Mother of the bride not supportive!

clumsyklutz

Electric Sheep wrote: »

If that is the case, why do you have a problem with your mother not paying for your brother?

Because I know exactly why she's doing it. I also know that he would be included in any holidays they go on as he will be a student.
If he can't go, he can't go, it really is horrible that she would do that, but I will manage, I'll be upset as he is my little brother but I will not let her bully me into having her day

clumsyklutz

Flights are less than 200 pp Return and the hotel are doing a three night deal for us for 150.00 for 2 for our guests if they wish to stay there. I'm just pointing out costs here as often if you have to travel in Ireland for a wedding it can be just as expensive. As said before we are not forcing anyone to go, they can come to the do at home if they wish.

username123

oppenheimer1 wrote: »

So for a couple, that's 550 euro more that it would cost at home. that's before you include the cost of eating out for the few days, train and taxi transfers airport parking. For a couple the cost to attend all in could easily be in excess of 800 euro on a budget (more realistically 1000+) before things like an outfit and gift.

If those costs are totted up for 60 guests, the cumulative cost is almost 50k. A great wedding could be had at home for that kind of money, so I don't think it's fair to say an overseas wedding is cheaper. That said like you did say it is everyone's choice to attend or not, but a great ceremony with no guests wouldn't be much fun.

There are costs as a guest no matter where it is, hotels in
Ireland are often 150+ for just 1 night! Plus the cost of travel, outfit, gift, etc,..

A wedding invitation is not a summons. Guests are free to turn down the invite!

DeVore

Plus they get a weekend away in a lovely country with plenty to do and see, and which is very cheap to eat (well!) in.

Just sayin...

Electric Sheep

clumsyklutz wrote: »

Because I know exactly why she's doing it. I also know that he would be included in any holidays they go on as he will be a student.
If he can't go, he can't go, it really is horrible that she would do that, but I will manage, I'll be upset as he is my little brother but I will not let her bully me into having her day

Not upset enough to pay for him yourself, though.

jlm29

Electric Sheep wrote: »

Not upset enough to pay for him yourself, though.

She has said that they can't afford it. I think the whole point of going abroad is that they haven't a huge amount of money to spend

Electric Sheep

jlm29 wrote: »

She has said that they can't afford it. I think the whole point of going abroad is that they haven't a huge amount of money to spend

But they assume the invited have plenty of money to travel for the wedding.

Really, I have zero sympathy with those who get married abroad to save their own pockets, then call other people tight.

clumsyklutz

Electric Sheep wrote: »

Not upset enough to pay for him yourself, though.

How dare you say that! If I could pay for him I would, and if you had read the thread fully, you would see where someone suggested that, and I explained that I couldn't even if I wanted to, our budget is our budget we can't stretch the wages from two badly paying jobs any further than we already have.

clumsyklutz

Electric Sheep wrote: »

But they assume the invited have plenty of money to travel for the wedding.

Really, I have zero sympathy with those who get married abroad to save their own pockets, then call other people tight.

I am inviting 40 people, I am not calling anyone but my mother tight, and I have more reasons than this wedding for doing that. I would never have the money to have the type of wedding we wanted over here, it will take us a full year and a half to save up 5k for the wedding, if I was to pander to everyone else's needs like I usually do, I would have to wait five years to get married, and personally I don't believe a wedding is worth that much money.

Thankfully his side of the family don't have your attitude nor my mothers. You two should have coffee sometime.

clumsyklutz

DeVore wrote: »

Plus they get a weekend away in a lovely country with plenty to do and see, and which is very cheap to eat (well!) in.

Just sayin...

Thank you!

oppenheimer1

.

clumsyklutz

oppenheimer1 wrote: »

How much is it worth? Your 40 guests will spend at least €32k between them to attend (versus €4k if it were at home)

I'll be saying this till I'm blue in the f*king face but here goes, they are not obligated to come. If 90% of them don't want to be there, they don't have to be! I always pander to everyone else's needs, always doing favours for people, putting myself out, but I'll be damned if someone tells me how my wedding is going to go.

Anyone that doesn't come, can come to the do when we get home if they like. It's really as simple as that.

freshpopcorn

Its up to you to do exactly what you want with ye're day.
They are people out there tough(you mother might be included) that thinks its unfair to ask people to go abroad for a wedding because of the cost of flights/accomdation/food out there. At least with a wedding in Ireland you can hop in the car on the morning of the wedding and come home that night.(Ireland is small enough) I'm aware of a couple who got married abroad and there was people really worried about the cost of going out there. Even tough the bride and groom was saying that there's no need to come if ye can't people will still feel like they had to go not to leave the couple down.

username123

freshpopcorn wrote: »

At least with a wedding in Ireland you can hop in the car on the morning of the wedding and come home that night.(Ireland is small enough).

I've gone to a few weddings in Ireland that were on early enough and were far enough away that there was no choice but to go down the night before (or get up at 5am) to get there and as for hopping in the car to go home that night, it's rare for people to stay sober at an Irish wedding (although I have done it), be a bit of a cheerless affair if everyone stayed sober to go home early!

queensinead

DeVore wrote: »

Plus they get a weekend away in a lovely country with plenty to do and see, and which is very cheap to eat (well!) in.

Just sayin...

I dislike these weddings abroad. I have no interest in going to Malta. If I was taking a holiday abroad that would not be how I would choose to spend my money. So thank God I'm not a close relative of the writer of the OP

One poster mentioned that having the wedding abroad gets rid of the false friends who only tag along to weddings for free food and drink.
Many people regard even weddings at home as a chore, but attend them out of loyalty or friendship to the couple or to the family. Very few people are in such dire need of a free meal.

It's a bit presumptuous to think they should all go to Malta and be thrilled about it.

One can say, oh, but nobody is forced to attend, let them stay at home. But that's not really an option for the brother of the bride, the mother, the mother-in-law, the bridesmaids, the groom's best mate, the other relatives.

They have to find the money for this jamboree whether they like it or not.

Malta might be a cheap option for the bride and groom, but it's an expensive option for everyone else

And a wedding is not just about the couple. It's a public declaration, a public ceremony , involving families and the wider community.

The mother may have been looking forward to this day for ages, had dreams about seeing her darling walking down the aisle of the local church

She may have been looking forward to having all her friends and relations around her for the big day. Now that dream might be fading, because many older guests may choose not to travel to Malta

That does not mean that the mother should be allowed to dictate (but if she is expected to pay for other family members to fly to Malta, she is entitled to her opinion) just that her feelings and her disappointment need to be understood

clumsyklutz

queensinead wrote: »

Malta might be a cheap option for the bride and groom, but it's an expensive option for everyone else

And a wedding is not just about the couple. It's a public declaration, a public ceremony , involving families and the wider community.

The mother may have been looking forward to this day for ages, had dreams about seeing her darling walking down the aisle of the local church

She may have been looking forward to having all her friends and relations around her for the big day. Now that dream might be fading, because many older guests may choose not to travel to Malta

That does not mean that the mother should be allowed to dictate (but if she is expected to pay for other family members to fly to Malta, she is entitled to her opinion) just that her feelings and her disappointment need to be understood

Firstly it's our day, not hers, she had her day 24 years ago, who she wants there, may not necessarily be who I or my fiance want there.

Secondly, while my family are catholic, I am an atheist and therefore she wouldn't be having the whole 'local church' dream, because quite frankly she knows better than to expect that.

Thirdly, there will be a celebration for those who couldn't make it when we get home, to make them feel as if they haven't missed out on the whole thing.

A lot of people on here really seem to be under the impression that I should just bow down to her needs, but at the end of the day, it's our wedding, it's happening in Malta, not in some hotel in Donabate with a hundred guests like she wanted and she just needs to get over that, or suck it up.

And that's where I'm going to leave it, you can argue amongst yourselves about how selfish I am, how I'm being inconsiderate etc etc. but at the end of the day I'll just have to learn to get on with it, with or without her support. I'd prefer with, but you can't win em all.

Thank you to those who had kind words and advice for me, I really appreciated it. And especially to that other poster who's going through the same thing, feel free to pm me . To those of you who weren't so supportive, thanks for your opinions, but some of you were truly horrible, I appreciate that some of you were simply voicing your opinions, and that's fine, but just remember in future that there is someone on the other side of the post, and being plain mean isn't going to help anyone with a problem on here.

freshpopcorn

OP, as I said in my first post. Its your day to do what you want do. I didn't mean to be harsh in my other posts.Sorry if I did.
Your mother is sort of missing her day to show you off so this might be upsetting her in a way. The thing about having a little get together when you get back isn't exactly the same as having a a wedding tough.
As for your brother. Put a euro in a jar every day or as much as you can and it would probably pay for his flight. Your parents might still pay for the flight.
Talk to your dad about it. They might be issues going on at home that you don't know about, no matter how close ye are to them. You might not be aware of them.

clumsyklutz

Thanks for the euro jar idea :-). Simple but great! And now.finally that's me signed off this thread :-P

cookiecakes

What a horrible situation OP. I got married last year and can't imagine my mum not being thrilled by every little thing. I agree with some of the posters above who say maybe her feelings are hurt that you booked it without telling them. Also, maybe she is embarrassed at the additional expense being put on others. Years ago, before we were even engaged I said I'd probably go away to get married as it was so much cheaper. My dad said 'Just remember, it's cheaper for you but you're putting a lot of extra expense on others' That struck a chord with both of us so when we got engaged we quickly decided to have our wedding at home.

Maybe your mum feels the same. I know people will say ''oh they get a weekend away out of it'' but we've travelled abroad to weddings and we've never once been to one in a place we would have happily chosen to go and they all worked out as quite expensive weekends away. It is your day and you should be choosing things that make you happy but you don't know the ins and outs of your parents finances so maybe they are a little pushed for money or others are griping to them about the extra cost. If you're happy with where yiz are having the wedding, I'd say you'll just have to brazen it out. I'd probably give your mum a bit of a break though. She's probably just having a hard time with it.

The Muppet

clumsyklutz wrote: »

I'll be saying this till I'm blue in the f*king face but here goes, they are not obligated to come. If 90% of them don't want to be there, they don't have to be! I always pander to everyone else's needs, always doing favours for people, putting myself out, but I'll be damned if someone tells me how my wedding is going to go.

Anyone that doesn't come, can come to the do when we get home if they like. It's really as simple as that.

What about the ones that would want to go to the actual wedding but can't afford the expense or to be away from Home /work for three days. Personally I would have no interest in attending any after event in such circumstances.

I do sympathise with you , I think if I was in you situation I would just go on holiday with my partner and get married while I was away with no family present .

tinkerbell

OP I think you need to lay off your mum a bit. Let's be realistic here - a wedding abroad is a major financial ache for guests of a wedding. It's cheaper for the bride and groom but between the finances of getting there (around €1,000 probably) AND taking annual leave to get off work, it is a huge ask when you invite guests to a wedding abroad.

You say that your parents are in fairly good jobs so should afford to pay for your brother. I think you are being very presumptuous and a little selfish with that attitude. You have no idea of the true extent of your parents financial situation unless you have full access to their financial statements, which I could probably safely guess you don't have because I doubt there's many parents out there who give their children all their financial information.

If you want your brother there, then pay for it yourself. You say you don't have money to do so. Neither do your parents. Well then he won't be coming. If you aren't happy with that, then don't get married abroad and have a very small wedding at home. You can still have the same guest list for a wedding at home than you would for your wedding abroad.

What you have to accept is that at the end of the day, the only people who think your wedding is a big deal is you and your partner. To a big extent, also your parents. Everyone else it's just another wedding and with a wedding abroad, you can't expect people to drop everything and go into debt to attend.

username123

The Muppet wrote: »

What about the ones that would want to go to the actual wedding but can't afford the expense or to be away from Home /work for three days. Personally I would have no interest in attending any after event in such circumstances.

People don't get married to please their guests. They get married for themselves. Not everyone can make it to every occasion, that's just life, whether it be financial issue, a time issue, or disinterest, that's just the way it goes.

tinkerbell

username123 wrote: »

People don't get married to please their guests. They get married for themselves. Not everyone can make it to every occasion, that's just life, whether it be financial issue, a time issue, or disinterest, that's just the way it goes.

This is true, however what then tends to happen is they get personally insulted when someone declines the invitation. My advice is - do what's right for you but realise that not everyone can attend - be they close family or not so close.

hoodwinked

username123 wrote: »

People don't get married to please their guests. They get married for themselves. Not everyone can make it to every occasion, that's just life, whether it be financial issue, a time issue, or disinterest, that's just the way it goes.

yes thats true, you choose to get married to spend the rest of your life with your husband/wife, the marriage ceremony and party is essentially that, the chance to show your love and make it official publicly in front of friends and family, (its one of the reasons why you need two witnesses and cannot just go and get married with just the two of you)

by the basic fact the op has invited people, including her mother and brother means she wants them there, so in effect this wedding is a party,
would you have a birthday party with nobody there? no? so why do people make wedding parties so difficult to attend? and then complain when people don't attend...

people argue "its my one day" so is your 21st birthday or your 30th birthday, but you wouldn't expect people to head off abroad with you to celebrate that.


Op i would be more on the go easy on your mother, you are expecting too much of your parents and to be fair, if my brother couldn't have made my wedding i'd have been devastated, so obviously that was in my considerations when deciding where (believe me eloping would have been cheaper and better for us too)

just ask yourself two questions,


when the day is over (and it goes so fast) will you be happy looking over the photos of you and your husband, and you with your husband and his family, and your mother and brother not in any photos?

and two, will you be upset if nobody turns up at this second gathering when you get home?

as people can be very upset at just getting afters invites, i can't imagine how they will feel at being invited to a party days/weeks later, i suspect they will feel you are doing it to get presents, and while it is your day, i found what made ours successful was having a bit of consideration for others, and a little consideration went a long way for people to enjoy the day, by no way did i compromise our day in fact it was my perfect wedding even with a few hiccups, but i did take others into account especially my family and his family.

Birdie086

Slightly off topic, but my mam lives on Gozo, an island off the cost of Malta. Malta is extremely cheap, so people can book hotels for great prices and very little spending money.

Although I would avoid the month of August, as it is uncomfortably hot, not suited to an Irish wedding in my opinion.

Chocolate

cookiecakes wrote: »

Years ago, before we were even engaged I said I'd probably go away to get married as it was so much cheaper. My dad said 'Just remember, it's cheaper for you but you're putting a lot of extra expense on others'

Wise words from your father.

Sligo1

OP I'm not going to comment on your choice of wedding as that is entirely up to you and your partner. I do understand why your mother may be upset tho.

However, with regards to your brother... You really should probably make allowances in your budget to ensure he is able to go. Whether this means a lower priced photographer or cake or meal or weddig bands or whatever. Seriously, I know you said you can't afford to pay for him but IMO if that were my brother it would be a priority for me. Probably more than any other frills of the wedding.

Even if it means putting the wedding off for a month or 2 so you can save an extra couple hundred euro to get him there. As I said, he's your brother, he's only 18. he really should be there...

strandroad

It's very sad that someone would create a situation where their brother cannot afford to be present... just for a certain "type" of wedding.

I would really reconsider if I were you. It's likely that there are more family members who will be left behind and feel disappointment and resentment. Your parents might be giving you an important sign. Also, if your mother's good job is really part time childminding, they may have much less money than you think themselves.

You are entitled to your decision but not to everyone being happy about it.

pwurple

clumsyklutz wrote: »

And if they were going on any other holiday they would have paid for him to go anyway.

This stuck out for me OP. The sense of entitlement from you is bound to be irritating. Why should you or anyone else dictate where they use up their holidays or their money? They probably have no interest in malta, I know i wouldn't.

You should have considered how much your low-cost wedding was going to cost others. A wedding abroad may mean cheaper hotels per night, but a wedding is often only one or maybe two nights... Malta will be more nights. Plus flights, plus the hassle of taking time off work, travelling, packing, time spent researching things to do over there. It is more expensive for anyone attending, whatever way you look at it. The very LEAST you could have done is told her you were about to book it, instead of just doing it and expected her to be ok. Calling her tight because she balked at the thousand euro bill and loss of holidays you just imposed on them without warning is a bit much tbh.

Remember she will be dealing with the backlash from relatives who will feel embarressed that they can't go as well, on your behalf.

Foreign weddings are lovely in photos etc, but doing it because it is cheaper shows a real ignorance of what is actually happening with the money flow. You've just transferred cost off yourself, and onto your guests instead. If you realise this and accept that this is what is causing the issue, you will probably get on better with chatting to her about it. Talking about other things you have picked out is just going to be winding her up until you clear the air.

And you need to pay for your brothers. Both of them. Flights and hotel. Factor it into your wedding budget. Drop invitations, honeymoon, cake, flowers, dress, entertainment... Whatever it takes. They need to be there, at your cost, not your parents.

username123

This thread reminds me of why I eloped and had 2 strangers as witnesses.