Why do guys do this?

Liger vs Tigon

scarymoon1 wrote: »

I might look into that as I just want to be at peace and not worrying about how to please my mother, I can't do that. Like this evening I was watching tv with my housemates and I just couldn't relax, I kept thinking stuff over and over!!! I hate it

Mindfulness and meditation is exactly what you need then, your repetitive thoughts are feeding your anxiety.

Have a look at some Eckharte Tolle youtube videos.

Legs.Eleven

I don't want to repeat what everyone has already said but again it struck me how you believe your life is not in your control (I'm referring to your post related to your spending as well). Your life is almost completely in your control and it'd be worth your while realising that. Once you come to the realisation that you have the power to sort out your situation without blaming external factors, you'll be infinitely happier. How do you cut back on spending money? Don't spend it. How do you stop getting treated badly by men? Be more cautious when meeting them and don't presume everyone has the best intentions (and it wouldn't hurt to treat them with a bit of respect as well). How can you be healthier and happier? Do things that make you happy and healthy.

Unless you have mental health problems, the only obstacle your putting in your way is your habit of blaming others.

And with regards to the pressure you feel from family and friends: I can bet you money it's all in your head. People are focused for the most part on their own lives and the idea that people are so concerned about your love life, job etc. is not realistic. This competitiveness you have with someone you call a friend is silly. Your 30 years old and a woman, so take control.

Be your own woman, be your own friend and give up playing the victim (I mean that in the nicest possible way - we all do it now and then). Only you can sort yourself out and it's not as difficult as you've made it out in your mind; life doesn't have to be this hard, OP. Look at everything positive in your life and focus on that. If you find your mind going down a negative path, go for a walk or a jog or read a book.

Good luck.

scarymoon1

beks101 wrote: »

Tbh the most shocking thing about this thread for me is the fact that you're 30 years old. You sound about as emotionally mature and copped on as someone half your age.

It's clear as mud from an outsider's stand-point where you're going wrong. As it is, you're a walking target for players, messers, time-wasters, aRseholes, any kind of guy that has less than worthy intentions. Because no self-respecting man would with a decent head on his shoulders would be attracted to this "like me like me like meeeeeeeeeeeeeee" thing that you've got going on the second you bump into anyone half interesting.

These guys are probably meeting you and thinking, "jeez yer one's a bit of a headcase, far too intense, not one to be taken seriously but sure have a bit of fun anyway, she's obviously up for anything she can get."

You say these guys are using you - you in turn are using the attention to validate yourself, to the point where you don't particularly care about THEIR feelings either (going back to the work fella for "compliments" despite not having any feelings for him)

When you walk around blaming the world for your problems and expecting other people to make you feel good about yourself, all the while playing these petty little pissing competitions and using others' reactions to you to prove a point to yourself - it doesn't tend to attract confident, well-adjusted, mature and decent people into your life. Because it's not confident, well-adjusted, mature and decent behaviour. It's childish and self-serving, and it's exactly what you will get back.

Why does age always have to come into it. Just because your such an age doesn't mean you should act a certain way. I wish I was like " oh I'm 30 now - time to stop feeling insecure"!!!! If it were that easy life would be easy for every one. Bit naive to think just because I'm 30 I shouldn't be feeling/acting this way.

Wibbs

scarymoon1 wrote: »

Why does age always have to come into it.

I strongly suspect the fact you're 30 is having a current effect on your thinking. Near textbook "oh god I'm 30, why am I single!!!" stuff.

Bit naive to think just because I'm 30 I shouldn't be feeling/acting this way.

It doesn't mean someone of 30 or 40 can't have such feelings, however it's less expected after people leave adolescence and figure themselves out in their 20's, or at least start that process, so outsiders will find it more incongruous in a 30 year old than they would in a 20 year old.

scarymoon1

Wibbs wrote: »

I strongly suspect the fact you're 30 is having a current effect on your thinking. Near textbook "oh god I'm 30, why am I single!!!" stuff.

It doesn't mean someone of 30 or 40 can't have such feelings, however it's less expected after people leave adolescence and figure themselves out in their 20's, or at least start that process, so outsiders will find it more incongruous in a 30 year old than they would in a 20 year old.

I couldn't care less that I'm single but the pressure and looks from other people gets to me that I'm still single! My housemate has even started asking am I single, where am I going, is it with a guy, nod nod wink wink sort of thing - and I've only just moved in with him! Everyone expects me to have a boyfriend and when I say no i feel like a dope!

lajoie

OP, I totally agree that age doesn't determine level of security and everyone on this planet has their own insecurities or personal battles. I think there comes a time though when it's better to "fake it til you make it" basically. Sometimes you just have to act like your confident and eventually, it comes! When you're younger, being openly insecure can be endearing, but eventually people want to have an equal partnership rather than an emotional rollercoaster of a relationship. Going for men purely because they show interest in you is always going to knock you back because you're building yourself based on what these people think of you. If anything, it kind of sounds like maybe you need to take a step back from dating and decide what you actually want in life, beside what you feel you should want. I don't know if meditation is a good path for you here because I think you need to change your thinking patterns, rather than relaxation patterns. I think Cognitive Behavioural Therapy would be a better and more productive route for you and there are free options available for that through online programmes etc. Feel free to PM me for specific links if you're interested/

dellas1979

scarymoon1 wrote: »

Bit naive to think just because I'm 30 I shouldn't be feeling/acting this way.

Well, it has a lot, actually. You are aging. Your body is aging. Your mind should be aging/becoming more mature.

Youre just constantly stuck in a particular mind set. And it is a little worrying at 30 years old that you seem to want to stay in this mind set or dont see another way (I'll just say it as it is: you sound like an insecure a teenager - thats what I read/see anyways - like reading/talking to a teenager).

You can behave in anyways you like, at any age, as long as you are happy and confident in what you are doing. But you are not happy and you are not confident, and you dont seem to like yourself - otherwise you wouldnt have all these problems/insecurities. You just seem to exist to please others.

I really really think its your opportunity now to grow up, take charge, take responsibility, and do something about all the things that are bothering you, and get to the bottom of why or where it all started.

ivytwine

Nothing to really add here- scarymoon1, I think you do need to take up mindfulness and take control of your life.

However I just want to say, it's not only guys, as someone on this thread has mentioned already, girls use guys for drinks. In my student days I did this. When I have a few drinks I love having rambling conversations with people, and I'm a bit of a natural flirt when I'm on form, I find people interesting and like making a fuss of them. Probably has been mistaken for other intentions a lot of times. My nights out are not with the sole intention of scoring, for me it is all about the craic. I once missed out the shift because I wanted to wait til the banjo solo in 'Little Lion Man' was over and the boy in question couldn't wait thirty seconds and stormed off.

I've also done one nighters and never called again- this must make me a man by your definition haha. Or maybe the worst person in the world :pac:

In short OP you might be looking at these men and seeing wedding bells, but they are thinking 'this girl is nice, sure why not have the craic with her.'

Also I know you say you project confidence but if you are coming over intensely to a man he will sense your insecurity, and if there's drink taken the truth won't be hidden for long.

Forget about men and work on yourself. Get your life in order- have you taken on any of the advice from the other thread about money? As another poster here said you couldn't bring a man into your life, the guy would have to be your supporter and backbone rather than an individual in a healthy relationship.

scarymoon1

dellas1979 wrote: »

Well, it has a lot, actually. You are aging. Your body is aging. Your mind should be aging/becoming more mature.

Youre just constantly stuck in a particular mind set. And it is a little worrying at 30 years old that you seem to want to stay in this mind set or dont see another way (I'll just say it as it is: you sound like an insecure a teenager - thats what I read/see anyways - like reading/talking to a teenager).

You can behave in anyways you like, at any age, as long as you are happy and confident in what you are doing. But you are not happy and you are not confident, and you dont seem to like yourself - otherwise you wouldnt have all these problems/insecurities. You just seem to exist to please others.

I really really think its your opportunity now to grow up, take charge, take responsibility, and do something about all the things that are bothering you, and get to the bottom of why or where it all started.

Why do you think I want to stay in this mindset?! If I did would I be posting on here to get criticised about how bad and immature I am!! Of course I want to change, I hate feeling like this every time a guy ditches me for someone else

ivytwine

scarymoon1 wrote: »

Why do you think I want to stay in this mindset?! If I did would I be posting on here to get criticised about how bad and immature I am!! Of course I want to change, I hate feeling like this every time a guy ditches me for someone else

Scarymoon, the people here want to help you. However you must realise how frustrating it must be to post good advice and to have it ignored.

In conclusion:

No-one knows why this guy did this you. I am sorry he did, and it's awful that you feel **** because of it, but maybe was just having the craic with you, not that into you, or preferred the someone else. These things happen, chalk it down, and move on. Don't blow it up to be something that it's not. As has been pointed out, it is not a uniquely male trait to lead someone on.

Stop panicking that you're thirty. At thirty Jesus was still a carpenter. You are still young but you do need to make changes to your life if you are to be happy.

Make those changes! You have it within your grasp. You got fantastic advice here from mindfullness to meditation and even links to where you can find these things. You also got fantastic practical advice on the other thread about money- have you put ANY of it into practice?

The reason that people are snapping at you here is because it's very hard to help someone who is convinced they can't be helped.

"The worst thing is watching someone drown and not being able to convince them that they can save themselves by just standing up."

Grayfoxy

ivytwine wrote: »

Scarymoon, the people here want to help you. However you must realise how frustrating it must be to post good advice and to have it ignored.

In conclusion:

No-one knows why this guy did this you. I am sorry he did, and it's awful that you feel **** because of it, but maybe was just having the craic with you, not that into you, or preferred the someone else. These things happen, chalk it down, and move on. Don't blow it up to be something that it's not. As has been pointed out, it is not a uniquely male trait to lead someone on.

Stop panicking that you're thirty. At thirty Jesus was still a carpenter. You are still young but you do need to make changes to your life if you are to be happy.

Make those changes! You have it within your grasp. You got fantastic advice here from mindfullness to meditation and even links to where you can find these things. You also got fantastic practical advice on the other thread about money- have you put ANY of it into practice?

The reason that people are snapping at you here is because it's very hard to help someone who is convinced they can't be helped.

"The worst thing is watching someone drown and not being able to convince them that they can save themselves by just standing up."

I gave up on this thread when I started suspecting it was just attention seeking.

When she is giving out about one guy leading her on, she goes off and starts leading her friend on for compliments (even though she is not into him)

It seems that every time you say something, someone gives you advice, then your problem turns into something different and so on.

Sorry to be harsh, but this thread is going absolutely nowhere, seems to be going down the same path as the OP's friend, attention seeking.

And OP:
Maybe that's why the guys ditch you, I would.
So, yea, good luck

scarymoon1

Grayfoxy wrote: »

I gave up on this thread when I started suspecting it was just attention seeking.

When she is giving out about one guy leading her on, she goes off and starts leading her friend on for compliments (even though she is not into him)

It seems that every time you say something, someone gives you advice, then your problem turns into something different and so on.

Sorry to be harsh, but this thread is going absolutely nowhere, seems to be going down the same path as the OP's friend, attention seeking.

And OP:
Maybe that's why the guys ditch you, I would.
So, yea, good luck

Thanks - nice of you!!

lajoie

Grayfoxy wrote: »

I gave up on this thread when I started suspecting it was just attention seeking.

When she is giving out about one guy leading her on, she goes off and starts leading her friend on for compliments (even though she is not into him)

It seems that every time you say something, someone gives you advice, then your problem turns into something different and so on.

Sorry to be harsh, but this thread is going absolutely nowhere, seems to be going down the same path as the OP's friend, attention seeking.

And OP:
Maybe that's why the guys ditch you, I would.
So, yea, good luck

While I think this is a *tad* harsh, I can understand where this poster is coming from - I think this conversation might be best had with someone who knows you in person because on a forum where none of us have any idea who you are, your past, personality etc. it's harder to understand elements of a situation that seems to have multiple tangents. I hope you do benefit from some of the advice given

Silverman11

scarymoon1 wrote: »

Men can you answer this - why do you flirt with girls and offer them drinks then when it comes to the crunch you say you've already gone on dates with someone else!! This has happened me numerous times - flirting, texting and then nothing as they drop in casually "oh I'm kinda seeing someone else". So annoyed/upset it keeps happening to me! To count this has happened me 3 times

I am a 20 year old male and I think it is really unfair when someone does that. I would never do that to a girl, it is so misleading. If a guy does that to you then he is not the one for you.

dellas1979

scarymoon1 wrote: »

Why do you think I want to stay in this mindset?! If I did would I be posting on here to get criticised about how bad and immature I am!! Of course I want to change, I hate feeling like this every time a guy ditches me for someone else

Because, well, so far all youve done is complain about other people. Rather than acknowledging and being responsible and possibly think (even 1%) "you know what, maybe there is something there (with me), and I want to change it"

You cant change the 1 billion or so people that are on the planet. You can only change yourself. It is very cliche. And at surface, they are words. Something people devoid to put in to practice.

This nonsense of he did this, and she said that, and he said, etc etc. Its nonsense. Wouldnt it be far better at 30 years old to say "What an idiot/hes not the one for me/I can do better etc" and move on with self esteem intact. Do you want to be like this at 31/32/33....50. What the guy did wasnt nice. We all agree that. But going into a spiral of self-hate over this is just not right OP.

But there in lies the issue. You dont seem to have the self-esteem at the moment. And in noway am I criticising you for this. It can be very hard when you feel like youve literally lost yourself. And I do wonder what happened you.

But, as said earlier, I really believe that this is an opportunity for you to try sort all this out.

Grayfoxy

You cant change the 1 billion or so people that are on the planet

Really?

dellas1979

I dunno what thats got to do with her thread grayfox. It was an example. Not an oxford referenced essay.

Grayfoxy

dellas1979 wrote: »

I dunno what thats got to do with her thread grayfox. It was an example. Not an oxford referenced essay.

I actually agree with your previous post, just found it a tad funny.

dellas1979

hehehe - Ah shur, at least it provided some entertainment

scarymoon1

Ok I think the thread had gone on long enough and will be locked soon. I appreciate all the advice and I don't ignore it as some people seem to think. I did take on the money advice too yes, I got paid today and so I've budgeted for the week. Il read back through the replies again and try and put them into force. Thanks

Liger vs Tigon

Silverman11 wrote: »

I am a 20 year old male and I think it is really unfair when someone does that. I would never do that to a girl, it is so misleading. If a guy does that to you then he is not the one for you.

There's nothing unfair flirting with women and not taking things further. It's completely normal to flirt with the opposite sex and then decide they aren't for you.