My boyfriend can't get over my past and he's considering breaking up

GreeBo

For everyone who thinks its his problem, how would you feel about your mom describing sex with your dad to you?
Its the same thing, we all know our parents had sex...but personally I can do without details for somethings.

The Corinthian

GreeBo wrote: »

For everyone who thinks its his problem, how would you feel about your mom describing sex with your dad to you?
Its the same thing, we all know our parents had sex...but personally I can do without details for somethings.

People tend to go ick at the thought of their parents having sex, because they tend not to see them as sexual in nature.

However, if you have difficulty seeing your boy or girlfriend, with whom one would presume you have sex with, as sexual in nature, then that frankly is a serious problem and indicative of the Madonna-whore complex.

butbut

The Corinthian wrote: »

It's your boyfriend's issue, not yours. I remember as a teenager being told by my girlfriend the same thing and honestly the only thing that came to mind was "woohoo! I'm going to get a blowjob!" Honestly, I feel that if you break up with him it may well be a blessing in disguise for you.

Either way, this self-pity cannot continue indefinitely. I'd suggest you tell him that you've nothing to be ashamed about (which you don't), and he needs to explain why he is so upset so you can both find a way to put it behind you. Otherwise, maybe he is better off feeling sorry for himself on his own.

I'm very much in agreement with The Corinthian here. I'm really struggling to understand what your boyfriends problem. He seems to be under the illusion that you should have had no sexual past whatsoever which is nuts. Furthermore he is holding it over your head instead of manning up and making a decision, does he want the relationship to continue or doesn't he. To my mind this is an extremely cruel thing to do to a person, especially when you have done absolutely nothing wrong. You are not wrong to have a sexual past and you are not wrong for being honest and telling him about it when it comes up in conversation. If there were too many details he should have stopped you there and then told you he didn't need to know anymore. If I were you I'd walk away now.

GreeBo

The Corinthian wrote: »

People tend to go ick at the thought of their parents having sex, because they tend not to see them as sexual in nature.

I think you you missed my point, its not that he doesnt think of his girlfriend as sexual, its that he doesnt want to think/know intimate details of her with someone else.
I think thats perfectly reasonable.

He doesnt seem to have any issue with her past, unless he thought she was asexual before they met. As I said, he just doesnt want to know the details and have them popping into his head at inopportune times. Any more than any of us would want details of our parents sex lives in our heads. There are somethings you are just better off not knowing.

Semele

As so done else has said, she hardly just came out with all this out of no-where! It was presumably in the context of a conversation they were having. Those type of conversations are almost always a bad idea, but that's something that people have to learn as they get more experience. I've known a few situations where one party drives the question-asking, either out of genuine interest at the time, or a masochistic tendency to seek out information that will hurt, or just because they're a bit turned on by thinking about it...but then these people so often are the ones that turn around and say they can't get over it and they should never have been told, holding it over their partner for ages afterwards.

It's a huge sign of immaturity on both parts, but you live and you learn!

pancake batter

GreeBo wrote: »

For everyone who thinks its his problem, how would you feel about your mom describing sex with your dad to you?
Its the same thing, we all know our parents had sex...but personally I can do without details for somethings.

I certainly wouldn't hold it against my mother, make it seem like a massive problem and make her feel bad about it. I would ask her to spare me the details in future and I would make sure not to engage my mother in a conversation about sex again.

OP, don't beat yourself up over this. You can't go back in time and change what you said. If this is how he deals with perceived problems then it doesn't bode well for the future anyway so I wouldn't worry if ye do break up. The only thing that should matter to him is that you are with him now, in the present.

Big Bag of Chips

You don't say how old you both are, but I guess age, maturity/immaturity and experience has a lot to do with what's going on.

You were both virgins. He knew you were both virgins. He probably thought, that because you were both virgins, that you had much the same level of experience, and finding out what he thought was something *very* special between the 2 of you was not *so* special because of what you had done with someone else.

I'm sure the conversation came up because you were discussing your LACK of experience, and it was a bit upsetting to him to know you had done something so intimate with someone else.

He's not wrong to be upset. He can't help that. You're not wrong to have been with someone else. This is a life lesson for you (and him). He will get over it. He mightn't want to continue being your bf. But as he gets more experience with girls he will realise that it's less important what people have done before being with each other.... And you will learn not to give "lots of details" in future.

The Corinthian

GreeBo wrote: »

I think you you missed my point, its not that he doesnt think of his girlfriend as sexual, its that he doesnt want to think/know intimate details of her with someone else.
I think thats perfectly reasonable.

Sure, if that's what she did - give a blow-by-blow account, as it were - but I fail to see where the OP has admitted to having done this. Is it still reasonable if she didn't give 'details' but just admitted to her sexual past?

As I said, he just doesnt want to know the details and have them popping into his head at inopportune times. Any more than any of us would want details of our parents sex lives in our heads. There are somethings you are just better off not knowing.

I'll take your word for it; plenty of other people would not see it this way.

Big Bag of Chips

squidneeeyz wrote: »

I..... told him lots of details, it really got to him.

I think this is where the problem lies.

The Corinthian

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I think this is where the problem lies.

I stand corrected.

CaraMay

I agree with butbut. Op you should not be sitting around waiting for him to decide whether or not to dump you. You have done nothing wrong and you should not be treated by him like this. He either finishes it or gets on with the relationship and puts it behind him.

I wouldn't be giving him this much time to make his decision. Give him a week to finish or forget about it. If he doesn't make a decision by then then you finish it cos all he is doing is f-king with your mind.