Things I don't get about Irish weddings MOD WARNING POST #322

Neyite

lazygal wrote: »

I know you're not bothered about this and don't want a debate but I think it's really sad that a third party is being appeased because of emotional blackmail. I'd have hated to start married life knowing we'd given into a relative throwing a hissy fit.

I know, its taken me since August to be ok about this, and its put paid to any notion that she and I can be friends - that is gone now, and we used to get on really well. Since then I've gone from going to her house every couple of weekends and hanging out with her having long chats, to only showing my face at family occasions and interacting with her as little as possible.

Its not a frivolous decision because I think churches are pretty, or caring what the neighbours think. I had to look at the big picture, not just the wedding day. It really is about my partner and his relationship with his mother. If that gets damaged, the whole family suffer by extension. If we dont talk to the mother, our son misses out on seeing a grandmother, Grandad will support grandmother so he misses his grandson and son also. Plus then the rest of the family dont get to see us as often because some of their free time will be spent with the mother. And their family occasions become strained and awkward for all.

And this could go on for years. And cause lots of hurt in the process on all sides. She simply cannot see beyond the catholic doctrine. She is absolutely indoctrinated, but not a bad person. She genuinely feels that it would be wrong to not have a church wedding. I feel sorry for her. How sad is it that your beliefs blind you so much it damages your relationship with your son and future daughter in law? That 15 mins or so out of my wedding day will mean little to me in the long run and I'll still love my wedding day but its cost her dearly.

rainbow kirby

ABajaninCork wrote: »

I got married here as it was a lot cheaper than getting married in London, believe it or not. And it was at the height of the Celtic Tiger!

It's the same now - we're still trying to decide whether to get married in London or in Ireland, and it's horrendously expensive to get married here! An Irish-style hotel package is coming up at literally twice the price of something in Dublin.

lazygal

Do you really think that? I've noticed more and more couples calling relatives' bluffs about this and invariably said relatives turn up and life goes on, but without the difficult relatives knowing they can get their way. We had a bit of it in our family but we are so glad we didn't give in. Our marriage is stronger for it too.

Calmsurrender

Arbiter of Good Taste wrote: »

We got married recently and got quite a lot of money as gifts. We did not factor this into our costs and were amazed (and very grateful and humbled) at people's generosity.

However, a lot of people who didn't give cash, for some reason gave candlesticks. We got some very beautiful candlesticks, but I'm not joking, we could open a church or something with the amount of candles and candlesticks we received between engagement and wedding gifts.

What is it with that? Is the view now that you can never have enough candles?

Because people want to give something "nice". So they got to a "nice" shop and buy a "nice" looking thing.
I have a terrible fear of fire...so anyone who'd know me well would not buy this for me, yet still I have 3 or 4 sets of beautiful candlesticks in my press!! Coz people feel they have to bring a gift

Neyite

lazygal wrote: »

Do you really think that? I've noticed more and more couples calling relatives' bluffs about this and invariably said relatives turn up and life goes on, but without the difficult relatives knowing they can get their way. We had a bit of it in our family but we are so glad we didn't give in. Our marriage is stronger for it too.

You are probably right, and like I said in my original post, if it were my family, I'd have no problem telling them where to go. In fact, I'm known for it. But I don't think my fiance could, he is the one who feels there will be a long fall-out.. And it's his bridges potentially being burned, not mine, so I'll let him make the call on that one and support his decision in so far that I can. That's all I can do.

Though we are planning to have another baby before setting a date, so I've plenty of time to float nice civil venues under his nose and get him thinking.

mulamike

freshpopcorn wrote: »

One thing I don't get about wedding's (not just Irish one's) who do people go to them and then complain about going to them/after them.

Sometimes going to a wedding is the lesser of two evils - you may not want to go, but do so out of a sense of loyalty to someone.

People complain about their jobs, complain about their other halves, complain about things they themselves have chosen to do.

It is tiresome though when you have oul ones complaining about every trivial detail.

eyescreamcone

eviltwin wrote: »

I really hate the inevitable "any news" you get after you get married ( although I'm sure all couples get it, not just Irish ones ).

I've used the response

"No news yet, she like the anal sex too much"

Usually shuts them up!!

Mrs OBumble

Calmsurrender wrote: »

I've been to plays and shows and stuff where the national anthem was played at the start which I kinda see why but I must go on a quest now to find out why it's at the end

It occasionally happens in more rural pub / session situations too. Basically the band's way of saying "show's over lads" - because of course no one can play anything after it.




Here's another angle: I'm a practising Catholic, he's been thru lots of churches but basically doesn't believe in God. To him, a wedding is a public promise and he doesn't care if there are any civil/legal ramifications. To me it's a public promise made to the spouse but made in front of God and the church community and with legal/civil implications.

So I've said he doesn't stand a snowballs chance in hell (to quote a phrase) of marrying me if it's not in a church. Because quite frankly, if it's not done in front of a church-community then I just don't see the point of doing it at all (except for the tax-breaks).




And to bring this post back to what I hate about Irish weddings: stags and hens. I just don't see the point of having one final slutty weekend if you're actually in love and committed to marrying someone. And the rest (getting drunk, going out with the girls/boys) is still something you'll do after the wedding anyways.

amdublin

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

And to bring this post back to what I hate about Irish weddings: stags and hens. I just don't see the point of having one final slutty weekend if you're actually in love and committed to marrying someone. And the rest (getting drunk, going out with the girls/boys) is still something you'll do after the wedding anyways.

Well I don't know about them being "slutty" but I don't get the way they are two nights/weekends away big things. Hen parties used to be just one night out and were more than adequate imo.

Berty

I read page 1 of this thread 2 days ago and came back to find this madness. Lol

Anyway, this is a reason why I tell nobody my plans for our wedding in detail because somebody will always elect to take exception to personal choices that we make.

GardenMadness

I got married last year and did most of the things everyone hates. Of course, that wasn't the plan at first, but real life comes down pretty heavily once the real planning starts.

I wanted Unitarian church on Stephen's Green/photos in the green/somewhere like the Odean for private drinks/dinner in a nice resturant.

Husband wanted a big hotel wedding.

We had a country house. Beef or salmon. Prosecco toast. Speeches. Cocktail sausages, the whole package.

We each have godchildren so they were flower girls and page boy because we wanted to give them a special role on the day. The little boy was too little to understand (but just adorable), the little girls loved it, which we were delighted about.

Everyone says you can have what you want. But you can't. You can't afford it. People have expectations too, and you don't want all that money spent to at least not give your guests that. It's quite hard, planning a wedding. Lots of compromise and plenty of readjusting expectations.

And go easy on the bride. If it is horrible, she'll be the one who's blamed, and she feels that deeply.

eyescreamcone

Good point!
Afterwards compliment everything - the happy couple will take the smallest slight very much to heart!

BabysCoffee

I don't get why once the couple get engaged certain women let their Wedding Day take over their life - we all know these bridezilla type. They are the women who think it is ok to arrange wedding details when they are meant to be working or women who think it is ok to hog canteen chat with the mundane details of their wedding.

Perhaps it is the brides who have always wanted to be a "princess for a day" which I hear bandied around a lot. I don't get it!

Ralf and Florian

Having hundreds of people at the wedding like a badge of honour or showing how popular you are even if it means inviting the weird uncle that no one likes and never sees from one end of the year to the next..The whole white dress thing which is supposed to symbolise the brides virginity,if theres one thing that can very safely be said to be obsolete its this.

GardenMadness

Well it could be either of two things:

A. Women are rubbish and everything they do is stupid and designed to irriate

OR

B. They're doing something quite difficult and time consuming that they will be meticulously judged on, but that they're also happy and excited about.

I'd go for A, because women, eh? What a bunch of lightheaded, boring thicks.

BabysCoffee

I don't get people doing things that they never do "because you have to for a wedding".

I was never so glad when I saw a particular mother of the bride on RTE's "Don't tell the Bride" wear a man's suit (tailored to her) rather than a traditional mother of the bride outfit. She looked like she never wore a dress in her life and I was glad she was true to herself on her daughter's wedding day.

I don't think the silly frou frou MOB outfit would have suited her short spikey har, piercings and tattoos anyway. But still a lot of people would have given in to wedding expectation. Fair play to her.

drkpower

I don't get why people take such pleasure in criticising how their own friends and family choose to celebrate their wedding. Instead of searching out the things you don't like, see the positives in their choices. If you can't do that, you probably shouldn't be going to their wedding.

BabysCoffee

I really don't get the priest at the top table. Particularly if he is just a complete randomer and not a friend of the family. Are celebrants seated at the top table if a priest isn't used???

username123

When did it change from being a morning event to this day long thing? My parents wedding pics show them changed into their "going away" outfits and away off at about 2pm. It didn't used to be an all day catered event with a band/ dj?

BabysCoffee

username123 wrote: »

When did it change from being a morning event to this day long thing? My parents wedding pics show them changed into their "going away" outfits and away off at about 2pm. It didn't used to be an all day catered event with a band/ dj?

I've always wondered about this.

Is the way English people refer to the "Wedding Breakfast" anything to do with this?

amdublin

drkpower wrote: »

I don't get why people take such pleasure in criticising how their own friends and family choose to celebrate their wedding. Instead of searching out the things you don't like, see the positives in their choices. If you can't do that, you probably shouldn't be going to their wedding.

Why not? You go to many things that you may not like all or any of it.

E.g the opera: "I really enjoyed that opera but I did find it went on very long and I was tired by the end"
E.g. A meal out: "oh god my starter and main were not nice but jeebs the dessert made up for it". Or "wow that wasn't great last night, and so expensive, I feel robbed"
A BBQ in a friends house: "great night but jaysis John cremated those sausages lol"


Like why shouldn't it be said if you are left hungry between church and dinner.
Why shouldn't it be said that I don't get why brides go lunatic over a dress and then treat it with no care or respect afterwards - sorry but I really cannot get my head around that!

amdublin

BabysCoffee wrote: »

I've always wondered about this.

Is the way English people refer to the "Wedding Breakfast" anything to do with this?

Wedding breakfast is not a morning meal!! :eek:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wedding_breakfast


I don't get that!!!!

drkpower

amdublin wrote: »

Why not? You go to many things that you may not like all or any of it.

E.g the opera: "I really enjoyed that opera but I did find it went on very long and I was tired by the end"
E.g. A meal out: "oh god my starter and main were not nice but jeebs the dessert made up for it". Or "wow that wasn't great last night, and so expensive, I feel robbed"
A BBQ in a friends house: "great night but jaysis John cremated those sausages lol"


Like why shouldn't it be said if you are left hungry between church and dinner.
Why shouldn't it be said that I don't get why brides go lunatic over a dress and then treat it with no care or respect afterwards - sorry but I really cannot get my head around that!

There is quite a difference between comments a la 'great night but jaysis John cremated those sausages lol" and the types of criticism and meanness that has been perpetuated in this thread.

amdublin

drkpower wrote: »

There is quite a difference between comments a la 'great night but jaysis John cremated those sausages lol" and the types of criticism and meanness that has been perpetuated in this thread.

And this thread is being watched and moderated.

IMO some people just don't like being criticized. They don't like that this thread is questioning things...things like why bother having a church wedding when neither the b&g go next to near a church ever,
when ultimately (let's call a spade a spade) some b&g's prefer lying in bed on sunday mornings rather than going to mass,
when some b&g don't know when to kneel and stand during their "must have" wedding mass,
and some who even begrudge the premarital course that is one of the requirements of a church wedding.
I don't get why it is so important to get married in a church when the above applies to you.


Ps. As a guest you rush around all morning to be ready for the early church. Fine if it is really genuinely (and evidently) important to the b&g. But then you see the b&g not knowing when to kneel, half heartedly mumble prayers and you're like why did I bother, why did they bother?

BabysCoffee

I don't get why some people are't open to considering that Irish weddings could be tweaked a little bit in order to make them more enjoyable by guests.

drkpower

amdublin wrote: »

And this thread is being watched and moderated.

IMO some people just don't like being criticized. They don't like that this thread is questioning things...things like why bother having a church wedding when neither the b&g go next to near a church ever,
when ultimately (let's call a spade a spade) some b&g's prefer lying in bed on sunday mornings rather than going to mass,
when some b&g don't know when to kneel and stand during their "must have" wedding mass,
and some who even begrudge the premarital course that is one of the requirements of a church wedding.
I don't get why it is so important to get married in a church when the above applies to you.

Have you given any thought as to why someone might want a wedding in a church even in those circumstances?

Have you come up with any possible reasons? Orhave you just considered the negatives?

BabysCoffee

I don't get why makeup artists go so heavy on brides makeup on their wedding day - particularly brides who don't generally wear makeup.

Sometimes they are barely recognizable!!

amdublin

drkpower wrote: »

Have you given any thought as to why someone might want a wedding in a church even in those circumstances?

Have you come up with any possible reasons? Orhave you just considered the negatives?

Yeah maybe to please parents or something? And IMO if you are doing that well then do the priest a favour and attend a couple of months of masses in advance. IMO it's disrespectful not to even know when to kneel and stand (particularly after "omg I must have a church wedding" etc etc)

I added an additional piece to my post...might give you more insight into my headspace also.

mrsbyrne

Actually its always easy to tell if the b&g are regular mass goers because the whole church bit seems so much more real and personal and intimate and joyous rather than stiff and formulaic when its obvious the priest hasn't a clue who these people are, only met them a couple of times and none of the guests know when to sit or stand.
Its also so cringe making when the grooms brother Nathan is wandering around filming during the Elevation etc and all the phones jingling and jangling because people are too stupid to turn them off.

drkpower

amdublin wrote: »

Yeah maybe to please parents or something? And IMO if you are doing that well then do the priest a favour and attend a couple of months of masses in advance. IMO it's disrespectful not to even know when to kneel and stand (particularly after "omg I must have a church wedding" etc etc).

Or because a church is a nice venue?
Or because that particular church might have particular memories(other weddings, funerals, christenings).

The point is you should first look to understand the choices of the bride and groom, rather than deconstruct and criticise. After all, they are supposedly your family or friends.

BabysCoffee

drkpower wrote: »

Or because a church is a nice venue?
.

Yeah, I don't get why someone who never goes to mass would want to get married in a Catholic Church by a priest because "it is nice venue"

mrsbyrne

drkpower wrote: »

Or because a church is a nice venue?
Or because that particular church might have particular memories(other weddings, funerals, christenings).

The point is you should first look to understand the choices of the bride and groom, rather than deconstruct and criticise. After all, they are supposedly your family or friends.

A hotel is a nice venue.
A marquee in a relatives field is a nice venue.
A church is not a venue.
You are speaking as if the church is now obsolete regarding its original purpose.
For a lot of people a church is a sacred place of worship. And for these people it may be offensive to see folk who don't see it like that trampling all over established traditions and behaving inappropriately or disrespectfully.

drkpower

BabysCoffee wrote: »

Yeah, I don't get why someone who never goes to mass would want to get married in a Catholic Church by a priest because "it is nice venue"

Why not? People pay fortunes for nice venues. A church is a few quid and. can be beautiful and spectacular. Seems like a win win.

BabysCoffee

drkpower wrote: »

Why not? People pay fortunes for nice venues. A church is a few quid and. can be beautiful and spectacular. Seems like a win win.

It's a lose lose IMO. You have to bow down to the catholic ethos and have the involvement of a priest.

A church wedding is more than a building or a "nice venue"

amdublin

drkpower wrote: »

Why not? People pay fortunes for nice venues. A church is a few quid and. can be beautiful and spectacular. Seems like a win win.

There is far far more to a church than you have noted above. A church is a place of worship and it is disrespectful to reduce it to "a nice venue".

drkpower

BabysCoffee wrote: »

It's a lose lose IMO. You have to bow down to the catholic ethos and have the involvement of a priest.

A church wedding is more than a building or a "nice venue"

I think the key phrase there is 'IMO'. It's the opinion of the b & g that matters.

Personally, I can't see how having a wedding in a church is bowing down to the catholic ethos.

BabysCoffee

drkpower wrote: »

Why not? People pay fortunes for nice venues. A church is a few quid and. can be beautiful and spectacular. Seems like a win win.

Oh dear.

I don't get why someone would choose to get married in a church to save a few quid.

Malari

Can you not hire a church for a secular wedding? Or do people just use a priest because it's easier (cheaper?). Because a lot of them are beautiful buildings.

drkpower

amdublin wrote: »

There is far far more to a church than you have noted above. A church is a place of worship and it is disrespectful to reduce it to "a nice venue".

But it is also a nice venue. And the owner is willing to rent it out.

drkpower

BabysCoffee wrote: »

Oh dear.

I don't get why someone would choose to get married in a church to save a few quid.

Do you get why they might choose a church because it's a beautiful building or because it holds particular memories?

eviltwin

I don't get why at big weddings the bride and groom seem to spend the entire day apart. I know manners mean you have to go around and chat to everyone but it seems sad on what is their day they have to spend so much time working the room.

January

BabysCoffee wrote: »

Oh dear.

I don't get why someone would choose to get married in a church to save a few quid.

Save a few quid? Churches can be more expensive than other venues by the time you pay the fee's that come attached to them.

amdublin

drkpower wrote: »

Do you get why they might choose a church because it's a beautiful building or because it holds particular memories?

No. Because it's much more that. It's a religious place of worship/house of God. And I dont get why someone would want to get married there "so much" but would be okay disrespecting the very reason for it existing.

eviltwin

amdublin wrote: »

No. Because it's much more that. It's a religious place of worship/house of God. And I dont get why someone would want to get married there "so much" but would be okay disrespecting the very reason for it existing.

most church weddings are like that though, I don't think the couple see it as being disrespectful esp when the priest is compliant in it. Maybe if priests refused to marry couples they know are taking the mick more thought would go into it but that won't happen.

drkpower

amdublin wrote: »

No. Because it's much more that. It's a religious place of worship/house of God. And I dont get why someone would want to get married there "so much" but would be okay disrespecting the very reason for it existing.

It is that TO YOU. To, me it is a beautiful, peaceful serene building with particular memories. The priest and the church are happy for me to use it. So am (was) I and my family.

But you feel the need to criticise and gripe. Obviously that means nothing to me but that you would do the same regarding your family and friends is quite sad.

amdublin

drkpower wrote: »

It is that TO YOU. To, me it is a beautiful, peaceful serene building with particular memories. The priest and the church are happy for me to use it. So am (was) I and my family.

But you feel the need to criticise and gripe. Obviously that means nothing to me but that you would do the same regarding your family and friends is quite sad.

Ok we are going to hsve to agree to disagree.

For me personally I don't get it when I go to a wedding in a church because it's "so important that we have a church wedding" and it's totally evident that the b&g never go to mass.

You get this. I don't. Fine.

drkpower

amdublin wrote: »

You get this. I don't. Fine.

Precisely. And since it is the bride and grooms day- and not yours - you might allow them to make their own choices without their friends and families' criticising them.

mrsbyrne

Drkpower can you see that any of your posts this morning can be used to illustrate my point?
Disrrspectfull, dismissive inappropriate?

drkpower

mrsbyrne wrote: »

Drkpower can you see that any of your posts this morning can be used to illustrate my point?
Disrrspectfull, dismissive inappropriate?

What was your point?

amdublin

drkpower wrote: »

Precisely. And since it is the bride and grooms day- and not yours - you might allow them to make their own choices without their friends and families' criticising them.

Dude I can state what I don't get about weddings all I like. I'm not dictating to you what you can or can't criticise.

Some other poster said it already, I don't get why people are not open to the fact that (imo!) Irish weddings could do with a bit of tweaking.

Like we can put up and shut up and nothing will change. Or we can comment, question and challenge and weddings might get even better!