My partner wont leave my son with anyone.

Kidchameleon

Kidchameleon wrote: »

OP would you consider moving to Russia? Think about it, you would love her to move here permanently, but would you do the same for her?

He's the sole provider; unless he's fluent in Russian he probably won't get work there. In theory it would be nice to have to option, but it's not practical if work is an issue.

clairefontaine

Sleepy wrote: »

This might sound like a lunatic suggestion but since you did said you love her OP: if you marry the mother of your child you automatically get guardianship of your child. She obviously solidifies any claim to your assets too but if you think that with a bit of help you can make the relationship work it would also give you "couples counselling" in the form of a pre-marriage course should you be planning a religious wedding...

It's certainly not an option that I'd advise in these circumstances but it's a bit of outside the box thinking that would get you your guardianship, give you an opportunity to address some of your issues as a couple (the excessive spending and time spent away from the family home, over-attachment to your son, her jealousy etc.) and on the off chance that some of her behavior is related to a lack of security/commitment in your relationship could help with that...

Like I said, I wouldn't advise it but since we never know all the details and you seem quite unaware of the legalities of guardianship etc. thought I'd throw it out there.

I would have deep reservations about this, but Sleepy may have a point. You would have more authority within and outside of the family, in both Russia and Ireland.

She herself may even respect you more because you are a husband.

Kidchameleon

Candie wrote: »

He's the sole provider; unless he's fluent in Russian he probably won't get work there. In theory it would be nice to have to option, but it's not practical if work is an issue.

I know what you mean, but its an option that hasn't been suggested so I thought I'd throw it out there. We don't know what the profession of the OP is but perhaps a transfer is possible. Languages can be learned. I know its a major change but for my son it would be one I would at least consider.

IHeartShoes

OP - would you not consider getting her to sign S.I. No. 5/1998 - Guardianship of Children (Statutory Declaration) instead of a summons to court to accomplish the same thing? She might see court as adversarial (which it kinda is) but the 'form' is less so. You still sell it in the same way, protecting your son's interests if anything happens to you, blah, blah. Once you have it, keep it safe as there isn't a register for these things. Generally speaking if she didn't return with your son when you have guardianship (or have begun the process i.e. she has been served) she can be charged with child abduction and would be compelled to return your son. But...

the issue here is, as someone else pointed out, is residence - that is the important thing with child abduction - I would be very concerned that there is a big question over your son's country of residence as he spends 50% of his time here and 50% in Russia. I wonder if she knows more about rights than you do and this was strategic?

Important you get advice from a solicitor familiar with child abduction as believe me, some are not familiar with the process at all. There is a Centre for Child Abduction in Dublin and they have a website, so maybe familiarise yourself with it.

PS You don't need to be an Irish citizen to attend school here.

Good luck:)

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I'm just wondering if the mother of your child ever settled here. Maybe I'm bringing up irrelevant ground, but did she ever work in Ireland? Did she go back home every 8 weeks before she met you / after she met you and before she became pregnant? What is her visa status here?

I suppose I'm trying to reconcile the bubbly friendly girl to the utterly closed off one. I just don't get it! I hate to bring this up, but is there any chance that you are not the father? I've read the wholpe thread, but something just doesn't feel right. How long was she living in Ireland before you met? Is she from Russia but has citizenship from another EU state?

sabat

Hi op, please don't take this the wrong way, but the very first thing you should do is get a paternity test-it's cheap and can be done with her knowing. Something's definitely not right here and I don't think it can be explained away by cultural or psychological reasons. Afterwards you can move forward with legal advice etc.

Kidchameleon

I think people are being slightly hard on the mother here. I know of far too many Irish people who don't see their child at all, and the child lives in Ireland! I think the fact that the mother comes over for 50% of the year shows that deep down she wants the OP to have a relationship with the kid. Based on the information provided by the OP, the mother could easily not bother her arse at all. Don't forget the OP loves her!

rovoagho

OP, make sure you mention to the solicitor about the vaccinations, it's an important factor, and not just legally. Your child needs to be vaccinated as a priority.

I swear to god, if I ever meet Andrew Wakefield in person, I'll kick his head in.

The Corinthian

OP, your legal status is as follows. Under Irish law you are presently a legal stranger to your child; that is you have zero rights - only the 'right' to pay maintenance for your son.

Additionally, you may also have to pay maintenance for your partner, should she decide to leave you. According to the cohabitation bill, if the two of you have been living together for two years (five if there was no child), then you effectively will be liable to pay palimony - which given you've already demonstrated you can afford to be generous with it, isn't going to be low.

Under Russian law, you will have some rights, I believe, but it will be a very difficult thing for you to register or enforce them. As Russia is a pretty patriarchal society, father's rights are typically pretty poorly developed.

You may apply for guardianship at any stage in Ireland. I would first go down the route of asking for your partner's cooperation for this; she signs the form and you just get it notarized by a commissioner for oaths. It's a good idea to do so, and you should explain it to her, because in the event of something happening to her, you actually have no rights to your son - technically her parents do - for example.

If she refuses, especially after you explain the very practical reasons for it, this will be a red flag, IMO. In such an event you should proceed regardless and see to it that she receives the summons while in Ireland. Her residency may be an issue, with regard to this though - even though she may be living 50% of her time in Ireland officially she may be resident in Russia, meaning that you cannot sue her for guardianship here. Proving Irish residency is actually quite difficult as it's not terribly well regulated, unlike other countries. Check her status in Ireland up, ASAP.

If she is resident (also) in Ireland and is served with the summons, then you'll almost certainly get guardianship rights. Even if she does a runner back to Russia before the court case, it'll still stand.

However, her residency is key here, not only so that you can sue for guardianship but because her residency is also the child's residency. And while the Russian Federation is a member of Hague Convention on the Civil Aspects of International Child Abduction, you still have to take a child away from its habitual residency - if that is registered as Russia, then tough.

The following piece may help:

http://russian-divorce.com/questions/q2556/

Nonetheless, if you get as far as getting guardianship, the next thing you should secure is Irish citizenship for your son and keep that pasport.

If you have been living together for two years, then another option is to marry her. She'll have the right to sue for maintenance and assets anyway and once married you'll get certain automatic rights to your child in both Ireland and Russia. Note; this is an option, not my advice.

Overall, reading through your posts, and having had more than a little experience with Russian or Ukrainian women (who were often married and not to me), I'll have to say it looks like you've been played like a grand piano and my guess is that your son is most likely registered resident in Russia, which means that unless you want to start a costly international case, you're kind of screwed. Worse still, she'll be able to sue you for maintenance, for your son and potentially for herself (although if she's not resident in Ireland, she may lose out on this), and even paying this this will not give you any rights.

Ideally, you'll be able to patch things up with your partner, especially if you think the problems are psychological rather than Machiavellian. Consider the possibility that she may be suffering from PND or something simelar. Talk with her parents and see what they say - get a translator if you need to. Suggest counselling.

As with many people here, I strongly recommend that you seek a solicitor ASAP and find out what your rights and options may be, not to mention to confirm anything I've said above (don't treat any of it as Gospel truth).

The Corinthian

Kidchameleon wrote: »

I think the fact that the mother comes over for 50% of the year shows that deep down she wants the OP to have a relationship with the kid.

How nice of her to consider that for their child.

Based on the information provided by the OP, the mother could easily not bother her arse at all. Don't forget the OP loves her!

Were the OP to stop bankrolling her, I suspect she would, indeed, not bother her arse at all.

gazzer

Kidchameleon wrote: »

I think people are being slightly hard on the mother here. I know of far too many Irish people who don't see their child at all, and the child lives in Ireland! I think the fact that the mother comes over for 50% of the year shows that deep down she wants the OP to have a relationship with the kid. Based on the information provided by the OP, the mother could easily not bother her arse at all. Don't forget the OP loves her!

The mother would be spending 100% of her time in Ireland if it wasnt for the OP paying for her to go home approx 4 times a year. How can you say she wants the father to have a relationship with his child if she wont let him be on his own with the child?

OP does your partner consider herself as living in Ireland or Russia considering she seems to spend half her time in both places. Are you supporting her for the 8 weeks that she is back home or do you pay for the flights and her family support her once she gets there? What would happen if you told her you couldnt afford to give her money to fly back home

The Corinthian

gazzer wrote: »

OP does your partner consider herself as living in Ireland or Russia considering she seems to spend half her time in both places.

I know I mentioned this above, but I don't think it's really been discussed here and it is very, very important to the legal situation regarding the OP's child.

Residency in countries like Ireland and the UK is treated in a bit of a Mickey Mouse way, largely because we don't like the idea of Big Brother ID cards and so on. That's why we tend to need things like bills showing our name and address if we want to prove our residency; most other countries you're actually obliged to register within 30 days or so, landlords are obliged to pass on your details to the local authorities and people are issued ID cards.

The OP's partner appears to have two residencies, as she's spending as much time in Russia as Ireland (from what I've understood). Legally, it's more than likely she's registered in Russia (although she may not have). As for Ireland, unless she's registered with the Irish Naturalisation & Immigration Service, there's a good chance there's no proof she lives in Ireland at all; do any bills arrive addressed to her? Is her name on any lease? If not she has, at best, Russian residency and does not officially live in Ireland.

What does this mean? It means that the OP will have to pursue his rights through Russian courts, because the habitual residency of the child is always the same as that of the sole custodial parent in such cases, i.e. the mother in this one.

Anyhow, this is just what's jumped out at me. Seeking legal advice at this stage is paramount no matter what the truth of the matter.

iguana

The Corinthian wrote: »

As for Ireland, unless she's registered with the Irish Naturalisation & Immigration Service, there's a good chance there's no proof she lives in Ireland at all; do any bills arrive addressed to her? Is her name on any lease? If not she has, at best, Russian residency and does not officially live in Ireland.

I believe the OP mentioned previously that his partner lost her Child Benefit as she does not meet the Habitual Residence Condition. This would suggest that the child is not considered legally a resident in Ireland.

clairefontaine

iguana wrote: »

I believe the OP mentioned previously that his partner lost her Child Benefit as she does not meet the Habitual Residence Condition. This would suggest that the child is not considered legally a resident in Ireland.

From my understanding, Ireland has no consistent rules on Habitual Residence. Social Welfare might say one thing, and another government office might say another. It's typically wishy washy leaving everyone vulnerable and with their heads in the sand not knowing where they stand.

OP, you need to start collecting all the paperwork you can, as someone else said, bills, leases, mail, anything with her name on it. And you need to be sneaky about what you are doing because if she catches wind of it she will bolt.

Perhaps the reason she is in Ireland half the time and Russia the other half, may have to do with Irish Visa requirements and her immigration status?

Also contact the Irish Consulate in Russia. They may be able offer advice.

Do you know where your child is when the child is in Russia with its mother? Do you have a specific location?

Sheldons Brain

Is the child receiving Irish child benefit? If so, that is an implicit declaration that the child is resident in Ireland or that its parents are, at least. If not receiving child benefit I suggest applying for same and conducting some other legalities at the same time.

I'd go to a solicitor asap.

Teyla Emmagan

You poor thing OP. Am just full of compassion for you and I hope things go well, just wanted to say that. All I can say is tread very, very carefully and be subtle. The very last thing you want to do is have you partner bolt (obviously). I know a lot of people have said here that she's with you for the money, but I don't see that, so try not to let that factor your thinking. From what I can see, she is not spending the money she has from you on herself (bar the flights home, of course). I would hope she very much loves you too, and you will both work this out. It could still be PMD, you say she's changed so much since she had your son. Show her as much love as you can until this all gets worked out (and hopefully, it will all be for the best). Good luck with your trip to the solicitor, that's the first and most important step. What's most important now is that your child stays here, so be careful about frightening your partner in the interim.

LegacyUser

Op here following up with the situation after a weekend of panic.

Went to the solisitor, I got a form for gaurdianship . I am going to tell my partner I want them filled out to make sure son is looked after in case of anything happening me.

We are going to leave off bringing up my family not seeing son and forces on me getting to be a bigger part of his life.

I am taking the advice of building a family unit of three and making more of an effort to try fit in to their daily lives.

I'm not sure how I'm going to bring up the Russia visits but I will work it out.

Thanks all

Slutmonkey57b

Good luck with it OP.

Try your best, but plan for the worst. I think you are going to be ripped off at some point and she will bolt for Russia for good. Be prepared.

maryk123

I have read this thread with great interest. Well done getting to a solicitor and following through. Very brave. However, it's all for your son. Again well done.

wdmfapq4zs83hv

Hi op, just wanted to wish you all the best. Just read through this thread, which started out as "my partner wont leave the child with anyone" & developed into you realising you have no legal rights to your child at present. I really feel for you. It amazes me how many men dont realise that if they are not married they need to go to court for Guardianship. Its a primitive system we have here & hopefully fathers rights will improve in time. It must be very upsetting for you to wave your child off for 8 weeks at a time, you must miss him so much. Especially at that age. I have one the same age & they are learning new things every day.

I am also a new mum so I do understand the feeling of not wanting to hand your child over to anyone but it does sound excessive to me. To bath with him, sleep with him etc. What will she do when he goes to school? Have another baby & start all over again? Anyway I sincerely hope it works out for you & she will sign the guardianship forms. I agree with the others about softly softly approach, last thing you want is her to do a runner with your son. All the best op, let us know how you get on