12 year old and over age games by Social Worker

KwackerJack

My 12 year old step-son is seening a Councillor for anger issues. A social worker comes out every 2 weeks to see how things are going and to give advice.

My step-son gets very angry when an Xbox game goes not go his way and due to this we double check any game he wants or gets.

He has always wanted Xbox live and after some issues with that it's been removed. He always wanted COD Ghost which apart from being rated 16 was a big no no due to the graphic violence etc. (I played it)

After explaining to the social worker the issues surrounding the xbox she tells my partner and my step-son that he can buy COD Ghost!!

Maybe im on a different planet by is that right?? How can a social work allow a child with anger issues play a game depicting war

I have said this to her and she thinks that it will ' calm' him down being given this game.

The reason we are in this situation is because previous to me being with his mother he was playing the like of GTA from the age of 6 up and what he asked for he got.

So does the fact that he got what he wanted undermine myself and my partners decision and the fact that a war game is not a game for a 12 year old.

She tells us to work together and we both said no to Ghost then see goes and lets him have it??? Is she not there to strengthen the parents mutual decisions, to help us work together and learn the child that his parents are the decision maker and that the say is final.


I have a right mind to ask to speak to her superior. Would I be right to do so?

Tramps Like Us

Did she say to the child that he can have it? If so she needs to cop on. If she just said it to you and your partner that she thinks it would be ok for him to have it then I dont see a problem

KwackerJack

Tramps Like Us wrote: »

Did she say to the child that he can have it? If so she needs to cop on. If she just said it to you and your partner that she thinks it would be ok for him to have it then I dont see a problem

She asked the child, he said he wanted it. She said she would look into it. He needed to go to football training so she ran him around and a few minutes later she called us to say she told the child he could have to game as long as he behavior improved.

Needless to say his behavior over the last few days has anything but improved and my partner still brought him to get the game today

Toots

KwackerJack wrote: »

She asked the child, he said he wanted it. She said she would look into it. He needed to go to football training so she ran him around and a few minutes later she called us to say she told the child he could have to game as long as he behavior improved.

Needless to say his behavior over the last few days has anything but improved and my partner still brought him to get the game today

That's totally out of order IMO. Sounds like you've got two problems there, the social worker being way out of line and your partner being too soft on the kid.

My understanding was that the social worker and the parents would try and work as a team. If you (quite rightly) said that you didn't want your 12 year old playing violent video games, then the social worker had absolutely no right to go over your head and tell your son that it was ok to have it. If she thought it might be a good idea as a reward for him, then she should have discussed this with you and your partner first, and out of earshot of your step-son.

If I were in your shoes I'd be absolutely livid and would definitely be getting in touch with the supervisor. However, I would also have a good long chat with your partner because it seems like ye might be on slightly different pages when it comes to laying down the law with the step-son. I see you say that he has always been given what he wants, so obviously this is something that has been going on for his whole life and your partner might be finding it very difficult to change the relationship dynamic in that regard. Would it be worth maybe considering some counselling as a family, or something that both you and your partner attend together so you can both establish a parenting plan that you can agree on and support each other through?

LadyMayBelle

Just clarify a few bits for me there OP.
Both you and your step son's mum have said NO to the game. The SW takes him off for an hour as she does, and then after a chat with him, tell you and the boy's mum it's ok for him to have the game? Is that it?

If so, that SW needs to cop on; the game is no suitable for his age, full stop. Regardless of anger issues, there is a reason there is a rating on it.

The bigger issue here is the level and consistency of parenting between you, the boy's mum and the boy's father (if involved). Perhaps speak to the SW and tell her that irregardless of the promises she has made, the game is not suitable for a 12 year old. And that you would like to work on ways of parenting this boy consistently and fairly. If she doesnt take you seriously, call her senior.

SpaceTime

That's ridiculous. The game is absolutely not suitable for his age group. The software company didn't put that rating on it for a laugh!

I would most definitely contact her superiors.

Also, the social worker is supposed to be there as a support, not a 3rd parent.

silverbolt

KwackerJack wrote: »

She asked the child, he said he wanted it. She said she would look into it. He needed to go to football training so she ran him around and a few minutes later she called us to say she told the child he could have to game as long as he behavior improved.

Needless to say his behavior over the last few days has anything but improved and my partner still brought him to get the game today

So basically your social worker told you in essence to give in to a temper tantrum - teaching the child scream rant and rave and it gets what he wants.

You know your child far better than the social worker does and you know whether that kind of game is suitable for him.

Honestly i think you should complain. Theres a reason those games have age restrictions on them.

Boombastic

KwackerJack wrote: »

...she told the child he could have to game as long as he behavior improved.

Needless to say his behavior over the last few days has anything but improved and my partner still brought him to get the game today

if his behaviour didn't improve, why did your wife bring him to get it? The fact that he has been playing gta so young suggests to me your wife doesn't see the issue with these games and also is not on board with rewards and consequences.

The social worker, should have more sense than to suggest this type of game for a child and should have cleared the limits of what she offer the child as a reward for good behaviour beforehand

KwackerJack

Boombastic wrote: »

if his behaviour didn't improve, why did your wife bring him to get it? The fact that he has been playing gta so young suggests to me your wife doesn't see the issue with these games and also is not on board with rewards and consequences.

The social worker, should have more sense than to suggest this type of game for a child and should have cleared the limits of what she offer the child as a reward for good behaviour beforehand

My thoughts exactly but I sem to be fighting a losing battle to a stage whewre I have organised to move out!

Not an easy or overnight decision but I keep being blamed for over discipline ect, if I punish him even the social worker seems to back him up!!

He was asked to clean his room a few weeks back and after been told several times his response was ' this is a ****ing joke' so i removed his Xbox and phone only to be told by my partner and the social worker to give them back as this would not help him??? So what will I wonder??

This may sound harsh but I would remove every luxury, Xbox, TV, phone tablet, BB gun etc, this idea of not punishing him is ridiculous, talking nice is not bloody working and for a social worker not to see it is just typical of this country.

I will meet with my solicitor to see what I can do to keep my own son safe while I am not living there. I will of course see him regularly as I am only moving a 10 minutes away but a of now my relationship with my partner is now over and I will no longer be having any contact with her 2 sons.

I was reported to the Gardai a few weeks for assault after I had to take a kitchen knife knife off him and took him out of the kitchen, away from the younger kids.

When I asked what I should of done she could not reply with a straight forward answer and I mentioned that if/when it happens again and I do not intervene will she take responsibility for the outcome and her response was no!!

So do I let a 12 year old take charge with a knife, well according to the SW i do or else i get a bloody criminal record for protecting myself and my family!!

KwackerJack

Boombastic wrote: »

if his behaviour didn't improve, why did your wife bring him to get it? The fact that he has been playing gta so young suggests to me your wife doesn't see the issue with these games and also is not on board with rewards and consequences.

The social worker, should have more sense than to suggest this type of game for a child and should have cleared the limits of what she offer the child as a reward for good behaviour beforehand

There is the Million dollar question WHY. Id love to know why too. This is the biggest issue with him, he clicks and he gets no matter what way he acts and im left to look like the big dab wolf when I say no!

Its only a game, Sure buy him a Porno its only natural after all :rolleyes:

Cantremember

KwackerJack wrote: »

There is the Million dollar question WHY. Id love to know why too. This is the biggest issue with him, he clicks and he gets no matter what way he acts and im left to look like the big dab wolf when I say no!

Its only a game, Sure buy him a Porno its only natural after all :rolleyes:

Actually its only a €1 question. You answer it in the next sentence. You can see the problem and imho and experience it is already too late to change it. You have actually seen the problem. It's down to you if you want to face the answer. Good luck.

silverbolt

KwackerJack wrote: »

My thoughts exactly but I sem to be fighting a losing battle to a stage whewre I have organised to move out!

Not an easy or overnight decision but I keep being blamed for over discipline ect, if I punish him even the social worker seems to back him up!!

He was asked to clean his room a few weeks back and after been told several times his response was ' this is a ****ing joke' so i removed his Xbox and phone only to be told by my partner and the social worker to give them back as this would not help him??? So what will I wonder??

This may sound harsh but I would remove every luxury, Xbox, TV, phone tablet, BB gun etc, this idea of not punishing him is ridiculous, talking nice is not bloody working and for a social worker not to see it is just typical of this country.

I will meet with my solicitor to see what I can do to keep my own son safe while I am not living there. I will of course see him regularly as I am only moving a 10 minutes away but a of now my relationship with my partner is now over and I will no longer be having any contact with her 2 sons.

I was reported to the Gardai a few weeks for assault after I had to take a kitchen knife knife off him and took him out of the kitchen, away from the younger kids.

When I asked what I should of done she could not reply with a straight forward answer and I mentioned that if/when it happens again and I do not intervene will she take responsibility for the outcome and her response was no!!

So do I let a 12 year old take charge with a knife, well according to the SW i do or else i get a bloody criminal record for protecting myself and my family!!

wait what?

This 12 year likes to grab knives and has severe anger issues and he has a bb gun? Spring action? Gas powered? Or is it a cheap one from a discount store somewhere. Any way you look at it thats not a good mix - like giving a pyromaniac a box of matches and a can of petrol.

To me this sounds like your wife is refusing to remove the blinkers and realise that "mummys little darling" has serious issues. And if all you end up is being the villain for trying to keep order and safety then your well off out of it. This social worker seems to be doing far more harm than good.

Two questions
Who reported you to the guardai? Im just curious.
Can you remove your child from the mix completely? You have rights as the biological father. And possibly the other child as well?

SpaceTime

Can you find the social worker's superior's contact details and have a chat with them?

From what you're saying, the situation sounds a bit ridiculous to put it mildly.

KwackerJack

silverbolt wrote: »

wait what?

This 12 year likes to grab knives and has severe anger issues and he has a bb gun? Spring action? Gas powered? Or is it a cheap one from a discount store somewhere. Any way you look at it thats not a good mix - like giving a pyromaniac a box of matches and a can of petrol.

To me this sounds like your wife is refusing to remove the blinkers and realise that "mummys little darling" has serious issues. And if all you end up is being the villain for trying to keep order and safety then your well off out of it. This social worker seems to be doing far more harm than good.

Two questions
Who reported you to the guardai? Im just curious.
Can you remove your child from the mix completely? You have rights as the biological father. And possibly the other child as well?

Electric airlift rifle to be precise to which I said no to only arrive home and see him firing it out the back garden. I can't take off him.because it was bought with 'his own birthday money'

we originally organised a child councillor for him and they sent a file to the Sw and they reported me to the Gardai who even looked at me funny as I have my statement but obviously need to follow up.

I may be the biological father but I have 0 rights and power.

Even her youngest is starting to throw serious tantrums over silly things.

Even last nite he's was f***kin thus and that and all my ex partner and her mother said was.....ssshhh (I'm) in the next room he'll hear you!!

So my only option is to leave and fight for my son

silverbolt

KwackerJack wrote: »

Electric airlift rifle to be precise to which I said no to only arrive home and see him firing it out the back garden. I can't take off him.because it was bought with 'his own birthday money'

we originally organised a child councillor for him and they sent a file to the Sw and they reported me to the Gardai who even looked at me funny as I have my statement but obviously need to follow up.

I may be the biological father but I have 0 rights and power.

Even her youngest is starting to throw serious tantrums over silly things.

Even last nite he's was f***kin thus and that and all my ex partner and her mother said was.....ssshhh (I'm) in the next room he'll hear you!!

So my only option is to leave and fight for my son

your partner seems to see no issue with this, and whilst the odd cuss word is fair enough (we all do it, i sometimes let a word slip in front of the kids and promptly get reminded "the bad language has to stop") constant streams of language is not on.

Your wife is ignoring one of the most vital roles in parenting, providing a united front, where you back each other up even if you privately dont agree. She is showing a clear lack of respect that will only make the situation worse.

If all they do is undermine you then you are better off out of it.

In regards to your child - you do have rights as a father. Does the eldest ever physically abuse the younger children? Does he leave marks. What im driving at is some kind of evidence trail that cant be refuted by your wife or the social worker (is she one of these holistic doesnt believe in any form of punishment new age nutters by any chance) that this eldest boy provides a threat beyond the usual tussling of children.

KwackerJack

silverbolt wrote: »

your partner seems to see no issue with this, and whilst the odd cuss word is fair enough (we all do it, i sometimes let a word slip in front of the kids and promptly get reminded "the bad language has to stop") constant streams of language is not on.

Your wife is ignoring one of the most vital roles in parenting, providing a united front, where you back each other up even if you privately dont agree. She is showing a clear lack of respect that will only make the situation worse.

If all they do is undermine you then you are better off out of it.

In regards to your child - you do have rights as a father. Does the eldest ever physically abuse the younger children? Does he leave marks. What im driving at is some kind of evidence trail that cant be refuted by your wife or the social worker (is she one of these holistic doesnt believe in any form of punishment new age nutters by any chance) that this eldest boy provides a threat beyond the usual tussling of children.

I have said to my partner to back me up even if she doesn't agree and to say it to me alone but she doesn't to this.

The SW is certainly new age and they is not the best method either.

He has not hurt my son but he gets very rough and will inflict pain on the middle child if things don't go his way. I've often heard him slap the middle child from down stairs and his excuse is that it was a mistake yet this happens regularly over games not going his way!

I think he knows not to hit my son as that would certainly push me to have him and his mother reported and legal action takin immediately.

Moonbeam

Were you married to her? the oldest is your stepson but the youngest is your son?

KwackerJack

Moonbeam wrote: »

Were you married to her? the oldest is your stepson but the youngest is your son?

Not married. Eldest is my step son and youngest is my son. There is a middle child which us hers also.

silverbolt

KwackerJack wrote: »

Not married. Eldest is my step son and youngest is my son. There is a middle child which us hers also.

Ok im going to be cold here. I dont mean to be offensive so i apologise if i come across this way

You are not married (im going to assume your step father in name only without any official adoption) and your only tie to this woman (unless your in a mortgage with her) is your own child.

You can walk away at any time. And take your son with you. She clearly has no respect for you and neither does this child. Flogging a dead horse only makes your arm tired. to be blunt, they are not your problem and will only continue to be for as long as you allow it.
This social worker is only making things worse and between it all is making your life hell. Have you any evidence in regards to the danger this child could potentially have?

I think you should get out especially if youve exhausted all other options. Hes entering puberty, hes only going to get worse.

KwackerJack

silverbolt wrote: »

Ok im going to be cold here. I dont mean to be offensive so i apologise if i come across this way

You are not married (im going to assume your step father in name only without any official adoption) and your only tie to this woman (unless your in a mortgage with her) is your own child.

You can walk away at any time. And take your son with you. She clearly has no respect for you and neither does this child. Flogging a dead horse only makes your arm tired. to be blunt, they are not your problem and will only continue to be for as long as you allow it.
This social worker is only making things worse and between it all is making your life hell. Have you any evidence in regards to the danger this child could potentially have?

I think you should get out especially if youve exhausted all other options. Hes entering puberty, hes only going to get worse.

I take my own son and I would be charged with kidnapping/abduction and god knows what else. All I can do is talk to my solicitor and see what I can do legally.

He can get physical with her and the middle child and for no reason what so ever just lose his cool. Then there's the Knife issue which the SW didn't seem bothered by and the fact is playing war games and owns a electric BB gun which i think at his age is illegal is it not?

The SW just says 'ah hes a child and all this punishment is doing no good etc etc........


I've email the HSE but got no response?? How do I actually get the Social Workers directly?

Toots

You could try calling in to your Local Health Office http://www.hse.ie/eng/services/list/1/LHO/ I'm not sure if your social worker would be based out of there but I'd imagine they'd be able to point you in the right direction.

SpaceTime

You could mention the electric BB gun to your local Garda station.

I'm not entirely sure what the situation is with licencing those but, as a member of the public I would rather not be injured by one of them in the hands of a kid.

Could you perhaps ring your local Garda station and see what they suggest?

Gatling

The airsoft AEG / bb gun doesn't require a licence to own ,
The law say 16 to buy one but a parent can buy one and give it to a younger child ,

There are strict laws about brandishing a RIF ( realistic imitation firearm ) in a public place ,

Op you could easily take the battery and hide it ,or if you want I can tell you how disabled it altogether ,

Gatling

Space time as much as I understand your shock at the incident ,

Its hardly the thread for it ,

And there a lot of things 12 year olds shouldn't have access but they do

January

KwackerJack wrote: »

I take my own son and I would be charged with kidnapping/abduction and god knows what else. All I can do is talk to my solicitor and see what I can do legally.

He can get physical with her and the middle child and for no reason what so ever just lose his cool. Then there's the Knife issue which the SW didn't seem bothered by and the fact is playing war games and owns a electric BB gun which i think at his age is illegal is it not?

The SW just says 'ah hes a child and all this punishment is doing no good etc etc........


I've email the HSE but got no response?? How do I actually get the Social Workers directly?

Your first step would be to organise guardianship of your son. Then you could apply for full custody afterwards. Start documenting everything in a diary now, every incident, date, time it happened and description of what happened. I'd also describe what reaction the SW had to the incident also. This will become your evidence for getting full custody of your son.

SpaceTime

Gatling wrote: »

Space time as much as I understand your shock at the incident ,

Its hardly the thread for it ,

And there a lot of things 12 year olds shouldn't have access but they do

I'm just using it to illustrate how ridiculous it is to give a minor what is a potentially dangerous weapon.

I'll just delete the post.

Gatling

Could the op seek a safety order against the 12 year on his and his baby's behalf??

January

Gatling wrote: »

Could the op seek a safety order against the 12 year on his and his baby's behalf??

That would be something to discuss with his solicitor. Legal advice cannot be given here and we're already skirting pretty close to it.

KwackerJack

I am not looking for Legal advice just for the record.

I'm just looking to see if I'm the mad one or am I actually still sane!!

I am seeking legal advice at present so I am just waiting to see I can do legally.

I did mention to the SW that I was moving out to allow myself to relax and be in an environment where I was not constantly on guard/angry/depressed ect . I was told that his anger is partially my fault and my partners and it has very little to do with the child, So I told the SW I am moving out as this would then remove 1 'problem' and technically the child should then be more calm as it will just be him and his mother.

She told me that was a ridiculous statement and that I would ruin the child's life!!! But if it is partially my fault then surely removing myself must have a positive effect on the child....No??

silverbolt

KwackerJack wrote: »

I am not looking for Legal advice just for the record.

I'm just looking to see if I'm the mad one or am I actually still sane!!

I am seeking legal advice at present so I am just waiting to see I can do legally.

I did mention to the SW that I was moving out to allow myself to relax and be in an environment where I was not constantly on guard/angry/depressed ect . I was told that his anger is partially my fault and my partners and it has very little to do with the child, So I told the SW I am moving out as this would then remove 1 'problem' and technically the child should then be more calm as it will just be him and his mother.

She told me that was a ridiculous statement and that I would ruin the child's life!!! But if it is partially my fault then surely removing myself must have a positive effect on the child....No??

I erm what? This SW sounds like a right one. And who is she to say what is ridiculous, what loony training centre spat her out?

bobmalooka

KwackerJack wrote: »

I am not looking for Legal advice just for the record.

I'm just looking to see if I'm the mad one or am I actually still sane!!

I am seeking legal advice at present so I am just waiting to see I can do legally.

I did mention to the SW that I was moving out to allow myself to relax and be in an environment where I was not constantly on guard/angry/depressed ect . I was told that his anger is partially my fault and my partners and it has very little to do with the child, So I told the SW I am moving out as this would then remove 1 'problem' and technically the child should then be more calm as it will just be him and his mother.

She told me that was a ridiculous statement and that I would ruin the child's life!!! But if it is partially my fault then surely removing myself must have a positive effect on the child....No??

She's completely right, a parent/guardian moving out in essentially a hissy fit will have a devastating effect on all 3 children.

I'm sure you already know the answer to your question is no, a child with 'issues' needs stability and for the parents to tailor their parenting to this child's needs. I'd be amazed if this hasn't been explained to you but it's clear you've decided it's your way or the highway.

Unfortunately neither will work