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GAY RELATIONSHIP AND INFIDELITY

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    #32
    emmbay
    Registered Users Posts: 95 ✭✭emmbay


    Dr. Shrike wrote: »
    To be honest, it's best to see this as no-one's fault but your own.

    Sounds harsh, but when you're older/wiser you'll realise how much your own emotions will fool you into getting exactly what they want, even if it messes your life up.

    If you thought you *just* wanted to be friends with that guy, then that's clearly nonsense. Some part of you wanted to be in a relationship with him and that makes your own emotions untrustworthy.

    The sooner you realise you have to keep as close an eye on your own feelings, as any two-faced man in real life, the sooner you'll begin avoiding all this silly drama.

    Oh ofcourse I got to put my hands up and admit I got into this situation and I done what I done. I'm responsible for my actions and I ain't some silly teenager.


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    #33
    emmbay
    Registered Users Posts: 95 ✭✭emmbay


    baby and crumble wrote: »
    I am, but lots of people are giving you the exact same advice. And more importantly I am removed from the situation. I can see it for what it is- really messed up!

    I don't know what society has to do with this tbh. You don't want to break up with him or have him break up with his bf, so what's the option? If a mutual arrangement would work by all means give it a go- but prepared for it all to go tits up and turn into a total car crash. Not, I hasten to add, because it's a triple relationship, but because you are pretty niaive and these two guys are completely disfunctional.

    Thanks anyway. Whatever happens I am prepared for it I do realise every action has repercussions. Thanks


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    #34
    emmbay
    Registered Users Posts: 95 ✭✭emmbay


    Dr. Shrike wrote: »
    To be honest, it's best to see this as no-one's fault but your own.

    Sounds harsh, but when you're older/wiser you'll realise how much your own emotions will fool you into getting exactly what they want, even if it messes your life up.

    If you thought you *just* wanted to be friends with that guy, then that's clearly nonsense. Some part of you wanted to be in a relationship with him and that makes your own emotions untrustworthy.

    The sooner you realise you have to keep as close an eye on your own feelings, as any two-faced man in real life, the sooner you'll begin avoiding all this silly drama.

    Oh ofcourse I got to put my hands up and admit I got into this situation and I done what I done. I'm responsible for my actions and I ain't some silly teenager.


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    #35
    emmbay
    Registered Users Posts: 95 ✭✭emmbay


    floggg wrote: »
    OP I don't know where to begin on this cluster **** of an arrangement you've ended up in.

    I'm going to guess that you are perhaps a bit young and not that experienced at the dating game.

    Anyway, this has been a mess from day one. The two lads clearly have an extremely dysfunctional relationship, and how you let yourself get so tangled up in it is beyond me.

    The fact that they have both caught each other chatting to guys online with a view to meeting them, and now both slept with the same guy means that (a) they are less likely to break up now and (b) are not capable of nor expecting a normal monogamous relationship.

    Which is bad for you if you have an ideas about getting with Guy 1.

    I'd also point out that while you think you have a connection with him and that he genuinely loves you, considering the background to this story he seems to be a very manipulative type of person and can't be taken at face value.


    He started chatting with you online looking for sex while in a relationship, got caught but still persuaded you to be friends with. Starting having sex with you anyway, and integrated you into his life. Encouraged you to have sex with his boyfriend (or at least gave you the greed light). Asked to see messages between you and so knew there was something going on. Then got angry when he found out that the thing he said you could do happened.

    And now you feel guilty about this and are worried that you will be the bad guy - even though the two of them cheated with you and had varying degrees of knowledge about what was going on?

    Added to the fact that you allowed all this to happen, and found yourself having sex with guy 2 even when you say you didn't really want to.

    It seems you are being manipulated by them both and don't even realise it.

    It seems to me they have more issues between them then the RTE guide, they are both to carrying degrees manipulative and deceitful, clearly incapable of a monogamous and respectful relationship and are just trouble all around.

    And that you are perhaps rather naive and innocent and will believe anything your are told as long as it's what you want to hear.

    If you stay involved with these two in either way, you'll get hurt. Even if they break up and you get with guy A, he'll likely end up cheating on you at some point. He may even convince you to agree to it.

    You can stay friends but you'll likely fall back into bed with him the first time he tries it.

    And you can try the whole open relationship thing but these guys can't be trusted to obey the rules, clearly don't communicate effectively enough for that to work and you probably aren't mature are savy enough for that type of relationship even it was functional - which this one isn't.

    Honest advice here is cut and run, and go spend so time about how you landed yourself in this and what you want out of a relationship.

    Thanks for your advice. My head is all over the place as you can imagine. I know I'm not to blame in any of this they are both grown men and are responsible for their own actions as am I and I hold my hands up to that. Thanks


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    #36
    floggg
    Registered Users Posts: 5,821 ✭✭✭floggg


    emmbay wrote: »
    Thanks for your advice. My head is all over the place as you can imagine. I know I'm not to blame in any of this they are both grown men and are responsible for their own actions as am I and I hold my hands up to that. Thanks

    Can I ask what you are going to do?


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    #37
    orionm_73
    Registered Users Posts: 357 ✭✭orionm_73


    I know I'm not to blame in any of this they are both grown men and are responsible for their own actions as am I and I hold my hands up to that. Thanks

    Not sure I follow this, you say you know you're not to blame but then say you hold your hands up to that?
    Whatever happens I am prepared for it

    Rather then let whatever happens just happen, I'd take the advice of previous posters and walk away. Accepting 'whatever happens' sounds to me like you are really hoping to have Guy #1 as your boyfriend. Even if that did happen do you think he won't continue to chat to other guys online? Also ask yourself if there are any other guys he is in contact with right now


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    #38
    emmbay
    Registered Users Posts: 95 ✭✭emmbay


    floggg wrote: »
    Can I ask what you are going to do?

    I am just going to stand up for what I done and face the facts that it is wrong.

    With the lads I will just play it by ear. If guy 1 wants to talk I'll listen. I know if someone is telling the truth or are they are just telling me want I want to hear.
    If he wants he can sort it with his bf himself I do see clearly that they have a huge problem and there relationship won't last and if it does last it's only because they are afraid that they will lose there security of having a house, car and money etc.
    It is a huge learning curve for me and obviously I will learn from my mistakes atleast now I know I can be open with someone and if they don't like me that is their problem


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    #39
    emmbay
    Registered Users Posts: 95 ✭✭emmbay


    orionm_73 wrote: »
    Not sure I follow this, you say you know you're not to blame but then say you hold your hands up to that?



    Rather then let whatever happens just happen, I'd take the advice of previous posters and walk away. Accepting 'whatever happens' soundsotop me like you are really hoping to have Guy #1 as your boyfriend. Even if that did happen do you think he won't continue to chat to other guys online? Also ask yourself if there are any other guys he is in contact with right now

    I am not the one to blame for what happened their was two of us involved. I hold my hands up to what happened means I ain't gonna lie about it.. I ain't gonna end up with him because I don't want to even if I do love him and care


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    #40
    emmbay
    Registered Users Posts: 95 ✭✭emmbay


    orionm_73 wrote: »
    Not sure I follow this, you say you know you're not to blame but then say you hold your hands up to that?



    Rather then let whatever happens just happen, I'd take the advice of previous posters and walk away. Accepting 'whatever happens' soundsotop me like you are really hoping to have Guy #1 as your boyfriend. Even if that did happen do you think he won't continue to chat to other guys online? Also ask yourself if there are any other guys he is in contact with right now

    I am not the one to blame for what happened their was two of us involved. I hold my hands up to what happened means I ain't gonna lie about it.. I ain't gonna end up with him because I don't want to even if I do love him and care


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    #41
    orionm_73
    Registered Users Posts: 357 ✭✭orionm_73


    If you don't want to end up with him then walk away. Trying to be friends with him hasn't worked in the past, despite you setting rules, he made a move on you. Why would you think he will respect any rules you set down in the future?


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    #42
    floggg
    Registered Users Posts: 5,821 ✭✭✭floggg


    emmbay wrote: »
    I am just going to stand up for what I done and face the facts that it is wrong.

    With the lads I will just play it by ear. If guy 1 wants to talk I'll listen. I know if someone is telling the truth or are they are just telling me want I want to hear.
    If he wants he can sort it with his bf himself I do see clearly that they have a huge problem and there relationship won't last and if it does last it's only because they are afraid that they will lose there security of having a house, car and money etc.
    It is a huge learning curve for me and obviously I will learn from my mistakes atleast now I know I can be open with someone and if they don't like me that is their problem

    What age are you OP? And how long are you out?


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    #43
    emmbay
    Registered Users Posts: 95 ✭✭emmbay


    orionm_73 wrote: »
    If you don't want to end up with him then walk away. Trying to be friends with him hasn't worked in the past, despite you setting rules, he made a move on you. Why would you think he will respect any rules you set down in the future?

    People do change. But I actually am confused


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    #44
    emmbay
    Registered Users Posts: 95 ✭✭emmbay


    floggg wrote: »
    What age are you OP? And how long are you out?

    I'm 21 been out ten years. Actually never been in lol


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    #45
    floggg
    Registered Users Posts: 5,821 ✭✭✭floggg


    emmbay wrote: »
    I'm 21 been out ten years. Actually never been in lol

    And what age are these guys?


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    #46
    emmbay
    Registered Users Posts: 95 ✭✭emmbay


    floggg wrote: »
    And what age are these guys?

    Both 25


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    #47
    floggg
    Registered Users Posts: 5,821 ✭✭✭floggg


    emmbay wrote: »
    Both 25

    Well they are old enough to have their **** together by now.

    You might not think so but you're still fairly young and naive.

    I think you are best off staying well clear. You might think you can tell when people are honest or not, but clearly this guy has talked you into a very ****ed up situation.

    You've exercised pretty poor judgment in this as well, so I would say that it's just safest to avoid.

    However ultimately it's up to you.

    But just prepare yourself for when it all goes wrong.


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    #48
    emmbay
    Registered Users Posts: 95 ✭✭emmbay


    floggg wrote: »
    Well they are old enough to have their **** together by now.

    You might not think so but you're still fairly young and naive.

    I think you are best off staying well clear. You might think you can tell when people are honest or not, but clearly this guy has talked about you into a very ****ed up situation.

    You've exercised pretty poor judgment in this as well, so I would say that it's just safest to avoid.

    However ultimately it's up to you.

    But just prepare yourself for when it all goes wrong.

    Yeah I understand and thanks


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    #49
    jabarrett35
    Registered Users Posts: 456 ✭✭jabarrett35


    How long have they been together? I have the feeling your not the first person #1 has played. Because you've been played you know? As my friend said to me you need to learn scumbag 101. That's what he is a scumbag, he sleeps with you and then basically pimps out his bf to you who does that?! The fact you slept with both of them wasn't the greatest of ideas. Like everyone else has told you head for the hills. However it's ultimately your decision to make. It is however a train wreck of a situation.


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    #50
    emmbay
    Registered Users Posts: 95 ✭✭emmbay


    jabarrett35 wrote: »
    How long have they been together? I have the feeling your not the first person #1 has played. Because you've been played you know? As my friend said to me you need to learn scumbag 101. That's what he is a scumbag, he sleeps with you and then basically pimps out his bf to you who does that?! The fact you slept with both of them wasn't the greatest of ideas. Like everyone else has told you head for the hills. However it's ultimately your decision to make. It is however a train wreck of a situation.

    I don't think it was intentional to play me but obviously I have been as everyone is saying that and I do see it. I never imagined it would escalate to the way it did. I know for a fact I'm not the first but he has said the difference is he actually cares about me and has shown it in things he has done. I'm not deluded that he isn't being a **** to his bf in the first place by doing what he has done but is it not possible for people to fall in love if you are in a relationship.. I'm probably contradicting myself hugely


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    #51
    jabarrett35
    Registered Users Posts: 456 ✭✭jabarrett35


    emmbay wrote: »
    I don't think it was intentional to play me but obviously I have been as everyone is saying that and I do see it. I never imagined it would escalate to the way it did. I know for a fact I'm not the first but he has said the difference is he actually cares about me and has shown it in things he has done. I'm not deluded that he isn't being a **** to his bf in the first place by doing what he has done but is it not possible for people to fall in love if you are in a relationship.. I'm probably contradicting myself hugely

    I'm a lot older than you and I got played by a chap. So don't beat yourself up too much. Mine told me that he'd been leading me on which in my book takes it to another level of scumbaggery altogether I think. I've the feeling he does love you but not in the way a person wants to be loved. He has manipulated you and that's was from the get go. At 25 he's unlikely to change I'm afraid.


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    #52
    emmbay
    Registered Users Posts: 95 ✭✭emmbay


    jabarrett35 wrote: »
    I'm a lot older than you and I got played by a chap. So don't beat yourself up too much. Mine told me that he'd been leading me on which in my book takes it to another level of scumbaggery altogether I think. I've the feeling he does love you but not in the way a person wants to be loved. He has manipulated you and that's was from the get go. At 25 he's unlikely to change I'm afraid.

    Well then if its the case, what I have experienced with other people before this and including this situation all men are the same unfortunately as I can cry my eyes out about being used etc but I myself have done it before and I really am not a bad person and anyone who knew me wouldn't think I was capable of it but it happens. I think it's human nature


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    #53
    jabarrett35
    Registered Users Posts: 456 ✭✭jabarrett35


    What deliberately leading someone on? Well may be for a few weeks but not for over a year. That's not human nature. I'd worry if you thought that was normal to do that.


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    #54
    emmbay
    Registered Users Posts: 95 ✭✭emmbay


    jabarrett35 wrote: »
    What deliberately leading someone on? Well may be for a few weeks but not for over a year. That's not human nature. I'd worry if you thought that was normal to do that.

    Leading someone on is different than playing someone.. Well in my opinion it is anyway.


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    #55
    orionm_73
    Registered Users Posts: 357 ✭✭orionm_73


    I know for a fact I'm not the first but he has said the difference is he actually cares about me and has shown it in things he has done.

    And he probably said and did all those things to the previous guys.
    Leading someone on is different than playing someone

    Even if this was true the end result is the same. Maybe deep down you find it hard to admit you've been led on or been played.


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    #56
    jabarrett35
    Registered Users Posts: 456 ✭✭jabarrett35


    emmbay wrote: »
    Leading someone on is different than playing someone.. Well in my opinion it is anyway.

    I think they are equally as bad and result in a lot of heartache. If you think toying with other ppls feelings ok then I'm sorry it's not. Doing it for your own base pleasure is sociopathic which is what happened to me. I'm not saying that's what you did. But it's not acceptable behaviour.


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    #57
    Locker10a
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 4,173 Mod ✭✭✭✭Locker10a


    Emmbay you probably cant see as you are so involved in the situation ! But from an outside perspective its clearly an insidious relationship you have with the couple and one you need to abandon, seriously your life is super Jeremy Kyle right now! No one should be proud of a Jeremy Kyle life! You need to sort it all out!!


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    #58
    lottpaul
    Registered Users Posts: 1,164 ✭✭✭lottpaul


    baby and crumble wrote: »
    In my opinion op I'd run, and run far. It'll all end in tears.


    Best advice I've seen. I'd give it very serious consideration. At the very least you need to cut contact to be able to think about it all - coldly and clearly.


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    #59
    emmbay
    Registered Users Posts: 95 ✭✭emmbay


    lottpaul wrote: »
    Best advice I've seen. I'd give it very serious consideration. At the very least you need to cut contact to be able to think about it all - coldly and clearly.

    Thank and I agree I am distancing myself from the situation.


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    #60
    emmbay
    Registered Users Posts: 95 ✭✭emmbay


    Locker10a wrote: »
    Emmbay you probably cant see as you are so involved in the situation ! But from an outside perspective its clearly an insidious relationship you have with the couple and one you need to abandon, seriously your life is super Jeremy Kyle right now! No one should be proud of a Jeremy Kyle life! You need to sort it all out!!

    Yeah it totally is, might actually go on it to get some time on tv it would be great haha.. Nah I'm doing what should have been donw in the first place and walking away. I hurt myself more than anyone in the situation I got myself into and I need to end it to make me a better person.


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