Dating Agencies

Katgurl

How can you have such a strong opinion on something you know very little about?

Anyway, you pay the money, do an interview then get a call some time later with information about your first introduction; first name, age, profession, some hobbies. Then the guy phones and schedules a date. After the first date there is supposed to be a feedback session but it didn't happen which annoyed me and now I've lost all faith in the agency as I don't think they've any interest on a personal level.

I've been on two dates, the first one we went for lunch and a walk, the second one for a couple of drinks. Both times the guys paid which I didn't expect but appreciated. They were both in the right demographic in terms of age, career level, attitude but just as individuals not for me chemistry-wise. They were however certainly closer to the mark than the ten million online dates I've been on, definitely not cunning or whatever other adjective you used to describe them and they were two very enjoyable meetings.

LordNorbury

Katgurl wrote: »

How can you have such a strong opinion on something you know very little about?

Anyway, you pay the money, do an interview then get a call some time later with information about your first introduction; first name, age, profession, some hobbies. Then the guy phones and schedules a date. After the first date there is supposed to be a feedback session but it didn't happen which annoyed me and now I've lost all faith in the agency as I don't think they've any interest on a personal level.

I've been on two dates, the first one we went for lunch and a walk, the second one for a couple of drinks. Both times the guys paid which I didn't expect but appreciated. They were both in the right demographic in terms of age, career level, attitude but just as individuals not for me chemistry-wise. They were however certainly closer to the mark than the ten million online dates I've been on, definitely not cunning or whatever other adjective you used to describe them and they were two very enjoyable meetings.

I don't particularly have a strong opinion on any of the current subject. I don't know how you have been on ten million online dates apparently and yet can't find a single guy you have a mutual attraction with and have something in common with, but this isn't a thread about online dating. Leaving that aside, there is nothing a dating/introduction agency brings to the table that really improves your odds here, it is just a different route to the very same market, and there is certainly nothing a dating agency can bring to the table, in my opinion, that can justify a spend of 650 Euro for 5 dates.

I fully respect your choice to give a dating/introduction a try, but I just have to give my own opinion as a guy, it is one of the last things I think I would ever do and it is not because of the costs involved, which I think are fairly outrageous in this day and age given the well known complexities that are involved in human attraction and romance, I just don't see how someone else making an introduction between two people improves the chances of finding chemistry with another person on the day.

There is no getting away from this, finding chemistry/romance, 'that spark', whatever you want to call it, it is trial and error in my opinion (I'm not stating this as a fact by the way, although the experiences of many people I think will have borne this reality out), but there is no avoiding it, or getting other people to take the sting out of it for you, some people get very lucky and find this in their younger years (this happened to me), and they are loved up all through their teens and 20's and into their 30's, some stay together, many don't, and have to begin the process of finding someone all over again maybe at a time in their life when it doesn't suit them to have to do this.

But as for throwing money at the problem via a dating/introduction agency, hand on heart, I'd rather stay single for the rest of my life than face going down that road. And those are the words of a single guy, so I'm pretty much in the same boat as you, although I clearly have very different views on the viability of third parties when it comes to finding romance.

ILikeBananas

I listen to NewsTalk a lot and hear one agency who have a really irritating ad (which includes a really smug sounding pensioner called 'George'). I've often wondered how their business worked but pretty much suspected that there'd be little or no advanced matching going on.

I'm a 32 year old male and have tried both speed dating and on-line dating but, like LordNorbury, there's no way on earth I'd pay €500 up front for a set of dates. I know that we are only a sample of two but I wonder is this attitude more prevalent in men and that's why they have such a shortage of males on their books.

Sure just think about the experience where a good friend says "I know someone who'd be perfect for you" and 9 times out of 10 they'll be anything but. Now that's your friend who knows you and has your best interest at heart. I can't imagine an agency doing any better and when you factor in the financial incentives for them of generating dates it'll more than likely be much worse.

Emme

ILikeBananas wrote: »

I listen to NewsTalk a lot and hear one agency who have a really irritating ad (which includes a really smug sounding pensioner called 'George'). I've often wondered how their business worked but pretty much suspected that there'd be little or no advanced matching going on.

I know the ad you're talking about and it annoys me as well! I was thinking no wonder yer man is saying "great service!" He's probably getting so many fillies thrown at him he hasn't stopped servicing since he joined the agency. There's a 50 something man in the same ad who says he met his "perfect partner" through the agency. Again no wonder, they're probably sending him dates conveyor belt style and he's shouting "NEXT!" like a Hollywood casting agent on coke if the date has a hair out of place. A 30 year old woman in the ad says she met her boyfriend through the agency - I wonder if he went to school with her ma and her pa like the guy in the song "the oldest swinger in town".

All jokes aside I'm sure the dating agency concerned is very professional but if people are saying there's a shortage of eligible men joining then how can they set women up on dates? Do they send one man on an infinite number of dates? Do they try to keep the men on their books for as long as possible so they can keep sending the hapless women on "dates" while the poor men are cross-eyed and jaded from squiring an endless series of women?

LordNorbury

Emme wrote: »

I know the ad you're talking about and it annoys me as well! I was thinking no wonder yer man is saying "great service!" He's probably getting so many fillies thrown at him he hasn't stopped servicing since he joined the agency. There's a 50 something man in the same ad who says he met his "perfect partner" through the agency. Again no wonder, they're probably sending him dates conveyor belt style and he's shouting "NEXT!" like a Hollywood casting agent on coke if the date has a hair out of place. A 30 year old woman in the ad says she met her boyfriend through the agency - I wonder if he went to school with her ma and her pa like the guy in the song "the oldest swinger in town".

All jokes aside I'm sure the dating agency concerned is very professional but if people are saying there's a shortage of eligible men joining then how can they set women up on dates? Do they send one man on an infinite number of dates? Do they try to keep the men on their books for as long as possible so they can keep sending the hapless women on "dates" while the poor men are cross-eyed and jaded from squiring an endless series of women?

I think on this particular subject of dating agencies, men and women have VERY different views. As the last poster said, he wouldn't pay €500 quid for 5 dates, I certainly wouldn't and it is no exaggeration to say that I can't think of one single guy I know who would be prepared to part with €500 quid for a series of dates. So I don't know how these agencies are finding men for dates, unless they are letting the men join for free. There are a small cohort of men who may be prepared to pay €500 for 5 dates I think but these would be guys who for whatever reason (looks or difficult personalities), can't get a date through any other means, men who you wouldn't want to end up on a date with anyway.

I have a strong suspicion that men on the books of these agencies are being recycled on dates at a high rate and may even be getting paid to engage with the dating machine on behalf of the agency. I know it sounds like a huge sweeping assumption but I just don't believe that any single guy on the dating scene these days will throw €500 at getting dates, not unless he looks like the back of a bus or has some other major problem finding a date.

LordNorbury

I'm so curious about this now I might contact an agency to see what terms they are offering men, as I strongly suspect it is not the same deal which is being offered to women.

The Corinthian

LordNorbury wrote: »

I think on this particular subject of dating agencies, men and women have VERY different views. As the last poster said, he wouldn't pay €500 quid for 5 dates, I certainly wouldn't and it is no exaggeration to say that I can't think of one single guy I know who would be prepared to part with €500 quid for a series of dates.

You might not, and it would less usual for men to do so, but such men exist.

While the cliche of the ticking biological clock is typically attributed as a female trait, I've seen it occur to men over the years. It is with such men that you'll see male sign ups to such agencies as what these agencies promise is the streamlined search for someone to settle down with and start a family.

No one signs up for €500 to get laid. Or to have a few dates. Or a relationship that may last a few months or years. They sign up so they never have to look again. They sign up to find 'the one' with whom they'll have a family. And while less common, I have no doubt that there are men signing up to such services out there too, although far fewer than women.

Emme

LordNorbury wrote: »

I'm so curious about this now I might contact an agency to see what terms they are offering men, as I strongly suspect it is not the same deal which is being offered to women.

One agency (no longer in existence) openly offered men a more favourable deal than women. They explained that more women were signing up because women were more proactive on the dating scene than men. Perhaps, but I think numbers and demographics have more to do with it. They also asked women to recommend the agency to their single male friends and any women who got a man to sign up got a slightly more favourable deal as a reward.

Some agencies don't overtly offer men a better deal but they definitely make it as attractive as possible for men to stay around. I wonder if they match the men with women who fit some but not all of their requirements and offer free dates in a bid to keep them on the agency's books.

LordNorbury

The Corinthian wrote: »

You might not, and it would less usual for men to do so, but such men exist.

While the cliche of the ticking biological clock is typically attributed as a female trait, I've seen it occur to men over the years. It is with such men that you'll see male sign ups to such agencies as what these agencies promise is the streamlined search for someone to settle down with and start a family.

No one signs up for €500 to get laid. Or to have a few dates. Or a relationship that may last a few months or years. They sign up so they never have to look again. They sign up to find 'the one' with whom they'll have a family. And while less common, I have no doubt that there are men signing up to such services out there too, although far fewer than women.

I do agree, I can think of only one guy I know who I can say would fall into this category of male who would use a dating agency, even though he has settled down now, and didn't use a dating agency, he was well known to be downright desperate to settle down, wasn't at all attractive, had a very needy personality & ended up settling down with a girl who had several kids, all with different fathers. But I don't think that that is your average Irish single male, far from it in fact.

I can't see why your average normal Irish single guy in his 20's or 30's would pay €500 for 5 dates. I can understand women doing it as there can often be a degree of urgency with women, bodyclock considerations, etc. I don't know why it is considered a complete no-go area for men but not for women.

Galwayguy35

I signed up to one a number of years ago, it was over €400 to join, it was a complete rip off in that I didn't get one date out of it.

Having said that I wouldn't rule out joining one again if it was a reputable agency.

I won't give up on OD just yet though.

anewme

Im going to sign up to an online dating agency in the new year. It's been a long long time since I was on a date and Im the wrong side of 40 (by a fair bit)!:eek: Now, just to add insult to injury, you are all telling me there are more women than men, so an oulone like me probably has no chance!

Anyway, there is no way I would even think about paying 500 to any agency to set up a few dates. So I'll have to try the free ones first and see how I go.

Galwayguy35

anewme wrote: »

Im going to sign up to an online dating agency in the new year. It's been a long long time since I was on a date and Im the wrong side of 40 (by a fair bit)!:eek: Now, just to add insult to injury, you are all telling me there are more women than men, so an oulone like me probably has no chance!

Anyway, there is no way I would even think about paying 500 to any agency to set up a few dates. So I'll have to try the free ones first and see how I go.

Not telling you what to do but sometimes a paid dating site can be good, people serious about looking for a partner and not as expensive as an agency.

kissmequick

Are some Dating Agencies free? Would have imagined having to part with some cash for all of them. Never thought there might be some free ones out there.

The Corinthian

LordNorbury wrote: »

I can't see why your average normal Irish single guy in his 20's or 30's would pay €500 for 5 dates. I can understand women doing it as there can often be a degree of urgency with women, bodyclock considerations, etc. I don't know why it is considered a complete no-go area for men but not for women.

As I said, people use such services because they want to settle down and some men feel the need to do so quite desperately - just because you or I might not feel so does not mean such men do not exist.

Additionally, there may be other factors why a man would sign up to an agency; he is socially isolated with few opportunities to meet women (e.g. farmers), he may have disadvantages that may make him less attractive to potential mates (e.g. a disability). There's all sorts.

But I would agree that there would be less men - at least in the thirtysomething age group, when the biological clock becomes more of an issue for women. But there are still 'clucky' men out there.

anewme wrote: »

Im going to sign up to an online dating agency in the new year. It's been a long long time since I was on a date and Im the wrong side of 40 (by a fair bit)!:eek: Now, just to add insult to injury, you are all telling me there are more women than men, so an oulone like me probably has no chance!

Statistically you're actually far better off than a woman in her thirties - presuming you're looking for a man your age or older. So chin up.

Emme

The Corinthian wrote: »

Statistically you're actually far better off than a woman in her thirties - presuming you're looking for a man your age or older. So chin up.

Do you think so? I am in my 40s and from what I see men in their 40s and 50s go for women in their 30s. Men in their early 40s often go for women in their 20s. Apparently 2 men emigrate for every woman who does so and most of these men are in their 20s and 30s. This means that single men in their 40s and 50s will be more attractive to women in their 20s and 30s because there are fewer single men in that age group.

Statistically there may be more of a gender balance between single men and women in their 40s and 50's, but the men will take the youngest women who will have them - women in their 20s and 30s. That leaves a very bleak scenario for women of 40 and up.

LordNorbury

Emme wrote: »

Do you think so? I am in my 40s and from what I see men in their 40s and 50s go for women in their 30s. Men in their early 40s often go for women in their 20s. Apparently 2 men emigrate for every woman who does so and most of these men are in their 20s and 30s. This means that single men in their 40s and 50s will be more attractive to women in their 20s and 30s because there are fewer single men in that age group.

Statistically there may be more of a gender balance between single men and women in their 40s and 50's, but the men will take the youngest women who will have them - women in their 20s and 30s. That leaves a very bleak scenario for women of 40 and up.

Have to say, couldn't agree with that at all. I don't think men are that obsessed with age, as in that age gets to determine everything in that way. A guy could meet a girl in her late 20's and she could be nuts, he isn't going to stick with that option because she is say 10 years younger than him, if an option for him is meeting a girl closer to his own age who he gets on a lot better with. This age thing I think is very much misunderstood when it comes to be emphasis that men automatically put on age.

Having said that, some younger women tend to not be as defeated when it comes to romance, I've found that some women my own age and older (35-40 age bracket), can come across as awfully defeated in person when it comes to going on dates, they can appear as if they are actually seriously bitter about the fact that they are single, whereas a girl 10 years younger is less concerned about being single and is often an easier, more positive person to go on a date with.

I've had a small number of really difficult dates with women my own age, (mid 30's), for some reason they just seemed very negative and appeared to be on a mission to make a date difficult for a guy, this is not something I've ever encountered when going on a date with a girl a few years younger than me, as in 25-30 age bracket. Whether this is down to a body-clock, or whether it is about being single at an age where you would rather not be single, or what it might be about I don't really know, but definitely noticed this as a recurring theme when dating in recent years.

Emme

LordNorbury wrote: »

Have to say, couldn't agree with that at all. I don't think men are that obsessed with age, as in that age gets to determine everything in that way. A guy could meet a girl in her late 20's and she could be nuts, he isn't going to stick with that option because she is say 10 years younger than him, if an option for him is meeting a girl closer to his own age who he gets on a lot better with. This age thing I think is very much misunderstood when it comes to be emphasis that men automatically put on age.

Having said that, some younger women tend to not be as defeated when it comes to romance, I've found that some women my own age and older (35-40 age bracket), can come across as awfully defeated in person when it comes to going on dates, they can appear as if they are actually seriously bitter about the fact that they are single, whereas a girl 10 years younger is less concerned about being single and is often an easier, more positive person to go on a date with.

I have a theory that younger women (30 and under) can get away with a lot more. When I was in my early 20s I was a cheeky so-and-so and would say anything to a guy, albeit with a smile. I always got away with it and had no shortage of guys chasing me. Then I dated a guy for a few years who turned out to be abusive and that knocked the stuffing out of me. Perhaps women over 35 have been through a few difficult relationships and that has made them less positive. Also a women over 30 is not going to get away with the same cheeky attitude as a women under 30.

Some men can come across as being bitter, particularly those who have been through a difficult divorce and seem out to blame every woman for what their ex did. Those guys are no picnic to date but have the advantage of being able to behave like a kid in a sweetshop on the dating scene. Women over 35 who have had a tough time don't have the kid in a sweetshop option because single men are so hard to find at that age.

LordNorbury wrote: »

I've had a small number of really difficult dates with women my own age, (mid 30's), for some reason they just seemed very negative and appeared to be on a mission to make a date difficult for a guy, this is not something I've ever encountered when going on a date with a girl a few years younger than me, as in 25-30 age bracket. Whether this is down to a body-clock, or whether it is about being single at an age where you would rather not be single, or what it might be about I don't really know, but definitely noticed this as a recurring theme when dating in recent years.

Maybe it's down to body clock, maybe it's down to having had a few hard knocks or maybe it's down to being over 35 and single. Whatever it is, you seem to prefer the company of women in the 25-30 age group than to that of women your own age, mid 30s. In a way that proves my point about men wanting to date women in their 20s/early 30s even though not all men are obsessed with a woman being as young as possible. However, I would say that most men over 35 prefer to date younger women for one reason or another

anewme

I'm going into it with an open mind.

Nothing like the power of positive thinking.

LordNorbury

Emme wrote: »

I have a theory that younger women (30 and under) can get away with a lot more. When I was in my early 20s I was a cheeky so-and-so and would say anything to a guy, albeit with a smile. I always got away with it and had no shortage of guys chasing me. Then I dated a guy for a few years who turned out to be abusive and that knocked the stuffing out of me. Perhaps women over 35 have been through a few difficult relationships and that has made them less positive. Also a women over 30 is not going to get away with the same cheeky attitude as a women under 30.

Some men can come across as being bitter, particularly those who have been through a difficult divorce and seem out to blame every woman for what their ex did. Those guys are no picnic to date but have the advantage of being able to behave like a kid in a sweetshop on the dating scene. Women over 35 who have had a tough time don't have the kid in a sweetshop option because single men are so hard to find at that age.



Maybe it's down to body clock, maybe it's down to having had a few hard knocks or maybe it's down to being over 35 and single. Whatever it is, you seem to prefer the company of women in the 25-30 age group than to that of women your own age, mid 30s. In a way that proves my point about men wanting to date women in their 20s/early 30s even though not all men are obsessed with a woman being as young as possible. However, I would say that most men over 35 prefer to date younger women for one reason or another

I have to mythbust that one for you because any serious/long term relationships I have been in, of which there were two (both very long term), I was younger (not by much, we're talking a year or two here), than the girl I was in a relationship with.

But I will admit that since I've been single, I've had a much easier time dating women in their 20's than I've had dating women my own age, but I'd put that down to their attitude more than mine, and I understand the same probably works for women finding men in their 30's more bitter or cynical in general, where there may have been a divorce, etc.

If dating agencies had any track record with success and if the pricing structure they charge was a lot more different, I'd have no problem with trying one. On the face of it, it is no more awkward or strange than online dating. But the whole gig as I understand it, especially given the current fee/charging structure, (€600 for 5 dates), and the stories of lack of any success whatsoever, and then taking abuse from the owner of the dating agency if you are not happy with the results, it looks to me like there is serious advantage being taken of some women's strong urge to find a partner.

Then & again, I've been on dates with women in their late 30's & early 40's and it would be no exaggeratin to say that some of them shouldn't be let on the dating scene, their attitude to men is so poor, (I accept the very same can be said for some men towards women!), but if these same women are going to dating agencies, after failing with and writing off online dating, hoping that throwing money at the problem is going to bring them a partner, then in my experience this would go a long way towards explaining the horror stories that you hear about dating agencies and generally poor experiences.

The Corinthian

Emme wrote: »

Do you think so? I am in my 40s and from what I see men in their 40s and 50s go for women in their 30s. Men in their early 40s often go for women in their 20s.

If a man in his 40s or 50s still hopes to start a family then naturally he'll go for a woman under 40. But not all men do, especially if they already have children or do not want them - there are few men who will want to get up ten times a night to tend to a baby at 50 even if we can, in theory, 'make' one.

And as I posted earlier in this thread, on dating sites, once over 40, the number of men statistically begins to returns to the majority. We may still seek women who are younger than us, but that's the case no matter what age - you may simply have to adjust your exceptions that the man you'll find will be older.

The picture for women over 40 is actually less 'bleak' than for women in their 30s - at least statistically speaking, from what I've seen.

LordNorbury

I think what can often drive people to try dating agencies, especially women, can be the glossy little world we tend to live in these days, the "what's meant for you won't pass you", and the "you'll find it the moment you aren't looking", logic that seems to imply that there is a rule there up in the sky somewhere that basically says that there is someone for everyone, or that everyone is 'entitled' to a relationship full of love, romantic abundance, joy & bliss.

This mindset I have found, tends to be a major feature of living in Ireland in your late 20's or early 30's. Basically that if you haven't found "the one" yet, then you had better not stop believing that he/she is out there just under your nose and is just about to reveal themselves to you.

I think if you have reached your mid 30's or early 40's, the silliness of this modern doctrine that there is someone for everyone and that everyone is entitled to a big mushy relationship, and kids, and the lifetime affection of a partner, can often start to weight heavily on you.

Others I think continue believing that there is some mystical devine like personality or entity 'up there somewhere in the sky', who is actively orchestrating their next big romance behind the scenes. One thing I've noticed about single women my age, and these women are friends who I know well, is their frequent use of mediums & the likes, to encourage & sustain their inner conviction, that someone somewhere 'up there' is carefully working to set them up with someone else. Going to a medium I've noticed, often seems to put some meat onto this idea, "where will I meet him?", "what will he look like"...

In my view, this is the very psychology that dating agencies actively exploit. The only thing is that it is ten times the price of having your cards read I reckon and there is also the crushing disappointment when what you hoped would be the 'fate' setting you up with your next partner, albeit with a bit of encouragement on your part through the use of a dating agency, turns out to be an absolute & total disaster. This disappointment I think must be a lot worse than just an indifferent online date, I suppose because the expectations are so much higher...

Emme

The Corinthian wrote: »

If a man in his 40s or 50s still hopes to start a family then naturally he'll go for a woman under 40. But not all men do, especially if they already have children or do not want them - there are few men who will want to get up ten times a night to tend to a baby at 50 even if we can, in theory, 'make' one.

And as I posted earlier in this thread, on dating sites, once over 40, the number of men statistically begins to returns to the majority. We may still seek women who are younger than us, but that's the case no matter what age - you may simply have to adjust your exceptions that the man you'll find will be older.

The picture for women over 40 is actually less 'bleak' than for women in their 30s - at least statistically speaking, from what I've seen.

Maths and stats won't trump evolutionary biology - ie men of all ages are hardwired to seek out a young, fertile and attractive partner.

I am a realist. As men get older the age gap between them and the partners they choose widens in the man's favour. This means that a woman in her 40's should not be surprised if most of the men who are interested in her are 60 and over.

anewme

Emme wrote: »

Maths and stats won't trump evolutionary biology - ie men of all ages are hardwired to seek out a young, fertile and attractive partner.

I am a realist. As men get older the age gap between them and the partners they choose widens in the man's favour. This means that a woman in her 40's should not be surprised if most of the men who are interested in her are 60 and over.

I'm 45 and kind of looking for someone in the bracket from 37 to early 50's and will see how I get on from there. I don't think I would be attracted to over 60's as that's my parents ages (though depends on the individual) I look young and have a young outlook and because I haven't been on the dating scene since the 80's (LOL) don't come with that jaded outlook on it. I only hope I am not too naieve.

I don't see the point in going on dates to be bitchy to men or blame them on past wrongdoings or failed relationships.

Time will tell, this is going to be an interesting year from me.

Emme

anewme wrote: »

I'm 45 and kind of looking for someone in the bracket from 37 to early 50's and will see how I get on from there. I don't think I would be attracted to over 60's as that's my parents ages (though depends on the individual) I look young and have a young outlook and because I haven't been on the dating scene since the 80's (LOL) don't come with that jaded outlook on it. I only hope I am not too naieve.

I've been on and off the dating scene since the late 80's, more on than off. I find that I and others like me have a more realistic view than people who may be newly single after a long relationship. However we may be more jaded than those who are newly single and that puts us at a disadvantage.

Many women over 40 may not be attracted to men over 55 but those men deserve a chance as they are mostly the ones who are attracted to US. They are also the ones that dating agencies will match us with.

It doesn't matter how young you look or feel, once you are over 40 men will view you in a certain way and act accordingly. I know this from experience, men who initially thought I was in my 30s changed their attitude towards me once they found out my real age.

If you want to date men under 55 I would advise you to knock a few years off your age but that might not wash with a dating agency.

anewme wrote: »

I don't see the point in going on dates to be bitchy to men or blame them on past wrongdoings or failed relationships.

Time will tell, this is going to be an interesting year from me.

I hope it is interesting in a good sense but I would advise you to be open to dating men over 55 or even 60.

DoYouEvenLift

Emme wrote: »

Maths and stats won't trump evolutionary biology - ie men of all ages are hardwired to seek out a young, fertile and attractive partner.

I am a realist. As men get older the age gap between them and the partners they choose widens in the man's favour. This means that a woman in her 40's should not be surprised if most of the men who are interested in her are 60 and over.

There was a study done by someone at OkCupid which is relevant to this point:






The original one I'd seen before actually showed men claimed closer to 23-25 when asked. Surprised there are no 18 or 19s to be honest from the younger ages.

anewme

Emme wrote: »

If you want to date men under 55 I would advise you to knock a few years off your age but that might not wash with a dating agency.

I hope it is interesting in a good sense but I would advise you to be open to dating men over 55 or even 60.

I am not lying about my age for anyone. I am who I am and what I am and that is that.

I've my own priniciples and boundaries set and am going to work within them and see how I get on. Not going to judge people on age, but rather on their attitude.

I am not entering into this desperate for a man or a relationship. I'm quite successful and happy on my own, so if it does not happen, then, meh, so what?

Anyway, I've joined the online dating forum here so will check that out for guidence.

The Corinthian

Emme wrote: »

Maths and stats won't trump evolutionary biology - ie men of all ages are hardwired to seek out a young, fertile and attractive partner.

Not entirely true. Many men do not for various reasons:

• They do not want to have (more) children.
• They seek someone with a similar mindset and/or find people below a certain age too annoying.

Additionally you say men seek an attractive partner. In this regard, there are plenty of 45 year olds who are far more attractive, and younger looking, than 35 year olds. Or younger.

That combined with the fact that the number of men on dating sites increases back to the majority somewhere in the 40s age range, means that being defeatist on this possibilities.

I am a realist. As men get older the age gap between them and the partners they choose widens in the man's favour. This means that a woman in her 40's should not be surprised if most of the men who are interested in her are 60 and over.

Then as a realist, you should know that just because a man may wish to choose a 25 year old does not mean he'll get a 25 year old, let alone be happy with her if he did; there's a big difference between wanting to have sex with someone and wanting to be in a relationship with them. Naturally we still need to be attractive, but few men over 40 want to be in a relationship simply because of physical attraction - would you even want to be with a man who judges relationships in so superficial a manner?

Emme

anewme wrote: »

I am not lying about my age for anyone. I am who I am and what I am and that is that.

I've my own priniciples and boundaries set and am going to work within them and see how I get on. Not going to judge people on age, but rather on their attitude.

I am not entering into this desperate for a man or a relationship. I'm quite successful and happy on my own, so if it does not happen, then, meh, so what?

Anyway, I've joined the online dating forum here so will check that out for guidence.

If you hare happy on your own and not desperate for a relationship you're fine going onto the dating scene. If you have principles and boundaries it's best not to expect too much from the dating scene. I speak from experience.

Stella Grey of the Guardian wrote about her experiences as a 50 year old divorcee on the dating scene here:

http://www.theguardian.com/profile/stella-grey

I know she is in a slightly older age group but I think her experiences are also very relevant to women in their 40s. Here is a quote from one of her articles:

" 'You may as well give up now,' he wrote, ignoring the question, 'and withdraw from here and save your money.' I asked him what he means... 'Young women, big tits, flat stomachs, a tight fit where it matters. There are loads of gorgeous young things here who’d be happy with a 50-year-old sugar daddy. You can’t compete with that.' "

Most people (male and female) on dating sites tend to knock a few years off once they get older. The men do it so they can date younger women. The women do it not to be invisible. I have given up on the dating scene for this and other reasons and have resigned myself to being single for the rest of my life.

Some dating agencies are reluctant to take women over 40 and the more honest dating agencies will put women over 40 on a "waiting list" because there are so few men who want to date women over 40. Sorry for being blunt and somewhat pessimistic but that is how it is.

The Corinthian wrote: »

Then as a realist, you should know that just because a man may wish to choose a 25 year old does not mean he'll get a 25 year old, let alone be happy with her if he did; there's a big difference between wanting to have sex with someone and wanting to be in a relationship with them. Naturally we still need to be attractive, but few men over 40 want to be in a relationship simply because of physical attraction - would you even want to be with a man who judges relationships in so superficial a manner?

Of course not, but from my experience most men online seem to judge women on physical attraction and little else. I find meeting people face-to-face is better but there are few places you can do that.

The only advantage of dating sites is that the better ones filter out the married and attached men. Dating sites are full of attached men. Divorced men are more likely to remarry than divorced women. Most single men who are over 40 get set up on dates all the time. This is not the case for most single women over 40.

Even if there are more single men over 40 than over 30 the single men over 40 are having a totally different experience to the women over 40. They have far more options. Some may want to date women their own age but for every one man over 40 who wants to date a woman his own age there are about 3 who want to date younger women.

A 50 something divorcee in my area met and married a 30 something woman 3 years ago. They met online and she has given birth to a son every year since they got married. He already had 2 children from his previous marriage.

The Corinthian

Emme wrote: »

Of course not, but from my experience most men online seem to judge women on physical attraction and little else.

What, and women are any different? How many men have you approached who have no photo on their profile?

Physical appearance is always the first port of call when someone is checking out a potential partner. It's just that sites are a little limited on getting the personality across and the various 'AI engines' used are very hit and miss.

I find meeting people face-to-face is better but there are few places you can do that.

Were I to guess is that your principle selling point is your personality and you have a better chance of putting that forward in a live environment.

The only advantage of dating sites is that the better ones filter out the married and attached men. Dating sites are full of attached men. Divorced men are more likely to remarry than divorced women. Most single men who are over 40 get set up on dates all the time. This is not the case for most single women over 40.

I don't see why except that those men are less picky because they're not looking for long term relationships. You could get a date every night of the week if all you were looking for was a fling, so you're comparing apples and oranges.

Even if there are more single men over 40 than over 30 the single men over 40 are having a totally different experience to the women over 40. They have far more options. Some may want to date women their own age but for every one man over 40 who wants to date a woman his own age there are about 3 who want to date younger women.

A 50 something divorcee in my area met and married a 30 something woman 3 years ago. They met online and she has given birth to a son every year since they got married. He already had 2 children from his previous marriage.

He clearly was at least open to, if not actively sought, to start a new family. Not all men do.

But even he will have found that he could no longer attract the same type of woman he could when he was 30. There's very few people in the World who can, and this is true of both men and women.

Emme

The Corinthian wrote: »

What, and women are any different? How many men have you approached who have no photo on their profile?

I am wary of people who have no photo on their profile because it may indicate they have something to hide such as a partner.

The Corinthian wrote: »

Physical appearance is always the first port of call when someone is checking out a potential partner. It's just that sites are a little limited on getting the personality across and the various 'AI engines' used are very hit and miss.

Were I to guess is that your principle selling point is your personality and you have a better chance of putting that forward in a live environment.

I would prefer to sell myself on personality rather than on looks but physical attraction is also important in a live environment. I find that in a live environment people aren't judged as much as they would be online. For example, a man online may be looking for a woman between 20 and 30 who lives in his immediate area and has a college education. The same man might get talking a woman in a live environment and have great chemistry with her. Later he might find out that she is 31, lives on the other side of the river from him and despite having a successful business, she has never been to college. He would never get together with her online.

The Corinthian wrote: »

I don't see why except that those men are less picky because they're not looking for long term relationships. You could get a date every night of the week if all you were looking for was a fling, so you're comparing apples and oranges.

Perhaps, but it's hard to sort the apples out from the oranges online. Many men are very good at giving the impression they want a long term relationship when they really want something short term. This happens in the real world as well as online but it seems to be more prevalent online.

The Corinthian wrote: »

He clearly was at least open to, if not actively sought, to start a new family. Not all men do.

Not all men do but some like to be with a younger woman regardless.

The Corinthian wrote: »

But even he will have found that he could no longer attract the same type of woman he could when he was 30. There's very few people in the World who can, and this is true of both men and women.

This guy lives in a rural area and when he was younger there weren't many single women to choose from in his area. He said that he never had such a variety of women to choose from as he did when he started internet dating.