Refusing to go to wedding - Mod Warning Post #34

LegacyUser

So this is a bit of a complicated one not exactly cut and dry and I think there will be lots of division people picking different sides but I think it's mostly for getting it out of my system ( sort of) that I'm posting as opposed to finding a solution.

My sisters husband passed away suddenly just over a month ago, my wedding is in a month.
I found out from her friend yesterday she isn't going, friend then told her I knew which printed her to visit me to " tell me" the conversation basically went why would I even think she would go and me telling her that it hurt me so much to hear that and that I really would never get over it if she wasn't there( I actually wasn't trying to guilt it was just honesty)

I feel so hurt and upset I've been up most of the night crying , I really have been there for her nonstop and supported and done so much for her and I'm hurt that with a month to go she won't even consider being there to support me on a day that is one of the biggest in my life. I've been trying so hard not to be insensitive that yesterday was the first day we even spoke about me getting married!

She has basically made a bad time so much worse for my family over last month as she is running away from stuff hanging out with major scumbags and then fighting with us when she is home. So I think because of the stress already it's worse than if she came honestly and told us but I think it's just for dramatic effect.
I don't know what to do as she says she is adamant at not going but I can't help but feel it's extremely selfish of her to not be prepared to stand by her family for one day , does she really think the day would be better by her sitting home on her own knowing we are all gone and then ruining it on others because they're worried about her but can't even check her cos it's In a diff town??

Sorry for turning it into a rant at the end I'm just lost as to what to do maybe someone will have some words of wisdom !!

CaraMay

Omg are you joking me???? Her husband passed away a month ago and you are making this all about you??? She is not up to going to your wedding right now. She might have changed her mind but I would say you have scuppered that now for sure.

I can't believe you have created this drama. Last time I checked, attendance at a wedding was voluntary. You really need to back off and let her get on with life as best she can without adding any additional pressure on her.

Leave her be and she might surprise you but don't put any more guilt trips on her.

ElleEm

I think you are being completely selfish and unreasonable.
Your sister's husband has unexpectedly died. It will take her longer than two months to get over! I cannot believe that you are failing to see where she is coming from. You expect her to paint on a smile and attend a day dedicated to love and marriage, all the while having people ask her how she is, talk about her husband, talk about her behind her back, judge her for drinking/ dancing (if she does), judge her for sitting in a corner crying (if she does). People deal with grief differently. She is choosing to manage it in her own way. Putting pressure in her to attend a party for your sake is heartless.

Taltos

OP - I am 100% with Cara on this.
For a moment, just close your eyes, think of the happiness and love you feel for your fiance, picture your hopes and dreams together. They holidays you will enjoy, the children you will raise. Their birthdays, first days at school, graduation, their 21st where you and your fiance will spend a fortune but put up silly photos of them, their wedding, the day you become a grandmother.

Now - for a second imagine your partner suddenly dead. All of that is now gone. Life is bleak. There are no more good days, just one massive open wound that bleeds and hurts and never ever gets any better. (At least right now that is all you can think of).
That is probably only a fraction of the pain your sister is in.

She just needs someone to hold her and tell her it will all be ok right now. That was meant to be you. Instead through no fault of your own, the planning for your wedding has blinded you to the agony she is in and she probably feels more alone than ever.

Don't blame her, don't even blame yourself. Accept she is just not up to it but give her that hug, tell her you love her and that while you will miss her, you now totally understand why she can't come.
If you must put an empty chair there with her picture but don't ever ask her again is she sure, is there no way she can come.

There are no winners in this but right now as cut up as you are at her just imagine how she must be feeling.

foxinsox

From reading your post, to me it seems like your sister is struggling and could really do with your help and family support.

If I'd only recently lost my husband, the last place I'd want to be would be a beautiful happy wedding.

You might have persuaded her to come in the evening to the wedding, but now sadly it seems that it has caused a major falling out between you two.

A wedding is just one day out of your hopefully long happy relationship.

Your sister needs you, if I was you I would apologise to her, tell her you love her and you and your family help her deal with her grief.



Best of luck :-)

Typer Monkey

You're being totally unreasonable, insensitive and selfish. The world doesn't revolve around you and your wedding! Your sister is grieving the very recent loss of her husband. I'm not surprised she doesn't feel able to publically cope with all the memories of her own wedding and grief that will obviously be overwhelming. Yet you've managed to create a load of extra stress and anguish and made it all about you.

I'm rarely flabbergasted by threads on here but this really takes the biscuit. Christ almighty OP, get a grip

Meauldsegosha

Anonymous 228 wrote: »

She has basically made a bad time so much worse for my family over last month as she is running away from stuff hanging out with major scumbags and then fighting with us when she is home.!

OP I can't believe the sentence above. Your sister is going through one of the hardest times she will ever experience. If it is a bad time for your family it is a thousand times worse for her.

Stop hassling your sister to go to your wedding. Give her time to grieve and be there to support her.

2013LEO

"My sisters husband passed away suddenly just over a month ago, my wedding is in a month.
I really have been there for her nonstop and supported and done so much for her and I'm hurt that with a month to go she won't even consider being there to support me on a day that is one of the biggest in my life.
She has basically made a bad time so much worse for my family over last month as she is running away from stuff hanging out with major scumbags and then fighting with us when she is home."


Hi OP, this is a difficult situation to be in. The day may be the biggest in your life but your sister's biggest day was only over a month ago when her husband died. I think you should accept & understand that your sister will not be there on such a "happy" occasion when she herself is obviously going through an awful time. I would be more concerned at the moment about what is happening to yr sister & how she is handling her husbands sudden death ("hanging out with major scumbags"). I wonder if it was a close friend would you have a different take on things - sometimes we expect too much of family members. If your sister doesnt want to be at your wedding a month after her husbands death then I think she has a very valid reason for not being there - I know its hard when you're so looking forward to your big day & want everything to be perfect but some things are outside our control & you need to accept that & come to terms with it. I think you should talk to your sister & tell her you understand that this is an awful time, but that if she could, you would love if she could be there for the wedding cermony & she could leave then if she wanted to, the main thing is to not to put her under pressure to be there, let it be her choice, and as an adult you must accept her decision. At this stage you should put it into your head that she will not be there & if she turns up on the day its a bonus.

alias06

Anonymous 228 wrote: »

My sisters husband passed away suddenly just over a month ago, my wedding is in a month.
I found out from her friend yesterday she isn't going, friend then told her I knew which printed her to visit me to " tell me" the conversation basically went why would I even think she would go and me telling her that it hurt me so much to hear that and that I really would never get over it if she wasn't there( I actually wasn't trying to guilt it was just honesty)

I feel so hurt and upset I've been up most of the night crying , I really have been there for her nonstop and supported and done so much for her and I'm hurt that with a month to go she won't even consider being there to support me on a day that is one of the biggest in my life. I've been trying so hard not to be insensitive that yesterday was the first day we even spoke about me getting married!

She has basically made a bad time so much worse for my family over last month as she is running away from stuff hanging out with major scumbags and then fighting with us when she is home. So I think because of the stress already it's worse than if she came honestly and told us but I think it's just for dramatic effect.
I don't know what to do as she says she is adamant at not going but I can't help but feel it's extremely selfish of her to not be prepared to stand by her family for one day , does she really think the day would be better by her sitting home on her own knowing we are all gone and then ruining it on others because they're worried about her but can't even check her cos it's In a diff town??

Sorry for turning it into a rant at the end I'm just lost as to what to do maybe someone will have some words of wisdom !!

Oh my God. She is not going to attend the wedding because her husband just died. She is in mourning. That's it. There is no more to it. Get over yourself. The world does not revolve around you.

When you have just been hit by grief the last thing many people would want is to attend a big happy clappy occasion. Let her deal with her grief in her own way.

tinkerbell

OMG OP, this is the most selfish post I have ever seen. You are so self-absorbed in your bridezilla ways that you clearly don't give a damn that your sister's husband has JUST DIED. Your wedding day means nothing to your sister right now. Sorry OP if this is not the attention seeking response you want of "poor me" but your wedding day is irrelevant right now. Think of your sister - her husband is dead, she has lost the man she planned on spending her life with and instead of giving her a hug and understanding like any reasonable human being would, you lecture her about how "you'll never get over it" if she doesn't attend. And you spent your night crying after because she's so been "insensitive" to you? How do you think she has spent the last month?

OP, get over yourself. I'm so disgusted that you would actually treat your sister this way after her husband dying. You are the one being insensitive and cruel - not her. Try for a minute to stop thinking of yourself all the time and imagine how she must feel right now. She lost her husband a month ago, she will never get over that. How do you think you would feel if your fiancé suddenly died?

I suggest that you call to her and apologise for being such a self-absorbed brat. You are completely in the wrong here.

whiskeyman

Anonymous 228 wrote: »

She has basically made a bad time so much worse for my family over last month as she is running away from stuff hanging out with major scumbags and then fighting with us when she is home.

What was your relationship with your sister before her husband died?
From the above, it sounds like she's not coping well at all, and I don't think it's right for her to be there.
Forgot about her attendance and focus on her health and well being if you really care for her.

Penny Tration

Op, I am going to try not be too harsh.

You need to take the blinkers off and focus on something other than your wedding for a moment.

Your sister lost her husband a matter of weeks ago. She cannot cope with spending a day with family celebrating love and relationships because she has lost hers and is in terrible pain, more pain than I think you currently have the emotional capacity to understand.

Your sister is not being selfish. She is distraught. Do you think her drinking and hanging around bad people would happen if she were happy with her life.

Her entire life has changed in an awful, terrible way. No matter how hard it is for your family, it is a million times worse for her and you need to at least try to understand that.

Please stop thinking of only yourself, before you alienate your sister even further and destroy your relationship. If you continue to push your frankly selfish agenda, she will never forgive you.

She needs support. She will not heal without support.

Forget about the wedding for a day, go see her, give her a hug and tell her you understand and can see why she can't go. Make her feel loved. She has just lost her love. You still have yours, so show her some love while she needs it the most.

dudara

You have to put yourself in her shoes. You're not married yet but try to imagine that you are, and then that your husband dies. Imagine how your wedding day felt and then imagine all that gone.

You have your wedding to look forward to. Your sister has had those wonderful memories overlaid with her loss. In time she will value those memories but right now she's grieving.

In fact, given that there has been such a major recent loss in the family, I'm surprised that you haven't offered to postpone the wedding.

Neyite

Its a wedding, OP. A big deal for you, and for your partner -and maybe the parents. But for everyone else including siblings, its a bit of a day out. A session. I was due to give birth 7 days after my sisters wedding. She knew that, and fully supported me in that even if I went early, with a brand new newborn and in recovery I may not attend. I obviously pulled out of bridesmaid duties and heard not a peep. Not even when I couldn't make the hen.

At my wedding, several siblings wont be there. They simply cant afford to come home from abroad for it. But, while I'll miss them, I fully understand. Its an important day for my partner and I, but for everybody else, its a session.

Add in to what the others said, I cant imagine sitting through the best part of 12 hours surrounded by extended family, getting pitying looks from them, or getting judged if I so much as smiled.

Oh God, her husband just DIED. Please let her grieve the way that she needs to and support her on this.

Stavro Mueller

dudara wrote: »

..
In fact, given that there has been such a major recent loss in the family, I'm surprised that you haven't offered to postpone the wedding.

This thought crossed my mind too. Along with the word Bridezilla flashing in giant big neon lights.

It's rare that a thread here is so unanimous. Maybe you need to take a step back from your preparations for your wedding and ask yourself how have you been behaving towards your family/friends lately. A wedding is just one day in your life and if the truth be told, most people would rather not be there. Sorry if that's a harsh comment but it's true. I've yet to meet someone who hasn't groaned when an invitation has come through the letterbox.

I'm horrified at your attitude towards your sister. Grief comes in many forms and it would appear that your sister's way of coping is to go off the rails rather than to weep quietly in a corner. You should be trying to help her, not berate her because she's not behaving in the way you think she should be. The poor woman is probably still in a state of shock and floundering around, trying to find her place in the world again. The last thing she needs is Miss Bridezilla looking down her nose at her and chastising her for not coming to her wedding.

cactusgal

Plus one to what other posters have said.

You should have postponed the wedding when your brother-in-law died.

Tabitharose

I'm with everyone else I'm afraid, I would have thought that the best thing to do would have been to offer to postpone the wedding, if this wasn't an option for some reason, I would have expected that you would have approached your sister, quietly, and told her that given what she has been through, you would totally understand if she didn't want to come to the wedding, or wanted to come to just part of it.

You seem to be making this all about you, from what your sister's been through, it's incredibly selfish. The poor woman's life has been shattered into a million tiny pieces & you're crying cause she won't be at the wedding, most likely because she cannot cope with being there.

By all means have a little cry and a pity party about her not coming, but do it in private - away from her, she is coping with so much right now, she doesn't need a drama queen sister trying to make her feel worse when she's at her lowest point.

missjm

OP - you start off by saying that it's complicated. I'm afraid it's not one bit complicated. Your sister lost her husband only a few weeks ago. She is in shock, immense grief and her world has fallen apart. She needs your support right now, not pressure to attend a big family day out where people will quite possibly even keep their distance on the day for fear of saying something insensitive by accident. I don't think you are grasping what a big deal it is that her husband died. Perhaps you are so wrapped up in your wedding plans it hasn't quite hit you. Is there any way you could postpone the wedding given the circumstances
?

CaraMay

I agree the op needs to change her attitude totally and do a complete u turn but do think it's excessive to postpone the wedding.

Have been thinking about the sister and feel so sorry for her having this melodrama added to her existing woes.

Big Bag of Chips

To give you a little perspective, OP, my cousin's husband died suddenly and unexpectedly. Her sister got married over a year later. Now, the widow did go to the wedding but stepped down as bridesmaid, asked that her husband not be mentioned in any part of the day (remembering people not here, etc). She said that even though it was going to be a very difficult day for her, and her other family members, she wanted the day to be about her sister, and not turn into a pity fest for her.

As it was, most of the people there, did spend the day keeping an eye on her. Pitying looks when all the love and "rest of your lives" stuff was being talked about. Feeling sorry for her being so lost at what should have been a very happy time for the while family... And one that her husband should have been there to celebrate too.

This, as I say, was over a year after the bereavement, and it was still raw and fresh in everyone's mind... Not just my cousins'.

You need to back off, and allow your sister to do what feels right for her, not what you want. You do realise if she goes, that the focus of everyone will be her, all day. When you are saying your vows, people will be looking at her, with pitying looks, wondering how upset she must be. During the speeches people will be looking at how she is reacting. At your first dance, she will have well meaning guests with their arm around her, comforting her.

Your day is about you and your husband. Everyone else are extras. The day would be horrific for your sister to endure. If it was a small, intimate, family only affair she might be more likely to attend, and not feel so bad about crying through the entire thing... I'm guessing it's a fairly big wedding though, and your sister doesn't want to be a spectator sport for a crowd of people she doesn't really know.

I think it is interesting that you feel opinion would be very divided... Yet there is unanimous agreement. Your wedding day is special to you, her husband and her grief are personal to her. It is something you cannot possibly understand. And its something that as a family you are powerless to help her with. All you can do is stand back and watch as she works through it. And support her anyway you can. And if that means hugging her and telling her you completely understand that she cannot be at your wedding, then that's what you do.... Even if you don't mean it.

Holsten

I actually got angry reading that post.

You really need to look at the situation, OP.

She would be in no mood to go at all. This time is really about her, a wedding is NOTHING even remotely close to the death of a spouse.

Chucky the tree

Every so often you come across a thread that really makes you stop. It's depressing to think they're are people in the world as self-centred and horrible as OP. Amazed that you either A) can't comprehend that the wedding day will just basically be a huge reminder about her own wedding and simply bring back memories of her husband or you don't give a **** about that.

Big Bag of Chips

If your sister goes to the wedding she will spend the day hiding on well meaning sympathisers. Your whole family will spend the day keeping an eye on her, minding her and worrying about. It will not be a good day for her, and even after it you may well be annoyed that her situation overshadowed your happy day.

Sinead Mc1

Its clear you're extremely caught up in your wedding. What you need to remember is no one gives a **** about this day as much as you do. Probably not even your husband to be.
So your sister won't be attending. You will have all your other family and friends there.
This is one day op. You will wake up the next morning, with your husband, and it will all be over. Whats happened to your sister is forever. She should not be expected to attend, just so your vision of what you think your wedding should be, is complete.
Would you spend every minute of the day with her? No, because you'll be mingleing with guests. And even if you did it wouldn't make it right. She would have to sit there, pretending to be happy. It seems you just want every little thing to be perfect. But it can't be.
It would also serve you well to remember that the mood could be sombre on the day because of this loss. You should be prepared for this.
I would pick up the phone and make amends with your sister. These are unfortunate circumstances but you should be doing all you can to help her. Tell her its fine should she not want to attend and that you're there for her. Make sure someone has offered to be with her for the day too.
The wedding is a big deal to you now but I guarantee you, you will be so ashamed when you look back, should you not make amends now. You will have plenty of beautiful times to look forward to with your husband. Count your blessings.

dellas1979

Anonymous 228 wrote: »

does she really think the day would be better by her sitting home on her own knowing we are all gone and then ruining it on others because they're worried about her but can't even check her cos it's In a diff town??

Sitting on her own at home? Wow - What a horrible sister you have. That selfish, selfish sister of yours wanting to mourn her husband. The flamin cheek of her.

I am actually appauled at this.

The woman, your sister, just lost her husband.

Let put the shoe on the other foot here, seeing as you are giving her a good kicking. Is it not insensitive of you (to her) to go ahead with the wedding considering recent events?

Dee01

I will probably get slated for this, but I think the OP is being torn apart a slightly too much here.

Sometimes, you can get self obsessed with something and not even realise it. I would imagine once she read one or two posts from this thread, the fog cleared and she realised she was being unreasonable. It sometimes takes an outsider to bring perspective into the equation and that is the reason she came here.

OP, your sister is distraught and can't cope with having to deal with such a massive occasion so soon after the loss of her husband. I would imagine there will be a big cross over with the mourners from the funeral as well.

I think if it was me, I would call back to your sister and apologise for last night. Tell her you were caught up in the planning and yourself and hadn't stopped to consider how hard it would be for her at this time. Tell her you are there for her and will support her no matter what decision she makes and that although you would love to see her there, you understand if she doesn't feel able for it.

The fact that you found out through a third party that she wasn't coming to your wedding, would lead me to think she knew how you would react to the news. Maybe this has been an added stress to her as well.

Good luck with it OP I hope you can sort it out with her.

Foolscap

OP, this is one of the most selfish things I've ever heard. You're sister has just lost her husband and you expect her to sit through a ceremony in which you gain a husband whilst uttering the words "till death do us part?"

You would want to seriously backtrack and apologise for being so spoilt and selfish, imagine for one second how you would feel if you lost you fiance?

This is the type of thing that tears families apart. If you don't cop on, you're sister may never forgive you for how you've behaved. I'm astonished at your attitude.

LegacyUser

Dee01 wrote: »

I will probably get slated for this, but I think the OP is being torn apart a slightly too much here.

Sometimes, you can get self obsessed with something and not even realise it. I would imagine once she read one or two posts from this thread, the fog cleared and she realised she was being unreasonable. It sometimes takes an outsider to bring perspective into the equation and that is the reason she came here.

OP, your sister is distraught and can't cope with having to deal with such a massive occasion so soon after the loss of her husband. I would imagine there will be a big cross over with the mourners from the funeral as well.

I think if it was me, I would call back to your sister and apologise for last night. Tell her you were caught up in the planning and yourself and hadn't stopped to consider how hard it would be for her at this time. Tell her you are there for her and will support her no matter what decision she makes and that although you would love to see her there, you understand if she doesn't feel able for it.

The fact that you found out through a third party that she wasn't coming to your wedding, would lead me to think she knew how you would react to the news. Maybe this has been an added stress to her as well.

Good luck with it OP I hope you can sort it out with her.

Yah I have to agree. We sometimes can lose the run of ourselves without even realising it. I think the OP should just take a step back from this situation and try and look at it from an outsiders perspective. The reality is that what we do in our lives has the biggest affect on us rather than the people around us especially in relation to weddings, new jobs, new relationships etc. Your sister is going through probably the toughest period of her life at the moment. Your wedding will come and go but she will still be left with her grief. Just try to support and understand your sister. And without sounding too harsh it may actually come back to bite in later life when your sister might think you were't there for her when she needed you.

iwantmydinner

OP, wake up and listen to what's being said here.

I would be heartbroken if I was in your sister's shoes and one of my sisters treated me the way you're treating her.

That's on top of the indescribable grief of losing a husband a few weeks ago. Come on.

December2012

I'm going to give you the benefit if the doubt here OP.

I am assuming you are stressed about your wedding, which can happen even when you're not a bridezilla.

In your world your wedding is the main thing to you.

You want it to be perfect - which is unserstandable. You want all the people you love there to share in your perfection and happy day - which is again, understandable.

You have no idea what it's like to be married yet. You have no idea what it's like to have your spouse die, young and suddenly.

Here is where I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt - it is this ignorance that you have of how your sister and probably family feel that is making you act so spectacularly horrible to your sister. Do you love your fiancé? Would you go to a wedding a month after he died?

It's akin to watching your sister have a baby while you have a miscarriage.

Getting fired while somebody else gets promoted.

Getting dumped when your best friend gets engaged.

Except it's worse, it's permanent and it's forever.

So here's what you should do - you call around to your sister in person and you apologise for making her feel bad. You tell her that you cannot comprehend what she is going through, and that you are so sorry. You tell her you love her, you support her (you don't need support to get married btw!), and you will be there for her.

She has more of an idea about marriage than you.

Your wedding day does not matter in the grand scheme of things. It will not be the best day of your life. Your marriage is more important than your wedding.

And your brother in laws death is more important than your wedding.

Your sister needs you and your family.

So stop right now.

Chara1001

I really hope you're taking notice of these unanimous replies.
It could be as Dee01 suggests- you got caught up with yourself and your plans to the level where you acted out of character. I hope for your sisters' sake this is the case, and she can get on with her grieving and hope you will be back to your old self to support her when your wedding is over.
If not Op, you need to take a long hard look at yourself. How on gods green earth is she supposed to put a happy face on, tell you you look beautiful, she is so happy for you etc etc- how??
It was a month ago!!!! Her grief is raw!!
I just can't believe your post, if this not totally out of character for you, you should be ashamed of yourself.