12 year old and Phone Secrecy

Timmythedonkey

My 12 year old is very grown up (or so she think's!) and has a phone and Tablet. Myself and her father are seperated 3 and a half year's. She had a phone that wasn't working very well before xmas and she decided she wanted a new mobile for xmas. So around Nov I checked her old mobile and found she'd been phoning her dad - Now I have no problem with he talking to him but it's just the Secrecy that freck's me out! We had word's and she said she couldn't remember the phone call's and there were a few text's that I also questioned!

So Before Xmas I told her if she wanted a new phone There would be some ground rule's - She must tell me if she's phoning her dad, she must not delete any history details and no text's are to be deleted either.

I have just asked to look at the phone and There is no call history at all and the first text message sent was 8th Jan...............I checked her phone over the new year and there were calls to her father and texts too to him and other people but nothing now! I am so cross but feel I can't bring it up and she is frecking out (obviously know's I have seen them earlier than now!)

I don't know what to do - he father dosen't back me up as when I told her before I need to know BEFORE she contact's him she must have text him about it and he text me saying she can contact him anytime! (we don't talk and just communicate through text!)

I feel like tearing my hair out! I honestly don't know how to deal with this - Can I get a log of her calls and Text's from the phone company just to keep an eye in the background?

RustyNut

Is there a reason you don't want her to be able to call her dad when she wants without asking permission?

You can block his number from the phone but you might be building up a little resentment.

MoonDancer

Why should she ask your permission to phone her dad at all?
My kids can ring their grandparents and uncles anytime they want. Their dad isn't in the picture, so I always tell them they can chat to family anytime they want.
I don't see why you want her to tell you before she rings her dad.

freshpopcorn

What's your issue with her contacting her dad either by phoning or text?

Darsad

Your not going to get much traction unless you give some background or details as to why you dont want your daughter contacting her Dad

January

Why have you such an issue with her phoning her dad? Just because you two don't communicate except by text doesn't mean she should have to refrain from contacting him when she is not with him. Or are you jealous that she contacts her dad but probably doesn't ring you when she's with him?

Orion

I also fail to see why she should tell you if she's talking to her father. He may not be your partner anymore but he's still her father and she should be allowed to talk to him anytime she wants and not need your permission on knowledge.

She may be a child but she's still entitled to her privacy as well as having a reasonable expectation for your trust. If you try to limit that privacy and force her to start hiding things from you you're already lost that trust and you are damaging your relationship with your child. In my opinion you should rethink the restrictions that you have put on her.

MagicMarker

You're being a bit ridiculous OP. Her dad has said she can she can call anytime, so what is the problem exactly?

Orion

Let's not name-call please. You could have made the exact same point without the first 6 words.

freshpopcorn

You daughter us at that age now when she's becoming a young woman. If she feels she isn't even allowed to talk to her dad. Wait until boyfriends come along and she'll really hide it from you because of how your acting now.

Ham Sambo

MoonDancer wrote: »

Why should she ask your permission to phone her dad at all?
My kids can ring their grandparents and uncles anytime they want. Their dad isn't in the picture, so I always tell them they can chat to family anytime they want.
I don't see why you want her to tell you before she rings her dad.

Moondancer, read her post again, it's obvious that this couple are separated and their daughter is living with the Mum, their daughter is only 12 years old and should not be contacting her father without her Mums permission.

GarIT

I think you need to calm down, apologize to her and let her know that she can talk to her dad if she wants. You should ask her to put a passcode on the phone so you can't get tempted again. She has just as much right to talk to her dad as she does you, if you can't accept that she is going to eventually resent you greatly. If this is difficult for you I think you need to talk to your doctor about it.

GarIT

Ham Sambo wrote: »

Moondancer, read her post again, it's obvious that this couple are separated and their daughter is living with the Mum, their daughter is only 12 years old and should not be contacting her father without her Mums permission.

Why not? We know nothing about the father or the reason the mother doesn't want them talking.

Just note as well, the daughter is 12, she is old enough to tell a judge which parent she wants to have custody. Trying to stop a child talking to their father is probably the next worst thing you can ever do if you want to win a custody case.

Unless the fater is a convicted criminal/drug dealer the child should have access to unlimited private conversations with her father.

meoklmrk91

I also don't see the issue with her ringing her father, he is after all her father and tbh I think it's important that you encourage that relationship as opposed to trying to get her to get permission. Unless there is something else going on then I don't see why she shouldn't be allowed to talk to her Dad. I would sit her down and tell her that she's allowed to talk to her Dad whenever she wants but that if anymore phone logs or text messages are deleted then the phone will be confiscated for a period of time, it's important that you know who she is texting and ringing at this age but she is getting that bit older and does her right to privacy. She obviously feels that this is something she has to hide from you and that is definitely not a good thing, an open dialog would be much better as opposed to encouraging her to be secretive, just every few days maybe ask her if she was talking to her Dad, is he keeping well etc.

Finally I will just pose this question to you, how would you feel if when she was with her father he made her ask permission everything she wanted to ring you? It's not something I would be comfortable with anyway. My worry would be that if you keep this up she would become resentful towards you for not encouraging her relationship with her father. Pick your battles OP, she is heading into some difficult years and you don't want to make them any worse.

January

Ham Sambo wrote: »

Moondancer, read her post again, it's obvious that this couple are separated and their daughter is living with the Mum, their daughter is only 12 years old and should not be contacting her father without her Mums permission.

Why should she not be contacting her father without her mums permission?

Paddy Cow

meoklmrk91 wrote: »

Finally I will just pose this question to you, how would you feel if when she was with her father he made her ask permission everything she wanted to ring you? It's not something I would be comfortable with anyway.

I was going to say the same thing. Unless there is something unsavoury about the father, like he is an addict or criminal or something else that would make him a bad influence, I don't understand why she would need permission to ring him?

By all means at 12 it is responsible of you to be keeping tabs on her phone but there has to be some leniency when it comes to her father. I'd be with the father on this one. His daughter should be able to contact him whenever she wants.

It sounds like there is animosity between you and your ex as you say that you only communicate through text. Your daughter is old enough to pick up on this and she might feel like she has to keep her contact with her dad a "secret" so that she doesn't cause trouble. If you make a big deal out of this, it will only cement in her mind that she is doing something "wrong", when all she wants to do is communicate with her dad. As someone else said, it could lead to resentment.

SamAK

We need a reply from the OP before this can go any further to be honest.......

maguic24

Timmythedonkey wrote: »

My 12 year old is very grown up (or so she think's!) and has a phone and Tablet. Myself and her father are seperated 3 and a half year's. She had a phone that wasn't working very well before xmas and she decided she wanted a new mobile for xmas. So around Nov I checked her old mobile and found she'd been phoning her dad - Now I have no problem with he talking to him but it's just the Secrecy that freck's me out! We had word's and she said she couldn't remember the phone call's and there were a few text's that I also questioned!

So Before Xmas I told her if she wanted a new phone There would be some ground rule's - She must tell me if she's phoning her dad, she must not delete any history details and no text's are to be deleted either.

I have just asked to look at the phone and There is no call history at all and the first text message sent was 8th Jan...............I checked her phone over the new year and there were calls to her father and texts too to him and other people but nothing now! I am so cross but feel I can't bring it up and she is frecking out (obviously know's I have seen them earlier than now!)

I don't know what to do - he father dosen't back me up as when I told her before I need to know BEFORE she contact's him she must have text him about it and he text me saying she can contact him anytime! (we don't talk and just communicate through text!)

I feel like tearing my hair out! I honestly don't know how to deal with this - Can I get a log of her calls and Text's from the phone company just to keep an eye in the background?

I think you are being very unfair! She should be able to call her father without consulting you! Maybe she is afraid to tell you because you might react badly. After reading what you posted, it's sounds like you don't get on with her father and would react badly. I think you need to back off a bit to be honest.

You are totally over-reacting. I think the fact that you don't trust her and are checking her phone is way out of line.

Moonbeam

Is it the secrecy of her hiding it or the fact that she is calling him that bothers you?

My dad was always the one person that I was allowed to ring no matter what and didn't even have to ask.

Ham Sambo

GarIT wrote: »

Why not? We know nothing about the father or the reason the mother doesn't want them talking.

Just note as well, the daughter is 12, she is old enough to tell a judge which parent she wants to have custody. Trying to stop a child talking to their father is probably the next worst thing you can ever do if you want to win a custody case.

Unless the fater is a convicted criminal/drug dealer the child should have access to unlimited private conversations with her father.

@GarIT. You said it yourself, the child is only 12 years old so any responsible parent should know what numbers or web sites their child visits or calls, it's the parent that's in control not the child, when she calls her Dad should be a matter for both parents to discuss and not the child.

Mint Aero

Jesus. You two only talk via text, great stuff. It's her dad, you should be happy he wants to talk to his daughter whatever about the issues you have with him, unless he's cooking meth or something.

freshpopcorn

Ham Sambo wrote: »

@GarIT. You said it yourself, the child is only 12 years old so any responsible parent should know what numbers or web sites their child visits or calls, it's the parent that's in control not the child, when she calls her Dad should be a matter for both parents to discuss and not the child.

The child should have every right to pick her phone up and call the dad. There's nothing wrong with it.
Its important that the the girl has a good relationship with both the mother and father. It doesn't matter if the parents don't get on. The child should be encouraged to communicate with her dad not discouraged.

Ham Sambo

freshpopcorn wrote: »

The child should have every right to pick her phone up and call the dad. There's nothing wrong with it.
Its important that the the girl has a good relationship with both the mother and father. It doesn't matter if the parents don't get on. The child should be encouraged to communicate with her dad not discouraged.

But how can you pass judgement when you don't know the parties involved, it would be up to the child's Mum to tell us the background, the point I am making is allowing this child or any 12 year old to have free access to a mobile phone and especially if it has internet access. If she needs to call her father then an arrangement I am sure can be made between father and mother regarding times etc.

retro:electro

Well this was an interesting read!!

freshpopcorn

Ham Sambo wrote: »

But how can you pass judgement when you don't know the parties involved, it would be up to the child's Mum to tell us the background, the point I am making is allowing this child or any 12 year old to have free access to a mobile phone and especially if it has internet access. If she needs to call her father then an arrangement I am sure can be made between father and mother regarding times etc.

She should be allowed to contact her dad when ever she wants. The father has access to the child so he can't be bad. Preventing a 12 year old girl from contacting her dad is bad.

MoonDancer

Ham Sambo wrote: »

Moondancer, read her post again, it's obvious that this couple are separated and their daughter is living with the Mum, their daughter is only 12 years old and should not be contacting her father without her Mums permission.

Excuse me, I have read her post and I replied with my opinion on the matter.
I see no reason a child should EVER have to ask for permission to phone their father.
I am separated and my children would never have to ask if they can phone their dad.

January

MoonDancer wrote: »

Excuse me, I have read her post and I replied with my opinion on the matter.
I see no reason a child should EVER have to ask for permission to phone their father.
I am separated and my children would never have to ask if they can phone their dad.

This.

The OP is monitoring her daughter's phone usage so she does not have access to the phone unlimited. The OP knows her daughter is phoning her father but still has a problem with her doing it.

animum

Hi OP,

To answer your questions, if her phone is credit then you cant see the calls she makes.
If its a bill phone and i would imagine you are paying for it then you can see who she calls.
Other than your daughter being honest with you, or you sneaking a look, there is no other way to know.

This is a very delicate situation and I read that the main thing is your daughter and her father being 'sneaky', which in my opinion is very wrong.

Parents although seperated need to agree on rules and boundaries togther and stick at them togther.
Yes she can call her father when she likes, but I dont think that is the issue here. its you have asked her for honesty and transparency and you are not getting it, and her father is helping her. And i can fully understand why you want to pull your hair out.

If perhaps you send the father a text explaining, that its not the fact that she is contacting him,its the sneakiness behind it. And lack of trust between a parent and her child going into the teenage years just spells touble.

Its my tuppence worth anyway.
Best of luck and try to keep your relationship with your daughter as best as you can, its her safety you are worried about, or maybe I am the only person, who read that from your post.

SamAK

Looks like OP wasn't up for any further discussion on the matter!?

Paddy Cow

animum wrote: »

Hi OP,

To answer your questions, if her phone is credit then you cant see the calls she makes.
If its a bill phone and i would imagine you are paying for it then you can see who she calls.
Other than your daughter being honest with you, or you sneaking a look, there is no other way to know.

This is a very delicate situation and I read that the main thing is your daughter and her father being 'sneaky', which in my opinion is very wrong.

Parents although seperated need to agree on rules and boundaries togther and stick at them togther.
Yes she can call her father when she likes, but I dont think that is the issue here. its you have asked her for honesty and transparency and you are not getting it, and her father is helping her. And i can fully understand why you want to pull your hair out.

If perhaps you send the father a text explaining, that its not the fact that she is contacting him,its the sneakiness behind it. And lack of trust between a parent and her child going into the teenage years just spells touble.

Its my tuppence worth anyway.
Best of luck and try to keep your relationship with your daughter as best as you can, its her safety you are worried about, or maybe I am the only person, who read that from your post.

OP I don't know if you are still reading this thread and I am directing my reply to this post at you, as it reiterates something I said in a previous post. I know that as your daughter is young you need to supervise her phone usage. However, unless there is a reason why you would mistrust her father, there is no reason why she should have to ask you for permission every time she wants to contact him.

He is her father. Sometimes she will want to talk to you and sometimes she will want to talk to her father. You cannot schedule when phone calls take place as you cannot schedule the emotions of a child. Would you be happy if when your daughter is in her father's care, he was reading all the texts sent between you and your daughter and was not only monitoring calls but making your daugher ask permission before she could call you?

I can understand you felt that your daughter and your ex were being sneaky but really they weren't. At 12 your daughter is still a child but not in the sense that she will tell you about every detail that happened in her day. She is a child entering the teenage years where she grows to be independant of you both. Sometimes she will turn to you for advice and sometimes she will turn to her father. If you make her feel that contacting her father without permission is "wrong", it will set up barriers between you.

As I have said before, your daughter is old enough to have picked up on the animosity between you and your ex and may feel that her contact with her Dad is "wrong", which is why she is hiding it from you. I hate to ask but have to, why are you upset that your daughter is contacting her Dad? Is a part of you afraid that you will lose your daughter if she is contacting her Dad?

I don't know your circumstances but from the little information you have given us, your ex is a part of your daughter's life and you are trying to restrict access between them. Unless you have good reason for this, let your daughter have a relationship with her father or it could backfire on you.

animum

Paddy Cow wrote: »

OP I don't know if you are still reading this thread and I am directing my reply to this post at you, as it reiterates something I said in a previous post. I know that as your daughter is young you need to supervise her phone usage. However, unless there is a reason why you would mistrust her father, there is no reason why she should have to ask you for permission every time she wants to contact him.

He is her father. Sometimes she will want to talk to you and sometimes she will want to talk to her father. You cannot schedule when phone calls take place as you cannot schedule the emotions of a child. Would you be happy if when your daughter is in her father's care, he was reading all the texts sent between you and your daughter and was not only monitoring calls but making your daugher ask permission before she could call you?

I can understand you felt that your daughter and your ex were being sneaky but really they weren't. At 12 your daughter is still a child but not in the sense that she will tell you about every detail that happened in her day. She is a child entering the teenage years where she grows to be independant of you both. Sometimes she will turn to you for advice and sometimes she will turn to her father. If you make her feel that contacting her father without permission is "wrong", it will set up barriers between you.

As I have said before, your daughter is old enough to have picked up on the animosity between you and your ex and may feel that her contact with her Dad is "wrong", which is why she is hiding it from you. I hate to ask but have to, why are you upset that your daughter is contacting her Dad? Is a part of you afraid that you will lose your daughter if she is contacting her Dad?

I don't know your circumstances but from the little information you have given us, your ex is a part of your daughter's life and you are trying to restrict access between them. Unless you have good reason for this, let your daughter have a relationship with her father or it could backfire on you.

She never once said she didn't want them to have a relationship...nor does she want them to stop contact.

I would take a guess she came on to the parenting section seeking advice on controlling a mobile belongings to her almost teenage daughter.

She said she doesn't mind them in contact, she mentions, there was contact with other people too.

Why is everyone lecturing the woman on her relationship with the father. If I was op I wouldn't come back and read this either, because there are not many replies answering her question....only people asking her business with the father..and he is supporting the daughter, in being sneaky...when there were conditions laid down in order to get a new phone.