Mother of the bride not supportive!

clumsyklutz

Hi all, yet another WM&CP post for me, but this one is particularly getting to me.

When we got engaged my mum was delighted and told pretty much everyone she knew as soon as she knew! I don't actually think she belived that an engagement could actually turn into marriage funnily enough!

After two years of not really doing much about it, we decided this year would be the year to plan it, and looked both in Ireland and abroad, and found for what we wanted, Malta was the place to go. His family were delighted, asking all about it, my family however, especially my mother were none too impressed.

I was told by my mother that I was very inconsiderate for not consulting her and my dad about the wedding and that I was being very selfish as I knew certain relatives wouldn't have the money to go. I explained that I would have a small get together here after we get back for everyone that couldn't make it (in a pub or hall somewhere cheap), but that still didn't satisfy her. It upset me at first, so much that she made me cry on the phone. But since then I've tried not to let it bother me and have told her every time I booked something (cake, flowers etc) but have been met with the same response every time 'oh that's great' and then changes subject, which gets to me a little.

The worst though, was the fact that my younger brother told me, that because he'll be 18 when the wedding happens, my mum has told him that he'll have to pay for himself to fly over and his accommodation, which he won't have because he's been told to pay half his college fees too. It's not that they're broke, my dad has a good well paid job and my mum works too.

Sorry for the long post! Anybody else have a similar experience?

Milly33

Oh sounds like a horrible situation to be in..

I can kinda of see from both sides.

Had ye booked Malta before saying anything to your mum? If ye did and then just told her I would kinda say I can see why she might be hurt. As you are her daughter and she probably wanted to be involved in it all and was hoping to show you off to all the family and relatives. Also do your parents like the heat and travelling?

I know the day is about ye and ye do want ye like to do, but I suppose for parents you have to be reasonable to some extent. Now Im not saying if they were being complete muppets to let them off, I would be the first to stomp that out but you must think that they have probably been waiting for this day as long as you have..

There are both wrong and rights me thinks.. Perhaps if you sat down and talked to her and told her how you are feeling and say that you are sorry (if you like) that you did not realise how badly she would take it but that you don't want it to ruin the whole thing for you. She might come around say that look Malta is what ye would like to do and then when ye are back as you say ye will have a get together with everyone. You can always have a small ceremony or something when ye get back to get the whole wedding feeling going again..

Talking to her is the best thing, even if she is being childish about your brother (then you might not know perhaps your brother has taken the piss with them paying for things before and they are saying stand on your own too feet) do not let it continue as it will ruin it for you and them

Jerrica

I'm really sorry that you're finding things difficult with your Mum - she is one person that many brides really need to have on side when you're going through the stress of planning a wedding (and I've seen - and experienced - the relationship breakdown from the pressure that can come part and parcel of organising such a big event!).

BUT... You need to accept that you and your husband (to be) have decided to fly abroad for your wedding and there are compromises that inevitably come with that. Yes, it's your day and you and your partner are entitled to do whatever you want to, but you can't expect everyone else to be delighted with that. I'm of the mind that if you want their support, you have to compromise with the parents on both sides. If they take issue with something you're planning either you sit down and try and work out a middle ground and get their support, or you plough ahead and take the consequences. Neither of you is right or wrong here, but it sounds like you both have firm ideas of what you want for the day and they're not compatible. Ultimately, yes, it's your day, but it's understandable that she feels that she has an important role to play too. If someone HAD to bend, it would be her, but whether or not that'll happen is a different story.

I had to pick my battles in the run up to the wedding, and I didn't always choose wisely :pac: If you know in your heart of hearts that this is the wedding you want then you go for it, your Mum will come around. Is there any way of helping your brother with some of the costs to help him fly over? I have to be honest on this one and say that it's a fairly big ask to expect your parents to pay for your siblings' costs of travelling over.

clumsyklutz

Milly33 wrote: »

Oh sounds like a horrible situation to be in..

I can kinda of see from both sides.

Had ye booked Malta before saying anything to your mum? If ye did and then just told her I would kinda say I can see why she might be hurt. As you are her daughter and she probably wanted to be involved in it all and was hoping to show you off to all the family and relatives. Also do your parents like the heat and travelling?

I know the day is about ye and ye do want ye like to do, but I suppose for parents you have to be reasonable to some extent. Now Im not saying if they were being complete muppets to let them off, I would be the first to stomp that out but you must think that they have probably been waiting for this day as long as you have..

There are both wrong and rights me thinks.. Perhaps if you sat down and talked to her and told her how you are feeling and say that you are sorry (if you like) that you did not realise how badly she would take it but that you don't want it to ruin the whole thing for you. She might come around say that look Malta is what ye would like to do and then when ye are back as you say ye will have a get together with everyone. You can always have a small ceremony or something when ye get back to get the whole wedding feeling going again..

Talking to her is the best thing, even if she is being childish about your brother (then you might not know perhaps your brother has taken the piss with them paying for things before and they are saying stand on your own too feet) do not let it continue as it will ruin it for you and them

Yes, I booked Malta as they knew we were looking at venues both in Ireland and abroad. I don't think she expected anything to come of it tbh.

There was no wanting to show me off to anyone, believe me. It is just her, as I'm not doing it her way and consulting her on every detail. She feels her and my dad should have been involved in the choosing of the location, even though they had categorically stated earlier that they wouldn't be paying for anything, which I was fine with. My biggest issue was, they don't consult with me with every big financial decision they make, so why should I, in turn do the same?

I tried calmly explaining my reasons with her for having the wedding abroad, i.e. the saving of at least 10-15k which we really don't have in the first place and would have taken us at least 3-4 years to save up. Also, I didn't want any big wedding. I had already said that I would have a get together for everyone over here after we came back, but that still wasn't good enough. She said well why don't you get married over here in the registry office and have a do in the local gaa as I was putting people through unecessary expense. I'm not forcing anyone to go and can completely understand when people tell me they can't make it. I really don't think there is any reasoning with her.

They do also travel quite a bit, my dad especially.

clumsyklutz

Jerrica wrote: »

I'm really sorry that you're finding things difficult with your Mum - she is one person that many brides really need to have on side when you're going through the stress of planning a wedding (and I've seen - and experienced - the relationship breakdown from the pressure that can come part and parcel of organising such a big event!).

BUT... You need to accept that you and your husband (to be) have decided to fly abroad for your wedding and there are compromises that inevitably come with that. Yes, it's your day and you and your partner are entitled to do whatever you want to, but you can't expect everyone else to be delighted with that. I'm of the mind that if you want their support, you have to compromise with the parents on both sides. If they take issue with something you're planning either you sit down and try and work out a middle ground and get their support, or you plough ahead and take the consequences. Neither of you is right or wrong here, but it sounds like you both have firm ideas of what you want for the day and they're not compatible. Ultimately, yes, it's your day, but it's understandable that she feels that she has an important role to play too. If someone HAD to bend, it would be her, but whether or not that'll happen is a different story.

I had to pick my battles in the run up to the wedding, and I didn't always choose wisely :pac: If you know in your heart of hearts that this is the wedding you want then you go for it, your Mum will come around. Is there any way of helping your brother with some of the costs to help him fly over? I have to be honest on this one and say that it's a fairly big ask to expect your parents to pay for your siblings' costs of travelling over.

I knew some people weren't going to be happy, but sure you get that with any wedding you plan :P. To be honest she was the one person I wanted onside, and I thought they would have been supportive of my decision as I wasn't spending ridiculous amounts of money!

There really is no way of me helping my brother (if I would I could, and my parents know this), we are both in low paying jobs and looking for better ones, pay rent and all the usuals that come with it. We don't go out all that often - in fact I can't even remember the last time I had a night out! It's not really asking much at all, as they are bringing the youngest brother who will be 16, but not the other who happens to be 18 when the wedding happens and will still be living at home (having to try get a job to pay half college fees, paying his way at home and getting to and from college). And if they were going on any other holiday they would have paid for him to go anyway.

Typer Monkey

I think when you make the decision to marry abroad you also have to accept that some of your guests that you would love to share your day will choose not to travel. Some of them just won't be able to afford it, some might decide they're just not happy going to that expense or resent having their yearly holiday dictated to them.

It may be what you as the couple want to do but some people, like your mother, will be put out. Now it doesn't sound like your mother is handling it very well if she's being sulky and dismissive instead of discussing her feelings with you. Maybe you should take her aside and thrash it all out.

She may feel embarrassed by what she sees as the imposition of travel and expence on her family. My family and extended family all live in Dublin and when my brother got married in the midlands, my father paid for the hotel accommodation for his siblings and nieces/nephews. Now I think that was excessive but when my brother tried to talk him out of it he said 'I'm asking them all to travel so I'm paying for their rooms'. Your parents might feel similarly?

As the poster above mentioned, did you discuss this with them or just announce it? They may be feeling a little resentful that you expect them to go to the expence of their travel and also to fund your brother's?

Anyway, this is all supposition. You really should talk to your mother and see how this can be resolved. I know I'm really enjoying having my mother involved in my wedding planning. I'm her only daughter and I think she's more excited about it than I am! It'd be a shame for you to miss out on that experience

eviltwin

Could there be money issues that she doesn't want to tell you about? I think her reaction re your brother is very extreme for someone who is just peeved about the location, could it be that she can't pay rather than won't pay?

I understand how hard it is, myself and my husband married here in Ireland but his family are overseas and had to travel. There were a few people who couldn't make it which we accepted and understood given the circumstances.

When is the wedding?

jlm29

I've had a very similar experience.. I'm engaged over a year now. Started looking at planning a wedding last year, and got absolutely no support, because it was realised very quickly that my ideal wedding and my mams are very different. Once I said I had no intention of having a big wedding, any enthusiasm evaporated. I left it go for a while then, because I'm quite close to my mam (and quite dependant, at the moment- long story!!), and I didn't want us to have a falling out.
I don't think she's mentioned it in about 9 months now. It makes me very sad, and I'm actually dreading planning my wedding, but I have to stick to my guns!! My circumstances have changed a good bit, so I'm about ready to start planning now!
I have no helpful advice to give, other than - your mam had her chance when she got married. You need to live your life now! Easier said than done, I know!

username123

jlm29 wrote: »

I have no helpful advice to give, other than - your mam had her chance when she got married. You need to live your life now! Easier said than done, I know!

^^ This.

I got married abroad with NO ONE. We actually eloped off secretly and didnt tell anyone at all under after the wedding. This was in part due to the interfering and refusal to accept what we wanted to do by my mother in law. So after a lot of stress and mouthiness, we just smiled and went on "holidays" a few months before we were supposed to be getting married in Ireland and phoned home with the news afterwards. Theyre all over it now

Seriously, stop trying to pander to other people. Just do what you want to do and if people can come they will and if not they wont and you will see them in your celebration in Ireland. And most of all - stop telling your mother every single detail expecting approval and being disappointed - you are bringing the disappointment on yourself, so just make your plans and leave her off being involved as she has made it clear she doesnt want to be.

clumsyklutz

Typer Monkey wrote: »

I think when you make the decision to marry abroad you also have to accept that some of your guests that you would love to share your day will choose not to travel. Some of them just won't be able to afford it, some might decide they're just not happy going to that expense or resent having their yearly holiday dictated to them.

It may be what you as the couple want to do but some people, like your mother, will be put out. Now it doesn't sound like your mother is handling it very well if she's being sulky and dismissive instead of discussing her feelings with you. Maybe you should take her aside and thrash it all out.

She may feel embarrassed by what she sees as the imposition of travel and expence on her family. My family and extended family all live in Dublin and when my brother got married in the midlands, my father paid for the hotel accommodation for his siblings and nieces/nephews. Now I think that was excessive but when my brother tried to talk him out of it he said 'I'm asking them all to travel so I'm paying for their rooms'. Your parents might feel similarly?

As the poster above mentioned, did you discuss this with them or just announce it? They may be feeling a little resentful that you expect them to go to the expence of their travel and also to fund your brother's?

Anyway, this is all supposition. You really should talk to your mother and see how this can be resolved. I know I'm really enjoying having my mother involved in my wedding planning. I'm her only daughter and I think she's more excited about it than I am! It'd be a shame for you to miss out on that experience

I have told her and my family many many times, that if someone cannot come to the wedding, it is perfectly fine. I understand they may not have the money - but they must also be equally understanding as to why we have chosen abroad, money wise for us, it makes sense.

I mentioned that we were looking at wedding venues both here and abroad, she didn't say anything then, and that would've been her golden opportunity. My parents, as I have said, have made it quite clear that I would be paying for my own wedding, and I was ok with that, because I thought, that would give me some sort of free reign as to how I wanted my day!

Also as stated I have tried talking to her, being reasonable about the whole thing, even saying that I will plan a small get together for anyone that couldn't make the wedding over here, so there would be no pressure for anyone to attend.

I am an only daughter also, and I always wanted to have my mum involved, but I know I'm not going to get that. His mum has been very supportive of the whole thing, and is always asking questions, how she can help etc, she's even doing my hair and bridesmaids hair for the wedding! I feel as though she has stepped in, in lieu of my own mum, his family are the only ones actually getting me exited for the whole thing!

clumsyklutz

eviltwin wrote: »

Could there be money issues that she doesn't want to tell you about? I think her reaction re your brother is very extreme for someone who is just peeved about the location, could it be that she can't pay rather than won't pay?

I understand how hard it is, myself and my husband married here in Ireland but his family are overseas and had to travel. There were a few people who couldn't make it which we accepted and understood given the circumstances.

When is the wedding?

I really don't believe so, my dad is in quite a good job and would earn a very good wage, and my mum also has a part time job minding children (more as a favour to a friend than anything else). She would have told me by now.

I also understand those who can't go. It is a lot to ask from some people, which is where my suggestion of a gathering when we got back came from, to try and appease her and other guests.

The wedding is not until late June 2015 and I sent around save the dates mid January.

clumsyklutz

jlm29 wrote: »

I've had a very similar experience.. I'm engaged over a year now. Started looking at planning a wedding last year, and got absolutely no support, because it was realised very quickly that my ideal wedding and my mams are very different. Once I said I had no intention of having a big wedding, any enthusiasm evaporated. I left it go for a while then, because I'm quite close to my mam (and quite dependant, at the moment- long story!!), and I didn't want us to have a falling out.
I don't think she's mentioned it in about 9 months now. It makes me very sad, and I'm actually dreading planning my wedding, but I have to stick to my guns!! My circumstances have changed a good bit, so I'm about ready to start planning now!
I have no helpful advice to give, other than - your mam had her chance when she got married. You need to live your life now! Easier said than done, I know!

I am very sorry to hear. It's really a horrible situation to be in! I try not to bring it up in conversation with her now and it's horrible, not being able to talk to your own mum about your wedding day! Like that my mum had decided I was getting married at the Waterside in Donabate and that x,y, and z were going.

All I can say is, feed off the positive energy that everyone else gives you, I have been so lucky with his mum and family as if it wasn't for them, I think I would have caved a long time ago. It really is all about sticking to your guns.

P.S. I'm always exited to hear wedding plans :P

Tzardine

Your wedding, your decision.

I am getting married next year abroad. A few people made some noise when they found out that it was not in Ireland.

IMO it gets rid of the people who are only tagging along for a free dinner and dont care about you really.

Anybody that treuly cares will either make the effort to go abroad and if they cant for a genuine reason / money etc then they will understand and be happy to come to a small gathering when you get home.

Obviously your parents care, have a chat with them and say the decision has been made and you would love if they were involved in it in whatever part you choose.

clumsyklutz

username123 wrote: »

^^ This.
And most of all - stop telling your mother every single detail expecting approval and being disappointed - you are bringing the disappointment on yourself, so just make your plans and leave her off being involved as she has made it clear she doesnt want to be.

Thanks for the advice, I've been discovering that over the last few times I've talked to her, just don't mention anything, even though it is really hard.

username123

clumsyklutz wrote: »

Thanks for the advice, I've been discovering that over the last few times I've talked to her, just don't mention anything, even though it is really hard.

I should have qualified that by saying that it is not easy when someone you hoped would be happy and excited for you has let you down like this, but ultimately you have to look after yourself here. For whatever reason your mother has decided to let you down - thats her choice. You cant control her behaviour but you can control your own. At some point she may ask why you dont talk about it and you can tell her that when you did she was dismissive so you stopped.

Scrag

I am a firm believer in " he who pays the piper calls the tune" It doesn't matter what you do someone will take the huff. having said that my daughter got married in Stellenbosch in the Cape and we collected the bill

sopretty

Your mother sounds very tight with money!

I would do as other posters have suggested and just accept the fact that she's not going to be happy about this.

Surround yourself with the people who are really excited and supportive. Your mother in law to be sounds like a complete gem!

jlm29

See- the thing that causes so much difficulty for me, is that in our situation, it's not about money. Admittedly, I don't have a lot of it at the moment, but if we wanted a big wedding, we'd save up and have it! It's a personality thing- I'd hate to have the whole world looking on while we got married, I'd rather have just our families. My oh is the same- in fact, he'd be happy to have no one, but we'll meet half way on that!! My mam is inclined to think I'm bowing to do things his way, while in actual fact, all that's wrong is I won't bow to do things her way!!

Anyhow, we'll get there in the end! Sorry clumsyklutz for hijacking your thread!

Milly33

God sounds like you are going through a really crap time with it.. I don't know are you prepared to just leave it go, perhaps that is the only way. Just go ahead with your plans tell her them all, I am sure she is secretly noting down every details and hopefully she will come around before the big day itself..

Eloping does sounds like a great way to escape this all.. Could be a nice way to just do it yerselfs

clumsyklutz

username123 wrote: »

I should have qualified that by saying that it is not easy when someone you hoped would be happy and excited for you has let you down like this, but ultimately you have to look after yourself here. For whatever reason your mother has decided to let you down - thats her choice. You cant control her behaviour but you can control your own. At some point she may ask why you dont talk about it and you can tell her that when you did she was dismissive so you stopped.

Thanks for that. Hopefully she realises what she's doing at some point or another before it's too late.

clumsyklutz

Milly33 wrote: »

God sounds like you are going through a really crap time with it.. I don't know are you prepared to just leave it go, perhaps that is the only way. Just go ahead with your plans tell her them all, I am sure she is secretly noting down every details and hopefully she will come around before the big day itself..

Eloping does sounds like a great way to escape this all.. Could be a nice way to just do it yerselfs

No, I think as another poster said, I'll just stop talking about it altogether, hopefully she'll come around at some stage and maybe ask why I haven't told her anything about it in a while. If not, well then it's her fault she's missing out on helping her only daughter get married. It is an awful lot easier said than done though.

clumsyklutz

sopretty wrote: »

Your mother sounds very tight with money!

Surround yourself with the people who are really excited and supportive. Your mother in law to be sounds like a complete gem!

She is extremely tight with money, always has been!

She really has been, as have all of his family, bar the odd 'I really would like to invite so and so', but I can deal with that, at least she's happy and helpful!

freshpopcorn

Its your wedding so its sort of up to you what you wand to do and all you can do is hope your mam cones around to it. Just tell its what ye want.
Things were sort of different when your mam was young,
When my parents got married they had a very small wedding in Ireland back in the early 1980 and it cost very little because they simply didn't have the money to have a bigger wedding.
I know of a couple who got married in 2013 and they looked in going abroad as well but decided not to because they knew they were putting people under a lot of pressure having to pay for flights/accomdation when they could have a budget wedding in Ireland. They knew even if they told people they didn't have to come if they couldn't afford it. They would feel like they had to. She could have this attitude.

clumsyklutz

freshpopcorn wrote: »

Its your wedding so its sort of up to you what you wand to do and all you can do is hope your mam cones around to it. Just tell its what ye want.
Things were sort of different when your mam was young,
When my parents got married they had a very small wedding in Ireland back in the early 1980 and it cost very little because they simply didn't have the money to have a bigger wedding.
I know of a couple who got married in 2013 and they looked in going abroad as well but decided not to because they knew they were putting people under a lot of pressure having to pay for flights/accomdation when they could have a budget wedding in Ireland. They knew even if they told people they didn't have to come if they couldn't afford it. They would feel like they had to. She could have this attitude.

My mum and dad got married in 1990, they had hardly any money and went into debt for it afaik, they had all the bells and whistles and that's what she wants again over here! Not happening!

I looked into weddings over here with my budget and it really just didn't compare to the four star treatment we'll be getting in Malta for a fraction of the cost of a wedding in Ireland. So far we have spent just over 2k and have ceremony, reception, meal, afters, dj, cake, award winning photographer and florist, so there is no comparison. And also, I never wanted a big wedding anyway, just not my thing, and if I had it over here, that's what would have happened.

Hope she comes around in time though!

freshpopcorn

clumsyklutz wrote: »

My mum and dad got married in 1990, they had hardly any money and went into debt for it afaik, they had all the bells and whistles and that's what she wants again over here! Not happening!

I looked into weddings over here with my budget and it really just didn't compare to the four star treatment we'll be getting in Malta for a fraction of the cost of a wedding in Ireland. So far we have spent just over 2k and have ceremony, reception, meal, afters, dj, cake, award winning photographer and florist, so there is no comparison. And also, I never wanted a big wedding anyway, just not my thing, and if I had it over here, that's what would have happened.

Hope she comes around in time though!

I think you have to explain to your mam you want to have a great day in Malta for the price if an okay day here.
Because when you say you when you talk about being on a budget people can always say you can have a cheap day here if you want.

Glinda

Some good advice here OP, but just for a different perspective, you might have a think about down the road years from now. You might regret sacrificing having people you love at the wedding for the sake of a nicer/cheaper location. This is especially so with family members who won't always be around. We're married fifteen years and several of the family on both sides who helped us celebrate our special day have passed away since, yet I can look back on photos and memories of that day when we were all so happy and it still makes me smile every time. My favourite picture of my grandmother is the one at our wedding where she's laughing out loud as her fancy hat tries to blow away in the wind outside the church.

It's hard to think long-term when you're young, but people are much more important than places and experiences in the end.

I hope you manage to sort it all out and have a lovely happy day whatever happens.

blindside88

Have you tried talking to your dad and tell him how you feel. He may be better able to bring your mam around to your way of thinking. There may be things going on on her life that she hasn't told you about

Electric Sheep

sopretty wrote: »

Your mother sounds very tight with money!

I would do as other posters have suggested and just accept the fact that she's not going to be happy about this.

Surround yourself with the people who are really excited and supportive. Your mother in law to be sounds like a complete gem!

I wouldn't assume she is tight with money. When you make the decision to make attending your wedding a large expense and hassle, you shouldn't be surprised that there are those who are not happy about it.

clumsyklutz

Glinda wrote: »

Some good advice here OP, but just for a different perspective, you might have a think about down the road years from now. You might regret sacrificing having people you love at the wedding for the sake of a nicer/cheaper location. This is especially so with family members who won't always be around. We're married fifteen years and several of the family on both sides who helped us celebrate our special day have passed away since, yet I can look back on photos and memories of that day when we were all so happy and it still makes me smile every time. My favourite picture of my grandmother is the one at our wedding where she's laughing out loud as her fancy hat tries to blow away in the wind outside the church.

It's hard to think long-term when you're young, but people are much more important than places and experiences in the end.

I hope you manage to sort it all out and have a lovely happy day whatever happens.

Also another reason why I'm having a gathering when we get home to be as inclusive as possible. I know I wouldn't enjoy the type of wedding I'd have over here with my kind of budget.

We really talked it through and understood that not everyone would like it or be able to go, but that it was our choice to make as much as it was other people's not to go and they need to respect our decision as much as we respect theirs.

I always pander to other people's needs, and this was one thing I was not going to be pushed around on, my partners and my own happiness has to be given some consideration too.

clumsyklutz

Electric Sheep wrote: »

I wouldn't assume she is tight with money. When you make the decision to make attending your wedding a large expense and hassle, you shouldn't be surprised that there are those who are not happy about it.

Weddings are a large expense wherever you have them. If you knew my mother you would know she is tight with money, when she has no need to be.

I'm not surprised that there would be people unhappy about it, as stated before, I just expected my mum to be even just a little bit happier that her only daughter is getting married.

Electric Sheep

clumsyklutz wrote: »

We really talked it through and understood that not everyone would like it or be able to go, but that it was our choice to make as much as it was other people's not to go and they need to respect our decision as much as we respect theirs.

If that is the case, why do you have a problem with your mother not paying for your brother?