Under 27s getting married - do you take them seriously?

wuffly

Its not really about age so much as emotional maturity, I married my first husband at 19 he was terminally ill and 5 years older than me. My own brother politely asked why was i bothering 'he's going to die anyway'. I was the one there everyday of his illness not his family or his other friends most of them ran scared. He wanted us to be family officially and for me to have rights. I remarried when i was 28. Age has nothing to do with it.

martinedwards

my parents were married at 20 & 21

just celebrated 55 years.

my wife & I were 25 & 23.

23 years in July.

Santa Cruz

The Backwards Man wrote: »

I saw someone about 40ish getting on a bus this morning. I thought haha you wanker, you have no car.*

*I didn't really because I don't judge people like that

Ya Bus wanker!

Santa Cruz

mauzo! wrote: »

I'm getting married in May, we've been together less than a year.

I'm 22, he's 31. Ill keep you updated OP

Oh and we don't even live together yet!

He probably fancied you for 10 years

Legs.Eleven

Frank Lee Midere wrote: »

Not really. People will probably get lonelier if get remain unattached as they go older.friends get into family. Fewer people to hang with.

What do you mean "Not really"? Did you read her post? Meeting someone you want to spend the rest of your life with is not something you decide to when you get up one morning: "Oh! I think I'll meet the love of my life today!".



I think there's nothing more off-putting in a person than someone who pass-remarks on the lives of others like gossipy, bitter auld wans/fellas. The OP really takes the biscuit on that front.

denhaagenite

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

What do you mean "Not really"? Did you read her post? Meeting someone you want to spend the rest of your life with is not something you decide to when you get up one morning: "Oh! I think I'll meet the love of my life today!".

While I'll agree that the tone was patronising, I think the bottom line is if you really care about your future life partner that much, you should put an adequate amount of thought into your future together. I think 20 years ago it was not as easy to do that due to religion, societal norms etc but now thankfully we all have more options.

And there absolutely are people who have a timeline in their heads and just do it like this:

1. Degree
2. Travel
3. Job
4. Marriage
5. Children

Those people don't actually bother me a huge amount, as in my experience they are more likely to take responsibility if everything goes tits up. It's the people who are just swept along by the hysteria and then say it's nobodies fault when things don't go their way that bug me. The types that budget their weddings based on guest numbers, and their guest lists based on monetary gift likelihood

Legs.Eleven

denhaagenite wrote: »

While I'll agree that the tone was patronising, I think the bottom line is if you really care about your future life partner that much, you should put an adequate amount of thought into your future together. I think 20 years ago it was not as easy to do that due to religion, societal norms etc but now thankfully we all have more options.

And there absolutely are people who have a timeline in their heads and just do it like this:

1. Degree
2. Travel
3. Job
4. Marriage
5. Children

Those people don't actually bother me a huge amount, as in my experience they are more likely to take responsibility if everything goes tits up. It's the people who are just swept along by the hysteria and then say it's nobodies fault when things don't go their way that bug me. The types that budget their weddings based on guest numbers, and their guest lists based on monetary gift likelihood

I don't have that timeline in my head but that's how it's working out for me. Not how I planned but it but I only met the person I think I'll spend the rest of my life with 3 years ago. I had no control over that. The point Femme Fatale was making was that you can't marry someone you haven't met. People don't meet their love of their life so young anymore (although whether they ever did is debatable and perhaps a lot of it was marrying someone out of convenience/it being the thing to do/external pressure from society and family etc.).

I personally can't see anything wrong with the timeline you've outlined and don't understand why anyone would.

denhaagenite

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with when it works out like that naturally, in most cases it probably does. I disagree when people tick things off their list and then move onto the next and treat it like a life accomplishment though, like if you don't meet someone and get married you're losing at life.

Legs.Eleven

denhaagenite wrote: »

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with when it works out like that naturally, in most cases it probably does. I disagree when people tick things off their list and then move onto the next and treat it like a life accomplishment though, like if you don't meet someone and get married you're losing at life.

If people have a long-term plan, I can't see any problem with that. If getting married and having kids was something you always wanted, no worries. Big deal. You don't really have much control over it but it's okay to want those things.

Obviously when it becomes an obsession and you settle for the first person that comes along, then it's problematic and I think that's what you're referring to. I think most sane-minded people don't think in the way you've outlined above though. Just because people live life in the order you put in the post before this one, doesn't mean they're ticking any mental boxes and are only doing it to feel a sense of accomplishment. I think many young people believe that all (let's face it, women) lose their head when they hit 30 just because they want those things but it's not true.

I have no plans to get married but kids are on the cards and I have limited time biologically-speaking, so I have to plan. I haven't lost the head over it but I have to be realistic and plan.

Fudge You

bnt wrote: »

OP has a genuine First World Problem there. There are parts of the world in which girls in particular are lucky to reach puberty before being married off. The inventor of one of the world's major religions allegedly had a wife aged six, though (to be fair) they didn't consummate the marriage until she was ... nine.

First world problem???
I hate that saying. Sure nearly everything on boards is a first world problem, cause we are a developed nation.

Now you, finish your dinner because there are people in some place in the world that are starving.

cletus van damme

mauzo! wrote: »

I went out with a guy for 4 years when I was 17. It didn't work out, but I always knew it wouldn't. Think I was fooling myself.

I'm happy, my fiancé is happy, I'm not trying to justify it. You waited 6 years, I didn't. Your relationship is no more likely to succeed than mine

Dave147 wrote: »

****ing crazy..

mauzo - to hell with the haters - go do what makes you happy

I don't believe in marriage myself but had my first child at 25.
I think it was better than a lot of my peers wait till their 30s - mid 30's

I was young enough to have great craic with him (and still do) and I'll be 43 when he is 18 - still young enjoy each others company and give me many years of not changing ****ty nappies.
some of my friends will be almost 60 at their first kids 18th....jaysus.

denhaagenite

Exactly, that's what I'm saying- being swept away or just choosing the first person that makes themselves available I fundamentally disagree with.

Having said that, I never thought about getting married or having children when I first met my husband at the age of 21. I'd like to think that I would never find anyone who "inspires" me enough to think in such away but that's a luxury that I know I wouldn't have if I was meeting him at 31.

Legs.Eleven

denhaagenite wrote: »

Exactly, that's what I'm saying- being swept away or just choosing the first person that makes themselves available I fundamentally disagree with.

Having said that, I never thought about getting married or having children when I first met my husband at the age of 21. I'd like to think that I would never find anyone who "inspires" me enough to think in such away but that's a luxury that I know I wouldn't have if I was meeting him at 31.

Personally, I wasn't in the right head space at 21 to meet "The One". I was ridiculously immature and still quite intimidated by men I liked (after not having much luck with them in my teens and being quite shy). I met this man when I was 30 and like you, I didn't see the future father of my children in his eyes on our first date; I didn't think it'd last at all. It worked out because we clicked over time and now he's my best friend.

Tbh, I only want kids because I've met him. I specifically want kids with him. Before meeting him I wasn't that into the idea. If we broke up tomorrow, I'd probably give up on the idea. That's me though. My age is something I have to take into account but tbh, the person I'm actually having them with is more important.

denhaagenite

We started going out when I was 22 and I married him having thought about it long and hard for a few years but I digress .

Bottom line is, I do agree that age is a factor and that's why I preferred to wait a few years to make sure we were making the right decision, however from experience I can see other people doing the checklist or just rushing in for whatever reason and I think it makes a mockery of the whole thing. In fact, we were at an engagement party of a couple who said that us getting married was what inspired them to do the same thing. They'd only known each other a few months (she was his plus one at our wedding) and I made a decision to distance myself from them after that. Also, a family member actually called me to ask me if she could get married before me or if I would be annoyed at her for upstaging us?!?! They had only been seeing each other for a year, they had their first child 6 months ago and can hardly look at each other. I have plenty more horror stories that I don't want to go into here but you get my jist.

I take my marriage extremely seriously and informed my husband beforehand that I did not believe in divorce so he would have to be aware that once we were married, that was it, for life.

Hellrazer

I got married at 21.My wife was 22.Bought our first house before we got married at 20 and 21.
After 4 kids.2 dogs,1 cat,numerous reptiles and 3 different house purchases we`ll be married 18 years in August.

I can honestly say Im as much in love with her as the day I met her--actually no that's wrong.Im probably more in love with her.

This thing about age doesn't and shouldn't matter.If you find the "one" then age is completely irrelevant.

Id actually say that its better getting married young.I have friends who got married in their 30s.Then its all a big rush to have kids and you don't get to know the person.The amount of friends who are in such a rush to have families and have went through IVF because they are that bit older is scary.That alone can break up marriages with the stress of it etc.

With ourselves we were young enough to have fun without rushing into kids etc and its even better now with our oldest being 16... we have a built in baby sitter and our social life is as good now as it was in our 20s....our friends who are the same age struggle to get time for a piss because they got married later and are raising young kids when our family is complete.They cant even get out for a coffee never mind a piss up.

denhaagenite

Hellrazer wrote: »

I got married at 21.My wife was 22.Bought our first house before we got married at 20 and 21.
After 4 kids.2 dogs,1 cat,numerous reptiles and 3 different house purchases we`ll be married 18 years in August.

I can honestly say Im as much in love with her as the day I met her--actually no that's wrong.Im probably more in love with her.

This thing about age doesn't and shouldn't matter.If you find the "one" then age is completely irrelevant.

Id actually say that its better getting married young.I have friends who got married in their 30s.Then its all a big rush to have kids and you don't get to know the person.The amount of friends who are in such a rush to have families and have went through IVF because they are that bit older is scary.That alone can break up marriages with the stress of it etc.

With ourselves we were young enough to have fun without rushing into kids etc and its even better now with our oldest being 16... we have a built in baby sitter and our social life is as good now as it was in our 20s....our friends who are the same age struggle to get time for a piss because they got married later and are raising young kids when our family is complete.They cant even get out for a coffee never mind a piss up.

The built in babysitter does sound SWEET and it's lovely that you still have those feelings for your wife- but shouldn't you get to know each other before you get married?

Legs.Eleven

We started going out when I was 22 and I married him having thought about it long and hard for a few years but I digress .

Bottom line is, I do agree that age is a factor and that's why I preferred to wait a few years to make sure we were making the right decision, however from experience I can see other people doing the checklist or just rushing in for whatever reason and I think it makes a mockery of the whole thing. In fact, we were at an engagement party of a couple who said that us getting married was what inspired them to do the same thing. They'd only known each other a few months (she was his plus one at our wedding) and I made a decision to distance myself from them after that. Also, a family member actually called me to ask me if she could get married before me or if I would be annoyed at her for upstaging us?!?! They had only been seeing each other for a year, they had their first child 6 months ago and can hardly look at each other. I have plenty more horror stories that I don't want to go into here but you get my jist.

I don't really know why you care so much. Why would you cut someone off just because they made a personal decision that doesn't affect you in the slightest to get married after a few months? People getting their knickers in a twist over the decisions of other people that don't affect them are an absolute mystery to me. Marriage is a big deal to you and not to others. And who's to say the marriage won't last? At the end of the day, I personally couldn't give a damn.

I take my marriage extremely seriously and informed my husband beforehand that I did not believe in divorce so he would have to be aware that once we were married, that was it, for life.

Would you stay in the marriage even if you ended up falling out of love?

denhaagenite

denhaagenite wrote: »

The built in babysitter does sound SWEET and it's lovely that you still have those feelings for your wife- but shouldn't you get to know each other before you get married?

Maybe they were friend's since they were kids?

Sligo1

denhaagenite wrote: »

The built in babysitter does sound SWEET and it's lovely that you still have those feelings for your wife- but shouldn't you get to know each other before you get married?

Are you saying it takes years to get to know someone? I don't think it does. Myself and my husband will only be together 3 years in April coming. Durin that 3 years we have been engaged, got married, had a son, and have another baby due in a month. I know my husband like the back of my hand, better than he knows himself.So much so it prob annoys him... And he knows exactly what buttons to push and not to push with me aswell.

denhaagenite

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

I don't really know why you care so much. Why would you cut someone off just because they made a personal decision that doesn't affect you in the slightest to get married after a few months?

I was insulted that they thought so little of my decision and I didn't have much to talk about with people I felt didn't take theirs seriously enough. I thought it was better to just not be friends anymore rather than be seen to be supportive when I was the opposite.

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

Would you stay in the marriage even if you ended up falling out of love?

I was 100% sure that we were the real deal, and in my opinion a lot (not all) of marriages fail because people don't work hard enough at them, or don't talk about things enough when the warning signs come up. We have been in some extremely difficult situations and come out of them stronger, we're quite confident that we made the right decision. If we fell out of love, we might separate, but divorce is not an option for us no matter what comes up- we have discussed it and are both in agreement.

denhaagenite

Sligo1 wrote: »

Are you saying it takes years to get to know someone? I don't think it does.

Deleted User wrote: »

Maybe they were friend's since they were kids?

To clarify, I was quoting Hellrazer:

Hellrazer wrote: »

Id actually say that its better getting married young.I have friends who got married in their 30s.Then its all a big rush to have kids and you don't get to know the person.The amount of friends who are in such a rush to have families and have went through IVF because they are that bit older is scary.That alone can break up marriages with the stress of it etc.

I'm not musing on how long it takes to get to know a person, before he asked me on our first date I felt like I'd known my fella all our lives, but I don't think being married means you know a person better. My sis and her husband had a very sick baby when they'd only been married a year and they handled the whole situation so well that it made me cry. I'm still in awe of them for it, but if they hadn't known eachother inside out I'm not sure how they would've come through it. They had been together for 10 years though.

Hellrazer

denhaagenite wrote: »

To clarify, I was quoting Hellrazer:



I'm not musing on how long it takes to get to know a person, before he asked me on our first date I felt like I'd known my fella all our lives, but I don't think being married means you know a person better. My sis and her husband had a very sick baby when they'd only been married a year and they handled the whole situation so well that it made me cry. I'm still in awe of them for it, but if they hadn't known eachother inside out I'm not sure how they would've come through it. They had been together for 10 years though.

We`d been together for 2 years before we got married.And honestly we knew each other inside out in those 2 years.The scary thing is we are almost complete opposites our political/religious etc views...makes for interesting Saturday night drunken discussions :D:D

But don't get me wrong there were hard times and issues that we had to deal with.
The biggest one was overcoming infertility and miscarriage.Our oldest is 16(she was born at 28 weeks and Jesus 16 years ago that was hard to deal with-basically being told that she had a 20% chance of survival) our next is 7.We also started fostering 10 years ago after being told we`d probably never have kids again but had so much to give another child and then 2 more came along quite close together.

Fostering in itself is enough to drive a couple apart...actually dealing with the HSE would drive you insane.

Its those kind of things that make a relationship whether that's a marriage or not.If you can get through the hard things in life as a couple without one or the other giving up and walking away then you have found your soulmate.

Toto Wolfcastle

I don't think that it matters how long you've known each other when it comes to dealing with the stress that comes with illness, infertility, etc. I think the only thing that matters is how strong your relationship is, and you can have as strong a relationship after a year as you can have after 10 years. You can be with someone for 10 years and a stressful situation can tear the relationship apart.

Legs.Eleven

Bobblehead Panda wrote: »

I don't think that it matters how long you've known each other when it comes to dealing with the stress that comes with illness, infertility, etc. I think the only thing that matters is how strong your relationship is, and you can have as strong a relationship after a year as you can have after 10 years. You can be with someone for 10 years and a stressful situation can tear the relationship apart.

And I don't think any couple knows how they'll cope with those issues until they arise and it doesn't matter if they were together a year or 20 years.


I think I've just repeated what you said in different words....

Hellrazer

Bobblehead Panda wrote: »

I don't think that it matters how long you've known each other when it comes to dealing with the stress that comes with illness, infertility, etc. I think the only thing that matters is how strong your relationship is, and you can have as strong a relationship after a year as you can have after 10 years. You can be with someone for 10 years and a stressful situation can tear the relationship apart.

Exactly and we did after what everyone thought was a short time ie only 2 years.And we what people described as "too young"

Legs.Eleven wrote: »

And I don't think any couple knows how they'll cope with those issues until they arise and it doesn't matter if they were together a year or 20 years.


I think I've just repeated what you said in different words....

But surely as you are getting to know someone discussions come up about how your future spouse would deal with it IF it happened.
Im not saying a full on list but you get a feel for how people deal with things differently.

Hello_MrFox

I think you can kind of tell the couples who will likely stay together - its usually the ones who have been together for along time before they decide to get hitched.

Legs.Eleven

Hellrazer wrote: »

But surely as you are getting to know someone discussions come up about how your future spouse would deal with it IF it happened.
Im not saying a full on list but you get a feel for how people deal with things differently.

You might get a feel for it alright but it guarantees nothing. I have no plans to get married but 9 months after I might my boyfriend, his dad got cancer and was dead within a year. I stayed with him because I loved him, not because I'm the kind of person who stays with men during the tough times (I had a lot of very short relationships previous to that). It was in that moment that I realised I loved him and even more than that, I cared about him and wanted to be there for him. Neither of us could predict how either of us would react before that (we obviously didn't even know it would happen). You hear of couples falling apart after being together for years when tragedy strikes. You just never know. None of us are psychic.

Legs.Eleven

And marriage =/= forever either.

Sligo1

Hello_MrFox wrote: »

I think you can kind of tell the couples who will likely stay together - its usually the ones who have been together for along time before they decide to get hitched.

I find that really narrow minded. I know sooo many couples who've been together over 10 years and never gotten married... Only for them to split after a long winded engagement and then 2 years later they are married to someone else!

I had a couple of 3-4 year relationships in my 20's. one was to a guy 4 years older than me. They didnt work due to various reasons... Immaturity, control issues and the like.

I was engaged to my husband after 8 months of knowing him and I can honestly say he's the kindest, funniest, most decent man I've ever met in my life. He's never made me cry and he's never ever hurt me. We will have 2 beautiful children come March and I know that we will be able to deal with any issues tht come out way because we have built out marriage on a solid foundation and have the same life morals, ethics and life goals. IMO I don't think you need to be together years and years to establish those vital core commonalities exist in eachother.

wuffly

Bad things happen and sometimes people can't cope as a unit, its nothing to do with time. The first guy i dated seriously after my first husband passed away was a lovely guy but he just kept trying to fix me or fill a gap that he didn't understand. When i met my husband, he cried when i told him about my past and he accepts its part of me and always makes sure I acknowledge it when i need to, i don't have to hide my sad days. That's how i knew he was a keeper. As for 'the one' its a heap of rubbish you don't get one chance at love or happiness.