Teen won't do homework.

LegacyUser

Am at the end of my tether with 14 year old .He's the youngest of 3.
In 2nd year and results are appalling.
He does the bare minimum at school and less at home.
In 2 pass subjects since start of 2nd year with possibly more to follow as the results get worse.
He has no special requirements, no learning difficulties- is actually quite bright and he knows this.
Will not open a book at all.Does bare minimum regarding written work, but no learning at all.

Just to say-there is no tv in his room, no playstation, etc....hasn't been to a disco since 1st year-as we've never rewarded the others for negative behaviour.
Have talked with teachers, even went to GP- nobody can help or advise.
Except to say he must study- Jesus-I can sit him at table and open the books for him but I cannot make him study.
No signs of depression, -he would sit and read all day long if he was allowed, am reluctant to take books away as it's not a bad thing.

At this moment in time, I've cried again today.I'm about to crack up and it has put unbelievable pressure on the entire family and am at breaking point due to arguements over him.
I'd appreciate any advice- if any teachers read this, or any parents of teens who've had a similar issue and got through it.

Just to add- he was an adorable baby and a good child until secondary school and becoming 13- and no, he's not being bullied either.

Thank you for reading this, I never thought I'd need to write this but really am lost right now and have nowhere else to turn.

Obliq

UPSET MOTHER wrote: »

Am at the end of my tether with 14 year old .He's the youngest of 3.
In 2nd year and results are appalling.
He does the bare minimum at school and less at home.
In 2 pass subjects since start of 2nd year with possibly more to follow as the results get worse.
He has no special requirements, no learning difficulties- is actually quite bright and he knows this.
Will not open a book at all.Does bare minimum regarding written work, but no learning at all.

Just to say-there is no tv in his room, no playstation, etc....hasn't been to a disco since 1st year-as we've never rewarded the others for negative behaviour.
Have talked with teachers, even went to GP- nobody can help or advise.
Except to say he must study- Jesus-I can sit him at table and open the books for him but I cannot make him study.
No signs of depression, -he would sit and read all day long if he was allowed, am reluctant to take books away as it's not a bad thing.

At this moment in time, I've cried again today.I'm about to crack up and it has put unbelievable pressure on the entire family and am at breaking point due to arguements over him.
I'd appreciate any advice- if any teachers read this, or any parents of teens who've had a similar issue and got through it.

Just to add- he was an adorable baby and a good child until secondary school and becoming 13- and no, he's not being bullied either.

Thank you for reading this, I never thought I'd need to write this but really am lost right now and have nowhere else to turn.

I'm only newly looking at this parenting forum and was reading through the posts - noticed your's hasn't got any response!

What reason does he give for not doing anything about the place, and getting bad results in school? I can see that you don't spoil him by reinforcing the negative behaviour, but have you tried rewarding the positives? Like bribery, but towards a good end? I've always remembered a phrase I heard once - "If you want grade A treatment, your behaviour needs to be grade A", or something like that.

My eldest did really rubbish in his 5th yr xmas tests and I was horrified. Until now, he's kept up and was very much a self-starter (thankfully, as my youngest is definitely NOT). This last year though, if he could be any more laid back, he'd be lying on the floor. Instead of despairing (to him), I suggested that he works towards catching up on last term and as a reward I'd get him a new phone. That worked fine, although I still had to pin his ears to the table to get him into it. He started to feel really good about passing his tests and catching up and now has a new phone as well.

It's great to hear your lad reads a lot, and that he'd read all day if he was let. I used to do the same at that age, but it was a form of escapism from my life at the time. I was a miserable teen and did the bare minimum of work myself, and the release into the fantasy worlds of novels was a pure escape from how I felt about myself. I'd be really interested to know how he feels about his life at the moment, and if he thinks anything could happen to improve it.

I'd be a little concerned about you saying "I'm about to crack up and it has put unbelievable pressure on the entire family and am at breaking point due to arguements over him." He's only in 2nd year and you're already at breaking point? I wonder if the combination of hormones and perhaps family pressure is leading him to increasingly hide in his books?

LegacyUser

Yes,we reward positive behaviour.
When he does get a good result,we praise him. He has some great talents,and is praised when it's due.
We're not monsters looking for all A 1s,we just want him to do his best and don't think that's too much to ask.
We've tried the bribery-it doesn't work at all,we might as well be saying nothing,for all the good it does.
His report arrived last week -mostly Es,A few Ds and an F.
No excuse given.
In fairness,none needed as he doesn't open a book.
You wonder why I'm upset,Obliq.
Teachers sending home reports,getting phone calls from school about results-he actually says he wants to go to college in a few years,but at this moment,looks like mostly pass subjects for JC next year,so,college looks like a dream he mightn't achieve.
In case you're wondering,we don't compare him to his siblings and never have.

echo beach

UPSET MOTHER wrote: »

-he actually says he wants to go to college in a few years,but at this moment,looks like mostly pass subjects for JC next year,so,college looks like a dream he mightn't achieve.

College is hardly a dream, more a realistic ambition for any reasonably bright child but there is more than one way to get there. It sounds as if he doesn't fit into the standard do your homework, get the points, go to college mode and trying to make him won't work.
There aren't a lot of alternatives for students who don't fit in for whatever reason so he may just have to go through the motions for a few years. Keep faith with him. Not passing the JC doesn't mean his options are finished. He will get there but it will be by a less conventional route. It isn't easy being different but not everybody can thrive in our very narrow definition of 'education'.

Obliq

UPSET MOTHER wrote: »

Yes,we reward positive behaviour.
When he does get a good result,we praise him. He has some great talents,and is praised when it's due.
We're not monsters looking for all A 1s,we just want him to do his best and don't think that's too much to ask.
We've tried the bribery-it doesn't work at all,we might as well be saying nothing,for all the good it does.
His report arrived last week -mostly Es,A few Ds and an F.
No excuse given.
In fairness,none needed as he doesn't open a book.
You wonder why I'm upset,Obliq.
Teachers sending home reports,getting phone calls from school about results-he actually says he wants to go to college in a few years,but at this moment,looks like mostly pass subjects for JC next year,so,college looks like a dream he mightn't achieve.
In case you're wondering,we don't compare him to his siblings and never have.

No, I don't wonder why....more why SO upset about his academic results in 2nd year? It's not my plan to criticise and having made every mistake in the parenting book, it's also not my place, but as an objective outsider....well, I just wonder why he's so uncaring about what's going on with his results this year? How does he feel about the rest of his life, ie. outside of school?

With my eldest (15, nearly 16 but already in 5th due to starting early in EVERYTHING, girls included), I'm always noticing how his emotional life affects his school work. I question him loads, always have, and I often find out things I'd maybe prefer he wasn't doing, but I appreciate that it's better to know and to help him deal with it than not know.

I suppose the reason I bring this up is because you haven't mentioned him going out, having friends over, and his social life getting in the way of his studies which would be expected and possibly easier to deal with than the alternative, which is loneliness. Does he have mates he hangs out with? Does he have shared interests with his peers? TBH, you have said he shows no sign of depression, but that whole "not giving a sh1t" attitude is ringing alarm bells with me.

To me, my children's social life is as important, if not more so than their school work. My youngest has special needs and no real friends so I'm always ultra concerned about his future, but not in an academic way, more a sociable one. If my youngest has even ONE close friend by 2nd year, I'll consider that such an achievement that honestly....it would put his school work into perspective for me. That's why I asked "I'd be really interested to know how he feels about his life at the moment, and if he thinks anything could happen to improve it?"

Claw Hammer

It sounds to me like you should move your son to another school. His school seems to be very poor at motivating him. He probably doesn't want to admit this but you are just going to have to move him.

GalwayGirl26

Hi!
I'm a secondary school teacher so I know exactly where you are coming from!
Firstly, I would talk to a year head/tutor about your concerns, if you haven't already, and see if there are any outside factors- Is he isolated in school? In a class with 'difficult' students? etc.
Quick question, how was your son in 1st Year?
Many (well, most) teenage boys that I have encountered have a major 'dip' in 2nd/3rd year that really doesn't hit them until the Junior Cert. mock results come out- They are always a wake up call! Usually this is because boys don't want to be seen as bright; there is definitely an element of 'cool' about you if you're almost failing- Sad but true.
Talk to him about his ambitions- does he want to go to University? Make a plan of action of how he is going to accomplish this- Work out how many point he needs for a course he is interested in, and show him how that won't happen at this rate.

I would say switching schools is an option, but should be a last resort. I've seen it work very well for some students, but detrimental to others.

I know it's stressful (raising teenagers always is), but arguments get you no where. Always try remain positive and optimistic, and foster a sense that you are working as a TEAM, not a parent vs. child.