Refusing to go to wedding - Mod Warning Post #34

Big Bag of Chips

encore1, there has already been an on thread warning about keeping replies civil.

mike_ie wrote: »

plasteritup, as per the Forum Charter, if you can't post in a civil manner, please consider not posting at all, as future comments like this may lead to an infraction or ban. I would also like to remind everybody else to keep their responses civil and constructive.

Thanks,

mike_ie

Pot shots at an OP who came looking for advice and maybe some perspective is not acceptable. There are ways of getting your point across without resorting to name calling.

Before posting in Personal Issues again, please read the Forum Charter

ManOfMystery

OP I'm not going to call you selfish or anything else as I think everyone else has covered that point by this stage.

You came on here for advice, so I'm just going to say this.

Your sister is grieving at the moment, so she can pretty well behave whatever way she likes. You cannot honestly have any expectation at all that she will take part in a day which celebrates couples/love/relationships when her lifelong relationship has just been ripped away from her so recently. It would be like pouring salt into an open wound.

You're annoyed because you found out from someone else? Tough. There could be a perfectly reasonable explanation for it anyway, perhaps she had intended to tell you but circumstances dictated that it didn't happen in time. Or perhaps your sister's head is all over the place and she's not thinking straight. Or perhaps - as I suspect after reading your opening post - she was afraid how you would react.

Your mother died a little inside because of the way your sister said she wasn't going? Tough. Your sister is going through the worst time of her life right now, and how she presents things that she says is very low down her list of priorities. She is angry at life and lashing out ........... you have to give her some allowance for this.

As for your family telling you to go ahead with the wedding, that's not their decision. The decision is down to you and your fiancé. If you think it would be best to postpone it, then postpone it. You're an adult - decide for yourself.

IMO you're getting too caught up in minor details when you need to be looking at the big picture. Usually when people we know die, many of us are reminded that life is short and we really shouldn't fret too much over the odd bad day at work, that picture frame we broke, that new iPhone we can't afford, and so on - because we're still alive, and still enjoying life, and hopefully still healthy. I think you need to get a bit of perspective on this situation. The wedding may be the biggest day of your life, but you still have the luxury of being able to pick the day you want it on. Your sister didn't have any choices with the situation she is now in.

LegacyUser

I think what most people have missed in this post is the closeness the OP has with her sister. She has been the caring sister, the shoulder to cry on, even slept in the same room as her for the past month to comfort her through her grief. Think of the demands this has placed on the OP...and from her posts she hasn't made much of this at all, simply stated it and put it down as something she will do for her sister. This all happening within 4 weeks of her own wedding, I'm sure there's still loads to be organised and yet she is there for her sister.
One of the main issues I've read in this post is that the OP had to hear it from a third party that her sister would not be attending her wedding. Having given so much time and energy to her grieving sister I believe she is a little taken aback that something as personal as her sister not attending her wedding should be shared through a third party (keeping in mind she's been sleeping with her sister at night). The reaction by the OP in the first post was not good at all, but she's explained this a little better with her second post, which did not come across much better.
Could this be a case of the OP giving so much in the few weeks since her sister's husband died and now feels that the focus should be back on her big day. To be fair, it will be her wedding, but to be humane about it she should continue to support her sister and unfortunately for the OP downplay the wedding around her as it will be months, years or maybe never before she has her sister back to who she was

Teyla Emmagan

sorry for you wrote: »

I think what most people have missed in this post is the closeness the OP has with her sister. She has been the caring sister, the shoulder to cry on, even slept in the same room as her for the past month to comfort her through her grief. Think of the demands this has placed on the OP...and from her posts she hasn't made much of this at all, simply stated it and put it down as something she will do for her sister. This all happening within 4 weeks of her own wedding, I'm sure there's still loads to be organised and yet she is there for her sister.
One of the main issues I've read in this post is that the OP had to hear it from a third party that her sister would not be attending her wedding. Having given so much time and energy to her grieving sister I believe she is a little taken aback that something as personal as her sister not attending her wedding should be shared through a third party (keeping in mind she's been sleeping with her sister at night). The reaction by the OP in the first post was not good at all, but she's explained this a little better with her second post, which did not come across much better.
Could this be a case of the OP giving so much in the few weeks since her sister's husband died and now feels that the focus should be back on her big day. To be fair, it will be her wedding, but to be humane about it she should continue to support her sister and unfortunately for the OP downplay the wedding around her as it will be months, years or maybe never before she has her sister back to who she was

Gosh, don't you sound remarkably like..... the OP??

This is the unreasonable bit: Could this be a case of the OP giving so much in the few weeks since her sister's husband died and now feels that the focus should be back on her big day.

Losing your husband is simply a much bigger deal than a wedding, anyone's wedding. It's simply how life is, and should be. No one can be expected to get over the death of their spouse in 2 months, for anyone's sake.

moral

I just wonder how, if the op gets her own way (her sister attending her wedding all smiles), what impact that will have on her sisters relationship with her inlaws.

Please op think of the position she is in. Try to put yourself in her shoes.

iwantmydinner

sorry for you wrote: »

I think what most people have missed in this post is the closeness the OP has with her sister. She has been the caring sister, the shoulder to cry on, even slept in the same room as her for the past month to comfort her through her grief. Think of the demands this has placed on the OP...and from her posts she hasn't made much of this at all, simply stated it and put it down as something she will do for her sister. This all happening within 4 weeks of her own wedding, I'm sure there's still loads to be organised and yet she is there for her sister.
One of the main issues I've read in this post is that the OP had to hear it from a third party that her sister would not be attending her wedding. Having given so much time and energy to her grieving sister I believe she is a little taken aback that something as personal as her sister not attending her wedding should be shared through a third party (keeping in mind she's been sleeping with her sister at night). The reaction by the OP in the first post was not good at all, but she's explained this a little better with her second post, which did not come across much better.
Could this be a case of the OP giving so much in the few weeks since her sister's husband died and now feels that the focus should be back on her big day. To be fair, it will be her wedding, but to be humane about it she should continue to support her sister and unfortunately for the OP downplay the wedding around her as it will be months, years or maybe never before she has her sister back to who she was

Eh, should the OP get a medal for bravely ignoring all the wedding organisation in order to support her grieving sister?!

And as for wanting the focus back on her for her "big day"... OP, perspective. That's what you need to focus on. Not ensuring that all attention is on you.

Paddy Cow

sorry for you wrote: »

I think what most people have missed in this post is the closeness the OP has with her sister. She has been the caring sister, the shoulder to cry on, even slept in the same room as her for the past month to comfort her through her grief. Think of the demands this has placed on the OP...and from her posts she hasn't made much of this at all, simply stated it and put it down as something she will do for her sister. This all happening within 4 weeks of her own wedding, I'm sure there's still loads to be organised and yet she is there for her sister.
One of the main issues I've read in this post is that the OP had to hear it from a third party that her sister would not be attending her wedding. Having given so much time and energy to her grieving sister I believe she is a little taken aback that something as personal as her sister not attending her wedding should be shared through a third party (keeping in mind she's been sleeping with her sister at night). The reaction by the OP in the first post was not good at all, but she's explained this a little better with her second post, which did not come across much better.
Could this be a case of the OP giving so much in the few weeks since her sister's husband died and now feels that the focus should be back on her big day. To be fair, it will be her wedding, but to be humane about it she should continue to support her sister and unfortunately for the OP downplay the wedding around her as it will be months, years or maybe never before she has her sister back to who she was

People on here are taken aback that the caring sister didn't have enough cop on to realise that it's far too soon for her grieving sister to be attending a wedding. She shouldn't have needed a third party to tell her. Anyone with any emotional intelligence/empathy would have expected it. Instead she threw a tantrum and tried to guilt trip her grieving sister into doing something that she wanted but wasn't in her sister's best interests.

Defend the op all you want *cough* *cough* but sleeping in bed with her sister at night is not the same as being emotionally supportive. Sounds like the op has the attitude of "well I've done x, so she should be grateful, stop with the drama and get back to making this all about me". The op hasn't said anything about making amends with her sister. She says she knows her reaction wasn't good but does she plan on apologising to her sister and reassure her that not attending the wedding isn't going to ruin the day? Hopefully the op doesn't give the same half baked excuses to her sister about being deeply hurt because she found out from a third party. It would be better for the op to suck it up, apologise and then move ahead with her wedding with a clear conscience. If she continues to make excuses (when clearly there is no excuse for her reaction) it's just making her look bad.

Oryx

A month ago you knew cancelling the wedding was an appropriate thing to do but you were persuaded not to. Forget about everything else and go back to that. How gut wrenching and disappointing it must have felt. But you were willing to do it. Now, a month later, the fallout and irrational emotions have taken a toll on everyone. Youre still trying to plan the wedding you always dreamed of, while coping with a sister who is falling apart. Everyone is stressed. So when your sister (understandably) decides she is not strong enough to participate in your day, your perfect day is suddenly less perfect. Your vision of how it should be is spoiled. But this is not your sisters fault. Your perfect wedding was irreparably changed the day your brother in law died. You need to accept that. Because of the grief you are all dealing with, your wedding expectations have to adapt to a different family dynamic.

Call to your sister on the morning of your wedding. Let her see you all dressed up, give her a hug and tell her you love her and that you understand her not being able for the event itself. A wedding is one day, your relationship with your sister is for life.

Teyla Emmagan

Paddy Cow wrote: »

It would be better for the op to suck it up, apologise and then move ahead with her wedding with a clear conscience. If she continues to make excuses (when clearly there is no excuse for her reaction) it's just making her look bad.

I agree, it's already getting embarrassing. And the size of this country, someone has probably already worked out who is involved here. Let it go OP, or the focus is going to be on you on your 'big day' for all the wrong reasons.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, one way of looking at this is whatever you do your wedding day is not going to be the happy, wonderful day you planned it will be. Your sister and her deceased husband will be on everyone's mind. Everyone. Even people from your fiancé's side who have never met your sister, will be aware of what has happened, and absolutely everyone there will be feeling bad for her.

So, you can continue with a day that will be tinged with sadness for everyone, with your sister there having to force a smile, or force gratitude at people sympathising with her all day. Or you can continue your day that will be tinged with sadness because your sister is not there due to the very recent death of her husband.

I'm not sure how you came to know this from the 3rd party. Was it a case of your sister mentioned that she was thinking of not going, or felt she wasn't up to going, and the 3rd party said it to you without thinking. Or did your sister ask her to tell you? Either way, it's irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.

Like I already said, my cousin got married over a year after her sister's husband died, and it was a very very emotional day for everyone. Not just my cousin, or her immediate family - but everyone there was thinking exactly the same thing. And a lot of the tears that were shed weren't the usual wedding, happy-occassion tears.

Edit: Would it be possible to downgrade the wedding? Instead of the big affair, just make it immediate family at a much smaller event. That way the wedding goes ahead, you still end up married to your fiancé, your sister is more likely to be there, and nobody is there "for a gawk". I think every invited guest would understand exactly why you were making that decision.

Another little bit of added perspective - a neighbour of ours got married in the sacristy of the church just before the funeral mass for her father. He died, unexpectedly, 2 days before her wedding day. Now obviously your sister's husband isn't as important in your life, as say your father would be. But.. he is immensely important in your sister's life.

Dee01

OP, I honestly thought that when you read this thread, reality would hit and you would realise the error of your ways. I didn't expect you to reply, but I gave you the benefit of the doubt. I really thought that you had become so blinkered preparing for your wedding (which can so easily happen to brides), that you couldn't grasp the severity of the situation. I was full sure once you got a bit of perspective, you would be at your sisters side to apologise and start making amends with her.

I see from your response that this is not the case. This is still all about you and ONLY you. No mention of anyone else, no fiancee, no other family, your mother just mentioned to drill a point that you are the injured party. I really wonder what ur mother really thinks. You are so blinkered that no matter her reaction, you are unable to see the real response from her. Can you really not see this from anyone else's point of view?

I am shocked at how this has turned out tbh. I don't see this being resolved any time soon. You still think your poor sister is in the wrong. OP, she is not. You are. This is going to have repercussions for years and years to come. It Will be something that Will never be fully resolved unless you see the light.

I know its ur wedding, but that is really irrelevant at this point. I don't feel it is necessary to cancel the day, but you need to accept that it is different now. I really feel for your sister.

Boombastic

Have you actually talked to your sister about this or are you relying on what a third party is telling you?


Step back and have a look at things. Your wedding day maybe the most important day in your life, but not necessarily in your sisters. She has a berevent recently and is grieving.

ABajaninCork

Instead of venting on here and embarrassing yourself OP, why don't you buy two bunches of flowers? Take one to your brother-in-law's grave. Take the other to your sister. Give her a big hug and TALK to her. Find out how she's feeling and ask if there's anything more you can do to support her. Stop with the emotional blackmail and drama.

Chattastrophe!

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Edit: Would it be possible to downgrade the wedding? Instead of the big affair, just make it immediate family at a much smaller event. That way the wedding goes ahead, you still end up married to your fiancé, your sister is more likely to be there, and nobody is there "for a gawk". I think every invited guest would understand exactly why you were making that decision.

That's exactly what I was thinking. I can understand you going ahead with your wedding despite everything, after all you can't put your whole life on hold. But if it were me, I'd probably be cancelling the reception altogether and having a very small wedding with family only - and there is no way in hell I'd be expecting my sister to attend unless she felt up to it.

I mean, you can't seriously think you can have a big fun happy celebration so soon after the bereavement? You need to accept that your wedding won't be the day you thought it would be (whether she attends or not), and you then need to get over it, because your sister's whole life is now completely different to what she thought it would be. A wedding is only one day, a marriage is for life, but in her case it's been tragically cut far too short.

I understand that you're probably grieving as well, and perhaps focusing on your wedding is your way of dealing it. But you need to get your priorities right here, your sister is the one who's just lost her husband. Right now, all that matters is supporting her.

Honestly I'd feel bad for a person even years after their partner's death, having to attend weddings and hear the vows and speeches etc. It must be really tough. Let alone someone in your own family, and so soon too. I'm very surprised you ever took it as a given that she'd attend.

Humria

There is a lot of unnecessary venom in this thread and I think it's completely unhelpful to call you names OP. We don't know you and I don't think we can judge your entire personality from this. That must be difficult to hear.

I don't think you are a selfish person. You are obviously trying to support your sister and I think it's kind that you are sleeping with her every night. This has been an emotional time and I think you may have lost perspective, something we all do at times. Sometimes we can't see the wood for the trees when we are in the middle of a stressful and emotional time.


It's very difficult to accept advice when it is phased in such a critical way and it is very easy to become defensive. Underneath all the overt criticism though, I think there is a message it would be useful to hear. Your sister is experiencing a huge loss and probably cannot cope with it very well at the moment. I don't know what she was like before but she may go "off the rails" for a bit. I imagine it must be difficult to see your sister acting out, especially if you see it upsetting your parents but see needs to find a way to work through her grief. I don't think we can understand the pain she is going through.


I think given some time you will see the bigger picture but for now I'd suggest that you have a chat with your sister and tell her you understand why she does not want to go to your wedding. I know that you are hurt that she did not tell you directly and that's OK, but it's not going to do anyone any good to hold onto that resentment. We need to make allowances for people going though such a huge loss and that means accepting behaviour we wouldn't normally accept. I think it's clear that you really love your sister and if you continue to support her (because I know you already are) then I imagine you'll feel very glad you did a bit down the line.

You are upset at the moment OP but take some time to clear your head before making any decisions.

Addle

If you're looking for a sympathetic response OP, maybe try a wedding specific forum.
You might find more like minded individuals somewhere like weddingsonline.
That you posted here and not on the likes of WOL makes me think that maybe you're not completey wedding obsessed.

December2012

In my view there is no need to cancel or downgrade the wedding or reception, the only thing I feel the OP should change us her attitude to her sister.

Go, have your big day, celebrate your love and enjoy your wedding day - it is a day of celebration after all. But understand where your sister is coming from in that she can't go. And if you can't understand it, then lie. To her, to yourself, to whomever you need to - you "lie" and say you can understand that of course she doesn't have to come if she doesn't want to.

Because one day you will realise how wrong you are about this, and when it does you will feel desperate about this.

username123

This is a very sad thread.

A person has died and his widows attendance at a party is being called into question. Just awful. Let the poor woman grieve please.

Im pretty sure you heard it from a 3rd party because your sister knew how you would react.

Go and have a great wedding day, enjoy yourself, but please, leave your sister alone. Its just so awful to think that you are even thinking badly of her for not wanting to go. Of course she doesnt want to go and watch you gain a husband after she has just lost one, are you completely heartless?

Taltos

OK after nearly 80 responses pretty much all with a few exceptions advising the same thing it is time to draw this thread to a close.

OP while you may not have heard what you wanted here I hope you have taken the single message nearly all have been trying to say in one form or another. It's rare there is such a consensus, even rarer to see so many respond with such a strong feeling.

Thread closed
Tal