Refusing to go to wedding - Mod Warning Post #34

Tokyo

plasteritup, as per the Forum Charter, if you can't post in a civil manner, please consider not posting at all, as future comments like this may lead to an infraction or ban. I would also like to remind everybody else to keep their responses civil and constructive.

Thanks,

mike_ie

peaceandlove

It's hard to beleive that this is a serious thread??
I feel so sorry for your sister, I know I would be absolutely devastated if my partner died even the thought of it upsets me.

You really need to take a long hard look at yourself it's hard to imagine that anyone could be so selfish. As others have mentioned the day is about you and your husband to be most people (that I know) do not really enjoy being invited to a wedding.

My advice get over to your sister asap and apologise for being so selfish tell her you got crazy for a minute and can she forgive you.

plasteritup

mike_ie wrote: »

plasteritup, as per the Forum Charter, if you can't post in a civil manner, please consider not posting at all, as future comments like this may lead to an infraction or ban. I would also like to remind everybody else to keep their responses civil and constructive.

Thanks,

mike_ie

Ok just got a bit pissed off with the op

LegacyUser

I went on holiday with friends a month after my father died unexpectedly. The holiday had been planned for nearly a year but none of my friends would have had issue with me canceling on them. I went because my mother was so insistent that I get back to normal but I wish I hadn't listened to her. It was an awful trip for me. I kept a smile on for the sake of my friends but I ended up going off by myself most of the time as I would just burst into tears at random and need time to calm down. Trying to just do small talk with people was a nightmare as I didn't want to dump the fact my father had just died on them but trying to chat about anything else going on in my life seemed like a betrayal to him which made me feel worse. I never told me mum how awful it was as she was dealing with her own grief at the time. That was a long weekend break with 3 friends and it was so overwhelming for me emotionally, I couldn't imagine what going to a wedding filled with family and friends would have been like, there is no way I could have dealt with that. OP you can't imagine the sort of grief your sisters is going through until you've been through it yourself, everyone deals with if differently but they need to deal with it so you need to step back and let your sister deal. Be there when she needs you but stop making this about you.

Paddy Cow

You are bang out of order and owe your sister a massive apology.

thefeatheredcat

I think OP you are interpreting her not going as a means to be spiteful towards you, which is an interpretation based on what you described as her hanging around scumbags and fighting with you and other family members that is influencing your reaction.

I have to ask OP, do you normally have a good relationship with your sister? Is she normally good to you, nice to you, or has she been spiteful to you for years and that you have never got on? I ask because the way you describe her, what you wrote in your post, your low opinion and general dislike to her sounds to me, that there's a bigger backstory to your unkindness towards her than you let on, that explains why you consider her so selfish and spiteful. Or not, perhaps and your negative opinion of her is arising merely out of your perception she is being nasty when actually she is reacting to a trauma in her life and you lack an ability to understand this, empathise with it or feel anything for the poor girl at all, that you can't see past what you perceive as selfishness on her behalf and think that this is only about you and only you matter and only you are deserving of sympathy or empathy or kindness.

Going by your post though, whether ye normally get on or not, or whether your sister is generally a pain in the backside to you or whatever, it is extremely insensitive to someone who is bereaved to push aside whatever they may be feeling following a sudden death, and to guilt them about not going to a wedding and to accuse them of stirring drama just to spite you. I feel you do not understand your sister's position or what she is going through and view her as someone who being unnecessarily and unreasonably awkward, dramatic, selfish, spiteful and nasty towards you for no real reason. Now without knowing your sister or you, this indeed could be true that she is that way towards you regardless and that is the way it has always been, BUT the fact that her husband died very recently and very suddenly should connect her behaviour to her situation and a means for understanding, rather than berating her and interpreting her every action and words as her being spiteful towards you for no reason..

If you want some words of wisdom: make contact with your sister, make a gesture of making amends and apologising to her and postpone the wedding if you really want to have her there. Understand that she is not going just to spite and hurt you, but more likely out of dealing with a bereavement.

loalae

I think the OP's character has been ripped to shreds unnecessarily here!

OP I agree with most people here in the sense that I don't think that it's unreasonable that your sister doesn't want to attend your wedding. Her husband died a month ago and she needs time to grieve. People react in different ways to bereavement and everything you have described about her behaviour falls into the range of normal grieving behaviour.

From a purely selfish point if view you needs to decide what is more important to you - your relationship with your sister or her presence at your wedding. I'm afraid it doesn't look like you can have both.

But I think if you try for some empathy you'll understand that she is just not able to attend.

LegacyUser

Ok so I'm the op back I wrote this post this morning when I was extremely teary and angry , I made the post out way worse as a cause of that, I completely agree with the post sounding so selfish and that's not me at all! There are a good few other factors that come into play that make the situation more complicated than how I portrayed ( hence the me labelling her as selfish)
It's not her not coming to the wedding as such I can completely understand it but has a lot to do with the fact that I had to hear from someone I barely know when I haven't left her side for a minute in last month ( eg have been sleeping in bed beside her every night) so I do think the ppl who labelled me a horrible sibling maybe should have given me benefit of doubt.
To those who said I should cancel that was what I originally tried to do but all of my family said no you can't do that because unfortunately life has to go on
I feel extremely guilty for going ahead with this and the reason I'm so angry is I literally saw my mom die a little as my sister really horribly said she's not going in such a way that had less to do with grieving and more to cause drama, as I said her coping has been by releasing anger ripping us to shreds as much as possible.
I do wish my first post had come across a little different but maybe after this one ppl can give me benefit of doubt ( like some had) thanks to everybody who took the time to reply I appreciate it.

Addle

Chucky the tree wrote: »

Every so often you come across a thread that really makes you stop. It's depressing to think they're are people in the world as self-centred and horrible as OP. Amazed that you either A) can't comprehend that the wedding day will just basically be a huge reminder about her own wedding and simply bring back memories of her husband or you don't give a **** about that.

I'm not surprised with the original post, I've known more than one unreasonable bride and groom express similar sentiment over like situations.
Weddings make some people go mad.

I hope you haven't ruined your relationship with your sister forever OP.

December2012

So what?

So she got someone else to give you the message - nothing wrong with that. Even if she is trying to be dramatic you have to give her a pass. I mean come on - you are judging her through an unfair filter.

Let's make this clear. When your husband dies you are entitled to do this wrongly.

When your husband dies you can do whatever the eff you like really.

When your husband dies a part of you dies too.

Grief and bereavement are not standardized.

Give her a break.

mr_edge_to_you

Anonymous 228 wrote: »

It's not her not coming to the wedding as such I can completely understand it but has a lot to do with the fact that I had to hear from someone I barely know.

Perhaps she was worrying that you'd overreact which seems like a legitimate concern. She has enough on her plate at the moment.

To be honest I would've been surprised if she didn't put in an appearance on the day after she had a few weeks to process what has just happened. You probably should've just left it settle!

As to what to do now? Go straight over and apologise. Tell your sister that the invite is still there and she can decide on the day if she's like to attend - any part of the day for whatever length of time suits.

LegacyUser

Just to add in there I wasn't horrible to my sister all I said was I was very hurt I had to hear from someone else and I'd b so hurt if she wasn't there I'm well aware of her grieving as said I've been there with her , the ranting was just on here

ElleEm

Anonymous 228 wrote: »

Ok so I'm the op back I wrote this post this morning when I was extremely teary and angry , I made the post out way worse as a cause of that, I completely agree with the post sounding so selfish and that's not me at all! There are a good few other factors that come into play that make the situation more complicated than how I portrayed ( hence the me labelling her as selfish)
It's not her not coming to the wedding as such I can completely understand it but has a lot to do with the fact that I had to hear from someone I barely know when I haven't left her side for a minute in last month ( eg have been sleeping in bed beside her every night) so I do think the ppl who labelled me a horrible sibling maybe should have given me benefit of doubt.
To those who said I should cancel that was what I originally tried to do but all of my family said no you can't do that because unfortunately life has to go on
I feel extremely guilty for going ahead with this and the reason I'm so angry is I literally saw my mom die a little as my sister really horribly said she's not going in such a way that had less to do with grieving and more to cause drama, as I said her coping has been by releasing anger ripping us to shreds as much as possible.
I do wish my first post had come across a little different but maybe after this one ppl can give me benefit of doubt ( like some had) thanks to everybody who took the time to reply I appreciate it.

It takes guts to reply after the harsh responses you got, OP, so fair play for coming back.

While you are asking for the benefit of the doubt, you have to understand that we do not know you. All we know is the impression you gave in your opening post, which was that of a selfish, bridezilla like character. We do not know your sister, or any more about her situation, but personally I feel that people who are bereaved should be given a bit of a carte blanche in regards to their behaviours for a while. The likelihood is that none of her decisions will make sense for the next while, but you just have to go with it for the next while as she struggles through her emotions.

Meauldsegosha

Anonymous 228 wrote: »

the reason I'm so angry is I literally saw my mom die a little as my sister really horribly said she's not going in such a way that had less to do with grieving and more to cause drama, as I said her coping has been by releasing anger ripping us to shreds as much as possible.

OP your sister being horrible is everything to do with her grieving. You really can't understand the hurt, pain and grieve she is going through. And I hope you never do. I lost my finance 6 weeks before our wedding and I can tell you I was a bitch to everyone around me for months after he died. I wanted everyone to feel the pain and hurt like I did. Has your sister had any counselling?

Jenneke87

This is one of those post that leaves you astounded for a moment and then you shake your head thinking:"This can't be real."

Your sister is acting out and you can't put two and two together that maybe she does that because she's hurting so much because her husband died four weeks ago and your acting like your about to die yourself because she won't come? Are.You.Kidding?

Your sister is going through one of the hardest things a human being can ever go through-the death of a beloved partner and you're wondering why she won't attend your wedding with a big smile on her face? It's repulsive that you would put her under that kind of pressure during this time in her life. Not postphoning the wedding because your family told you that life goes on? Who's getting married here? None of your family seems to show any consideration for the loss your sister has just suffered, all of it sounds so insensitive it's hard to wrap my mind around it.

If you want to go through with the wedding on the date you planned, expect your sister not to be there. And that you owe her a big, big apology. I feel deeply sorry for the poor woman.

tinkerbell

Anonymous 228 wrote: »

Ok so I'm the op back I wrote this post this morning when I was extremely teary and angry , I made the post out way worse as a cause of that, I completely agree with the post sounding so selfish and that's not me at all! There are a good few other factors that come into play that make the situation more complicated than how I portrayed ( hence the me labelling her as selfish)
It's not her not coming to the wedding as such I can completely understand it but has a lot to do with the fact that I had to hear from someone I barely know when I haven't left her side for a minute in last month ( eg have been sleeping in bed beside her every night) so I do think the ppl who labelled me a horrible sibling maybe should have given me benefit of doubt.
To those who said I should cancel that was what I originally tried to do but all of my family said no you can't do that because unfortunately life has to go on
I feel extremely guilty for going ahead with this and the reason I'm so angry is I literally saw my mom die a little as my sister really horribly said she's not going in such a way that had less to do with grieving and more to cause drama, as I said her coping has been by releasing anger ripping us to shreds as much as possible.
I do wish my first post had come across a little different but maybe after this one ppl can give me benefit of doubt ( like some had) thanks to everybody who took the time to reply I appreciate it.

Anonymous 228 wrote: »

Just to add in there I wasn't horrible to my sister all I said was I was very hurt I had to hear from someone else and I'd b so hurt if she wasn't there I'm well aware of her grieving as said I've been there with her , the ranting was just on here

You need to get over yourself. The world does not revolve around your wedding. I cannot believe you said you are so angry because you saw your mother die a little when your sister said she wasn't going to the wedding? For goodness sake, your sister's husband has just died - don't you think that a huge part of your sister died when she had to bury her husband? You're not thinking of your sister at all. Have a bit of perspective here - you are not the one who has had their whole world destroyed a month ago. She probably can't even think straight right now, let alone think of pandering to you and your mother's expectations on how she should compartmentalise her grief for the duration of your big day.

And I know you say you weren't horrible to your sister but you were! You were really cruel when you told her you wouldn't get over it if she didn't attend (which you said in your first post).

And you being there for her every night is what anybody would do if their sibling's partner just died. Your sister giving you the message via somebody else is probably because she didn't feel up to facing you as she knew how badly you would react and quite frankly, she doesn't need that drama right now. She needs support and family to help her through this enormous grief she is suffering right now. Instead of demanding she be there to support you at your wedding (quote from your first post) - what exactly does she need to support you about? What is so bad in your life that you need your grieving sister to support you on your wedding day? Oh wait, you just want her to sit there and plaster on a fake smile while you rub your wedding vows in her face while inside she probably dies a little more, remembering that she is a widow.

Sinead Mc1

To be honest I can understand about not putting the wedding off, life isnt that simple. There is the financial side to think of and besides the op did offer.
Op, we do not know your sister but I really don't think she would take this opportunity to purposely be dramatic. Even if I fully understood your way of thinking I would tell you to let this one slide. Think of the bigger picture. No one is ever going to think your right here. This woman is grieving. Don't put a fallout between you two on your family on top of everything else. Sometimes, even when you feel your right, you have to suck it up and except it.
I actually understand her getting someone else to tell you. My heart goes out to her to think that whilst you were comforting her she was probably thinking about the wedding and what to do. How to let you down gently. Some things are very hard to say to someone's face. If she found it easier to have this messaged relayed, so be it.
There will be plenty more occasions for your sister to enjoy with you in the future. The birth of your children etc are much more important than your wedding day. This is something you don't really realise till your wedding is over. Whatever way she finds easiest to cope ye should all be accommodating that.

Chucky the tree

Anonymous 228 wrote: »

Just to add in there I wasn't horrible to my sister all I said was I was very hurt I had to hear from someone else and I'd b so hurt if she wasn't there I'm well aware of her grieving as said I've been there with her , the ranting was just on here

That's all you said? Jesus, how crazy of us to think you're selfish!:rolleyes: Maybe for a few minutes try not thinking about just yourself.

Typer Monkey

Ok so all this hurt and anguish is because a third party told you that your sister couldn't bring herself to attend your wedding? How incredibly petty. She probably felt she needed an intermediary. Your reaction proves she was probably right. The fact that you needed anybody to point out to you that she might not be up to attending should give you pause for thought alone.

Stop being so petty and self absorbed

thefeatheredcat

Anonymous 228 wrote: »

It's not her not coming to the wedding as such I can completely understand it but has a lot to do with the fact that I had to hear from someone I barely know

Anonymous 228 wrote: »

Just to add in there I wasn't horrible to my sister all I said was I was very hurt I had to hear from someone else and I'd b so hurt if she wasn't there I'm well aware of her grieving as said I've been there with her , the ranting was just on here

Then I would have to ask, if you can offer understanding of her not going to the wedding, why have you stated previously to her friend, that you would never get over it if your sister didn't go?

Even if it is from someone you barely know, she is her friend and perhaps she has been also consoling your sister and given what might have been a difficult task in telling you that, when your sister felt unable to deal with it? In your sister's position if she has been acting out her bereavement, she might not have wanted to be in a position of saying something hurtful or mean to you, in the heat of the moment, or feeling pressured to change her mind or to having to deal with someone else's disappointment. It might hurt for you that your sister isn't going to be at your wedding, but to be quite frank, she doesn't need to hear that from you, that it hurts you that she won't be there. That's just going to make her feel guilty, make her feel worse about her situation, even cause harm and damage because it has been both expressed (directly or indirectly to her) it would hurt you and you would never get over it! There is such a thing as tact. She doesn't need to know you feel this way; if anything she needs to know that her not going is going to be accepted and that you're not going to hold it against her or resent her for not going.

If your original idea was to cancel the wedding but you family said it should go ahead, with then your sister's announcement of not going, perhaps the what you saw in your mother (unless you have discussed her reaction to your sister and what she said at the time, afterwards) was disappointment and might be that she is worried about her, that she is not going along with normal activities and life continuing on as normal and that might have been the plan she had in helping her daughter to grieve and move forward which might be failing, rather than a means to make drama?

I think you really need to take a big step back and try and see things from your sister's point of view, and of the view of others around you. Unless you have specifically discussed how your mother reacted to your sister not going or how in her view she is doing, then do not assume anything, even an emotion on your mother's behalf to the whole situation, simply because you might be reading her thoughts, her feelings quite wrong and interpreting something very different from the whole situation.

Tasden

I understand you were disappointed that your sister didn't tell you herself and that you had to hear from someone else, however maybe she just assumed that you would expect her not to go seeing as her husband had just died. I mean a family member of mine got married soon after myself and my ex broke up and everyone was a little shocked that I went to the wedding, and that was just a break up, not a bereavement, so people are generally sensitive about these things and assume that the person may not be up to going. Perhaps she didn't feel a need to tell you outright, assuming it was a given kind of thing.

I hope you and your family can surround her with love and support and be understanding, my heart is actually heavy thinking about how she must feel right now.

lukesmom

Wow. My little brother died nearly 3 years ago. I hardly left the house in the first year, consumed with grief. My cousin got married the month after my bro passed away and there wasn't a chance in hell any of our immediate family could go. I cannot imagine a newly bereaved wife wanting to witness your nuptials so soon. Have a heart. Anybody with an ounce of emotional intelligence can figure this one out

Paddy Cow

Anonymous 228 wrote: »

Ok so I'm the op back I wrote this post this morning when I was extremely teary and angry , I made the post out way worse as a cause of that, I completely agree with the post sounding so selfish and that's not me at all! There are a good few other factors that come into play that make the situation more complicated than how I portrayed ( hence the me labelling her as selfish)
It's not her not coming to the wedding as such I can completely understand it but has a lot to do with the fact that I had to hear from someone I barely know when I haven't left her side for a minute in last month ( eg have been sleeping in bed beside her every night) so I do think the ppl who labelled me a horrible sibling maybe should have given me benefit of doubt.
To those who said I should cancel that was what I originally tried to do but all of my family said no you can't do that because unfortunately life has to go on
I feel extremely guilty for going ahead with this and the reason I'm so angry is I literally saw my mom die a little as my sister really horribly said she's not going in such a way that had less to do with grieving and more to cause drama, as I said her coping has been by releasing anger ripping us to shreds as much as possible.
I do wish my first post had come across a little different but maybe after this one ppl can give me benefit of doubt ( like some had) thanks to everybody who took the time to reply I appreciate it.

Sorry op but this sounds like complete back peddling. You are now claiming that it's the fact that you heard it from a third party that got you so angry but that's not what you said in your op.

Anonymous 228 wrote: »

I found out from her friend yesterday she isn't going, friend then told her I knew which printed her to visit me to " tell me" the conversation basically went why would I even think she would go and me telling her that it hurt me so much to hear that and that I really would never get over it if she wasn't there( I actually wasn't trying to guilt it was just honesty)

I actually can't get over the fact that it never occurred to you that your sister might not be going to the wedding. Any emotionally mature, non selfish person would have said "I'll understand if you don't feel up to coming. We'll keep a place for you and you can change your mind at any time". This is something that should have been said to her so that she didn't have to stress out about finding a way to tell you herself. Your reaction of putting her on a guilt trip is unbelievable.

Really read the rest of what you wrote in your op.

Anonymous 228 wrote: »

I feel so hurt and upset I've been up most of the night crying , I really have been there for her nonstop and supported and done so much for her and I'm hurt that with a month to go she won't even consider being there to support me on a day that is one of the biggest in my life. I've been trying so hard not to be insensitive that yesterday was the first day we even spoke about me getting married!

She has basically made a bad time so much worse for my family over last month as she is running away from stuff hanging out with major scumbags and then fighting with us when she is home. So I think because of the stress already it's worse than if she came honestly and told us but I think it's just for dramatic effect.
I don't know what to do as she says she is adamant at not going but I can't help but feel it's extremely selfish of her to not be prepared to stand by her family for one day , does she really think the day would be better by her sitting home on her own knowing we are all gone and then ruining it on others because they're worried about her but can't even check her cos it's In a diff town??

Sorry for turning it into a rant at the end I'm just lost as to what to do maybe someone will have some words of wisdom !!

You sound selfish in that post because you are behaving in a selfish manner. Your second post has no mention of you apologising to your sister or trying to make this right. All you do is back track and make excuses for your post. Your sister is not the one being selfish here, she is grieving. No offense, whatever about you getting caught up in the wedding and reacting badly to your sister not coming, your mother should be old and wise enough to have foreseen that your sister wouldn't be there.

Going ahead with the wedding isn't selfish. Expecting your sister to be there and throwing a tantrum when she says she isn't coming, is incredibly selfish. Hearing it from a third party makes no difference. Stop making excuses for your behaviour. The hardest part of supporting someone who is grieving is being there for them emotionally. It's draining and thankless but it's what families do for each other. It is going to be a long time before your sister starts to feel normal again. It's only been four weeks. If she was still behaving like this in four years then I would understand your frustration.

LegacyUser

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

If your original idea was to cancel the wedding but you family said it should go ahead, with then your sister's announcement of not going, perhaps the what you saw in your mother (unless you have discussed her reaction to your sister and what she said at the time, afterwards) was disappointment and might be that she is worried about her, that she is not going along with normal activities and life continuing on as normal and that might have been the plan she had in helping her daughter to grieve and move forward which might be failing, rather than a means to make drama?

I think featheredcat is correct regarding your mother. When my father passed away my mother made herself more emotionally upset then she already was with worry for me and my sister getting our lives back to "normal" that I felt it actually made things worse. I understood where she was coming from but it actually made me very angry at her that she wasn't letting me grieve. I know it was part of her grieving process, and her sisters were on top of her to move on with her life which actually resulted in her having a breakdown 8 months after the funeral,but both my sister and I found it very hard to deal with our grief being forced to take part in activities that were emotionally draining and that we could have avoided/cancelled. Grief is a very overwhelming emotion and again OP if you haven't experienced that sort of grief it can be hard to understand and sympathize. I kept feeling like I was on a timer and I had X amount of days I was allowed be sad then I had to just get over it. I became paranoid about mentioning cancelling plans around my mum in case it upset her that I was putting my life on hold.

Your mother is correct in that life does go on and the wedding should go ahead but wrong to try and force your sister to attend. I can understand her need to see her child move on but you can't force these things. You need to accept that your sister is not going, why on earth you think she'd be able to cope with that many people so soon after her husband death astounds me. I know your trying to be there for her but all your posts makes it sound like you feel like you've put in the effort of supporting her (sharing the bed with her etc) and she should just get over it now. It's that feeling of being on a timer I felt and It's just not that simple OP.

LegacyUser

You've said that it's complicated, and back-tracked on your first post. I can't see how it is any more complicated than the fact that your wedding is utterly meaningless in the face of your sister's grief. You don't seem to have copped onto this yet, and are still trying to justify your quite frankly awful actions.

What I would say though, is that even if you have convinced yourself beyond any bounds of human decency & common sense that you've done no wrong (which seems to be how you feel), you need to put this right for your own self preservation. If you don't apologise profusely & in person, I'd put money on everyone finding out how unbelievably badly you've behaved. Your behaviour is so out of order that it will be remembered for years by anyone who hears it. You are doing yourself no favours at all OP. No-one who hears of this incident is going to think well of you for years to come.

What does your fiancé say? Tread carefully OP, if I were to get married to someone who behaved as horribly as you have, I'd be seriously reconsidering spending my life with someone who behaved so selfishly and uncaring.

moral

My two cents worth is you need to deal with each issue individually. Your wedding is approaching, you want it to be the best day of your life. The best way of ensuring this is to respect what other people are having to deal with, if this has an effect on your wedding then so be it. You have family members who have very valid reasons for not attending your wedding (as apposed to mine I did not invite them in the right way!!!)

Sorry to revert back to your op but you say you have been there for your sister continuously for the last month. Seriously she is going to be without her husband for the rest of her life, so please for your sake don't use the word continuously to her because she knows what that word means.

Your wedding is approaching, and you probably put years of planning into it, but within those years you need to accept that life has happened to other people and they have much more to be angry and grief for than a few upset plans.

LegacyUser

It is time for you to grow up and to realise that your wedding is not the only thing happening in the world. I am sure that your sister does not to be at your wedding a few weeks after her husband died but she knew how you would react if she said this to you.

She know you would kick up after all it is your WEDDING DAY and you must get what you want. Your sister does not want to have your parents/relatives/friends spend the day watching her, asking her how she is ect. She does not have to be at your wedding as her husband has died and she is finding it tough at the moment.

In your case I am sure you have already complained to your fiacé about your sister. Perhaps he is now thinking do I really want to marry her if this is how she is acting now - how will she cope if things go wrong in the future?
If you are getting this worked up over your sister not going to you wedding how would you cope if you had some real problems?

Meanwhile your mother/family members have had to see/hear how you acting in regards to this and I am sure they are not impressed either. If your friends know they are calling you bridezilla ect.

You have also told us that your sister has been running away from things, hanging out with scumbags and fighting with you all when she is at home. How dare she act like this a few weeks after losing her husband after all why is she still upset/unhappy/seeing the future she planned with her husband gone?
Did you not think she is acting this way because she does not want to remember what happened/ gets her out of the house and perhaps fighting makes her feel better?
Perhaps going out and possibly drinking is helping her to cope with what has happened.

At this stage I would ask your sister to go out for a meal with you to where ever she likes.
I would tell her I am sorry for over reacting about the fact that you don't want to come to the wedding as I should have known that it would be hard for you to be there.
I would then ask her what can you do to help her and ask her would you like to go to counselling as it may help you?

CaraMay

What do you mean when you say she has 'made a bad time so much worse' for your family? Also what do you mean by 'it's extremely selfish of her to not be prepared to stand by her family for one day'?

Are you pd off that she is getting more attention than you (ie the bride)? It looks that way.

You said you have been staying with her for the last month and that you had been up all night crying because she won't go to the wedding? Were you up all night crying while with her or in your own house?

Animord

I read this thread when it first went up and was just as shocked as everyone else, however having given it some thought I think maybe the OP should be cut some slack here. Having lost two immediate family members myself I know that EVERYONE involved can act peculiarly and out of character after such a terrible shock. We don't know how or why the OP's brother in law died and it may be that she is in a state of shock too. I know myself that there were times that I focussed on things that really in the grand scheme of things weren't that important. I remember having a total meltdown some weeks after my father died because someone broke a plate. Clearly the plate wasn't important and what was actually happening what grief and frustration and shock coming out.

The problems come when the people don't understand that the grief affects us all differently and that really you need to pay no attention to what others are saying and doing in their state of shock.

OP you really need to take a step back - if you sister doesn't come to the wedding you will be sad. If she does the likelihood is that she will cry all day, possibly get drunk and the whole thing will be messy. It is really tragic that this happened but you can't change it. Leave your sister to do what she needs to do to get over this.

encore1

do i have this right...throwing a temper tantrum and all your toys out of the cot because your sister won't go to your wedding because her husband JUST DIED?!!!!!

you sound like a spoilt, horrid little child.

your husband to be is one lucky man...!