My beautiful Dad is slipping away

LegacyUser

Hi there, I am not sure if I should be posting here, as my Dad is still with us but very very poorly!! My father a beautiful beautiful gentleman who has been brave and inspiring all his life but especially since his diagnosis last March is in his last days... just Christmas we thought we were over the worst, how cruel life and death can be.. It beggers belief..... Anyway I think we (a very close family ) are somewhere between shock, denial, acceptance and mania?? All I know is that we have very little time left with this beauty of a man, and I want us all to make the most of it... There's no guide book, few stories and many regrets from those who have been kind enough to share their experiences... I want to preserve my Dads dignity and pride, but I want to mind him and let him know its o.k. ...That I, we, are all here to help him through this.... but how??? Please, if you have any insight please share if you can... thanks x

Lennyzip

Fracturedheart wrote: »

Hi there, I am not sure if I should be posting here, as my Dad is still with us but very very poorly!! My father a beautiful beautiful gentleman who has been brave and inspiring all his life but especially since his diagnosis last March is in his last days... just Christmas we thought we were over the worst, how cruel life and death can be.. It beggers belief..... Anyway I think we (a very close family ) are somewhere between shock, denial, acceptance and mania?? All I know is that we have very little time left with this beauty of a man, and I want us all to make the most of it... There's no guide book, few stories and many regrets from those who have been kind enough to share their experiences... I want to preserve my Dads dignity and pride, but I want to mind him and let him know its o.k. ...That I, we, are all here to help him through this.... but how??? Please, if you have any insight please share if you can... thanks x

Lost my father last June . To say he had a rough run of it is an understatement . He lost his wife to cancer when I was 10 years old . He was left to look after me , my brother (15) , sister 18 and brother (21 ) . Neither of my parents smoked or drank . I thank god he didn't drink as it was a tough blow . He didn't fall apart but my eldest brother kind of took over running the family . In 2002 he had a stroke . He regained his speech but never walked again and in the later years he was confined to a bed . Out of absolutely no where he was diagnosed with cancer last Febuary . To say this was a shock is putting it mildly . He was 78 . He went in with a chest infection originally and the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with him until finally he was diagnosed with lung cancer . He looked perfectly normal in hospital .
We were told he could not receive chemo as he wouldn't survive it . So after a while he was released home and we caresd for him there . I was in complete denial about the whole thing for a long time . I would go to visit him & he was fine . He took a turn in June & passed away .
Here is my advise . Spend as much time with him as possible . It was hard for me because as he deteriorated he began to drift away from been the person I knew & loved , he wasn't the same .
The worst aspect of it was I was trying to figure out what effect it was having on psychologically . It must have been hard on him . He was an old school kind of man , woukd never talk about what was on his mind .
There is no easy way to deal with any if this . As you say there is no hand book . When I was in hospital with him I put my phone on the bed without him seeing it and set it to record . I had a conversation with him and moved it in a direction where I knew we woukd be laughing & joking . Try and do something similar so that you will always have a record of his voice and what he was like . You'll have that forever . I was ok after a while when he went but now I'm not in a great spot mentally myself . Maybe it's survivor guilt or something , I don't know . There's no point in telling you how you are going to feel after all this . Everybody deals with it differently & it affects them in different ways . It will be a tough road ahead for you but be strong for your father & show him all the love you can ! My heart & mind goes out to you in these tough times ahead .

LegacyUser

You are so kimd to shre your experience, thank you so much,... I am the oldest sibling and have told my employers I am out... I think I need to tellthe other 3 its ok to do the same, we will never get this time again,,, again thanks for your reply, I am sure it was difficult after what you've been through xxxx

LegacyUser

My dad died on the 10th jan. He was 89 yrs old. He was completly active right up to the last day- he fed his 13 cattle with his tractor that morning and got a stroke that night and died the next day. He was the sort of man that didnt ask anyone for anything and was fiercly independent. He had seen so much change in his life- he had a brilliant memory and could recall exact conversations that he had had more that 75yrs before. we had a rota of weekends that we would go and stay with him- cook his dinner, chat, clean the house and go to the pub on a sat night for a few pints. Thats when he would open up a bit and tell stories of old relatives and neighbours long since departed. They are treasured memories for me and remember thinking that at the time. But now he is gone and theres a big hole left that wont be filled.
My advice is to be present as much as is possible, because when the time comes you cannot rewind the clock. Death is so final; theres no second chance. Do what comes to you naturally and trust yourself to do the right thing. Take care

LegacyUser

I lost my Dad last year to cancer. He wasn't very old and he didn't know for long. He had only been diagnosed about 8 months beforehand but was never given much hope. He was a star through it all. I moved back home to help in his last few months. Some days he would say nothing at all to me but we would sit there holding hands. It was strange being that silent and intimate with a man I used to roar at for not letting me stay out until 4am. The odd day he'd have a glint in his eye again and make some joke. But I could see him slipping away every day.

We had a 'routine' going if you could call it that. I would arrive at the hospital at lunchtime everyday to ensure I gave him his lunch. I was afraid he wouldn't eat. Not that it really matters looking back but it was important to me and he took it from me.

Spend as much time as you can with him even if it's just sitting staring into space. I was the one right by my Dad's side when he did pass eventually pass away. He opened his eyes and looked at me briefly, took my hand and two minutes later he was gone. I often take time to myself to just remember our moments even though they were our last.

Lennyzip

wheedened wrote: »

Some days he would say nothing at all to me but we would sit there holding hands. It was strange being that silent and intimate with a man I used to roar at for not letting me stay out until 4am. The odd day he'd have a glint in his eye again and make some joke. But I could see him slipping away every day.

.

Very close description of how my father was , especially the quiet periods when he would say nothing . That was tough for me .

wheedened

wheedened wrote: »

I lost my Dad last year to cancer. He wasn't very old and he didn't know for long. He had only been diagnosed about 8 months beforehand but was never given much hope. He was a star through it all. I moved back home to help in his last few months. Some days he would say nothing at all to me but we would sit there holding hands. It was strange being that silent and intimate with a man I used to roar at for not letting me stay out until 4am. The odd day he'd have a glint in his eye again and make some joke. But I could see him slipping away every day.

We had a 'routine' going if you could call it that. I would arrive at the hospital at lunchtime everyday to ensure I gave him his lunch. I was afraid he wouldn't eat. Not that it really matters looking back but it was important to me and he took it from me.

Spend as much time as you can with him even if it's just sitting staring into space. I was the one right by my Dad's side when he did pass eventually pass away. He opened his eyes and looked at me briefly, took my hand and two minutes later he was gone. I often take time to myself to just remember our moments even though they were our last.

Hi wheedened and hello to everyone else including the OP, my sister (she doesn't know yet that I know about this thread).

Thanks to everyone for your input. It really does mean a lot.

Our situation is kinda similar to wheedened's situation. Our father was diagnosed last march and our lives completely changed when we got the news. It's amazing what one single word can do to a family and I would never wish it on my worst enemy.

The thing is, we were told that there was light at the end of the tunnel for our aul Dad. It really was looking good for him as the year went on and with the care he was getting. Unfortunately he took a turn at the end of last year/early this year. The cancer had taken over his body. He didn't stand a chance from day one despite what the doctors said.

I type this from a hotel room that is a stones throw from the hospice where Dad is seeing out his final days. He has at least two of us with him 24/7 while the others get a few hours kip. We need to look after ourselves too. He's in a deep sleep and has been for a day or two now but I'm certain he knows we're by his side. He has a strong heart that clearly does not want to let go just yet.

My family and I are at the finish line of a long and painful journey but at the starting line of a new one. No one seems to know how to cope or what to do. I didn't mention my mother because I've never seen someone cope so well in a situation like this. I can't even describe it, She really is a saint, as well as my Dad.

Again, thanks for all the posts and thanks for reading.

S

ravima

There's never a 'good' way to go. I've experienced people dying suddenly in front of me and lingering in agony for 18 months or so before going. Both have their advantages and disadvantages. In the former, there is no suffering at all and in the latter, we have time to accept the inevitable and prepare. However, death is always sudden as one minute there is life and then there isn't.

Think of the good times, the happy times, the things you did together. Prepare to let go as well. It is not easy, I'm not saying it is, but be with your Dad. Hold his hand and talk to him. See if you can arrange anything for him. If he is a religious person, maybe pray with him or read scripture with him.

God love you and help you.

sassychick

I lost my beautiful grandfather nearly 2 weeks ago, we were expecting it as the doctors told us there was nothing more they can do for him:( all I can say to you is spend as much time with him as you can and talk to him, we were told by the hospital chaplin and the priest to give him permission as such to go ,reassure him you all will be ok..i did this with my granddad and even though he was sedated he squeezed my hand to let me know he could hear me...it is hard even wen it is expected ...thinking of you and your family

Thanks everyone for your messages. Dad passed away on Friday, valentines day. May he rest in peace

GreeBo

RIP

Its hard but you have each other.
I'd try to spend time remembering the good times and not focus on the last few months.

Lennyzip

Snotaul Goodman wrote: »

Thanks everyone for your messages. Dad passed away on Friday, valentines day. May he rest in peace

My thoughts go out to you , he is at peace now . You have a whole slew of new emotions to take on board now but as everyone has commented , think of the happy memories you have of him . He would want you to be happy & that's the most important thing .

Mam of 4

So sorry for your loss.

Just take each day as it comes, and the emotions that will come also and just go with them,the good and the not so good days.

As other posters have said, remember the good times, and the memories, you'll always have those.

Look after yourself too.

Munstermad

Thanks to everyone for their input, including my baby brother who recognised my post. I'm the op. My family have been simply amazing through my Dads death and illness and my mams been superhuman... As S said Dad gently passed away on Valentines day surrounded by his family. An appropriate day for a man full of love to die on a day that celebrates love. This next part of the journey I know is going to be full of ups and downs, and we are all a bit numb for now I think, still trying to get our heads around everything.... And we are very very tired. Again I want to say thanks to everyone who responded and shared their stories, it has helped, and I want to offer my condolences to ye too... XXX S

Lennyzip

Don't know if anyone is interested but maybe those who have lost their loved ones may want to share their feelings & how they are getting on in the aftermath .
Maybe it's still too raw for some but I'll kick it off and anyone's free to contribute if they want to .
Well it's been 8 months since my dad passed . Doing pretty good at the moment but I think things may become a little tricky for me come the summer as it will be his first anniversary but also the rest of the family have agreed to put the family home up for sale . This I believe will really bring about the finality of the whole situation to me . I did not want the house to be sold but due to circumstances it has to go ahead . I feel I may have a huge issue letting go of this . We have all moved to other counties so only one family member was living at home but he can't deal with living there anymore , the memories are too much for him . My parents were from the west , we were born & raised in Dublin . I was left land in Roscommon so I'll always have a connection there . My sister lives there too . I've always had close connections to there , my father was the only one who moved out if the west . Tough times are on the horizon but I hope I have the strength to get through it . I think I may have issues with someone else living there and I don't expect to return to the area as I'm pretty settled where I am now .
Anyone in a situation like this ??

Munstermad

Didn't know if I could our would reply to this, as has only been 6 weeks..... Has been a surreal few weeks, culminating with the burial of my Dads ashes at the weekend...
Life has reverted back to its regular shape, with the obvious HUGE gaping Dad shaped hole in the middle of every second of it... that breath taking absence that I can't mention out loud... yet.
I don't know what coping is? if by coping, what is meant is exhaustion, sadness, guilt, fear, regret, hopelessness and absolute terrifying RAGE... all the while faking calm, then yes I'm coping....maybe??
My parents home feels huge in Dads absence, and my mam, well she's a bit lost in it... even though she seems to be o.k..
So there it is, where I am now... thanks to Lennyzip for sharing yours so I could....
How is everyone else doing?

The_Conductor

There is no normal.
Even the phone ringing triggers memories of voices, happiness, sadness, regrets, thanks.
Happy Mother's Day, Mum- we miss you.

As stated earlier, the OP (Munstermad) is my sister.

I still have no idea where I am after my fathers passing. It's nearly 7 weeks and I'm still in disbelief. Every time I go home I expect to see him sitting in his recliner reading the paper or messing on his phone or tablet.

I bought a new gadget yesterday for my television and it's something dad would be all over but he's not there for me to show it too him. For a man of 69, he was a technology nerd! I've to service my car in his drive way this weekend using some of his tools and it's hard to believe he won't be standing behind me, looking over my shoulder and asking every question under the sun and not helping in the slightest! :P Miss ya old man

RossFixxxed

It comes and goes, and as said above nothing is ever normal at all. The strangest most abstract things make you remember and can break your heart all over again. But you do get ... stronger I guess is the word. Not muted or desensitised but less hurt.

It is hard to remember the good at times when you are looking into howling darkness. It is a sea of ups and downs, of tooth gnashing frustration and sadness. The feeling of something missing and the world not being right, despite the fact it moves on as normal all around you creates a painful dissonance and you feel the need to shake people by the shoulders and screm in their face that your world has crumbled and broken around you. You are flinging your emotions against cold hard stone.

As time passes the good memories make you smile, you realise the importance of the small things and the massive value of the time and experiences you had together. Your heart breaks again someimes, other times it reminds you how fleeting it all is. It emphasises the serious importance of now and the people you love. You never get any moment back and all you can do is try hard to look forward and make sure the important people know just how important they are to you. You still have love in a heart you thought was blackened and dead. You can show those now how much you care and make sure that you spread that. It's all you can do.

Just because everthing dims and turns to ash, does not mean it is of extraordinary value. It's temporary nature only enhances how important every loved one is, every hand holding, every laugh, every little thing you do together. The little quirks that drive you a little crazy are the things you painfully miss every day when they are gone.

Even stars die, and their death is what creates us. We are literally made of dead stars in the sky. Nothing is permanent and we as humans are burdened by this knowledge. We can only try to use it to make the most of our short time in this exta ordinary universe.

“The surface of the Earth is the shore of the cosmic ocean. On this shore, we've learned most of what we know. Recently, we've waded a little way out, maybe ankle-deep, and the water seems inviting. Some part of our being knows this is where we came from. We long to return, and we can, because the cosmos is also within us. We're made of star stuff. We are a way for the cosmos to know itself.” ― Carl Sagan, Cosmos

"Little things used to mean so much to Shelly- I used to think they were kind of trivial. Believe me, nothing is trivial." - The Crow (I know I know, but it is a great point.)

"Say hello to everything you've left behind, it's even more a part of your life now that you can't touch it." - Failure / Puscifer, The Nurse Who Loved Me.

Sadderday

I know I probably don't belong in this thread... and I hope I don't upset anyone.

My parents are both alive, in good health and very much in love but they are getting older. I worry sometimes about how one would survive without the other.

We discuss death and my parents have detailed their will to us.

If it's of any comfort to you, as my dad says... we got the best of parents if we remember them fondly.

A gift that they gave to you and a gift that you return in time.

The legacy is love and laughter... it's found in memories that are shared and sometimes spared if they are more personal.

I'm so sorry for your loss and I wish you all the best.

grey_so_what

My very best wishes to all the posters on this thread.

Death of loved ones is unbelievably hard and emotionally draining.

Don't ever think you are alone with feeling this terrible loss you have to deal with.

If there was one thing I've learnt about Boards over the last couple of years, it is you have friends in abundance. Talking about your feelings is so completely normal, at the time I had forgotten what it was like in case people thought I was being morbid and dwelling on the past. We tend to show our strong side to the outer world when inside we are crying.

There are plenty of us who would like to make it easier for each and every one of us to make it through the hard days and the lonely days.

I have no magic quick fix I'm afraid, just sending out hugs and understanding. Never think you are alone. The main thing to remember is that how much you loved and were loved in return.

GSWxxx

Maphisto

Snotaul Goodman wrote: »

As stated earlier, the OP (Munstermad) is my sister.

I still have no idea where I am after my fathers passing. It's nearly 7 weeks and I'm still in disbelief. Every time I go home I expect to see him sitting in his recliner reading the paper or messing on his phone or tablet.

I bought a new gadget yesterday for my television and it's something dad would be all over but he's not there for me to show it too him. For a man of 69, he was a technology nerd! I've to service my car in his drive way this weekend using some of his tools and it's hard to believe he won't be standing behind me, looking over my shoulder and asking every question under the sun and not helping in the slightest! :P Miss ya old man

It's been 2.5 years now and I identify exactly with your post. Its funny but although time seems to reduce the frequency of the memories, it does nothing to the intensity.

Good Luck

grey_so_what

Maphisto wrote: »

It's been 2.5 years now and I identify exactly with your post. Its funny but although time seems to reduce the frequency of the memories, it does nothing to the intensity.

Time has no boundaries when it comes to grief M.....

It will be in your heart for always, it's how we deal with the intensity and the effect it has on our remaining loved one around us.

Grief envelops us and it is up to us to figure how to make it part of our daily life. Don't let it consume you.... I did and it's not the way to go.

We have to make grief part of our life, alongside the good and the wonderful parts, and not let it dictate to us....(I'm not suggesting for one minute this reflects you, it's just my thoughts of me). It does take time to remember the love and the wonderful memories with ease. The time is your own.

My very best wishes to you,
GSWxxx

Maphisto

GSW thank you for your kind words.

I know that we were very lucky, he led a full long life and he died quickly and with relatively little pain, but ....

Plus I do feel for my poor Mum. They were together nearly 60 years and now she alone. She has her family, a younger sister also widowed, several friends all widowed but ....

Sorry a bit of a ramble.

Munstermad

Apologies for the long post, I watched a documentary on death and dying on RTE1 this evening, it was very sad and difficult to watch but it was also very interesting. The Hospice where my Dad passed away in February was featured. (Its run by angels btw, both staff and volunteers). It is so sad and just wrong to hear that there are so very few hospices in the country. That there is a new Hospice built and staffed in the Dublin area, but with no funds to run it!!??!!! And many counties don't have access to one at all.
The support and care my beautiful Dad received in Milford Care Centre and the support they gave us his family is something that will stay with me for the rest of my days. Its the one thing that brings me great comfort knowing that Dad was secure, comfortable and in the best of hands in his final days, and I know my family feel the same way. We were blessed to have Milford so close by, I just feel heartbroken for those who could not and can not access a specialist service which offers not just physical care but cares for the person and the family holistically....
Its four and a half months now since Dad died and its the positive experiences during that terrible time that help ...
Hope everyone is doing O.K.? I'm not even sure if its right to bring this up, but I was wondering what ye thought or experienced if its not too difficult to say..?

Rubberlegs

Hi, I'm very sorry for your loss OP, its not easy. I had that documentary recorded and watched it while I had some time today. Kind of wish I didn't though now, it reminded me of my Dad passing away on a hospital ward. Everyone was Iovely, but looking back, there was no privacy in it. Still we were all with him, and that's a comfort. Over 3.5yrs later I still think of him every day, sometimes it's still very hard to think he has gone. It was a terrible shock, he was always in great health, but then there was just 4 months between diagnosis and death. Most of these months he was in hospital. It was very intense, with hours every day spent at the hospital, but I'd do the same again, and am glad I was able to be there. You never think you will see the day you are pushing the Dad who gave you piggy backs, around hospital grounds for fresh air. I found the first 6 months the hardest. I still have days where I just feel so sad with missing him, but it does get easier. The best thing is to take each day as it comes, and not to beat yourself up for how you feel. And don't let anyone tell you how long you should grieve for, you will grieve your loss forever, but it gets less intense, and easier to remember the good memories with time xx

Found out today that another school mate of mines father passed during the week. That's 4 friends (we are all about 25 years old) parents, my own father and my best friends father shorlty after who have left us this year. 2014 has been the worst year of my life

grey_so_what

Snotaul Goodman wrote: »

Found out today that another school mate of mines father passed during the week. That's 4 friends (we are all about 25 years old) parents, my own father and my best friends father shorlty after who have left us this year. 2014 has been the worst year of my life

That's a lot of loss SG for all of ye so young in only half the year, my condolences to you all....

I hope you all get solace from each other and stay in touch and help and talk each other through your losses....

May you find some inner peace in time, to lose your dad at such a young age is very sad, hopefully, you can give your mam's some support and help with such mundane things as organising the very ordinary things in life, i.e. paying bill's online etc. they can mean so much to those left behind....

Take care and remember to talk to your friends, kind regards, GSW xxx

Lou.m

So sorry to the OP and the OP's brother Hospices do a wonderful job truly!

RIP.

I imagine it is great solace to you all the care that was given. Little things will remind you of different feelings. It's very sad.

Take care to all.
xx

lgmbro

All I can say to you is to look your dad in the eye, hold his hand gently and be by his side as much as you can. You are telling him in this way that you love him. Have been through a bereavement of my dear partner some weeks ago. William

Been a while since I had a look at this thread and thank you to everyone who posted here since day one and to those who contributed afterward. I really mean that. I thought i'd drop in and tell ye about today and yesterday (not really sure why). Two strange days, but a good kind of strange...I think.

I was out on the lash in Cork last night. A friend of mine came home from Oz about 2 weeks ago and it was my first time seeing him since he left so he wouldn't have been here for the funeral. First thing he did was pull me aside and reminded me of a funny story about the first and only time he met my Dad. Really put me in a good mood even though it wasn't really a very funny story :P I was delighted that a friend of mine that barely knew the man had a lovely fond memory of him.

The reason I mentioned the fact that I was in Cork was because I was staying in the Radisson in Little Island which is only down the road from the crematorium. The last time I was there wasn't a pleasant experience obviously but for some reason I felt OK yesterday. I was VERY aware of where I was but it was kind of nice if that makes sense. I don't know really.

Today as I driving back to Limerick I had 4FM on in the car. They love playing this gem and they did just that

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNJcd1pTaL0

That was a favorite of Dad's. But only Kirsty's version. It was played at his funeral, in the church and the crematorium. I don't know if it should put a smile on my face but it does. I'm typing this in his house looking at his lovely photo while my mother is away at a well deserved spa break with my sister. I have another of Dad's favourites playing away here. I think Imelda was Dads 'if I was 30 years younger' interests :pac: Those Dubs stick with each other with all of their might That was played at his funeral too along with this. Dad and Colm lived on the same street in Drimnagh when they were kids. Legend has it that Colm bait the crap out of my aul lad 60 years ago! I laugh at that story too.

Thanks for reading.

S

Edit: Oh ya! I was starving on the way home from Cork so I stopped in the Commons Inn on the Limerick side of Cork. That's where we went for the meal after the crematorium back in February.

Today I got the last servings of a carvery with a few friends and it was lovely to be honest. One of the lads piped up and goes 'see, even when you came back here your aul lad is still making sure that you're well fed!'. Nearly had mash coming out my nose