Mother of the bride not supportive!

Typer Monkey

username123 wrote: »

This thread reminds me of why I eloped and had 2 strangers as witnesses.

With respect I think what you did is different (and to me preferable btw!) to expecting your friends and family to fork out to come with you.

The OP is not in a comparable situation. She wants all the trappings of a big wedding and her family present but doesn't want to pay for it

iguana

clumsyklutz wrote: »

To those of you who weren't so supportive, thanks for your opinions, but some of you were truly horrible, I appreciate that some of you were simply voicing your opinions, and that's fine, but just remember in future that there is someone on the other side of the post, and being plain mean isn't going to help anyone with a problem on here.

Not one single poster on this thread, other than you, posted anything even remotely horrible. You seem to think that anyone who disagrees with you is being mean as opposed to maybe having a valid point that differs from your worldview and many of your comments back were quite unacceptable on this forum. So consider yourself warned, if you want to keep posting here be prepared for people to disagree with you and stop with the sneery replies in return.

homemadecider

OP, you seem to be missing the blatant fact that your 'low cost wedding' is not low cost at all; you are simply transferring the cost from you to your guests. I wouldn't be happy with this arrangement either tbh and I can see why your mother is pissed off. You are acting really selfishly.

freshpopcorn

The thing that sticks to me in this thread is the OP seems to want a wedding with a lot of the extras at a reduced cost. Its different to going out to Malta with a friend or two or each others parents and getting married and having a small ceremony and a bite to eat.
The mother is going to have to tell people and explain to them why there not invited and this might be hard for her to do. Most mothers look forward to there daughters day and it being surrounded by people so she can show her daughter off to them.
The mother might also see the financial pressure that people are under. Even when you tell people there no need to attend people still feel like they have to and if they don't they'll feel like there letting you down. I know a lot of people if they got an invitation to a wedding in Malta they'd be having. Sleepless nights thinking about it.
The OP also seems to totally egnore the fact the family might be having issues with money or something else. She needs to talk to them about this.
There is a lot of extra expencess to guests going to Malta.
Days of work.
Accomdation for a couple of nights, in Ireland guests can get away with a night or they might even be able to go home the night of the wedding.
Travel. In Ireland you drive to the venue/church and then to the reception that's about it. In Malta you've to get to the airport, pay for parking, you might have to get a bit to eat at the airport, your flights, the cost of luggage, you need to bring a lot of extra luggage with you, when you arrive in Malta you've to pay for transport to the hotel.
Arrival in Malta. Food and drink, accomdation, sunscreen. (It all adds up)
Even for the people going out to Malta. They need days off work,(not just a day), there Summer holiday now has turned into a wedding, if people have kids they have to organise babysitters at home, people to look after there houses while there away(take in the post, switch lights on and off).
On top all of this guests still have to get there suit/dress, women might get there hair done and give a gift.
It is a very expensive day for guests be it family or friends that are attending.

December2012

I enjoy going to the weddings of those I love. I have gone abroad for the weddings I can afford but I cannot stand the arrogance of the "you'll get a great weekend / holiday out of it".

Simple fact is if I wanted to go away for a weekend I would. Other simple fact, my budget counts for one of these per year - Wheb I "choose" to go to your wedding the fact remains that your wedding involves me specifically spending my time and money where the wedding couple dictate.

Lots of people don't go on holiday with all of their family - if they can afford to go away it's by themselves.

So it is different, it does put obligations on those who choose to go and it's not the same as a normal holiday, so don't pretend it is.

OP you mentioned that you always please everybody else. You also think your mother thinks you're being railroaded into something you don't want by your fiancé.

People here gave you their considered opinion which you asked for and you reacted very negatively.

I think the problem is that you do not have an honest relationship with your mother, and neither does she with you. You therefore cannot understand each other - your reaction online sounds like a similar defensive reaction she has about your wedding.

Do you even know why she is upset?

Gatica

December2012 wrote: »

You also think your mother thinks you're being railroaded into something you don't want by your fiancé.

If you're referring to this post:

jlm29 wrote: »

See- the thing that causes so much difficulty for me, is that in our situation, it's not about money. Admittedly, I don't have a lot of it at the moment, but if we wanted a big wedding, we'd save up and have it! It's a personality thing- I'd hate to have the whole world looking on while we got married, I'd rather have just our families. My oh is the same- in fact, he'd be happy to have no one, but we'll meet half way on that!! My mam is inclined to think I'm bowing to do things his way, while in actual fact, all that's wrong is I won't bow to do things her way!!

Anyhow, we'll get there in the end! Sorry clumsyklutz for hijacking your thread!

..then I think you're mistaking this poster for the OP.

I personally believe people should have their wedding wherever they want. However, need to realise that, as other posters have said, you may be imposing on them holidays that people would not choose to have. Declines and disgruntled feelings therefore are unavoidable.
My idea of a holiday may be different from others' and I have so much family to visit abroad I get very little holiday time off to myself (20 days off is hard to spread around to visit 2 continents every year or two), so a wedding abroad to a location I wouldn't pick to go to normally would be declined, unless they were close friends and then I would feel compelled to go, but still probably begrudge it a bit. Realistically, these things have to be taken into consideration when inviting anyone.
In addition, as someone else mentioned, people may find a second wedding celebration at home as a way to get presents. I know it may not be what the OP had in mind, but it can come across like that to people. An invitation may not be a summons, but many people, especially older folk, would consider it rude to decline and would go at all costs.

December2012

Ah yes, I did mix the posters up.

My other advice stands.

Mrs OBumble

How much would it cost, exactly, to have a registry office wedding, and a do in the local GAA hall which your friends have decorated and which you have done most of the catering for?

I presume that the GAA club operates a cash bar, so you wouldn't even HAVE to provide any booze. And if it's rego-office, no need for dresses, flowers, photographers, hairdressers, etc.

Gatica

Yes, it can be done on a low budget. I think however same as others who can afford it, the OP wants the pretty white wedding with the trimmings. Unfortunately their budget wouldn't stretch to that in Ireland, unless they put it off for >5 years, from what I gather.

Milly33

jes why do people get so pissy sometimes with their comments!! ye should chillax a bit

strandroad

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

How much would it cost, exactly, to have a registry office wedding, and a do in the local GAA hall which your friends have decorated and which you have done most of the catering for?

I presume that the GAA club operates a cash bar, so you wouldn't even HAVE to provide any booze. And if it's rego-office, no need for dresses, flowers, photographers, hairdressers, etc.

It won't be 4 stars though, and in Malta it will.

amdublin

Oh jebus a lot of drama isn't there.

My advice would be just to let your mam say or do what she wants and you get on with organising your wedding. So your brother won't be there because neither you nor your mam are going to pay for him. Nothing can be done about it.

Stop the drama and move on.

AoifeCork

Having watched this thread evolve over the last week or so, I said I wouldn't make any comments... but my only comment would have been and still is...

No matter if you get married in your own back garden or in Hong Kong, if somebody loves you and cares for you enough to share your big day-they will make the effort to be there.

Best of luck OP-methinks you are going to need it!

amdublin

AoifeCork wrote: »

Having watched this thread evolve over the last week or so, I said I wouldn't make any comments... but my only comment would have been and still is...

No matter if you get married in your own back garden or in Hong Kong, if somebody loves you and cares for you enough to share your big day-they will make the effort to be there.

Best of luck OP-methinks you are going to need it!

That's nice in theory but back in the real world if the 18 year old brother can't pay for his flight he can't pay for his flight.

Milly33

Haha I just read this and was thinking what a wise woman!! But sure doesn't your name say it all, Cork haha.. Nicely said far too much judgements being mad on the OP she was just asking advice not for a grilling..

amdublin

Milly33 wrote: »

Haha I just read this and was thinking what a wise woman!! But sure doesn't your name say it all, Cork haha.. Nicely said far too much judgements being mad on the OP she was just asking advice not for a grilling..

A lot of judgements on the poor mother as well

Lookit you can't please everyone just do what you want do and live with it.

Sligo1

I had a big wedding and spent a good bit of money on it. I was lucky that all my loved ones were present on the day. Having said that... If for whatever reason (sickness, financial problems etc) one of my siblings or mum couldn't be there, I would have have got married in a registry office with no party if they could have made it to that instead... I woulda got a big cake for after tho and it would have to be chocolate)!

AoifeCork

amdublin wrote: »

That's nice in theory but back in the real world if the 18 year old brother can't pay for his flight he can't pay for his flight.

I was concentrating more on the parents actually. Obviously an 18 year old at college wouldn't be earning the same as people in full employment and wouldn't have the same expendable income for a wedding abroad. Then again she does state he paid half his college fees this year so kudos to his integrity.. he might be a shrewd saver

amdublin

AoifeCork wrote: »

I was concentrating more on the parents actually. Obviously an 18 year old at college wouldn't be earning the same as people in full employment and wouldn't have the same expendable income for a wedding abroad. Then again she does state he paid half his college fees this year so kudos to his integrity.. he might be a shrewd saver

Yeah the parents are going already I think.

Yes sounds like is a shrewd saver alright so you never know he might end up being able to pay for his flights.

The op has also said that she likes the jar idea and putting away the one euro or two euro away so she might end up buying him his flight also.

miss no stars

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

How much would it cost, exactly, to have a registry office wedding, and a do in the local GAA hall which your friends have decorated and which you have done most of the catering for?

I presume that the GAA club operates a cash bar, so you wouldn't even HAVE to provide any booze. And if it's rego-office, no need for dresses, flowers, photographers, hairdressers, etc.

My personal idea of wedding hell. Sounds like the OP wants a small wedding in a nice location. Not hell.


Tbh, the OP has already put the figures up there for us. Hotel is doing a deal of a room for 2 people for 2/3 nights (can't remember) for €150 and return flights are €200. €550 for her parents to attend. OP sent save the date notices 18 months in advance. At 40 people invited I'm guessing it's close family and a few friends on both sides. So letting guests know that absolutely no presents are required and giving them so much notice of the date means that anyone who wants to be there can be there. Who can't save less than a euro a day? If they're that badly off they couldn't afford it if the OP had the wedding in a hotel down the country that charges €100pppn.


Why don't people lay off the OP here? She's said she looked at several options and her and her OH decided on Malta. I well believe that the mother can afford to go - it's over a bloody year away. Save a euro a day and she's there. It sounds to me like she's a control freak who's throwing the toys out of the pram and cutting off her nose to spite her face. OP, have you considered asking your OH's mother to try and nudge her a bit? It sounds like she's a lovely person who might work on your own mum a bit?

What people seem to forget is that the wedding isn't about the mother of the bride getting to parade around (and parade the daughter around) in front of the local ICA brigade, it's about two people starting a life together. It's about those two people.

If the mother was hard up for cash the normal reaction would be to say so. Ya know say something like "look, we're really stuck helping your brother with college and so on, have you thought about having the wedding the following year to give us more time to save for it?" WHEN THE OP FIRST TALKED ABOUT ABROAD. Some parents are just immature fools and that can't be helped. Parents who aren't selfish and immature would be supportive and would try to do what they could to work out a way of having all the important people there. Not using their now 17 year old son as a pawn to stab their daughter in the back. Bit of perspective here.

Sligo1

miss no stars wrote: »

My personal idea of wedding hell. Sounds like the OP wants a small wedding in a nice location. Not hell.


Tbh, the OP has already put the figures up there for us. Hotel is doing a deal of a room for 2 people for 2/3 nights (can't remember) for €150 and return flights are €200. €550 for her parents to attend. OP sent save the date notices 18 months in advance. At 40 people invited I'm guessing it's close family and a few friends on both sides. So letting guests know that absolutely no presents are required and giving them so much notice of the date means that anyone who wants to be there can be there. Who can't save less than a euro a day? If they're that badly off they couldn't afford it if the OP had the wedding in a hotel down the country that charges €100pppn.


Why don't people lay off the OP here? She's said she looked at several options and her and her OH decided on Malta. I well believe that the mother can afford to go - it's over a bloody year away. Save a euro a day and she's there. It sounds to me like she's a control freak who's throwing the toys out of the pram and cutting off her nose to spite her face. OP, have you considered asking your OH's mother to try and nudge her a bit? It sounds like she's a lovely person who might work on your own mum a bit?

What people seem to forget is that the wedding isn't about the mother of the bride getting to parade around (and parade the daughter around) in front of the local ICA brigade, it's about two people starting a life together. It's about those two people.

If the mother was hard up for cash the normal reaction would be to say so. Ya know say something like "look, we're really stuck helping your brother with college and so on, have you thought about having the wedding the following year to give us more time to save for it?" WHEN THE OP FIRST TALKED ABOUT ABROAD. Some parents are just immature fools and that can't be helped. Parents who aren't selfish and immature would be supportive and would try to do what they could to work out a way of having all the important people there. Not using their now 17 year old son as a pawn to stab their daughter in the back. Bit of perspective here.

But what about OPs brother? I think the main consensus here is that OP knows he wouldn't be able to afford this trip and therefore attend her wedding. Yet she expected her parents to foot the bill for him. I think it's that expectation and sense of entitlement that had some posters a little riled up. If OP had said she realises her brother wouldn't be able to afford the trip but she was making every effortfor proper provision to ensure he goes... I think a lot of posters would perhaps have a different opinion.

amdublin

miss no stars wrote: »

My personal idea of wedding hell. Sounds like the OP wants a small wedding in a nice location. Not hell.


Tbh, the OP has already put the figures up there for us. Hotel is doing a deal of a room for 2 people for 2/3 nights (can't remember) for €150 and return flights are €200. €550 for her parents to attend. OP sent save the date notices 18 months in advance. At 40 people invited I'm guessing it's close family and a few friends on both sides. So letting guests know that absolutely no presents are required and giving them so much notice of the date means that anyone who wants to be there can be there. Who can't save less than a euro a day? If they're that badly off they couldn't afford it if the OP had the wedding in a hotel down the country that charges €100pppn.


Why don't people lay off the OP here? She's said she looked at several options and her and her OH decided on Malta. I well believe that the mother can afford to go - it's over a bloody year away. Save a euro a day and she's there. It sounds to me like she's a control freak who's throwing the toys out of the pram and cutting off her nose to spite her face. OP, have you considered asking your OH's mother to try and nudge her a bit? It sounds like she's a lovely person who might work on your own mum a bit?

What people seem to forget is that the wedding isn't about the mother of the bride getting to parade around (and parade the daughter around) in front of the local ICA brigade, it's about two people starting a life together. It's about those two people.

If the mother was hard up for cash the normal reaction would be to say so. Ya know say something like "look, we're really stuck helping your brother with college and so on, have you thought about having the wedding the following year to give us more time to save for it?" WHEN THE OP FIRST TALKED ABOUT ABROAD. Some parents are just immature fools and that can't be helped. Parents who aren't selfish and immature would be supportive and would try to do what they could to work out a way of having all the important people there. Not using their now 17 year old son as a pawn to stab their daughter in the back. Bit of perspective here.

Quit the "op is a victim" act. No one is "laying on" the op. Just presenting different perspectives.

And as you've pointed out this is about two people staring a life together, just those two people so personally I think the op should stop getting involved in the drama with her mother and get on with organising her day. If her brother can go, brilliant! If he can't that is unfortunate/sad etc etc...but unfortunately that is sometimes the result of having a wedding abroad...and sometimes it happens when not abroad as well.

"all the important people" are really just the bride and groom, and unfortunately it's not a parents job to pay for anyone else to go. If the bride really really wants her brother there she is going to have to find a another way rather than expecting her parents to pay.

hoodwinked

AoifeCork wrote: »

No matter if you get married in your own back garden or in Hong Kong, if somebody loves you and cares for you enough to share your big day-they will make the effort to be there.

that is so unfair in so many ways, there are plenty of people who wish couples the best, that love them and cares enough for them yet cannot make it to their wedding,


all that phrase does is give the op unrealistic expectations of what her family "owe" her,

and it brings that worse godawful phrase of "if you loved me you'd find a way" that you hear uttered far too often. her parents have reared her they don't owe her anything else.

if you are being unrealistic and living in a cloud you should not expect others to join you, for most a wedding abroad is highly unpractical, no matter how much the notice is, if the op wants to get married abroad that is fine,

for the record i believe the op said their budget was around 5k? we spent 5k on our wedding and it wasn't a registry office deal, in fact it was a church, hotel for the meal...party...etc i even had two wedding dresses (one for the day one for the night) and paid for my three bridesmaids dress/hair/make up...etc and the boys suits and accommodation for our wedding party, you could call it a 4 star wedding,

it can be done if like us you had to make it work for your budget, (i won't lie it was bloody hard work as my husband and i HAD to do most of it) but we enjoyed it more because of that, most people have since said the day cost us at least three times what it actually did, because they didn't notice the difference,


so at the end of the day the op has choosen to go abroad, has choosen to create this problem and could have made it easier for her family if she took the time to consider the burden she was placing on them and her guests but did not,

username123

Typer Monkey wrote: »

With respect I think what you did is different (and to me preferable btw!) to expecting your friends and family to fork out to come with you.

The OP is not in a comparable situation. She wants all the trappings of a big wedding and her family present but doesn't want to pay for it

Oh I know the situations are not comparable, what drove us to elope was the amount of people who thought they had a right to tell us how we should get married.

It's bizarre how people have such strong opinions on other people's weddings.

Sligo1

username123 wrote: »

Oh I know the situations are not comparable, what drove us to elope was the amount of people who thought they had a right to tell us how we should get married.

It's bizarre how people have such strong opinions on other people's weddings.

Lol. In another thread on here last week OP was saying she'd never spend a lot of money on a wedding as she thought that was ridiculous.


clumsyklutz
Registered User
Clearly you and most people will never agree with me, and thats fine, blow 20-30k on one day, but I'll stick to my 5k budget for a small wedding abroad and have tons of change to put towards a deposit or car.

And


Quote: Sligo1
I just think different people like different things and have different ways of thinking. Each to their own aye.

clumsyklutz
Registered User
Each to their own alright, still think they need their head examined though


OP seems to also have her opinions on other people's weddings... Lol

tinkerbell

miss no stars wrote: »

Tbh, the OP has already put the figures up there for us. Hotel is doing a deal of a room for 2 people for 2/3 nights (can't remember) for €150 and return flights are €200. €550 for her parents to attend. OP sent save the date notices 18 months in advance. At 40 people invited I'm guessing it's close family and a few friends on both sides. So letting guests know that absolutely no presents are required and giving them so much notice of the date means that anyone who wants to be there can be there. Who can't save less than a euro a day? If they're that badly off they couldn't afford it if the OP had the wedding in a hotel down the country that charges €100pppn.

I find the notion of expecting people to be grateful that they got "18 months notice" so that they can have the money saved up to attend to be absolutely ridiculous. There is no way in hell that anybody would save up 18 months in advance to attend somebody's wedding, unless it was their OWN wedding. People have bills to pay, groceries to buy, their own holidays to save for, or anything else they want to spend their money on. Not spend nearly the guts of 2 bloody years saving for some stupid wedding abroad.

And weddings abroad cost way more than just the cost of flight and hotel. You have to pay to travel there - get to the airport, pay for airport parking, get taxis once you arrive in the location abroad, pay for food, buy suitable clothes for an abroad wedding as usually the outfit you'd wear to a wedding in Ireland ain't suitable for a hot climate.

Electric Sheep

Sligo1 wrote: »

clumsyklutz
Registered User
Clearly you and most people will never agree with me, and thats fine, blow 20-30k on one day, but I'll stick to my 5k budget for a small wedding abroad and have tons of change to put towards a deposit or a car.
clumsyklutz

Hmm, enough for a car or the deposit on a house, but not to pay her brother's fare. Interesting priorities.

amdublin

tinkerbell wrote: »

I find the notion of expecting people to be grateful that they got "18 months notice" so that they can have the money saved up to attend to be absolutely ridiculous. There is no way in hell that anybody would save up 18 months in advance to attend somebody's wedding, unless it was their OWN wedding. People have bills to pay, groceries to buy, their own holidays to save for, or anything else they want to spend their money on. Not spend nearly the guts of 2 bloody years saving for some stupid wedding abroad.

And weddings abroad cost way more than just the cost of flight and hotel. You have to pay to travel there - get to the airport, pay for airport parking, get taxis once you arrive in the location abroad, pay for food, buy suitable clothes for an abroad wedding as usually the outfit you'd wear to a wedding in Ireland ain't suitable for a hot climate.

"But you are getting a holiday away" they say.

Yeah but I don't really want to go to Spain/France/Italy/Malta.
(and certainly not as my holiday this year).

And if I do want to go there at some point, I want to go on my own agenda, on dates I pick, and do the things I want to do, and go with who I choose, and not have to attend a wedding in the middle of it.

I'm sorry but I work very hard all year round and going abroad to attend a wedding is not a holiday frankly






Ps. I love my family and sisters to death but one of them was getting married abroad (Las Vegas) and I could not go. She was like *sad face* ok, I understand.
Same goes for all my sisters if I could not attend their weddings (home or abroad).

homemadecider

Aye, it's the expectation that you should spend your holiday time and holiday money on someone's wedding overseas... but it's okay because you've been given 18 months notice. I would have no interest in spending the one holiday I can afford each year at someone's wedding!

OP if you want your brother to attend then suck it up and pay for him. I can't believe you expect your parents to pay. Either you pay or else come to terms with the fact that he won't be there. If that happens, then it's no one's fault but your own.

littleblackDRS

amdublin wrote: »

Yeah the parents are going already I think.

The parents aren't going. That's the whole point of this thread. That the mother is refusing to go.

I don't even understand why some people are getting so narky. The OP stated again and again and again that she wasn't "expecting" anyone to come to Malta for the wedding, its an invite to attend, not a demand.

The OP was only asking how to deal with her mother. She already said she's going to look into paying for her brother.

I don't understand why people are dragging up older posts and being so judgement too.