weirdo grandfather.

My little girl is reasonably stand-off-ish, will take a while to get to know someone before she interacts with them at all. But children often come up to her in playgrounds and either want hugs, or the opposite, randomly push her over.

Sligo1

Poor little mite. The grandad was OTT. I remember a little girl kept on coming over to my 1 YO at a play cafe and kissing him. I thought it was the cutest thing ever. First kiss at 1 yo! Lol.

I'm sure he will learn etc at his play school. But he sounds a delightful wee boy :-)

Pro Hoc Vice

This post makes me a little sad. What world are we giving to little children if they are taught that showing affection is in some way wrong. I hope OP your little boy keeps his lovely personality as long as possible, it's a sad sad world if a 3 year old can't show a bit of affection to a other child.

sillysmiles

xzanti wrote: »

how do you teach a 3 year old to hold back on the hugs?

Personally I think you don't.
Unfortunately, in time and with experience, he will realise that not everyone is as loving or open as he is. Let him embrace the innocence now!

Maybe talk to him/prepare him that not everyone will let him hug and that's ok too. Some people will be friends in different ways?

xzanti

infosys wrote: »

This post makes me a little sad.

Not as sad as it makes me I can assure you.. I was completely taken aback by the man's reaction..

I've been in situations before in Doctor waiting rooms etc, where he'll make a connection with another child and the other Parent will always encourage the encounter, even if the child is shy..

I was was totally thrown today.. and I'm raging with myself that I didn't say something to him.. I just wanted to ground to open up at the time..

_Whimsical_

Aww how sweet and how sad. Poor little guy he sounds absolutely adorable. That man was extremely rude and his reaction was totally unnecessary.

Maybe to try and save him unpleasant encounters you could maybe encourage him to approach people a little differently,tell him that his hugs are wonderful but some people are shy and it's best to say hello to new people or share a toy or a sweet before hugging and that once they know him a little they will love his hugs? I would feel there'd have to be a positive way to approach it and still encourage such a lovely loving trait. I don't think that there's anything wrong with what he is doing at all.It's in no way inappropriate but I would rather see you approach it positively with him and try to retain those beautiful qualities than leave it to other little kids in playschool who might cause him upset or make him feel he needs to back away entirely.

clairefontaine

I largely agree with you that touch among children has been made perverted and pathologised by a nervous adult population. Who exactly has the dirty mind?

On the other hand, when I have taught my own little one about "touch" and that is any kind of touch, not just private areas, that if he is uncomfortable receiving a hug or kiss from anyone, or a tickle up the shirt, that he doesn't have to accept it. And just as he doesn't have to accept others touches, they don't have to accept his either.

It's a lesson in boundaries. I know at three they are innocent and it's hard to understand especially if its coming from a pure place, but it's an important one.

LegacyUser

My little girl is the same, she's only one but she gets so excited and runs over to other kids shouting hiya and wanting to play. I have to judge the parent and child's reaction as I want her to be happy and friendly but I dont want her to be bothering people either. soooo if the other child stares her down or the parent doesn't acknowledge the interaction I lead her off to something else. Now this is normally in a playgroup or something so its pretty easy to move her on, in a chipper it would be harder but to be honest when the girl didn't respond to his chatter I would've called him over or distracted him before the narky grandad got his oar in.
As for him ,
Maybe hes one of those people who doesn't like any kids not blood related to him or he's not used to seeing kids play together.
Maybe the girl has a temper or cries easily and he got stuck bringing her to the chipper when he really wants to be home reading the paper or maybe he's afraid of being the stranger talking to the little boy
Whatever the reason it doesn't matter cant get inside peoples heads - put it is devastating to see your child go running up to someone so excited and good natured only to be greeted by a sour puss

I just try and read the signals from the other party and intervene when necessary. Its sad but usually its the other parent who's mortified their child wont play but I always dread the one like the grandad in your story too.

sillysocks

My little girl who's three as well is a bit like that too. Loves other kids and is always running right over to kids and asking them name or other questions, and sometimes trying to touch their arm etc. I just tell her to come back a little bit because the other boy/girl might not like it. I get the usual 'why' and just say they might not like it and to step back a little bit.
She doesn't fully understand that not all kids are dying to talk to her, I can see some kids shrinking back when she goes straight up talking to them and wouldn't like to upset a shy child or anything. That granddad was definitely ott though!

She's delighted with herself when a child talks back!

January

My 5 year old is very affectionate and runs over and gives people hugs all the time... I try to explain that some people might not want a hug but she still does it!

xzanti

Thanks everyone for the replies

anonamammy wrote: »

when the girl didn't respond to his chatter I would've called him over or distracted him before the narky grandad got his oar in.

Yeah, I see what you mean, but this all happened very quickly, I did call him back over but he just smiled at me as if to say.. "it's ok Mammy, I got this".. bless him.. and I didn't want to actually go over and physically move him.. I think that would have been worse for everybody..

I'm guessing these are the sort of situations that I'll just have to get used to as a parent.. nobody said it was easy

Cheers

axel rose

I'll probably be the worst in the world for saying this.....but why the hell didn't you redirect your child away from the family when you knew they didn't want to entertain your son? Your son is the centre of your world- and nothing more than 'some kid' to every body else.

Yes, I would have found your son cute, but no one else is obliged to think the same. As the mother of a 5 year old who is the same- I am very aware that some people don't want a strange kid wandering up to them, and I always watch for the cues.

You need to teach your son that this is not ok in the real world.

And for the record, I think that the grandads comment was odd.

xzanti

axel rose wrote: »

I'll probably be the worst in the world for saying this.....

Not at all I asked for peoples input.

axel rose wrote: »

but why the hell didn't you redirect your child away from the family when you knew they didn't want to entertain your son?

I did mention that this happened in a chipper?.. we're talking about a very small area.. not really anywhere to redirect him too..

I also mentioned that I did gesture for him to come back over to me when I saw that the child was shy.. This all happened in the space of about a minute.. as soon as the gentleman said what he said I took my Son over on my lap for the rest of the waiting time.

axel rose wrote: »

Your son is the centre of your world- and nothing more than 'some kid' to every body else.

Oh I'm very aware of this.. and tbh I'm quite a reserved person myself.. it actually pushes me out of my own comfort zone when other peoples kids come over to us, but I always make the effort to welcome them and encourage him to socialise.

Like many others, I am new to all this.. he is my first child so I'm just learning as I go..

Big Bag of Chips

When my daughter was 2 she would do this.... Except she would do it with adults! We were in the supermarket one day and she was beside me. Next thing I knew she had wandered down to a woman who was at the other end of the aisle, bent down looking at something on the bottom shelf, and threw her arms around her. The woman got a fright, obviously worried that I'd think she had somehow 'lured' her. And I got a fright wondering how the woman would react! Luckily, after the original shock she was very nice about it.

Another day she was chatting to an elderly man. I was standing right beside her. He was saying how friendly she was and I said I have to be careful with hee because she'd be gone with someone. He said she probably wouldn't go far before she'd rush back. I told him she'd be gone and wouldn't even look back. So he took her by the hand and started to walk off to see what she'd do, and off she toddled chatting away to him!

She was too young to explain dangers to her, and at that age it was my responsibility to keep her safe and steer her, rather than expect her to be aware of the dangers.

She's now 6 and will still smile and wave at people, mostly childen. And loves to make new friends... But she is more reserved than she used to be. But is still a lovely, loving child who regularly comes back to me in the playground telling me "I've made 2 new friends"...etc. She has a lovely, open, friendly personality and I would never try to change that. She has maybe gotten slightly more shy, or maybe more "aware", I don't know, as she got older. But her underlying personality is still very loving and very affectionate, and very trusting! (I have a 5 year old boy who is suspicious of everyone.. that's because he doesn't like to share, and thinks that any child who is nice to him is just after something he owns :P )

Don't stop him. But get better at reading others and steer him or distract him if you think he is going to get a negative response. As for kids not reciprocating in the playground, that wouldn't bother me. It plays on your mind, but you can be absolutely certain that he's not that bothered! In time he'll figure it all out himself.

sillysmiles

I personally think it is a little sad that reserved and quiet and unobtrusive is what we are aiming for kids to be. Surely the world would be a better place with happy open affectionate people?

General/naval gazing question.

xzanti

sillysmiles wrote: »

I personally think it is a little sad that reserved and quiet and unobtrusive is what we are aiming for kids to be.

I can't speak for others, but I'm certainly not trying to make my little lad quiet or reserved.. As I said, I am reserved and shy by nature myself, and it has dogged me since I was a child.. I hate being shy.. which is why I always welcome opportunities for him to socialise and try to put my own shyness to the back of my mind..

I guess it's all just trial and error

sillysmiles wrote: »

Surely the world would be a better place with happy open affectionate people?

Of course.. In an ideal world

sillysmiles

Caveate: I don't have kids but it is something I've thought about and trying to ensure my kids are happy and chatty is important to me. As an adult being able to talk - even what some people would call inane chit chat - is massively important to me. Beung able to talk comfortably in an situation is so important and makes life easier.

Xzanti-your little fella sound a like a pure dote and more of what is needed!

Tim Robbins

xzanti wrote: »

My 3 year old is a very loving and sociable little boy.. He's an only child and the youngest of all his cousins so he gets lots of hugs and kisses from them all the time, which is great..

The thing is, he's also very affectionate with kids he's never met before.. I've seen him go up to kids at the local play center and start trying to hug them, some are gracious and hug back but some get freaked out and can even push him away which as every parent knows, can be very unpleasant to watch.

He's in Play school 3 days a week since December so I'm hoping he'll just learn how to socialise in a more, refined manner

I actually had an incident earlier today that upset me, which spurred me to write this..

We were in our local takeaway and there was an older man with a little girl of around my Sons age, I'm assuming he was her grandfather.. as usual he went over to her all smiles and tried to shake her hand.. she was obviously a shy little girl and wasn't up for it.. but of course my Son kept at and took her by the hand.. very gently I might add.. not upsetting her or anything, she just looked a bit bemused..

Then the man started ushering him away from her I was mortified.. then he turns to me and says "They must have no girls in his school or something?

I'm not sure what the man thought my 3 year old was going to do to her that was so bad that he had to usher him away! But sure that's neither here nor there..

/Rant

Anyone else ever have this problem how do you teach a 3 year old to hold back on the hugs? I don't want him to think it's bad to be nice to people..

Help!

Pity your child doesn't live out our way. I am getting sick of rough kids who just want to hit others.

IvyTheTerrible

In the creche my son goes to, there are some kids who are very affectionate (I think it's very cute). The creche's policy is not to tell the kids that hug not to do it, but to tell the child on the receiving end to say "No" or "I don't want to" if they don't want a hug, instead of hitting or pushing the other child away. I think it's a lovely way to deal with it. My son is a bit reserved to he doesn't spontaneously give hugs but for some reason other kids love coming up to him and giving him kisses. He loves it! (And actually I've noticed that he's become more huggy with us since he started creche!)

anncoates

Both my sons were/are very affectionate too although as they get older they're not hugging as much as they were especially the eldest since he started school. Treasure it while you can.

The grandfather in your story just sounds like a repressed jerk and I wouldn't pay any heed.