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12 year old and Phone Secrecy
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She never once said she didn't want them to have a relationship...nor does she want them to stop contact.
I would take a guess she came on to the parenting section seeking advice on controlling a mobile belongings to her almost teenage daughter.
She said she doesn't mind them in contact, she mentions, there was contact with other people too.
Why is everyone lecturing the woman on her relationship with the father. If I was op I wouldn't come back and read this either, because there are not many replies answering her question....only people asking her business with the father..and he is supporting the daughter, in being sneaky...when there were conditions laid down in order to get a new phone.
How is the daughter being sneaky, she has 2 parents?!!!! One parent should not have the authority to say when their daughter can call the other parent. It's ridiculous! Like other people have already said, imagine if the roles were reversed and the father was acting like the mother in this instance. The daughter should be able to contact either parent at all times, there is nothing sneaky about that!!! If she chooses to ring her dad, that should be fine, she shouldn't have to look for permission. Why does the dad have less rights in this case, it is very very very unfair?????!!!!
I would never ever keep my children from contacting their dad and I hope that he would do the same!!! I guess I don't need to worry as I am female which automatically gives me the right to dictate when my kids can see their dad or at least that's the vibe I am getting from your last post!!! I'm actually in shock with how blatantly sexist you are being.0 -
How is the daughter being sneaky, she has 2 parents?!!!! One parent should not have the authority to say when their daughter can call the other parent. It's ridiculous! Like other people have already said, imagine if the roles were reversed dand the father was acting like the mother in this instance. The daughter should be able to contact either parent at all times, there is nothing sneaky about that!!! If she chooses to ring her dad, that should be fine, she shouldn't have to look for permission. Why does the dad have less rights in this case, it is very very very unfair?????!!!!
I would never ever keep my children from contacting their dad and I hope that he would do the same!!! I guess I don't need to worry as I am female which automatically gives me the right to dictate when my kids can see their dad or at least that's the vibe I am getting from your last post!!! I'm actually in shock with how blatantly sexist you are being.
Didn't once say mother has more rights, I actually said in an earlier post that rules should be set and agreed in both households.
All I am sayin is the mother asked how to control her daughter's phone, giving the example of her deleting calls to her father, as well as to others...everyone jumps down her throat and asks what's her problem, and let her have a relationship with the dad....not once does she say she wants to stop their relationship...
All she wants to do is control the child's phone usage...
And I get called sexist.
Major overreaction to be honest. My thoughts would be the exact same if it was the father who lay down the rules of phone usage, and the mother was relaxed about the rules.
Fact is child is deleting history, who says it's only the dad she is deleting, who says it's not another boy that is saved on her phone at dad...we don't know.
Mom isn't comfortable with child being sneaky on her phone. That the issue here..0 -
Fact is child is deleting history, who says it's only the dad she is deleting, who says it's not another boy that is saved on her phone at dad...we don't know.
Mom isn't comfortable with child being sneaky on her phone. That the issue here..
Well we won't know a dang thing unless the OP gives us more detail, in which case we'd be in a better position to give our opinions and help her deal with the issue!
Not sure why the radio silence, maybe she's a busy person....0 -
I don't think you should get her to tell you if she phones her dad you should welcome that he show an interest
you are going to drive a wedge between you
and her
I think your still angry at the dad
but you should not put children in the middle
she probably does not tell you because she knows you will be angry
many fathers don't call their kids,your lucky he does0 -
Well we won't know a dang thing unless the OP gives us more detail, in which case we'd be in a better position to give our opinions and help her deal with the issue!
Not sure why the radio silence, maybe she's a busy person....
From what I gather she has asked 2 things...
I'm brief, how can she see calls etc on her daughter phone...
And second issue is the father not supporting her when the daughter is not going along with the ground rules...
We answered about the call log..
And we suggested talkin to the father explaining the situation...
The op has been almost accused of stopping her child's relationship with the child's father.
Thing is, if parents were together, and rule was no deleting of history on the phone...then both parents would be upset...one rule for both homes, no history to be deleted...irrelevant of who is being called..
As I said, that's the impression I got from the op, maybe I picked it up wrong, maybe she is jealous of their relationship, who knows, I am going on what she actually said, not what I may think to read between the lines.0 -
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Didn't once say mother has more rights, I actually said in an earlier post that rules should be set and agreed in both households.
All I am sayin is the mother asked how to control her daughter's phone, giving the example of her deleting calls to her father, as well as to others...everyone jumps down her throat and asks what's her problem, and let her have a relationship with the dad....not once does she say she wants to stop their relationship...
All she wants to do is control the child's phone usage...
And I get called sexist.
Major overreaction to be honest. My thoughts would be the exact same if it was the father who lay down the rules of phone usage, and the mother was relaxed about the rules.
Fact is child is deleting history, who says it's only the dad she is deleting, who says it's not another boy that is saved on her phone at dad...we don't know.
Mom isn't comfortable with child being sneaky on her phone. That the issue here..
I am sticking to my guns, I have read the OP's original post and I think she's well out of line.
You have interpreted differently, I just can't see it from your angle. I have re-read it twice and I still have the same opinion. I think we will have to agree to disagree on this issue to be honest or else we'll end up going round in circles.0 -
I am sticking to my guns, I have read the OP's original post and I think she's well out of line.
You have interpreted differently, I just can't see it from your angle. I have re-read it twice and I still have the same opinion. I think we will have to agree to disagree on this issue to be honest or else we'll end up going round in circles.
Ok..fair enough...but I certainly didn't mean to come across as sexist...not in the slightest. Parents are parents...gender has nothin to do with it in my opinion.
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No she doesn't want to stop contact but she does want to control it by having her daughter ask permission every time she wants to call her dad.She never once said she didn't want them to have a relationship...nor does she want them to stop contact.
As has been said already, at 12 it is responsible of the mother to control who her daughter is contacting. Unless the father is a bad influence, the general consensus is that she shouldn't be controlling phone contact.I would take a guess she came on to the parenting section seeking advice on controlling a mobile belongings to her almost teenage daughter.
She mentions other people in very few words but elaborates in paragraphs about the father, so that indicates that she is far more upset about the contact the girl has with her father, than anyone else.She said she doesn't mind them in contact, she mentions, there was contact with other people too.
Maybe the op came on here expecting to have her behaviour validated and it was a shock to the system to find out that people in general (including other separated mothers) think she over reacted?Why is everyone lecturing the woman on her relationship with the father. If I was op I wouldn't come back and read this either, because there are not many replies answering her question....only people asking her business with the father..and he is supporting the daughter, in being sneaky...when there were conditions laid down in order to get a new phone.
If you read the op, it's clear that her daughter didn't start hiding her contact with her dad until the mother looked at her phone history and in her own words "freaked out". She said that it was the secrecy that made her freak out and that is what everyone is questioning. Why would a mother consider her daughter contacting her dad a "secret"? Why should a child feel like they have to ask permission to contact a parent and if they don't, they are doing something wrong and sneaky?
If her 12 year old daughter was hiding a relationship with an older boy, then I could understand the mother freaking out. Talking to her dad? I doubt that any child considers talking to a parent a "secret". The daughter originally left her contact history with her father on the phone and only started to keep contact with her dad a secret after her mother freaked out. That to me sets off alarm bells. After that she started clearing her history. I think it is incredibly sad that a child feels like they have to contact a parent in secret.
As the op has said herself, her and her ex do not have good communication. She texted him explaining that she wanted her daughter to have set times to call him and he rightly told her to cop on. This is why we are asking about the father. Unless there is a reason why the father should not be talking to his daughter, the mother has no right to interfere in their relationship.
As far as we know, before the mother "freaking out" and "having words" with her daughter, the daughter didn't hide her phone history. Now she feels like she has to hide it. This is not good. Anyone can see that.0 -
Sorry for delay in repling! Just to answer a few of your issue's...
!. She is 12 - I thought we were supposed to monitor our children's phone use???? Regardless of who there phoning! I hate the fact that she's deleting phone activity history and text messages! Why would you do that - and I have said this to her and told her I have no problem in the past with her contacting him but she is not to delete history from her phone!
2. No, her father is not a druggie or anything of the like but he is definatly 'Messed up' and has had a couple of break down's in the last couple of year's.
3. He is DEFINATLY poisining (maybe a strong word but can't think of another word to describe what is going on!) her mind against me - I have read text last year saying 'don't worry about her, she's just in a bad mood at the moment and don't take no notice of her' Lot's more example's of this kind of thing being said.............
4. She is very much against me and she has Zero respect for me - I am worried about the future and how will I handle her when she is 16.
5. I have no problem with her contacting her father during the week - but when it's secretive and she won't 'own' up to phoning him I do have a problem with it!
6. Just to let you know the hight of secrecty (to me) or 'conveniatly forgetting'..... She got a new phone cover in the post last week, as I was popping into school I brought it in and she said she didn't know where her phone was (they were going to there Dad's house that day) I said I would make sure when I got home that she had packed it. When I got home I checked everywhere and not a sign of it????? I went to pick her up after school and the teacher hand's me her phone saying she had been caught with it and had confiscated it!!!!!!!!!!!!
I do feel if I don't get a handle on this secrecy now I won't be able to handle her At ALL when she's 15-16 plus!0 -
Timmythedonkey wrote: »Sorry for delay in repling! Just to answer a few of your issue's...
!. She is 12 - I thought we were supposed to monitor our children's phone use???? Regardless of who there phoning! I hate the fact that she's deleting phone activity history and text messages! Why would you do that - and I have said this to her and told her I have no problem in the past with her contacting him but she is not to delete history from her phone!
2. No, her father is not a druggie or anything of the like but he is definatly 'Messed up' and has had a couple of break down's in the last couple of year's.
3. He is DEFINATLY poisining (maybe a strong word but can't think of another word to describe what is going on!) her mind against me - I have read text last year saying 'don't worry about her, she's just in a bad mood at the moment and don't take no notice of her' Lot's more example's of this kind of thing being said.............
4. She is very much against me and she has Zero respect for me - I am worried about the future and how will I handle her when she is 16.
5. I have no problem with her contacting her father during the week - but when it's secretive and she won't 'own' up to phoning him I do have a problem with it!
6. Just to let you know the hight of secrecty (to me) or 'conveniatly forgetting'..... She got a new phone cover in the post last week, as I was popping into school I brought it in and she said she didn't know where her phone was (they were going to there Dad's house that day) I said I would make sure when I got home that she had packed it. When I got home I checked everywhere and not a sign of it????? I went to pick her up after school and the teacher hand's me her phone saying she had been caught with it and had confiscated it!!!!!!!!!!!!
I do feel if I don't get a handle on this secrecy now I won't be able to handle her At ALL when she's 15-16 plus!
I'm not trying to be smart and please don't take this up the wrong way but what will happen when she's 18? You want her to trust you therefore you have to trust her. You are only pushing her away by what you are doing at the moment. There will be boys in the near future, you are just going to have to deal with this.
Slightly off topic but I went to a mixed school and met my best friend at the age of 12. I'm female, he's male we are still best friends 13 years on. Imagine my mam was checking my phone and decided that I shouldn't be texting or talking to boys? I know you have her best interests at heart but sometimes the apron strings have to be cut. You'll win some and you'll lose some. I would have been mortified if my mam had been checking my phone at that age. I never deleted my messages or anything but I definitely would have if I knew my mam was checking my phone. It's a teenage thing, you're not going to see eye to eye for a couple years, it happens. Her friends will become more important to her and so will her privacy. She'll see the light in her 20's and you'll be pals again. Cycle of life. Remember when you were a teenager?0 -
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Put her phone on bill pay if you want to track her. Alternatively you could work on your relationship with her and build some trust - at the moment it would seem she doesn't trust you.0
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You will make things worse the way you are going. Someone having breakdowns is no reason to call them "messed up" or any reason why he should not speak with his daughter.Timmythedonkey wrote: »Sorry for delay in repling! Just to answer a few of your issue's...
!. She is 12 - I thought we were supposed to monitor our children's phone use???? Regardless of who there phoning! I hate the fact that she's deleting phone activity history and text messages! Why would you do that - and I have said this to her and told her I have no problem in the past with her contacting him but she is not to delete history from her phone!
2. No, her father is not a druggie or anything of the like but he is definatly 'Messed up' and has had a couple of break down's in the last couple of year's.
3. He is DEFINATLY poisining (maybe a strong word but can't think of another word to describe what is going on!) her mind against me - I have read text last year saying 'don't worry about her, she's just in a bad mood at the moment and don't take no notice of her' Lot's more example's of this kind of thing being said.............
4. She is very much against me and she has Zero respect for me - I am worried about the future and how will I handle her when she is 16.
5. I have no problem with her contacting her father during the week - but when it's secretive and she won't 'own' up to phoning him I do have a problem with it!
6. Just to let you know the hight of secrecty (to me) or 'conveniatly forgetting'..... She got a new phone cover in the post last week, as I was popping into school I brought it in and she said she didn't know where her phone was (they were going to there Dad's house that day) I said I would make sure when I got home that she had packed it. When I got home I checked everywhere and not a sign of it????? I went to pick her up after school and the teacher hand's me her phone saying she had been caught with it and had confiscated it!!!!!!!!!!!!
I do feel if I don't get a handle on this secrecy now I won't be able to handle her At ALL when she's 15-16 plus!0 -
That's not poisoning her, that's him saying 'oh maybe your mum is having a bad day and that's why you feel she's lashing out at you'0
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OP, I agree with the other posters. You build up trust through respect. You have to understand that your little girl is growing up. She is probably deleting her phone history to avoid you going off on one about her contacting her dad, which should be encouraged, not discouraged. Yes, as a parent you should be monitoring her phone usage, but you get to live with her, she should be allowed contact her dad frequently without having to ask you first. I agree with Trampslikeus, having a breakdown does not make him messed up. I think it is really disrespectful that you would say that.
Your daughter is a growing young woman. She deserves to have as much contact with her PARENT as she likes, obviously as long as it is not at 1am or during school hours. They are the sorts of things you should be controlling, not when she speaks to her dad. Maybe part of her disrespecting you and not following your orders is because she doesn't understand or respect them. This will continue and get worse if you do not start compromising with her. You need to give her some control back on her own life. You seem a bit "my way or the highway" which absolutely does not work with teens/ pre teens.
Also- January was spot on above. Your daughter was probably complaining to her dad about your moods, and he was probably just responding by showing that he was hearing what she was saying. It is hardly poisoning her against you.0 -
Timmythedonkey wrote: »3. He is DEFINATLY poisining (maybe a strong word but can't think of another word to describe what is going on!) her mind against me - I have read text last year saying 'don't worry about her, she's just in a bad mood at the moment and don't take no notice of her' Lot's more example's of this kind of thing being said.............
From that example i'd suggest that 'poisoning' is a bit strong. I think you are expecting some kind of 'perfect' relationship with your daughter and i'm sorry to say that's just not realistic. She's entering her teenage years and no matter how brilliant a parent you are, there will always be friction. It will get worse before it gets better, but it's not her dad's fault. She's looking for someone to confide in that isn't you. Don't take offence to that. I'm assuming she lives with you full time? If so, then it's even more important that she has someone like her dad to talk to.
Your daughter needs two parents, and she needs to be able to talk to either one about the other and vent her feelings. Kids, especially 'tweens' and teens are a melting pot of emotion and turmoil. it's a natural thing.Timmythedonkey wrote: »She is very much against me and she has Zero respect for me - I am worried about the future and how will I handle her when she is 16.
Being overly controlling and demanding total transparency will most likely lead to even more resentment against you. I speak from personal experience. Kids want to be independent and free from parental control. If she was going out at all hours and not telling you where or who with and coming back stinking of fags and booze then you'd have a right to be concerned, but owning a phone is different.Timmythedonkey wrote: »I have no problem with her contacting her father during the week - but when it's secretive and she won't 'own' up to phoning him I do have a problem with it!
Maybe she has a problem with you having a problem with it? If you didn't react the way you have then maybe things would be different.Timmythedonkey wrote: »Just to let you know the height of secrecy (to me) or 'conveniatly forgetting'..... She got a new phone cover in the post last week, as I was popping into school I brought it in and she said she didn't know where her phone was (they were going to there Dad's house that day) I said I would make sure when I got home that she had packed it. When I got home I checked everywhere and not a sign of it????? I went to pick her up after school and the teacher hand's me her phone saying she had been caught with it and had confiscated it!!!
I've lost count of the number of times I got a phone confiscated in school, Along with everyone else. It's a symbol of coming of age and a certain 'loosening' of parental control. it's also a symbol of status among other students..quite normal.Timmythedonkey wrote: »I do feel if I don't get a handle on this secrecy now I won't be able to handle her At ALL when she's 15-16 plus!
It will only intensify as she goes through her teenage years until she's 18/19/20. Then things should settle down, the relationship between you will improve and you'll laugh together and remember when she used to hide her phone from you..
I was caught in the crossfire of an extremely messy divorce between my parents, and it did damage me to an extent. It's horrific, being 10+ and not knowing what the hell is happening and why mum and dad hate each other. I would never, ever wish it upon any child.
I mean all of this message to be constructive, and I hope it can perhaps help you to see things from a different angle and re-adjust your perspective. Be aware that as your daughter gets older you're going to have to make compromises and allow her a certain amount of freedom and independence. Teenagers CRAVE independence. It's just the way it is. Be supportive, be open, trust her and she will have no reason to resent your control.
Above all, i'd like to point out that some kids never get the chance to have any sort of relationship with their father. Like my brother and sister(different father to me), their dad is a deadbeat alcoholic who has never achieved anything and never will. He has no responsibility, no job, and no idea of what being a father figure is about. It breaks my heart because I have to be big brother and a kind of 'dad' to them as well. The fact that your kid has a dad that is at least willing to have them visit and keeps in contact with her is much, much more than a lot of children get.
Parenting is very complex and difficult, but it will get better. I wish you the very best and hope that we have been helpful in some way....boards is a wonderful place to gather opinion and perspective. The more heads, the better!
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OP, the message you read from her father reading take no notice of her, "she is in a bad mood", is not him poisoning her mind at all, and it's quite shocking that you would think that. To me, that sounds like what any father would say when their child is complaining about their parent, regardless of their relationship status. Clearly from reading that text you should have gauged that she is having some sort of relationship problem with you and finds you somewhat unapproachable.
I think you need to chill out a bit and let her call her dad whenever she wants. If he is "messed up", she will figure that out herself. You're doing neither yourself or your daughter any favours by your seemingly irrational behaviour.0 -
Frankly OP i feel sorry for the dad in this case, why has he not got the right to a private conversation with his daughter, you sometimes ask advice from one parent and not the other, How would you feel if her dad was reading everything you said to her or he wasn't allowing her to ring you whenever in private. Clearly their is a deep lack of trust between you and your daughter and unless you alter the restrictions it's likely you will drift apart and she becomes even more secretive. Lastly on your points about her father, him having a breakdown a few years ago is no reason to restrict your daughters access to him, unless he is a bad or dangerous influence on her and that does not sound the case, also you say he is poisoning her that comment was like anything a parent would say to a child when they talk about the other parent giving out to them ect. If anything her dad must feel you are poisoning her, making it seem like its some big deal to talk to her father, that she needs your say so to phone him. Your both her parents and she should be able to talk to either of you as often as she wishes without the other parent needing to know every detail of the conversation, do you tell your ex everything you and your daughter talk about?0
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Let's look at this alone. You have the right to monitor but if it's in relation to her father not control. There is a huge difference. You said in the OP that you "found she'd been phoning her dad " and "She must tell me if she's phoning her dad". You still need to answer why she must do so - he is her father - she has every right to keep in touch with him.Timmythedonkey wrote: »Sorry for delay in repling! Just to answer a few of your issue's...
!. She is 12 - I thought we were supposed to monitor our children's phone use???? Regardless of who there phoning! I hate the fact that she's deleting phone activity history and text messages! Why would you do that - and I have said this to her and told her I have no problem in the past with her contacting him but she is not to delete history from her phone!
So? Is that a reason that his daughter should be prevented from keeping in touch with him? Maybe having access to talk to his daughter could help him.Timmythedonkey wrote:2. No, her father is not a druggie or anything of the like but he is definatly 'Messed up' and has had a couple of break down's in the last couple of year's.
How about what you are saying about him here? What do you say to your daughter about him apart from telling her that she must ask your permission to contact him. There is an element of pot vs kettle here.Timmythedonkey wrote:3. He is DEFINATLY poisining (maybe a strong word but can't think of another word to describe what is going on!) her mind against me - I have read text last year saying 'don't worry about her, she's just in a bad mood at the moment and don't take no notice of her' Lot's more example's of this kind of thing being said.............Timmythedonkey wrote:4. She is very much against me and she has Zero respect for me - I am worried about the future and how will I handle her when she is 16.
5. I have no problem with her contacting her father during the week - but when it's secretive and she won't 'own' up to phoning him I do have a problem with it!
6. Just to let you know the hight of secrecty (to me) or 'conveniatly forgetting'..... She got a new phone cover in the post last week, as I was popping into school I brought it in and she said she didn't know where her phone was (they were going to there Dad's house that day) I said I would make sure when I got home that she had packed it. When I got home I checked everywhere and not a sign of it????? I went to pick her up after school and the teacher hand's me her phone saying she had been caught with it and had confiscated it!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm going to take these three together and I'm going to be quite blunt here - I don't blame her. You are showing complete lack of trust and respect for her and are attempting to control her relationship with her father. Of course she's going to react to that. As I said in my first response to this thread you are damaging your own relationship with your child and you need to show her some trust and respect if you want to regain that relationship. There is currently no trust between the two of you. You are the adult here - you need to start showing some trust and respect if you want to get any back. Respect is earned not given freely and 12 year olds deserve as much respect as an adult. Maybe if you had not tried to control her contacting her father then she wouldn't have felt the need to hide it from you and this wouldn't be an issue at all.
My opinion is that you should remove any barriers from her contacting her father and try to rebuild your relationship with her. You can't lose if you try this as neither of you currently trust each other.0 -
@GarIT. You said it yourself, the child is only 12 years old so any responsible parent should know what numbers or web sites their child visits or calls, it's the parent that's in control not the child, when she calls her Dad should be a matter for both parents to discuss and not the child.
Really? Monitoring the phone usage yes - so shes not ringing premium numbers or talking to people she shouldnt.
But her father? Atm this just stinks of mom being petty and spiteful - she and he dont talk so she enforces this on he daughter and then wonders why the daughter naturally enough wants to talk to her dad.
I think you need to be the better person and let go a little. Especially if your just being petty towards him and using your daughter as a weapon against him (which does happen)
Also think on this - shes 12 - you tell her no you cant, her father says yes you can - who do you think she is going to be going to in future?0 -
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freshpopcorn wrote: »The child should have every right to pick her phone up and call the dad. There's nothing wrong with it.
Its important that the the girl has a good relationship with both the mother and father. It doesn't matter if the parents don't get on. The child should be encouraged to communicate with her dad not discouraged.
There is everything wrong with that when the girls Mum read texts on her daughters phone from the Dad advising their daughter to rebel against her Mum, Of course there is everything wrong with that. :rolleyes:0 -
There is everything wrong with that when the girls Mum read texts on her daughters phone from the Dad advising their daughter to rebel against her Mum, Of course there is everything wrong with that. :rolleyes:
We've all ready discussed the the dad is not encouraging the daughter to rebel against the mother.
The OP is d this.Timmythedonkey wrote: »3. He is DEFINATLY poisining (maybe a strong word but can't think of another word to describe what is going on!) her mind against me - I have read text last year saying 'don't worry about her, she's just in a bad mood at the moment and don't take no notice of her' Lot's more example's of this kind of thing being said.............0
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