Toddler slapping and pinching

emer_b

My 17month old has been doing this for the last 4months. She has such a temper when anything doesn't go her way. Everything I have read has said that this is a phase which will pass but it feels like we're getting nowhere!
When we're at home and she slaps us (no other children here) we put her straight into the playpen with no toys for 2 minutes and tell her why she's bring punished. I don't know if she is making the connection as to why she's being punished.
If we're not at home I get really cross with her, tell her no and put her down on the floor if I've been carrying her.
The biggest problem is slapping other children. If we're on a play date I have to watch her every second and keep apologising to the other children. It's so stressful I'm just avoiding playdates. Some parents are more understanding than others (if they've been through it before!).
The crèche just give her a stern "ah ah" when she slaps. I think most of the other children have learned to keep their distance by now. They don't see it as a big problem but it's really bothering me. Almost every happy moment we have together gets ruined by her physically hurting us.
I feel my husband and I have the right approach but she's worse than ever this week.
I sometimes get quite upset at how angry I am at her.

liamo

We had a very similar problem that went on for months and months - but with biting. Not often at home (but not entirely absent) but lots of times in creche. At one point they asked us to take her home for the remainder of the day. We were really worried that they would ask us to remove her for good.

We did loads of reading on the subject which really helped to understand the behaviour. The creche turned out to be very supportive as well which made all the difference.

I'd be of the opinion that the hitting has the same underlying cause as our biting, which is frustration and an inability to express herself verbally when things don't go her way. It used to happen when another child came too close (she may have thought that the child was trying to take her toy) or during an altercation with another child.

I came to understand that, even though she knew that biting was not nice, she was unable to control the impulse at the time. She knew that she had done wrong but simply couldn't help herself at that point in time.

Keep delivering the message that "you don't bite/hit/slap others". Keep a close eye on her for situations that might trigger the behaviour so that you can help her to avoid situations where she might be unable to control her impulse.

You could also try to help her express herself by telling her that you understand that she is feeling angry/upset/other because some situation happened. Help her to put a word (angry, upset, sad, other) on her feelings. She is too small to understand entirely what she is feeling and why and then can't control herself.

Do continue to express your disapproval when she transgresses. We didn't use punishment as such but rather a withdrawal of attention and approval. We would very firmly let her know, if she bit at home, that biting is not acceptable and then we would put her down and walk away and not pick her up (for a few minutes) if she became upset. She didn't always get upset and sometimes didn't even seem to mind which was a little frustrating in itself.

It took months and months for this behaviour to clear up but we kept delivering the message and reinforcing it with disapproval and we also rewarded good behaviour.

If she went for a day in creche with no incidents we would always make a fuss of her and let her know how proud we were of her. If we learned that an incident occurred we would let her know that we were "sad". It was very clear that she remembered that it had happened and she (usually) exhibited shame/regret.

Eventually, the incidents became less frequent and stopped altogether.

I remember the frustration at not being able to make things right and the guilt and embarrassment that our child was hurting other children. I (with guilt) even remember feeling relieved on a few occasions when she was the victim of a bite, thinking that knowing what it feels like might help change her behaviour.

Other parents who may not have been through this with their kids might not empathise and can be less than understanding when an incident occurs. Conversely, those that have been there know exactly what you're going through and won't give you a hard time over it.

This behaviour will clear up. Hang in there and keep up the good work.

emer_b

Liamo thank you so much for your long reply, much appreciated.
It all makes sense and is reassuring to hear.
I was hoping this phase would just last a few weeks rather than months but I guess we just have to persevere!
Thanks again

How Strange

I agree 100% with liamo. Our son went through a slapping phase and we later realised it was out of frustration as he was preverbal.