Unmarried father or two - Help/advice/venting

LegacyUser

I dont know where to start so im just going to start typing and hopefully something articulate and understandable comes out. Another weekend brought to bitter end so typing through wet eyes and match of the day in the background, Utd are losing one nil so something to smile at this evening at least.

Ive been with my partner for six years now and we have two children, 4 year old boy and a 6 month old girl. We live in a rented house. Life generally is ok, we are busy with our children and the usual things family life throws up.

the problem is I have is that i no longer have any feelings for my other half and in fact have little or no respect for her any more. I just think that she is just not a very nice person at all.

She talks down to me like im a child, everything i do is not good enough or done wrong, whether it is do with how change a nappy or hoovering or bringing in the shopping. Everything is questioned, "why would you do that..."

She is a horrible drunk, she cannot handle "red wine" but chooses to drink it when she knows this, and becomes even more obnoxious. It has been like this since ive known her. I am the focus if snide and cutting remarks when she has had few.

2 weeks after our son was born she was drunk, i wouldnt give her our son to hold as i thought she was so far gone - Screamed at for two hours
5 weeks later she does the same - again same thing
This type of stuff has been going on for the past six years, ive brought this up but get told that "i dont have any problems"
Only last week she was out with her friends(dread everytime she does this) woken up at 3 am, lost her keys, when i ask where are her keys, im told to f&*k off, she should have never got with me. Continues to curse me as i go back to bed, 30 mins later she falls into bed and curls up to me, whispers that i am an asshole and dickhead and everyone knows that i am and falls asleep fully clothed. I wake at 6 to do the morning feed for our daughter.
Of course she wakes a few hours later as if nothing happens. "are you going to be like this all day?" i ask for an apology and get asked what for, i dont remember it so it doesnt matter, she is more worried that she cant remember how she got home(also worrying) i told i a prick and an asshole and she's had enough of me and im to leave. I am a child for asking for an apology and in front of our son shouts this, my son asks her why is daddy a baby and child as he is dragged out the door to get "lucozade in the shops"
A week goes by, Sunday she's had wine with her mother, we are home now, she angrily put our tired son to bed, and leaves him in his bed all the lights on(im feeding our daughter, normally i put him to bed). I comment that, how could he go to sleep if he hasnt had his story or his music on. I am again of course rude and an asshole for speaking like that to her. I make the mistake of pointing out that I am talked to like this everyday and that she should now know how it feels.

Every argument big or small or anything i do wrong leads "im sick of you, youre an asshole and our relationship is over"

I really am only tolerating this so i can spend as much time with the children until it eventually does end, i just unwind by the usual "winning arguments in the shower".

These are just a two recent incidents but my worry is if i leave, my children are going to be brought up by her, she talks down to me and her elderly parents and has started talking down to our son to the point where she tells him "she cannot take him any more" if he is getting boisterous. She is racist, homophobic, is spiteful, has to comment on everyone she meets, just generally not a very nice person, has no interest in my day, just moans and gives out and never sees the good or bright side of any situation, always doom and gloom, whenever she is stressed she takes it out on me, or her parents.(i know she knows this is wrong as she only doesnt do this to anyone else but me or her parents)She cannot handle her drink and is a horrible drunk. Wont go to see someone about it, cut down, or acknowledge she has any problems. Wont go see a relationship councillors to try turn thing around, even for our children("why would i want to talk to some stranger, you can go on your own")

After seeing the look on my sons face when he could not comprehend how "mummy" was acting over christmas when i had to put her to bed i just fear how they would end up if im not there to steering things or take some of the flack so they wont have to. Coz if im not there then they will be in the firing line next.

I dont want them to grow up like her, so i have to stay as long as i can but in my mind i know i have to leave, for my own sanity, so my children do not see us shouting at each other but its too hard just to leave the house.

what would happen, where would i go, how will my children take it, what would happen them left. I want to see my children everyday.


I hear if i leave the "family" home it will be looked at as having left my children rather than leaving her??

Granted this is my side of the story but ive never cheated, never hit or abused my partner, always tried to be the best i could be, i may be too sensitive a person but im just venting.
I know what to do, is leave but i am so scared for what will happen next to me and our children.

I suppose i can only take so much more and im only venting but just peoples thoughts on this.

It could have been ten pages longer but our daughter is waking up for a feed and she is in bed, im to make up the back bed for tonight.

Thanks for reading if you've made it this far Sorry its a mess and not coherent but it feels good just to vent!!

Night all

pwurple

That's some vent.

Did you ever get around to becoming the children's legal guardian in that time? Might be something to do now if you have not. Gets you more rights.

vitani

What an awful situation, OP. You have my sympathy. I think you need to go and see a solicitor and find out exactly what rights you have and what action you can take.

emmabrighton

Hi OP, Sorry to hear you are so unhappy and your children are living in such an environment. If you are definite that your relationship is over, go to a solicitor and find out your rights. Definitely make sure you are your childs legal guardian also your wife clearly has a drink problem/is an alcoholic. She should probably seek help for it and you should start going to Alanon. Of course, if she doesn't recognise that, there is very little you can do for that. There you will find support from others in a similar position.

Take heart.

DesperateDan

http://www.amen.ie/

Please give these guys a ring OP, when she's not around. Sorry to hear about your troubles but you need to get out of that sh!t.

ElleEm

OP, you should not leave your kids with this woman.
Why would you leave to protect yourself yet let her damage them the way she has damaged you?

You should chat to your GP about your situation. Ring Amen, get a few people on your side. It definitely sounds like she could turn nasty. The more people who know about this side of her and can support you, the better.

I would hope that you got guardianship over your kids but I know when things are going well, this is often forgotten about. It doesn't sound like your girlfriend would sign a guardianship form for you, just from the way you describe her. Do you think you could prompt her while she is in better form, or do you think this would set alarm bells off for her? One of the bigger things that prompts women to sign guardianship forms is that if anything happens to the woman, the father has no rights over the children. So if she dies, the law will see you as a stranger. Do you think this would encourage her to sign the forms while you are still "together"?

If what you are describing is true, then you may have a good case for custody, but you should really contact a few different organisations to become fully aware before you make a move.

www.treoir.ie is a great place to start!

RubyGirl

Have you a will drawn up, maybe that would be a good way to get around her signing the guardianship form.

supergills

ElleEm wrote: »

OP, you should not leave your kids with this woman.
Why would you leave to protect yourself yet let her damage them the way she has damaged you?

Whilst I see that you are looking to help I don't think your comment about protecting himself and not the children is at all fair.

Unfortunately if he is not a legal guardian of the children and the recognised primary carer, which being unmarried he won't be without having been through the courts, taking the kids away from their mother, however morally correct in the backward anti-father society that we live in, is tantamount to abduction and he would likely end up in a cell.

I'm in a similar situation myself, slightly further down the line than the OP with a couple of minor differences however the alcohol problem is the same, as is the reaction when confronting her about it. I have even had her call the gardai to the house when she's drunk falsely claiming that I've attacked her (despite the fact that the situation was actually the opposite and I had scratch and bite marks all over my neck, arms, chest and throat).

On numerous occasions after that when she was drunk I called the gardai and asked them to send someone around for an unquestionable independent record of the fact that she was again in a position that rendered her unable to look after the children. Unfortunately (and probably rightly so) the gardai were not interested, but then who do you turn to in order to prove how bad the problem is? There is no organisation that can independently witness the behaviour so ultimately it's your word against hers.

The sad fact remains that if you, as an unmarried father (presumably with no legal guardianship) believe, and even have plentiful evidence that the mother is unfit to be the primary carer of the children, you face a ridiculous legal, moral and emotional battle at huge expense to even get heard. She simply waves her XX chromosome card.

I personally moved out of the house last month. About six months before I did I spoke to a solicitor who advised me to keep a record of her drinking habits which, if you're not doing now, I suggest you start.

I would also advise you to definitely get in contact with a solicitor as well as one or two support groups. I personally didn't find treoir to be particularly helpful but many others have so don't rule them out.
I would also make an appointment to speak to her GP. The GP cannot discuss anything about her with you however he/she can listen to your concerns, make a note on her records and may take on board what you have said the next time they see her.

Finally don't forget that you don't need her agreement for guardianship, you are within your rights to apply for it at your local district court who will then serve a summons on your partner. The courts will generally try and steer you towards mediation as an alternative however if your relationship has broken down to the level that is sounds, there's probably little chance of compromise anyway.

I can tell you the battle will be a long, emotional rollercoaster and I would like to hope that it would eventually be worthwhile for every Father in a similar position, but this country has a lot of growing up to do in respect of recognising the role of the modern Father and the law has to catch up with reality before we are treated equally.

LegacyUser

What you need right now, as well as following the advice you got here, is to get as many people as you can on your side. Have you told your family what your life is like? Have you told hers? My husband is an alcoholic and I walk a tightrope everyday between trying to provide a secure future for our child and ensuring our present doesn't cause irreparable damage. My parents have been the biggest practical help to me, in getting through this. They provide me with a safe place that I can go, a fun and normal home away from home with granny and grampa for my little one to spend a lot of time. But in many ways my most important allies are my in laws. It took me a long, long time to let them know what was going on with their son. In part because I was protecting him, in part because I was protecting them and in part because I was terrified he'd twist it all against me and I'd have to 'battle' them too. Instead we managed to form a team, we became a wall that my husband couldn't whitewash or hide behind. We managed to get through to him, tiny bit, by tiny bit once it started to sink in that everyone of his two immediate families found his behaviour unacceptable and we all agreed that he had to change.

However I agree with ElleEm. It's easier for me to say this as a mother who has significantly more rights as a parent. But there is no way in hell I would leave my child to cope alone in a situation I, a grown adult, find so awful. I won't leave our pets in his care, never mind a tiny person who depends on me. It will take me a while to achieve the financial independence I need to leave securely if I need to. I find myself at the moment working toward two opposing goals. One, to help fix our family if he manages to get and stay sober and Two, to do everything I need to in order to make being a single parent possible. But if neither were an option, I'd continue to live in this hell for the next 20 years to ensure my child never, ever bears the brunt of it.

The Corinthian

supergills wrote: »

I can tell you the battle will be a long, emotional rollercoaster and I would like to hope that it would eventually be worthwhile for every Father in a similar position, but this country has a lot of growing up to do in respect of recognising the role of the modern Father and the law has to catch up with reality before we are treated equally.

My guess is that gay parental rights will probably get addressed in Ireland before hetero one's.

Sleepy

Record everything. Get as much documentary evidence as you can: even if it's just a notebook of events, a video camera left recording may be useful but I don't know if it can be used in court?
If you don't already have the means, establish a war chest to pay for the inevitable legal battle.
Apply for Guardianship and consult a solicitor specialising in family law.

And mentally prepare yourself for the strong likelihood you'll still end up only seeing your kids every second weekend.

Family law in this country is a joke and tbh, I sometimes wonder if it'll take a number of high profile murders carried out by desperate fathers before anything will be done about it.

A2LUE42

Sleepy wrote: »

And mentally prepare yourself for the strong likelihood you'll still end up only seeing your kids every second weekend.

Be prepared for it being a lot worse than that. I know of someone who hasn't seen his daughter since Christmas and the reasons would be laughable if they were not causing the hurt that they are.

Mother just finds spurious reasons to have to be away with the child at the times the Father is due to see his daughter. It is so spiteful, it is hard to believe that someone would be that mean to their own child, just to inflict hurt on their ex.

ElleEm

supergills wrote: »

Whilst I see that you are looking to help I don't think your comment about protecting himself and not the children is at all fair.

Unfortunately if he is not a legal guardian of the children and the recognised primary carer, which being unmarried he won't be without having been through the courts, taking the kids away from their mother, however morally correct in the backward anti-father society that we live in, is tantamount to abduction and he would likely end up in a cell.

I in no way encouraged the OP to remove the children from their home, my post meant to advise the OP to stay with the children until he can sort out guardianship and possible custody.

vverrssa wrote: »

However I agree with ElleEm. It's easier for me to say this as a mother who has significantly more rights as a parent. But there is no way in hell I would leave my child to cope alone in a situation I, a grown adult, find so awful. I won't leave our pets in his care, never mind a tiny person who depends on me.

]

This is what I was getting at.

The OP is an adult and although is clearly struggling in his home life, his children are dependent on him for THEIR safety and happiness. Although things are tough with him and his partner, it sounds like it would be tougher for him to parent and have any input if he was outside the home, It certainly sounds like his girlfriend would not cooperate until there is an order put in place.

clairefontaine

Please excuse me if this borders on legal advice.

I think what you need to start doing is leaving a paper trail, even if you fail at initial custody attempts.

Secure guardianship first of all.

Do not leave the home without your kids.

Have a place to go even with family. Get it in writing.

Insist on rehab for your girlfriend. Do you have any leverage here? You cannot appear as a spiteful father who wants to take the children away from their mother. What you want to appear as is a concerned parent who wants the best for your children and that their mother's health and well being is essential to that. You are concerned about her and you want her to have a healthy relationship with your children. The children in your custody, with shared custody {do not look like you want them all to yourself!- That is parental alienation} will faciliate her recovery so she can become the best mother she can be.

Consider calling an HSE social worker about your girlfriend's drinking habits. Start logging and documenting these drinking related incidents.

Once you have guardianship, petition for custody and move. You might fail initially, but if anything happens up the road, you will have left a paper trail and the State will have to take responsibility for the negligence of your children. Also your children and grandchildren will be able to access these records so that they know you made whatever efforts you could make at the time.

aknitter

I agree with clairefontaine, contact the hse. I know a guy who was in a similar situation to yours. Partner drinking etc. He was told by the social worker that he would get the children if they had to be removed from her care. As it happened when the HSE became involved she realised that this was a serious situation and she went to Rehab and is now sober. They are no longer together but his children have a better mother (though like yours she is a bitter spiteful person).

Also for your head space maybe try Alanon.
Best of luck I hope it works out

Gael23

I have nothing really to add other than don't leave without your kids. Make an appointment to talk to your GP and get some advice but I really think you should stay until you know you can get custody of the kids.