Briefly kissed someone else - sick with guilt

miss no stars

Emme wrote: »

I think this is very naive. If the OP and the "friend" get together to tell the OP's girlfriend she will most likely dump him on the spot and never forgive him.

If he must tell her (which in my opinion is unadvisable) he should tell her on his own and say that the "friend" was drunk and may not remember what she did (implying that she initiated the kiss).

However, I think it would be selfish of the OP to offload his guilt by telling. Some things should be left unsaid. At the end of the day it's the "friends" word against his and if he denies that anything happens who can dispute him? The "friend" was extremely drunk and if she can't remember what she did now who's to say what she remembers later may be true?

It's not naive at all. It's one thing to be kissed by a drunk friend (and to actually pull away - it's not like he launched into a big make-out session and took advantage of the situation), it's another to hide it. Mistakes happen, but hiding it is devious and undermines the trust in the relationship more than the mistake itself does.

I also never said he should get together with the friend to tell the girlfriend, I said HE should tell the girlfriend.

I'm also not saying that he should do it to offload guilt, I'm saying he should tell her so that she's not being played for a fool. Ya know, show her some respect. Let her hear it directly and not through the grapevine after her other half has hidden it from her. She might be angry, but at least she'll know that the OP is being honest with her and isn't going to go behind her back cheating on her. A drunk friend kissed him and he pulled away. Better to hear the real story than to hear a grapevine modified version of it. These things get back to people. Of course he can tell her how drunk the friend was, he can of course mention that she probably doesn't even remember it.

alias06

miss no stars wrote: »

I'm also not saying that he should do it to offload guilt, I'm saying he should tell her so that she's not being played for a fool. Ya know, show her some respect.

The way this is written you would think there had been some serious infidelity here. There wasn't. There is no question of her being played for a fool or disrespected. A drunk friend of her partners kissed him and he pulled away. There are plenty of guys who have found themselves in this situation and woke up the next morning having slept with the other girl. That didn't happen. There is no need for him to go sabatoging his relationship over something that didn't happen.

miss no stars wrote: »

Let her hear it directly and not through the grapevine after her other half has hidden it from her.

Hear what through the grapevine? This other women is married. Is really going to go around telling people that she tried to kiss her friends partner of ten years but it went nowhere. If she does she is malicious or crazy. She got up the next morning and acted like nothing happened. Naturally. Nothing of any signifcance happened. There is nothing to see here. Move along.

ShowMeTheCash

OK dude, first off do not listen to a single woman on this thread!

1. Being drunk is no excuse... Sure it is... You get drunk enough you would be amazed at what could happen.
2. It was a kiss... A KISS... In some cultures not kissing a "friend" could be deemed rude!
3. You should tell her! Are you nuts???? There is nothing to tell... The only time you tell her is if she needs to get herself down the clinic as you have contracted some venereal disease and things might fall off....

Telling her implies something of note in that you had to tell her! This was a nothing!

If this is the worst thing you do to your gf then you are a saint my friend.
On another note, stear clear of the friend, lesson learnt!

Remember crazy women equate a kiss to full blown planned affair...
The same woman probably flirt all day with Jonny from the office and think nothing of it!

aidan24326

Grayfoxy wrote: »

Either he kissed her, or he didn't.

Simple as.

Might seem blunt, but that's my view.

Not that a brief drunken kiss can be dismissed or passed off as nothing, but your attitude suggests you'd be packing his bags and throwing them out into the street as though he was a philandering cheat who couldn't keep his pants on.

OP, only you can know whether to tell your gf. It's a tricky one, as she may blow it up in her head as being more than what it was, and you can see by the posts from some of the female posters here that rationality doesn't always come into it. If you do tell her, do it out of honesty though and not to appease your own guilt, and if you honestly think nothing good can come of telling her then learn from it, put it behind you and make sure it doesn't happen again.

m'lady

ShowMeTheCash wrote: »

OK dude, first off do not listen to a single woman on this thread!

1. Being drunk is no excuse... Sure it is... You get drunk enough you would be amazed at what could happen.
2. It was a kiss... A KISS... In some cultures not kissing a "friend" could be deemed rude!
3. You should tell her! Are you nuts???? There is nothing to tell... The only time you tell her is if she needs to get herself down the clinic as you have contracted some venereal disease and things might fall off....

Telling her implies something of note in that you had to tell her! This was a nothing!

If this is the worst thing you do to your gf then you are a saint my friend.
On another note, stear clear of the friend, lesson learnt!

Remember crazy women equate a kiss to full blown planned affair...
The same woman probably flirt all day with Jonny from the office and think nothing of it!

Why are you taring every woman with the same brush? I'm a woman and if you look at my reply I have said the same as you, as many other women have too.

ShowMeTheCash

Your a lady not a woman.

CountryJoe

OP, I really think you should tell your girlfriend. Relationships are built on mutual trust and in the interests of keeping this intact you should not keep secrets from her. There is a chance that she may not forgive you, and she is well within her rights to do so. After ten years in a relationship you owe her that much at least. Not to mention the fact that you will have this hanging over your head for presumably the rest of your life if you dont.

ShowMeTheCash

OP - If this time next year it is still bothering you, tell her then....
DO NOT TELL HER!!!

When you flush you relationship down the pan for nothing I am sure you will feel better knowing "You done the right thing!"

You did not cheat on her, some drunk chicks face touched yours.... if it all happened like you said it did, hardly worth wasting your time even thinking about it!

ShowMeTheCash

Also anyone that says tell her... Really do not know what they are talking about... Some idealistic sense of right vrs wrong!
Life is gray, people are stupid!

RoscommonTom

Definitiely dont tell her youd be mad, say nothing and keep saying it, just need to learn form it and go easy on the drink in future,

Taltos

ShowMeTheCash - welcome to PI/RI.
If you have not already done so please take some time to read our charter.

Few things we expect here, first is no generalisations. Secondly, you may not agree with the posts on here but kindly show some respect to them, people who may or may not have direct experience here have taken time out of their day to offer advice. Telling the OP to ignore them all or simply saying folk don't know what they are talking about is considered attacking the poster and on another day could well earn you a ban from this forum.

This might seem harsh but due to the nature of the issues here we have a low tolerance threshold. Most of all this forum would not be the forum it is without the great advice we get from the myriad posters here that you are quite openly telling the OP to disregard. You may dispute a post if you don't agree with it but attempt to do so in the manner above again and you will force the mods here to apply sanctions.

Thanks
Taltos

Overheal

The issue here is one with most relationships and thats the view on monogamy and sex and all that fluffy stuff.

I'll tell you how it was told to me by someone, and it made sense and I ran with it. You can have sex, you can kiss, you can fcuk, and if the other person does that with someone else you briefly wonder "am I doing something wrong, is there something I can do better or am not doing" but the bigger truth is only one person texts you late at night, early in the morning, cleans the kitchen for you or does sweetheart things like get flowers and stuff. I know people who would be more upset you bought someone flowers than if you had sex with them.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

!Nicky!

Tell her, by now its even too late and you're gonna be in trouble.

Imagine she found out off someone else, the other person will tell someone 90% of the time and if it gets back to your OH then she will go mental.

Coming from you, as bad as it is, and now that its late, it'll be bad but it will be nothing compared to if she found out from someone else, both her being angry but also her being felt cheated.

More Time = More damage in my opinion in these things.

Good luck

lukesmom

Oh holy God it was just a kiss! One little mistake . No good can come from telling her in my opinion. But it has taught you how much you love her and that is a good thing. Remember it was just a kiss, you pulled away, you didn't want it so forget about it and move on.

Rolandselene

Telling will only hurt her. It would be very selfish to tell and will only serve to ease your own guilt.

Guilt which you shouldn't even be having. It was a KISS for fsm's sake. Man up, stop being a little b*tch and get on with your life!

kjl

Grayfoxy wrote: »

Oh, great, he is sorry for it.

What point is being sorry for something if you don't tell the stakeholders?

I would ignore this commenter, even if they aren't trolling they are projecting something that somebody else did to them on to you.

I think you sound like a nice guy and to me what you did was harmless. If I was your girlfriend, I would actually prefer not to know, in the greater scheme of things it's trivial and it would only end up hurting her.

Tokyo

Rolandselene - please read the forum charter before posting again. Abusive messages like this towards the OP or anybody else will not be tolerated in the Personal Issues forum. Further posts like this will result in infractions or a ban.

Regards,
Mike

qdawg86

alias06 wrote: »

The way this is written you would think there had been some serious infidelity here. There wasn't. There is no question of her being played for a fool or disrespected. A drunk friend of her partners kissed him and he pulled away. There are plenty of guys who have found themselves in this situation and woke up the next morning having slept with the other girl. That didn't happen. There is no need for him to go sabatoging his relationship over something that didn't happen.



Hear what through the grapevine? This other women is married. Is really going to go around telling people that she tried to kiss her friends partner of ten years but it went nowhere. If she does she is malicious or crazy. She got up the next morning and acted like nothing happened. Naturally. Nothing of any signifcance happened. There is nothing to see here. Move along.

You seem obsessed with pinning this on 'the other woman'.

It was just a kiss......nothing of importance. Maybe you would be okay with your partner kissing someone else and not telling you but many wouldn't. As a partner in the relationship she should at least be given the chance to decide whether it's just a silly mistake or,something unacceptable. Some posts on this thread are so condescending.........'keep the little woman in the dark.....you're only doing it to protect her'. Who is naive enough to swallow that bull :-P

minusthebear

You'd be a complete nutjob to tell her. Learn from it and don't do it again.

somefeen

The people telling you to tell her have clearly never been in your girlfriends position.

My Girlfriend did something similar, worse actually, and I'd rather she never told me anything.

It would be different if you were having a full on affair, meeting up behind her back etc.

What would be you're motivation for telling her? To make yourself feel better?
If you tell her you'll still feel just as guilty and she will feel betrayed and hurt.

Its not going to happen again so don't sweat it. Your guilt will assuage with time.

My girlfriend told me about her slip up and while I forgive her completely it will be along long time before I can go back to trusting her as much as I used to.

Years before I had kissed another girl drunkenly and felt terrible about it, but decided not to say anything. When she told me what she did I knew I had made the right decision.

Taltos

As the initial issue is over a month old and the OP has not been back in a while closing the thread.